.: Entry Twenty-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Life is quieter. Life is more peaceful. I feel more worthy.

From the conscious unfriending of Clover, I have discovered a few things now she has gotten bored and seems to have stopped stabbing me in the back. I keep being told that she is putting herself in situations and making life harder unnecessarily, she is putting herself in risky situations. It is concerning. But to be honest, she doesn’t want to change her life for positivity. I really hope she sorts herself out.

I enjoy the feeling of peace and calm. In the calmness I seem to be receiving more intuitive messages. I feel a stronger connection with the inner self. I feel inspired to action. I don’t feel inadequate or insufficient or lacking.

It feels good to be inspired to action.

A couple of days ago I felt inspired that now was the time to go and get a tattoo that I have been wanting. So I went to somewhere I felt comfortable and had a conversation. I felt inspired to book an appointment for in a few days’ time. I feel assured that the action was in that moment right for me. Sure I forgot the original I left behind that was photocopied but I am going back to get it soon. I like the original its quite cute.

How inspired is this?

Yesterday I wanted my meeting to be cancelled/rescheduled, it was. I got booked in for the inking on a whim.

Today, I was meant to be going to lunch with an old work colleague. I sort of wanted a cancel just so that I could follow a bit of a whim and do some more peace and happy time. I just got a text through, she has cancelled. So I might go get my original, get a bag of sugar, a jug and coconut oil and make myself a sugar scrub… sounds gross I know, but it’s really good and I really like it. I feel inspired to just enjoy relaxing, maybe I will even invest in a shower cap so I can wallow in the wonderful feeling of luxury for an evening. Yea I know, how poetic.

I just found a single random grain of sugar on my keyboard. Maybe it’s a sign that is a good idea? I like it.

I am in a good mood; I can’t put my finger on why. I woke up this way. I woke up feeling at peace. I woke up and I let myself wallow in appreciation. I appreciated how good it felt to breath, how soft the air felt, how rested I felt. It was good to wake and feel sure that today was going to be a good day. It is like I received a message that said, “don’t worry, everything is always working out for you, there is nothing that you need to do, there is no action you must inhabit or garner to make what you want happen. You are a deliberate creator, you are a creative co-creator in this universe and everything is yielding itself to you. You are releasing any and all resistance you may hold in your body with every exhale. You are living the life you intended. You are tuned in, tapped in and turned onto the frequency of your wellbeing.”

I woke up just in that knowing. Knowing that everything is going to be more than ok.

I caught myself in a thought I didn’t want to perpetuate just then, instead I soothed myself with this thought “where I was, is not where I am. Where I am, is not where I am going. What is, is not relevant.” Just got to keep following the inspiration and emotional indicators. I am ready for today’s adventures.

I feel like following impulse today. I just suspect there is some magic coming my way.

I like following these good feelings thoughts. I had forgotten for a while there to just enjoy the simple good ness. Today the intuition seems to have built up, the whims to follow seem stronger. I sort of wonder what pleasures these will lead to. I don’t know why I just have a better feeling now. Last night I felt like I let go of more resistance I didn’t realise I had built up. Or perhaps I had unwittingly built up. I decided to stop looking for messages in the literal sense of what I wanted to manifest, after all yesterday proved the good feeling of following intuition in a given moment. Today feels like the start of just, well not, following what I want which is what I had typed and deleted. I think I meant, today feels like the start of allowing what I want to come to me.

Today just seems to be a giant positive rampage feel. I like just feeling free to let my fingers move across the keyboard doing their own little tap dance as I let the inspiration flow to and through me onto the screen.

I know that with writing being able to translate thoughts and ideas into words, using this feels like a new fun challenge every time my fingers touch the keys. The assurances that it gives me, one more yes for what I am desiring.

So with that thought in mind, I feel good.

My name is Elliot Parker. Today I feel inspired to enjoy me. To enjoy every peaceful moment. Today after my shower getting dressed I stole fifteen or so minutes and I read a chapter of the book that I have started reading. I felt quite impressed. I liked it. All good, all inspired. It felt lovely. I know you know the feeling. That stolen little extra time to just allow yourself to have fun and enjoy whatever it is that you want to do and feel inspired to do for a moment in time.

So yes, my name is Elliot Parker. I like feeling at peace, I like feeling happy and sure and strong.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Twenty- Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I am the stowaway girl, and the Captain has demanded I take my clothes off, in a cave, with the crew staring at the Captain and I.

“I won’t ask you again, I am right here, nothing will happen.” He is trying to command me and reassure me at once. That doesn’t change the resistance. I shake my head no again. He doesn’t take it as an answer this time. He reaches up and lifts my shirt over my head exposing my torso; wet, cold and shivering. He pulls the string at my breaches and lets them loose. They fall to the floor. I am standing exposed to the room. He commands me to step out of the trousers in a pile on the floor. This time I don’t question him. He pulls a blanket over my shoulders. The cold isn’t at the fore front of my thoughts, instead I am resisting the urge to slap him, hard, in the face.

“That wasn’t so hard now was it?” He is masking again, the crew sees frustration, but to me, he is trying to reassure.

I glare. He tries to get the water from my clothes, still a dripping mess even when he’s finished wringing them out, he puts them to dry with his own. I haven’t moved, still standing in the blanket. A rumbling mix of furious and thankful for the dry blanket on my cold goose bump covered skin. I can still feel the eyes of the crew on me. I am still shivering.

“Come here girl.” The Captain has called me to him. Reluctantly I feel my feet move. He has found his choice position in the cave. It’s cold, my toes curl with every step not wanting to make contact with the cold hard floor. I stand in front of him, he is sat, covered and curled into his blanket. “Sit with me.”

“No.”

“It wasn’t a request. It was a command.” I glare at him. “I said sit down. Now.” His voice is quiet, commanding. I know the crew is still watching, there is the quiet that comes with sullen sailors stuck on land. I sit beside the Captain reluctantly. I pull the blanket around me and sit in a curled ball trying to protect my body. The rain is still pounding outside.

“You’ve gotten too much attention from the crew today.”

“Thanks to you.” I retort between my own sullen shivers.

His reaction catches me off guard. His hand is wrapped behind my neck, his blanket has slipped from his arm and shoulder. “No, because of you.” His lips brush my ear now as he whispers. “You could have made it painless, no one would have noticed if I hadn’t have had to do it myself.”

I pull myself back and shift a little further away from him. His arm has retreated into the blanket. It seems I am not in a forgiving mood.

I can’t stop shivering, even in my sleep I know I am shivering on the floor curled in my ball under my blanket.

I don’t want to open my eyes, it’s too cold, I’m too cold. I don’t move when someone rubs my shoulder trying to coax me awake. I hear a voice nearby but my body refuses to obey.

“She won’t wake Captain; she’s not stopped since we got in this forsaken cave. The rain hasn’t relented. The men are restless, what do you propose?”

“We stay; the girl just needs warmth in her bones.”

“How do you propose we do that; she won’t wake?”

“She will. Are our clothes dry?”

“Almost. We can’t remain here long.”

“I know.” The conversation ends, or at least to me it does as I fall back into the darkness.

This time as I begin to come round I realise my shivering isn’t so bad. I am no longer curled into a tight ball; my body is pressed tight to another, a blanket draped and wrapped around me. This time I open my eyes and look around me, the Captain’s face is close to my own. His smile is the last thing I see before I fall back into the darkness.

Now, this time as I wake, I am still curled up to the Captain’s body, he is warm. The best thing, I am not shivering. This time as I wake I feel just how badly my body is aching from the shivering. I feel weak for the first time.

When I look up at the Captain, he is asleep, soundly, his chest rising and falling gently. There is one thing I have noticed, there is not a scrap of cloth separating our bodies. I feel my cheeks flushing with embarrassment. I feel warm again, he has shared his body heat with me and all I did was sulk and shiver.

I try to move but between his body and the warmth of the blanket I can’t bare the chill in the air in the cave. I can hear the faint chatter and snoring of the crew.

I resist the urge to fall asleep again and just watch the Captains chest rise and fall, slowly and gently. It’s calming to just lay still. The Captain stirred after a while, this time when our eyes meet we share a genuinely warm smile. “You know, if you wanted me out of my clothes that badly, you didn’t have to catch the chill.” His voice is deeper just coming from sleep, like each word is a tiny bit harder to form.

“Are you flirting with me?”

“When aren’t I?” I can’t help but smile. His fingers reach for my hand still resting on his chest. The tips of his fingers run over my own, tracing small shapes on my skin, slowly moving around my wrist. Where his touch skims the coolness flows, like a small current. He teases himself down to the bend in my elbow and up to my shoulder. He is toying with me, setting my nerves on edge. My tired aching nerves. My tired aching body.

Then that familiar lurch sets in to my stomach as I am ripped from this world.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Twenty-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

It still starts the same. I come to my special room in this dream world place, the floor changes and rumbles under my feet, it comes away and reveals the bookshelves and cabinets. The walls change colour and look older. The shelves and cabinets are all covered in books. My notebook is still there. There’s been no new messages from the mysterious Adrian Kraig. I’m Curious about him. I want to know more. Twirling a pen in my fingers I think about it a little too much, writing another note, just a small one. “So, is it even possible that I could meet you?” I put the notebook back where it goes.

Now? Well, now I get to choose the next part of the dream. My fingers run the spines of books nearby until I find the one. I stumbled on it the first time, now it’s become a more deliberate choice. It’s become a firm favourite to enter this world. I like the exciting awareness it creates, it just feels more real, more real than I could have anticipated.

It’s the story of the stowaway girl. I feel that familiar pull, and I am there.

The rain is pouring hard and fast as we try to find some kind of cover, somewhere dry. The Captain is moving quicker as we head further into the trees. The trees are thicker and older, the air is thick and balmy with the rain but it won’t stay this way, we hope.

The crew are grumpy, the rain is pouring and the Captain is asking more from them. In search of shelter and camp. Between the forest and the trees there is a lack of direction. Taking a chance, I break from the Captain’s side. I climb up the tall tree up ahead. Its slippery and wet and rough under my fingers. The rain pounding over my skin, the drips hit a little sharper the further up I climb. Reaching half way to the top I can see further than I had hoped. This was high enough and hard enough for now. There ahead of them and a little to the left there seemed to be an overhang of a cave. More than just the one, the coming land ahead was riddled with hills, crevices, caves and cliff faces.

Climbing down the tree was easier in theory. Now my body ached from clinging to the slippery tree in the rain.

I can see the crew below, waiting. The bark feels wetter, I feel wetter and colder and my muscles are starting to cramp. It only makes me cling to the tree harder. I am sure the Captain will be annoyed I ran off. But I have good news. That should be a consolation. There’s maybe 10 feet between myself and the ground.

The crack of lightening turning the canopy a glowing green for a moment before the rain starts lashing down heavier. It caught me a little by surprise, my foot missed the branch I was aiming for, the change in weight, the slip up puts strain on my arms as I cling as best I can, my hands slipping. The Captain is calling up to me but I can’t hear him. I take a moment and deep breath to calm myself. I push my feet against the trunk of the tree as best I can and let my hands release the tree and push off from the tree in one motion. I feel myself turn in the air. Hands spin themselves in a net below me.

It’s the Captain who pulls me upright. “You’re shaking like a puppy. You had better have some good news for us.”

“There’s caves over there” I point shivering.

“Let’s go, weapons ready, they might be occupied. Move” the Captain urged.

All of our clothes are wet, mine seem to be drenched, clinging to my skin. My muscles are shaking from bearing my weight. The rain is pouring harder and I can’t help but feel the pinch of the Captain’s fingers wrapped tightly around my upper arm. His grip is like steel. “What the hell did you think you were doing; you could have been killed?”

“I did it before at your command, or have you forgotten?”

“Don’t you dare, that was different.”

“How?”

“You were nothing but the stowaway.”

“I still am.”

“No, you are the princess”

“That doesn’t change anything”

“It does, your too valuable to get killed climbing a tree.”

“That is exactly it isn’t it. I am valuable. Nothing but a fee or prize.”

“If that was the case you would be in chains.”

“Perhaps I already am.” I glare at his hand holding tight on my arm. I can imagine the bruise that will come from him releasing his grip.

“Do you really want to test me right now?” His voice echoes a little in the mouth of the cave, the crew are now paying attention to us. The Captain orders the fire to be lit further inside. The men have explored it, it’s a shallow cave but just enough room for a small fire. Their search for fire wood took a while. Slowly the men began returning and a small fire was lit.

The Captain glared at me. The small bale of blankets that had been protected from the rain, the blankets were unwrapped. The Captain stood with his and a spare on his arm. He pulled his shirt up over his head, I redirected my eyes and looked away. He pulled a blanket over his shoulders. A man in the crew laughed, “Cap, you made the stowaway blush”

I glare. Still shivering. “That’s ok, she’s about to make you blush.” The Captain pulls me over towards him. “Take your clothes off” I stare and shake my head no. “Take your clothes off you will catch a death.” My eyes dart in the direction of the crew, I shake my head again.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Twenty-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker. And I am back.

I am still known as “the stowaway girl”.

I remember the last time I was in this world, the brush of the Captains lips. I shake the memory away from my mind. We are climbing further up into the forest. The Captain turns back every so often to see that I am still there, still walking behind. The crew follow behind. The jeers have quietened down since the Captain branded me his “property” in their eyes.

“So what’s the plan?” The words escape me and I can’t catch them and pull them back. The Captain’s head turned, the crew fell silent, expectation seeping through every sweating pore of skin.

The Captain smiled, but it was hidden from the crew. He was good at masking. Something he had promised to teach me. A mask that reveals the truth of an expression to one person not a crowd. It was a great skill, one that comes with practice. It takes control, however once you learn to see beyond the mask, that’s when things get very interesting. No one can fool you with the sight. I’ve always had a base of sight, but the Captain always seems to want to test it and make it grow. The mask the Captain wore was disdain in this very moment.

He turned and carried on walking. But I had unleashed a ticking time bomb, something simple, an idea, a question. One that he would need to answer.

I could hear the whispering behind me, in the humidity the sweat just clung to our skin like the words going through the men.

“You still want to know the plan, girl?” The Captain called behind him, throwing his question at me. I stopped in my tracks the man behind banging into me causing me to stumble and move a little faster. I trot up towards the Captain. “Yes Captain.”

“Why don’t you tell me what you think the plan is? You’ve been watching me, weighing my movements. What is my plan?”

“High ground, following the stream.”

“Good, continue.”

“Find out what is around us, where we are and if there are ships.”

“And.”

“A good secure spot for a camp for the night. A guardable area.”

“Why?” He turns to me now, his eyes locked into mine, drawing himself closer, I can feel his hand at my elbow, beginning to rise up my arm.

“It was too dangerous to stay on the beach, in… in case of fleet surviving the fire or the attention it would draw.” My breath catches as his hand rests at the side of my neck, his thumb stroking under my chin.

“Good” he whispers; I can feel his breath on my skin. He feels me swallow by the twitches in my neck, his eyes are still locked onto mine his smile flickers, brighter for a second. “You’re learning.” He is right, his mask has shown intimidation towards the crew but that is not the face I saw when I looked less with my eyes more with something more instinctual. I have tried to hold my own mask, a timid, scared mask. But that really isn’t what the Captain can see. “You’re a quick study.” His other hand is now resting just behind my elbow, the hand on my neck slides round the back of my neck under my hair. To the crew they would have seen me flinch, to him I am resisting what he knows I want, what it is I am seeping into the air through my charm. He can feel my own resistance in wanting his lips on mine. On accepting what I want instinctively in this moment.

I lower my gaze for a moment, just to his lips, his face is so close to mine we are sharing breath, again. This time the crew hears a command, I hear a request when the Captain speaks again. “You want to kiss me? So do it.” I stutter, “I… I…”

“Need to stop resisting.” His expression softened. But the hand behind my neck drew me a fraction closer, just a small amount. I can feel the temptation; the charm he is exuding. It’s intoxicating, he is testing me, not backing down but not making that last move. “Do it” he whispers, his breath and mine spinning between us. Part of me wants to defy him, to pull away and break the charm; not to play this game of power in front of his men. It is not the game the same game that we are interpreting, this is a game of my own inhibitions and the Captain is testing them.

I let go of my resistance, the practicality of it, the practically of being in control of myself for a few moments. I lean that small distance and let our lips meet.

My breath catches in my throat, the tension in my body lessons as he kisses back. His hand abandons being behind my elbow and pins me in the small of my back drawing my body to his. Where our arms cross and touch, where our bodies meet in that contact between us, the heat is less of a humidity issue and more of a sparking issue.

His lips leave mine, the air slows between us for that second before I pull his lips back to mine, this time my hand is wrapped around the back of his neck while I’ve pulled him closer to me. Snaking my fingers into his hair and holding him closer. This time when he kisses me the air seems hotter and balmier, the air is fire inside my lungs. This time I pull away, a fraction, just a little. He is hungry for more and his lips meet mine, chasing me as I lean back a tiny bit, trying to add a little distance between our bodies.

He pauses and reads me, this is enough, right now this is my limit.

He is warm with his smile now. Still hungry, but now with a hint of affection.

Then I feel that familiar lurch and I am pulled back from this world.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Twenty-Four :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Clover has stabbed me in the back again.

Well I know I mentioned that I decided after I found out she had chosen to see how it plays out with the poster child rather than fix the friendship that I was done. I still am. I unfriended her. When she found out she started posting on social media saying I used her for rides in her car. Like seriously, that is pathetic, considering if she did ever go out of her way for me I brought her something where we were or I brought her dinner or lunch or food in general. But you know, I am the bad guy right?

Well that’s not the only place she started to post about me, she posted again on another platform. Apparently she is not a nasty girl, but I am not a true friend, because I walked away from the situation. There is only so long that you can stick around while your friend refuses to listen to reason she knows is right. To advice. To logic and experience. She chose to keep choosing to stay in that toxic situation. She chose to keep being a victim of the damage to her self-esteem. I tried to shock her to reason. Didn’t work obviously. And yet who is the one who gets attacked while she still plays the victim? Who is the one who gets blamed for her mistakes time and time again. Because sure it’s my fault that years ago she couldn’t make up her mind what brother she wanted and when it all blew up who got blamed for it? Me. She did the same thing then on social media.

Well once is a mistake, twice well…

This time it’s not only the public route she has taken, which so far I have avoided. She sent a message to my ex. MY EX of all people. At the moment I am at the point where revenge just seems a bit insufficient. Too public and too messy.

She has been the one to shoot herself in the foot. She has chosen to stab me in the back, again. Blame me for her choices.

Here is something interesting that I realised though. In her messaging my ex I feel like I want to keep away from him rather than keep the friendship. Like she poisons everything she touches.

I don’t think it’s that though. Its more that she is being snide for attention, playing the victim.

I don’t think that friendship could ever or will ever recover.

That is sad. Like really sad.

My name is Elliot Parker. I want a happy life. I am not running after or chasing what I want. What I want is coming to me, there is nothing I have to do to make it happen.

I want to start a new thing in my life. I want to start pursuing happiness in a different way, yes it will come to me, but no I will not chase it. I need a new schedule to my day, a new pattern.

There are times when life can feel overwhelming or it can feel like the most amazing moment to be absorbed in.

See when I started writing this I felt so angry, then I felt sorry, then I felt understanding. She has lost her friend through a bad choice and she has to lash out to get a new source of attention.

When I started writing this, I felt too angry to understand it. Then I reached for the better feeling thought, revenge, though I didn’t act on it. Revenge is the better feeling thought, anger feels powerless but revenge feels powerful. What feels better than revenge? Accepting that this has happened. What feels better than that? Knowing that there is nothing I have to do to fix it, it is not my vibrational mess to fix. I cannot fix someone else or their vibration. The only vibration I can control is mine. It feels good to know that my vibration is under my control. I do not have to alter my vibration to make someone else better by lowering my energy. It feels good to know that my vibration is my own and connected with the larger part of me. It feels good to know that my vibration can raise through the relief of finding the better feeling thoughts and feeling my way better.

Things will work out for me the more I release the resistance I am holding.

I am responding to the world around me by instinct. That feels good, my intuition tells me I am always on my path, I can never be off my path. My intuition is a message, a vibrational interpretation that tells me that I am allowing what I want.

I am feeling better now. Better than I did a few hours ago. I am accepting the relief that comes from walking away from how things were. Accepting how they are. Accepting that I am coming into a new vibrational alignment with a new part of my life. I am coming into a new vibrational alignment; I am on the leading edge of something amazing. I no longer want to keep my hand on the stove of pain. I am ready to allow the knowledge of being a deliberate creator.

I am ready to have another dream; I am ready to go back to the room with the books. I am excited to return to the room, it no longer feels tainted and violated by its being used by another deliberate creator. I will meet whoever this other deliberate creator is soon. I am excited to meet that person and see who else has joined me on the leading edge.

My name is Elliot Parker. I want to give up the phrase “I hope” as in “I hope tomorrow is going to be a better day.” I want to replace that phrase with “I know” as in “I know tomorrow is a better day.”

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX