.: Entry Twenty-One :.
My name is Elliot Parker.
Last night I had a dream. It wasn’t just empty sleep. It felt so good to be in that world again. It felt so incredibly frustrating to be finally in this dream and then pulled out of it. And yes I know, it was kind of an intense dream. It was kind of an intimate dream. So yes, that anxiety about intimacy played into it. That was kind of awesome. But I did learn something, I can do it. I can think about the awareness of proximity and not feel an anxious prickle down the back of my neck.
And yes the Captain in the dreams… he is attractive, I won’t bother trying to lie. He reminds me of someone. That natural energy. But that world that this dream thrives in, my god it all just seems so intense, and the laws of that world seem different to this world.
But here is an idea, a something I want to know about; can that magical charm transcend into this world? Is it the use of charisma that they are using? Is it magic or charisma? Is it charm or charisma? Is it entrancement or charisma? Is it even charisma? Could it be just internal knowing that what you want will happen? Could it be that knowing, that internal knowing that tells you that everything is coming together for you?
It is such a broad idea. It’s great, I love it.
I woke up this morning full of wonder, full of energy. FULL of imagination. My mind is full of these ideas; these images of things I want to say or show.
So, part of me has this intense wanting to know who the hell the Captain reminds me of. The other part, frustrated that I was woken from that amazing dream, it was so frustrating to be pulled from such a wonderful thing by its phone call.
The person on the other end? Well, that was Clover.
I keep trying to change my observation of her, of my frustration of her, I keep trying to remind myself of all the positive aspects of her. But there is a reason why it is hard, because in my awareness of the frustration I attract the reasoning for it.
So Clover interrupted my lovely dream. Apparently her ex, who she has this intense obsession with, she wants him back, has apparently been on social media. He has been popping up and going away and not talking to her. She has convinced herself that he has done this to check up on her, it’s been well over six months. He is in a relationship with someone else. Nothing seems to have changed. She is convinced that he is playing a game with her to try to get her to be the first one to talk. I don’t know how to tell her she is sounding like a stalker by the way she is holding her attention towards him.
I don’t know how to tell her that, or that she needs to heal and move on. She keeps justifying it, holding herself in this place of pain. She knows the very basics of the process to do with being a deliberate creator from observing me. But in that she uses it to justify her obsession, she doesn’t want to move on.
In observing her I know one thing, I am knowing that her obsession doesn’t make it right. I know that she is holding herself in a place of pain. I have held myself in that place of pain, in my attention to Adrian Ferisle. The thing is I’ve been learning is that his presence in my life must now be one thing or another, all or nothing. His current technique of popping up and not letting me forget about him by talking to me in waves of bombardment and silence, I DO NOT WANT THAT ANYMORE. He wants to stay in my life because he doesn’t want to let me go, it is by his insistence that we are still friends.
But I know and I understand that I am worthy and deserve reliability. I deserve to know where I stand. But I do know where I stand. If he wants to be in my life and keep getting the benefits of my reliability, my care, my consideration, my kindness, my time and my support he needs to make a commitment to me to in turn reliably learn and grow as a team. I am done being in this limbo, I have been done for so long, I have said this so often, but now I believe it. What I want doesn’t trump what I need. I will feel good, no matter what, his presence or his absence will feel good because I feel good.
My name is Elliot Parker and I know that I am deserving of that better feeling thought.
I am excited by the knowing that I am in charge of my happiness it is my thing, my responsibility. Influences like Clover or Adrian are slowly going to have less and less influence on my happiness. Outside factors will have less influence as I become more aware and more in control of my thinking, my happiness and my future. I know that what will be manifested will be brilliant, that I will be excited. I will be sure that whatever is perceived of me will not affect my happiness. Those that understand the process of deliberate creation from the root to the tip of the iceberg will be able to not only hear my words like anyone else but they will be able to understand them. That knowing is awesome.
I am so glad, I am so glad that what is, or what was, is not where I am or where I am going. Because where I am going, I am already there, my energy is in harmony with that. It is the sweet music of the universe. That joy, unbridled comes from the understanding, from the knowing that develops from being a deliberate creator.
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