.: Entry Fifty :.

My name is Elliot Parker. Since I started dreaming again, I have felt so different. I came to the realisation that I am already the woman that I want to be. That’s the thing, we spend all our life trying to work out how the hell we be the person we wish we were. For some of us we give up on that person we want to be feeling so strapped in and stuck in the life we are already living. For me, that has never been enough.

I have wanted and wished to feel that kind of confident, sexy, strong woman that I have always admired. But something happened this morning, stepping into the shower and letting the water cascade and cleanse me of the day giving me that fresh start, that fresh brand new feeling that the water offers. I had a bit of a realisation, I can be anything and anyone so why can’t I already be that best version of myself? Why can’t I accept my alter-ego becoming part of my every day?

Sure, that’s a great idea, except putting it into practice doesn’t feel as easy as deciding I want to be and embrace every part of me. And my alter ego, she’s a dangerous and formidable woman, sassy and sexy, how do I let myself bring her into every day?

I could start wearing make-up every day, but that is not the most convenient thing in the world. That’s not really how I want to start tapping to all areas of who I can and want to be. Maybe I could be kinder to myself, pampering myself more, listening to music that I love, dancing more, having more fun and freedom. I could even start with something as simple as wearing heels for about an hour a day to get back into the swing. Learning to walk in heels again just to feel that bit sexier. That could be the start I need. I will have to see how that goes.

I know to people I look like I am drifting, aimlessly through life. But they are wrong.

I have aims, they just don’t get to see the thoughts I have in my head.

Do you ever just feel like your energy is beginning to match that of all your dreams, the ones that you’ve been wishing come true? That’s how I have felt recently on the precipice of everything I have been wishing, desiring and lusting after. Maybe it’s the unleashing of all of me?

I can just feel this change that I am the person I have always wanted to be, like every cell in my body is right and perfect to be the thing that is me. I think this is the first time I have ever felt this good, this in tune with everything I have wanted. I just want to move to the music that is pulsing in the under current in my soul. Maybe that is the best way to describe how I have been feeling recently. It started as maybe a beat that my body wanted to be a part of, then when I began to give into the rhythm of my own energy it began to layer and add some more melodies. Now I just feel this urge to dance, to literally dance through life, like I am skimming the surface just like in the song. It is the urge to just do everything that has ever made me feel that breathless exhilaration, that kind of unstoppable smile that comes from the soul. It sounds silly in a way.  I just want to enjoy every moment every single moment no matter how “mundane” I just feel so alive.

It is so new to feel this alive, where body and soul are aligned. I feel like I am really becoming the deliberate creator I have known that I am.

Unlocking my alter ego and dancing with her might be the new start of something completely different. The start of being my whole self. I don’t think I ever realised before, I don’t think I even knew that I had repressed so many parts of myself. Now I just feel open to all the elements of myself. Open to all the possibilities of who I am. I like the idea of being a walking contradiction.

My existence is a walking contradiction. So why not embrace and enjoy it. No longer having to be at odds and resistant even with myself. After all, with all the changes I have been making, with all the new things I am becoming better at accessing and enjoying, why not embrace every side of myself? I’ve certainly become a lot braver. I am certainly much stronger and much more at ease within myself. I no longer feel like a deliberate creator locked in resistance within herself. I feel like the resistance that was there has been transformed into something else. I feel like I have been transformed into something else. I have been transformed into me. I have been transformed into the woman that I have always wanted to be, that I believed that I had the potential to become, I am all of me.

I am all of me. Everything I wanted to be as a child, everything I wanted to be as a teenager, I am everything, finally able to say I fit my skin, I fit my potential. This is me.

This is me, all of me, every little bit of me connected into the universe, I am so in tune with the energy I am releasing, knowing it is a complete match to everything I have been desiring. Maybe this year, actually not maybe, this is the year that I get to be part of every bit the best of me.

I am so grateful that I get to enjoy this, that I get to enjoy the best of me. It makes me wonder how many people feel this, how many people enjoy this feeling?

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.: Entry Forty-Nine :.

… My name is Elliot Parker, sometimes. Right now, I am pleased it’s not.

… “Anyone could be mistaken to think that you like this.” His smile in his voice, his tease.

I let the corner of my mouth twitch, knowing he is looking for a reaction. “Anyone could be mistaken. But are you?”

“Oh I don’t think you like this, I know you do.”

“Do I?” I try to ask as innocently as possible.

His voice lowers just a fraction more, I didn’t think it would be possible to have a conversation whispered as quietly as this. “Princess, we both know you hold your virtue still because of me.”

“Says the man who wants to take it.” I quip, wanting to get through to something real in him. Wanting to diffuse the situation.

“One of many I am sure. Any man can take what he wants.” What does that mean?

“So you don’t want it?”

“Don’t mistake for a second, I want it, but there is something else I want.”

“What?”

“I want you to offer it to me, willingly.” I swallow under his scrutiny, watching my every heartbeat fluttering under the surface of my skin.

“That won’t happen” I try to sound clear, my voice choking a little in the whisper, am I trying to convince him or myself?

“It will happen; you won’t just offer it to me willingly, I know that much for certain.” He brushed the fluttering pulse in my neck with his thumb. I try to move but his other arm is wrapped firmly around my waist.

“How can you be so sure?” I feel his thumb slide to under my jaw, to the hollow under the chin. Is this a warning? A threat?

“Oh I promise you, just to be sure we are singing from the same score, princess, you will offer yourself to me willingly.” He let the silence grow, “you will offer your virtue.” I could hear the smile playing on his lips. His certainty made me uncomfortable, unsure.

“I doubt it.”

“You will. I can see it crossing your mind, I can see you wondering.”

“What?”

“What it would feel like for my lips to not just be brushing and teasing your neck, but to tease every tiny inch of your soft skin.”

“I’m not”

“You are; you shouldn’t lie to me.” I feel his teeth brush my skin so gently I could tell my heartbeat had given me away, I could feel my heart thudding in my chest so hard I wondered if it was possible to beat like this, like it could be heard. “You want me, just as much as I want you. Let’s stop pretending.”

“There’s no pretence here… Captain.” Trying to sound as final as possible.

“Careful princess, or I won’t take you at your offer, I’ll have you begging first.”

“What? You’re going to torture it out of me?” He laughed out loud at me then, getting the attention of the few crew members still awake.

“It won’t be the kind of torture you assume of me princess. It will be the kind of torture that holds you in total suspense, every breath of it, feeling the burn of your own desire in every part of your body, untamed, aching for release.” I try to stop myself imagining closing the distance of what separates us now, I try to stop myself tensing under his touch. As if he has read my mind his words call me back, “still sure you don’t want me princess?”

I try to shrug and readjust my shoulders, but I end up sliding from his lap a little. I can feel the cold of the tunnel floor it sends a jolt of tension through my body. The Captain pulls me back onto his lap. I understand in that moment, the crew might think I was a lap warmer, but he was the one doing the warming, keeping me off the cold of the floor. I turn a little wriggling in his grip so I can see him, see his face in the cooled air. I let myself take in his eyes, seeing through the mask that this once matches the true expression of himself, surprise at my turning to look at him. He probably expected me to sulk or pretend he didn’t exist. But here I was, looking, watching, examining him. He might be right, he is probably right, in time too much exposure to him and I might just offer. But there is no way to put the kind of distance I need between us.

I choose to try diplomacy in this moment, “thank you” I whisper before I kiss his cheek and turn back around to sooth the ache in my back from twisting round like that. I wiggle my shoulders just a little to get a little space and curl into the warmth. I lean my head back a little so it rests on his shoulder. I feel him tense for a moment, before he rests his cheek on my hair. There is no way of escaping the proximity of him, feeling his chest rise and fall with every breath. I feel my own begin to slow and relax. Slowly I let myself feel the calm darkness of sleep. I feel him move, checking to see if I am gone to the world, I doubt from the angle he could see, even if he could, my eyes are shut even if my mind is wide open. I feel him slowly began to rest his cheek back on my hair trying to be gentle. I can’t help but let the corners of my mouth twitch, a small smile.

I may not trust this man yet, but I am learning him. I may not like this man, he probably doesn’t like me much either. But at least he is protecting me, whatever the reason may be. The same may not be said for some of crew, would they be wise enough to not make an enemy of me. For all his faults the Captain knows just what kind of asset or catastrophe I can choose to be at the turn of a dime.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 10th June!

Amazon UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XP14ZX2

Amazon US https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XP14ZX2

.: Entry Forty-Eight :.

… My name is Elliot Parker…

The tunnel is beginning to smell like salt spray, I know we are approaching the fork but the men don’t. I can hear them whispering about the sea being close, soon they will be whispering mutiny, being lead down either path.

“Which way do we turn?” I let my voice carry a little with the fork in sight. “Captain?”

He glares at me before looking away. He makes a show of looking at both sides of the fork. Now the moment of truth. A decision that can’t hide the truth of the question I have been wondering.

“We take the right. Come on men.”  I smile, not that the crew sees, they see what I want them to see, which is nothing, a blank shrug.

We walk for another three or so hours until we can see the patches of where the water creeps up to. The Captain tells us to walk back an hour’s distance to where there is less evidence of water damage, we camp there until the early hours of morning, it may be the last sleep we get for some many miles. The men begin to grumble finding space in this tunnel just enough to sleep sat with legs stretched before them. The floor is cold but not as cold as the warning the Captain gives, no noise above a whisper and be wary of the tunnel we have just left, what dangers lurk in either direction is unknown.

The men begin to settle with the supplies being distributed and food eaten with a hushed chatter. The voice that cuts through the dim light and whisper is the Captain, calling me to him, like an obedient pet. Navigating my path avoiding stepping on members of the crew having been sent to the back to give some supplies to the men at the rear of the party, a parade of obedience. The closer I get to the Captain the smiles on the men ahead of me are a challenge. I feel the corner of my mouth twitch, is it nerve? Is it danger? Is it anger? I let it pass and continue to the Captain, passing a leering smile I feel a hand slap me on the backside, the men around him burst into laughter. “I wouldn’t mind that body warming me at night.” I try to shake the rage and look up to the Captain, the mask is of gentle humour but recognition of this man’s challenge. “This one is mine boys, not for sharing but try curling next to fat Shane, he always seems to be a walking furnace maybe you will get lucky and he will share it with you.” The crew laughed with the Captain but the smile never met his eyes. Beneath the mask, the face of a man who just had to tolerate someone playing with his favourite toy, even if for a second.

I reach the Captain who has sat down to sleep. I go to sit down in the small space next to him, navigating how to move without disturbing the Captain or the man next to him. The Captain pulls me down onto his lap, pushing my legs in line with his, my back to his chest. I feel the solid but warm body at my back, pushing me forward to wrap his blanket over our legs. A few of the crew are watching, I can feel their eyes on me, all the time, even if I ignore it. I feel his hands still in place either side of my waist. I feel the twitches in his fingers, tightening, trying to communicate his command without using a word. The blanket now covering our laps. His hands abandon my waist. One hand snakes around my middle and pulls me back so his chest meets my back. I know he has sat straight behind me, keeping contact with every point of my back I can feel his stubble on the side of my neck and shoulder as he lets the warmth of his breath meet the soft skin, I can feel his smile. “Come now pet” he says so the crew can hear, he settles himself to lean on the cave wall and has me lean on his chest, he’s marking his territory. Part of me hates it, part of me knows he is doing this to keep his position, he is keeping me safe. It’s a dangerous game to play no matter the situation.

The Captain pulls the rest of the blanket so that it drapes over my shoulders covering my folded arms. I see his hands moving under the blanket, Skirting the edges of my folded arms making the blanket move and my folded arms forgotten. I watch him play a game, rubbing my arm, the crew laughing like school boys. I know what they assumed, but the Captain’s hands are not on my chest, not where they think his hands are. I smile to myself I don’t bother separating the mask to indifference. This smile, its laughing at them, even if they can’t see that.  I can smell the Captain, his breath hot on back of my neck his warm skin breaks the smell of the ocean beginning to fill the chamber further down the tunnel. He lets one hand reach out of the blanket. The fingers tracing my collar bone to just behind my ear, then his fingers are in my hair, curling it out the way pulling it behind my ear. Gently he applies a little guiding pressure, urging me to tilt my head and expose more of my neck to him. I feel his fingers brush where the flicker of my skin betrays my heart beating a little faster than I would care to admit. I feel the brush of his lips as he smiles. He murmured in my ear, less than a whisper so only I could hear as his breath tickled my skin. “Anyone could be mistaken to think that you like this.” His smile in his voice, his tease.