.: Entry Six :.
My name is Elliot Parker and I am a bitch.
It is true. So the whole avoiding Clover plan. That failed. I saw her. I hate her, kind of, I wish I really hated her, it’s hard. He likes her. Of course he does. I am the girl who gets friend zoned and she is the girl that gets the guys. The damsel in distress. And I am the one that is dependable, the one that looks after everyone else. I don’t know why I am letting this bother me. I am used to it. The girl who is the kooky, funny friend.
I am annoyed because he has genuine feelings for her, though he calls it a crush, and she is absorbing attention from other guys like she is a sponge. A decent guy and he’s still not her main focus. She goes to me to give it a shot with him even though we all know it’s her he wants and he has said as much. It’s frustrating. I have never set her up to fail. But it seems to be fun for her to set everyone else up to fail. The other guys she’s talking to but not really interested in, the ones she is leading on even though she “doesn’t really want a relationship with them”. Like seriously! I find a decent guy, she miraculously hits it off with him and becomes the guy she gets the most attention from that has a crush on her that is a good guy. I mean come on. Give a girl a break. Not all of us can play the sweet little damsel routine, some of us know how to survive in this world for real, without using it as a reason to be a victim of circumstance.
ARGH! It is so infuriating.
Look I am sorry. I am an awful friend. I am just… it’s annoying. She makes a big old show of it and rubs it in my face all the damn time… like really? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? Making a show of talking to him? And other guys hounding you… that’s like so classy…
My name is Elliot Parker, the queen of the friend zone.
I need to not be mad about the friend zone. I mean, I am, but I don’t have to be. They say great relationships can come from close friends. And with he who shall not be named, the friendship was just as on fire as the electricity and chemistry between us. That’s fine. I want that feeling again. That being drawn to someone feeling. The magnetism.
Clover seems to have some kind of magnetism. But her mind, that’s an easy to fuck with toy. It is. Just say things and the right way and you know you have cracked her by the smile that gives her away.
My super power? I read people like a book. Because I am a reader. Because I am a writer. Because I have no choice, I am a deliberate creator. How do you create without knowing the tools you have at your disposal? The answer? Messily. Most people, their intuition is a little voice or a slight suggestion. Mine might as well hold a megaphone to my ear and be screaming at me. That’s how this all began really. My intuition got louder. Harder to ignore. But when I began to listen, I was in the right place at the right time most of the time. I started to see the things that I needed to see. The world sort of yielded more opportunities to learn a bit more each time. The more I listened the clearer the intuition was. Before long, that was all I followed, it became almost an animal instinct, a drive to do a certain thing at a certain moment. It can be pretty hard to ignore; it feels unbearable to ignore. It feels like a physical pain when I ignore a tiny notion that seemingly would have no value, no use.
You see that same intuition, that’s telling me that Clover is playing a game. She is dangling the situation on a stick to get a response. To get a reaction. To find a reason to look like a victim, again. To have something she can use to garner attention.
That is the real reason I find it so irritating, because I know what it is she really wants. And I don’t want to give her what she wants anymore.
My name is Elliot parker, and I am not the girl I used to be.
For a long time, I caved in and gave people what they wanted from me. When I started saying “no”, people didn’t like the change. I had become someone else. My existence didn’t serve them anymore. It took a long time for that “no” to take effect. It took a long time to draw power from that first “no”. It is not a badge of honour. It is not a badge of pride. It is the first step, the first start to getting control of my life, to gaining control of myself.
People have two reactions to something they don’t understand; get rid of it, or, how do I use it and control it. Once that first no started relinquishing me from being controlled. That is when things became messy. Truly, messy. See all the times I had been lead to believe that I wasn’t good enough, that I had no potential. They were being proved wrong. All those words, that conditioning, the chains were being broken, because step by step and moment by moment I began to unlock what the conditioning had blocked me from. My natural abilities, my natural skills and talents.
Unlocking them one by one made the voice of intuition louder, my conscience stronger. And my understanding of all that I knew of the world faltered as I unlearned everything and began to learn who and what I really am.