.: Entry Twenty-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker. And I am back.

I am still known as “the stowaway girl”.

I remember the last time I was in this world, the brush of the Captains lips. I shake the memory away from my mind. We are climbing further up into the forest. The Captain turns back every so often to see that I am still there, still walking behind. The crew follow behind. The jeers have quietened down since the Captain branded me his “property” in their eyes.

“So what’s the plan?” The words escape me and I can’t catch them and pull them back. The Captain’s head turned, the crew fell silent, expectation seeping through every sweating pore of skin.

The Captain smiled, but it was hidden from the crew. He was good at masking. Something he had promised to teach me. A mask that reveals the truth of an expression to one person not a crowd. It was a great skill, one that comes with practice. It takes control, however once you learn to see beyond the mask, that’s when things get very interesting. No one can fool you with the sight. I’ve always had a base of sight, but the Captain always seems to want to test it and make it grow. The mask the Captain wore was disdain in this very moment.

He turned and carried on walking. But I had unleashed a ticking time bomb, something simple, an idea, a question. One that he would need to answer.

I could hear the whispering behind me, in the humidity the sweat just clung to our skin like the words going through the men.

“You still want to know the plan, girl?” The Captain called behind him, throwing his question at me. I stopped in my tracks the man behind banging into me causing me to stumble and move a little faster. I trot up towards the Captain. “Yes Captain.”

“Why don’t you tell me what you think the plan is? You’ve been watching me, weighing my movements. What is my plan?”

“High ground, following the stream.”

“Good, continue.”

“Find out what is around us, where we are and if there are ships.”

“And.”

“A good secure spot for a camp for the night. A guardable area.”

“Why?” He turns to me now, his eyes locked into mine, drawing himself closer, I can feel his hand at my elbow, beginning to rise up my arm.

“It was too dangerous to stay on the beach, in… in case of fleet surviving the fire or the attention it would draw.” My breath catches as his hand rests at the side of my neck, his thumb stroking under my chin.

“Good” he whispers; I can feel his breath on my skin. He feels me swallow by the twitches in my neck, his eyes are still locked onto mine his smile flickers, brighter for a second. “You’re learning.” He is right, his mask has shown intimidation towards the crew but that is not the face I saw when I looked less with my eyes more with something more instinctual. I have tried to hold my own mask, a timid, scared mask. But that really isn’t what the Captain can see. “You’re a quick study.” His other hand is now resting just behind my elbow, the hand on my neck slides round the back of my neck under my hair. To the crew they would have seen me flinch, to him I am resisting what he knows I want, what it is I am seeping into the air through my charm. He can feel my own resistance in wanting his lips on mine. On accepting what I want instinctively in this moment.

I lower my gaze for a moment, just to his lips, his face is so close to mine we are sharing breath, again. This time the crew hears a command, I hear a request when the Captain speaks again. “You want to kiss me? So do it.” I stutter, “I… I…”

“Need to stop resisting.” His expression softened. But the hand behind my neck drew me a fraction closer, just a small amount. I can feel the temptation; the charm he is exuding. It’s intoxicating, he is testing me, not backing down but not making that last move. “Do it” he whispers, his breath and mine spinning between us. Part of me wants to defy him, to pull away and break the charm; not to play this game of power in front of his men. It is not the game the same game that we are interpreting, this is a game of my own inhibitions and the Captain is testing them.

I let go of my resistance, the practicality of it, the practically of being in control of myself for a few moments. I lean that small distance and let our lips meet.

My breath catches in my throat, the tension in my body lessons as he kisses back. His hand abandons being behind my elbow and pins me in the small of my back drawing my body to his. Where our arms cross and touch, where our bodies meet in that contact between us, the heat is less of a humidity issue and more of a sparking issue.

His lips leave mine, the air slows between us for that second before I pull his lips back to mine, this time my hand is wrapped around the back of his neck while I’ve pulled him closer to me. Snaking my fingers into his hair and holding him closer. This time when he kisses me the air seems hotter and balmier, the air is fire inside my lungs. This time I pull away, a fraction, just a little. He is hungry for more and his lips meet mine, chasing me as I lean back a tiny bit, trying to add a little distance between our bodies.

He pauses and reads me, this is enough, right now this is my limit.

He is warm with his smile now. Still hungry, but now with a hint of affection.

Then I feel that familiar lurch and I am pulled back from this world.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Twenty-Four :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Clover has stabbed me in the back again.

Well I know I mentioned that I decided after I found out she had chosen to see how it plays out with the poster child rather than fix the friendship that I was done. I still am. I unfriended her. When she found out she started posting on social media saying I used her for rides in her car. Like seriously, that is pathetic, considering if she did ever go out of her way for me I brought her something where we were or I brought her dinner or lunch or food in general. But you know, I am the bad guy right?

Well that’s not the only place she started to post about me, she posted again on another platform. Apparently she is not a nasty girl, but I am not a true friend, because I walked away from the situation. There is only so long that you can stick around while your friend refuses to listen to reason she knows is right. To advice. To logic and experience. She chose to keep choosing to stay in that toxic situation. She chose to keep being a victim of the damage to her self-esteem. I tried to shock her to reason. Didn’t work obviously. And yet who is the one who gets attacked while she still plays the victim? Who is the one who gets blamed for her mistakes time and time again. Because sure it’s my fault that years ago she couldn’t make up her mind what brother she wanted and when it all blew up who got blamed for it? Me. She did the same thing then on social media.

Well once is a mistake, twice well…

This time it’s not only the public route she has taken, which so far I have avoided. She sent a message to my ex. MY EX of all people. At the moment I am at the point where revenge just seems a bit insufficient. Too public and too messy.

She has been the one to shoot herself in the foot. She has chosen to stab me in the back, again. Blame me for her choices.

Here is something interesting that I realised though. In her messaging my ex I feel like I want to keep away from him rather than keep the friendship. Like she poisons everything she touches.

I don’t think it’s that though. Its more that she is being snide for attention, playing the victim.

I don’t think that friendship could ever or will ever recover.

That is sad. Like really sad.

My name is Elliot Parker. I want a happy life. I am not running after or chasing what I want. What I want is coming to me, there is nothing I have to do to make it happen.

I want to start a new thing in my life. I want to start pursuing happiness in a different way, yes it will come to me, but no I will not chase it. I need a new schedule to my day, a new pattern.

There are times when life can feel overwhelming or it can feel like the most amazing moment to be absorbed in.

See when I started writing this I felt so angry, then I felt sorry, then I felt understanding. She has lost her friend through a bad choice and she has to lash out to get a new source of attention.

When I started writing this, I felt too angry to understand it. Then I reached for the better feeling thought, revenge, though I didn’t act on it. Revenge is the better feeling thought, anger feels powerless but revenge feels powerful. What feels better than revenge? Accepting that this has happened. What feels better than that? Knowing that there is nothing I have to do to fix it, it is not my vibrational mess to fix. I cannot fix someone else or their vibration. The only vibration I can control is mine. It feels good to know that my vibration is under my control. I do not have to alter my vibration to make someone else better by lowering my energy. It feels good to know that my vibration is my own and connected with the larger part of me. It feels good to know that my vibration can raise through the relief of finding the better feeling thoughts and feeling my way better.

Things will work out for me the more I release the resistance I am holding.

I am responding to the world around me by instinct. That feels good, my intuition tells me I am always on my path, I can never be off my path. My intuition is a message, a vibrational interpretation that tells me that I am allowing what I want.

I am feeling better now. Better than I did a few hours ago. I am accepting the relief that comes from walking away from how things were. Accepting how they are. Accepting that I am coming into a new vibrational alignment with a new part of my life. I am coming into a new vibrational alignment; I am on the leading edge of something amazing. I no longer want to keep my hand on the stove of pain. I am ready to allow the knowledge of being a deliberate creator.

I am ready to have another dream; I am ready to go back to the room with the books. I am excited to return to the room, it no longer feels tainted and violated by its being used by another deliberate creator. I will meet whoever this other deliberate creator is soon. I am excited to meet that person and see who else has joined me on the leading edge.

My name is Elliot Parker. I want to give up the phrase “I hope” as in “I hope tomorrow is going to be a better day.” I want to replace that phrase with “I know” as in “I know tomorrow is a better day.”

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Twenty-Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

It’s been roughly a week since I lost my best friend. Oddly, I have found more peace and productivity than I thought I would have.

I have found that the respite of not having to hear someone go on about such a negative energy so often for so long has helped me feel peace. Without having to be constantly accessible for someone to complain and endure the energy drain of constantly trying to make someone feel better.

Well that’s the thing while I have had this peace it seems someone else is suffering the Clover that I know. A mutual friend of ours, Naomi sent me a message a few days after the rift formed. She said that Clover was driving her mad. Naomi had some pretty serious stuff going on with her lately, a break up being a large portion of the stress, Naomi just wanted to talk for a few minutes about things going on with her. What did Clover do? Repeatedly change the topic to one of the boys talking to her. I couldn’t help but feel for her, she wasn’t used to it on that scale. That and the social media overload of “happy” status’.

Apparently the reality doesn’t match that, it is over compensating. Or so I keep being informed.

She told another mutual friend that she had decided to see how things play out with that poster child boy. Well, that’s her choice. She has chosen to pursue him (and a few other boys but they have nothing to do with this) rather than try to mend the friendship. So, I had to make a decision. I have decided that given her choice to make no efforts to mend the friendship and hedge her bets on boys that no matter what the outcome of her relationship the friendship is over. Completely. No reconciliation. That’s it, done.

Unfriended for life.

My name is Elliot Parker; I have decided to pursue my happiness without feeling guilty. After all, guilt is a debt that has already been paid.

Another thing I have neglected to mention recently; well, ok so you know I recently admitted I have feelings for Jonas, after a few months of being in denial, now I am less in denial. I hadn’t spoken to him in a couple of weeks, mainly because he has a lack of wifi and is working ridiculous hours at the moment. (Yes I am getting to the point, I swear.)

So yesterday I went out for a drink with a friend who kept telling me I had feelings for Jonas during my giant denial phase, so chatting away filling him in with all the Clover drama and all the fun stuff. So he was asking me about Jonas trying to get a measure of my feelings, well it was interesting. He seems to consider himself some kind of scientist on the matter. He decided to test my pupil response to a few names. He started with Clover, not much response. My ex, a small response, according to him I must have some feelings for him still. Jonas’ name, apparently the difference was “significant” but he could have been pulling my leg. I found it mildly interesting and funny.  So yes, my friend decided to test me, and according to him I really like Jonas. I just hope I don’t lose this friend to Clover, we’ve been friends for so long, so I call dibs. But that is not the point.

But funnily enough, after I got home I received a message from Jonas. After so long of quiet it is safe to say, I was very excited. Can you blame me? He has been working so hard, but the bit that got me giddy was that he missed chatting with me. That and the “xxx” at the end. Silly huh? But the thing is, it felt like a great manifestation. That it is ok to talk openly about things that I want or want to consider. Sometimes, I forget that I am a deliberate creator. Sometimes I forget I am in control of my universe and what I bring attention to, what it is I want in my life.

So I manifested Jonas’ message last night.

I manifested the now permanent rift with Clover. I wanted peace and quiet and less boy drama in my life. And now I am able to relax and not feel like I am compromising my happiness constantly by trying to make someone else feel better about themselves because they don’t understand that they are attracting it. I am ready to attract healthy friendships. I am ready to attract a healthy relationship. I am ready to attract all that I want, and achieve all that I want. It is going to be fun, free and easy.

Everything is always working out for me.

My name is Elliot Parker. I have invested in some more books to read- so I will be insanely happy. I have discovered a new series to watch, which it turns out was originally a book, so of course logic states that I should get the books, read the books and be super happy I have the books. My to-read list seems to keep growing.

I feel like right now a short rampage is in order.

Everything is always working out for me. There is a fountain of abundance in my life and I am riding the waves of knowing. I know that all that I want and need and desire is coming to me. I know that I am a deliberate creator. I know there is magic in this world. I know there is magic in dreams. I know that nothing is impossible. I know that it is good to be happy and put happiness first. I know that it is good to make yourself happy by following an impulse that feels good. I love knowing that there is always a better feeling thought in reach.

I know that everything will work out.

Regardless of the rift I know that eventually Clover will sort herself out and have a happy life, if she lets herself.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX