.: Entry Nineteen :.
My name is Elliot Parker.
My love life, or lack of, it’s more like a series of flirtationships if I am honest, confuses me.
So yes, I might have mentioned Adrian Ferisle recently, a fair bit. It’s funny, he went from ignoring me to bombarding me for 24 hours and asking me to do some work for him back to ignoring me. Now he seems to just pop up every so often so I don’t forget he is there. You know, just a don’t forget me message or two and then disappears. He did that sort of when we had our fight before we broke up. It’s that behaviour that has sort of left me leaving that chat window alone, so alone that I tucked it away into the archives.
Sad huh? Considering what once was.
With that fading from my attention I have noticed myself falling into some kind of fantasy more often.
But there is one I struggle with, part of me wants to embrace the fantasy, the other part, absolutely petrified of what could happen if it was definitely not possible. Petrified if it was. Jonas. I know I have a crush on him. I don’t need reminding. He is someone I never expected to have more than a shallow relationship with. You know, the client/artistic genius relationship.
Cute, funny, kind but doesn’t have the same sort of picture for his future as I have for mine. Doesn’t make a blind bit of difference does it? Doesn’t change the excitement of the new message notification. Silly huh?
It feels weird, admitting I have feelings for someone, that they make me excited to hear from them without trying.
I read this book recently, and the way that the author described those little moments when you have that intensity that only you are aware of around that person. How the air changes and everything comes alive, that feeling? I’ve read it, I’ve experienced it, but I have never known how to describe it to someone else. How to let someone inside my head in that way. I don’t know how.
Intimacy. Something I am afraid of, admitting to and experiencing. What is more intimate than revealing those moments that made your heart race, the first time you meet someone? The first time you hold hands? That first time you kiss and there are literal fireworks? What could be scarier than letting someone in to these intimate moments? To let them understand a single moment in time from your perspective?
Intimacy, letting someone see inside your head, like this diary, is a portal to the things I am trying to understand about myself, about the world and the universe, about others, about what I am.
Sometimes it can feel incredibly lonely being me. So I come and I write this, like it makes a difference?
I write about events, things that concern me, and my dreams. But here is the hard part, admitting that my dreams have abandoned me a bit. But I don’t think that is the case, I think I am shutting them out. Avoiding them. I have disconnected. Sure it sounds easy, but disconnecting from yourself, disconnecting from your source energy where everything is unlimited is hard. It affects everything day to day. How you associate with the world. All of it. It gets affected and it turns messy. It stops you from receiving what it is that you want. That is exactly why I disconnected. Because even though I know it is not possible, I don’t know what I want. But that’s it, what I want scares me, and because it scares me I resist it. Which is why I am resisting Jonas in a way, I am putting excuses and conflict into my energy. Not just with him, but he is the best example.
The momentum of the energy in the universe, that thing that I mentioned before about the waves. I got scared. I pulled away and now, I honestly don’t know what my energy is.
My name might be Elliot Parker, and I might be a deliberate creator, but right now I am the only thing standing in my way of what I want.
What I want is freedom.
What I want is safety and security.
What I want is to feel alive.
Well that hit the nail on the head didn’t it, I want to feel alive.
Where I am now, is that really conducive to feeling alive? Meh. But maybe it is ok if I stop shutting myself off, to clean up my energy and to just allow. To just follow some kind of intuition. I am ready to change my world; I am ready to stop resisting. I just need to give in.
I give in to the better feeling thoughts.
I give up the battle.
I give in to the alignment.
I am ready to change my world. I am ready to change the world.
I am learning, constantly, I am getting better. I love knowing that this is just the start and there is never an ending. There is no ending, I can never get it done and I can never get it finished and I can never stay stagnant because, and this is the best bit; life and love is unconditional.
My name is Elliot Parker. I AM A DELIBERATE CREATOR. I am giving up the struggle. There is no struggle. There is contrast and clarity. There is no happily ever after. There is only deliberate intent. Being able to choose, being able to control and choose my manifestations with deliberate knowing. I am growing every day…
I am ready to go down the to the pub and have a little cocktail even on my own. Notebook and pen in hand just to have a little date with myself. I am going to do that. Have a date with myself. Fantasy or reality or whatever. I am going to date myself. I am going to enjoy myself. The better I feel, the more I allow.
The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!
A R Appleby 