The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Ninety-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker, last time I wrote, I had a boyfriend, a wonderful shiney new relationship. That hasn’t changed, except now, things are different. We have been spending a lot of time together, as much as we can grab to be around each other, whether that means meeting up after work for dinner or sleeping round his home. That all sounds great doesn’t it, and it would be perfect with a bit more support from my friends and family. I’m not saying they disapprove; I am saying that it’s a bit weird. Clover still isn’t very on board. My gran is well, she is a bit difficult about it, very cantankerous… it was a bit of a challenge getting her to meet up with him, she now says she thinks he’s alright but she holds reservations about the entire male population anyway. My dad, well, we recently got back in contact so I think things are weird there anyway, but not as weird as with my mum who I can’t tell about my dad because she will go psycho and start causing troubles. So it’s not like I am going to introduce psycho-mum to Dyl. I like being happy and that is how I want to stay. That simple really. That being said Hal seems supportive of the new relationship. That’s the thing with Hal and I, we genuinely want each other to be happy and like supporting each other as we progress and move forward with our lives.

Speaking of moving forward, Dyl and I miss each other a lot, so we have had a few talks, and there is the possibility that next year, he and I will move in together if finances allow. Which currently has been the thing holding us back. I mean, if we won the lottery tomorrow we would probably find a way or a place to live together as soon as humanly possible. I know it sounds very quick to even consider. But I feel sure about him, and I sure as hell hope I win the lottery tomorrow. I mean, without jumping the gun, I can see a very long term future with him.

I know this sounds harsh, because I am about to do a comparison. When I was with Adrian I felt insecure a lot of the time because I always had the fear of being the “for now” girl and the relationship not being a forever which I think should have been the biggest clue in hindsight that it was a for now situation. I think my insecurity over being “for now” and being told that I wouldn’t ever hear him speak the words “I love you” to me, and according to him, no one ever would, it was a hard way to live in a relationship. That amount of uncertainty isn’t good, and there was uncertainty that began right when we first got together, there was no idea whether there was a future together let alone what that might look like because as far as I knew the only thing he ever really thought about in the future was his work and that should have been a very big clue to where I stood and just how easily replaceable I would be… by his job. Harsh, but true.

With Dyl, it’s not like that at all, I don’t feel insecure and when I need a little reassurance he gives it to me rather than leaving me not knowing where I stand. He tells me what he pictures for us and reminds me that he does without me needing to ask for it, it feels good. I don’t feel like a for now girl, I don’t feel like a stop gap or something to pass the time. I feel like this is a secure and forever future kind of situation which is exactly what I wanted. I wanted to know where I stand and what the future can hold and I do and it looks like such a wonderful picture. I want to be with him. I didn’t realise what my ideal guy was until I met him and got to know him and saw how we clicked. From my eyes he is the other half of me, not an opposite trying to find a way to work, but instead a partnering and continuation of the same piece of soul and that feels great, it feels great to just know that that is how I feel. I love this certainty.

I mentioned what Adrian said about how he would never say those three words to anyone. Here is a kicker, it’s kind of messed up my ability to say it myself. There has been a bit of a problem on my part, I can’t get those three words out. I feel them, I really feel them with Dyl and I want to say it, it is on the tip of my tongue but I just can’t get it out. No matter how hard I try. I love Dyl, I do, but I am fighting myself every time I see him because I want to tell him so bad and part of me is getting in the way and its messing me up. I am ready to say it, I am not uncertain in anyway how I feel about Dyl, I just can’t get the damn words out enough to be able to say it to him. it is so hard. I know that sounds stupid right? Why is it hard? Well because I ended up becoming afraid of those words. Like if I say them will it mess things up, will I feel that level rejected all over again even if it wasn’t really a rejection it was just a bit harsh and blunt. I know that feeling will fade, I know I will stop fighting myself because at the end of the day how I feel about Dyl hasn’t changed or lessened, if anything I feel it more and more, and I feel it burning inside of me when we are together, it’s the brightest feeling, the most amazing sensation to just know that you love someone completely from the higher part of yourself in the most whole part of yourself in a way that just feels so very radiant through the best and worst of yourself, if that makes sense. I hope it makes sense. It’s hard to put it into words, I just know I am not afraid to love Dyl. That feels good, to not be afraid to love.

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