.: Entry Eight :.
My name is Elliot Parker.
One of my best friends is a bitch. But that is ok. It is, because, I am one too. But I am more than just that. I am so much more.
I was nervous today. I sent something to my friend, a glimpse of my new work. A little something, that I have been working on, not nearly as much as I should be. Anyway, so I sent a sneaky look through to Jonas. I wanted his opinion. And to be quite frank and honest I respect his opinion a tonne more than I would do of Clover’s thoughts on the matter. And for a guy who is a little withdrawn when it comes to praise, I was ecstatic to receive a message saying “I like the style. It is good, I like it.”
Yeah sure I know it sounds underwhelming to be ecstatic about; but he only gives praise when it’s hard earned.
Honestly, the man is a bloody enigma to me. For a girl who knows how to read people, he can still surprise me. Not because I don’t think he could do something, but because I want to be surprised. Because I want to hear the stories. Not because it’s a story, not because I want to know him inside and out, not because it’s when he tells me something new I get excited and find him even more interesting than normal. I love that he is someone that I am still reading that I am learning to read. Much, much quicker. I know there are some that I can read in an instant. I can know a reaction or what it is they are trying to hide when they lie without meaning to. That is the thing. I can read Jonas, fairly well, but it is only fairly well because, I don’t want to be able to read him as well as some. Not because I don’t like him. But because I think he likes it when he shows someone that he isn’t the guy that people expect him to be.
I can relate to that. I stopped wanting to fit in, to be what people expect me to be. That’s fine. It is fine by me if people judge me to be something I am not. Because the something that I am can hide safely. The knowledge I garner from appearing the shy unassuming type is great. The quiet and apparently seemingly incompetent type. I love it. I love being what people never anticipate.
I am Elliot Parker. I bring change. I am a deliberate creator.
I am so thankful that while I cannot speak it in so many words to Jonas, he just sort of knows that I am a quirky bundle of layers. He never demands explanation for anything seemingly random that I say.
He somehow knows it’s not as random as it seems.
My timing seems to be great though, I just seem to know when there is a dip in his energy. I somehow just seem to know the perfect time to tell him that I think he is great. Just when he needs the little pick-me-up.
See that’s another little problem you see. I seem to perform many little rescues during these dips in the moods, in the overall energy of the people I care about. I know their energies from hundreds of miles away, their unspoken thoughts that are troubling them. I know that I need to ask this specific question, or that one. It can be tricky. Because while I have this energy, this sense of knowing the truth of their energy that they are trying to hide, sometimes they are clinging to pretending it’s not there. But it is, both sides of the interaction know it’s there and my acknowledgement of it is not always welcome. But here I am.
I am always there, always listening, to the spoken and unspoken.
When it first started happening, that uneven energy, that need to speak the energy and to bring about a higher better energy, well I didn’t understand it. I didn’t know when the right time to say something was in perfect timing. It took a bit of time to adjust to and well that is when things got harder. Because I still don’t have it quite perfect. But I know, I have gathered some control over it. I know that I will keep getting better at it. I hate it at times, I can feel a lie before it’s even delivered. Friends and loved ones, they can’t hide and they often know that. But strangers, they have no idea that I already know.
But if I can bring about the better feeling energy how I do, I understand why I am turned to, why I am expected to make things at least feel better. I understand that. That is where the potential comes from though. I am in the position that if I can pin point a weak or negative energy I can change it, for better or worse. That is where the conscience takes over. Why it has to take over. Because, it is something I should not be consciously choosing, the choice on instinct is good, but that doesn’t mean my own energy doesn’t come into play. If I feel anger or agitation, that can change just how effective I am at bringing good change to someone else, their thoughts and energy.
That is why, my mental health, that is exactly why I have to be very careful. I have to choose the better feeling, healthier, happier choices all the time, consciously, because the faltering energy can easily become reflected in my own, from empathy or whatever you want to call it; but through that natural energy, it feels worse, it becomes easier to soak negative energies like a sponge. That is where my fear of being bad and doing bad comes from. My ability was weaker the first time. Now it is stronger, I have to be stronger.
The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!