.: Entry Thirty :.
My name is Elliot Parker. I should be angrier than I am. I should be livid. I feel deceived, this room with the books, it was all his doing. It was all his creation.
“You hate me don’t you?” His words punctuate my thoughts.
“I can’t hate you, even when I try and you know that.”
“Are you mad?”
“You know that you asking that is normally the thing that makes me mad. That’s that thing you do.”
“Elliot, what are you thinking.”
“When I said I love you, I meant it, I still mean it. When I said always I meant exactly that. But this, seeing you like this and hearing what you can’t or won’t say in the real world, that is not enough. This needs to have real world consequences.”
“I can’t promise that, I am standing in my own way.”
“You need to sort that out, it is not fair that you and I both know what we want, it is not fair that we both want the same thing ultimately. But I am tired of being the only one willing to pursue that. You need to meet me halfway, at least.”
“I want to.”
“I know that, I know. But this has to have some consequence in the real world. You are the one who insisted we stayed friends. You are the one who keeps us in each other’s orbits. I know this is stupid. It is stupid that I have to say this to you. My friends who have barely any idea of the complications of what goes on with us, they say that you still have feelings for me, that you aren’t over me. I already know that, I read it in you. And yet I have always been the one who made the first move to reconcile arguments to sort things out, I have always tried my best. But you not meeting me half way reinforces the feeling that I had that I was never good enough.”
“That’s not true.”
“I know that. I know that I am good enough. I am worthy. I am standing here, in this created place where we can talk openly and you still want me to jump through the hoops and wait forever. I love you. I do, always. But I need you to meet me half way in the real world. I am tired, so tired of this. Of knowing what I want, knowing that what I want is what you want and yet nothing ever changes. It is time for the real world to change.”
“I want to try.”
“Then try. Meet me halfway. I don’t care that you are following your career and working away. I care that we want the same thing but we can’t work on that if we aren’t working as a team.”
I feel the twist in my stomach. His expression reads hurt. I know I am asking the impossible of him. His conscious self will stand in his way and he will be fighting the stubborn unyielding self. The man standing in his way. I have tried and tried. And now I feel like it is time to just let go of everything I have asked for and let it just happen. To stop beating the drum of what is.
I am done with what is. I am ready for the things that I want. I am letting this struggle go, the struggle with myself, the struggle with him.
If it is in my highest good, if I am vibrationally aligned with this desire it will manifest.
There is nothing that I need to do, I just have to appreciate the knowledge that I have, that I know. Things are always getting better.
“We are a team. We always have been. I am always going to be here for you.” I am sure of every word. I know that he knows what I am saying is true.
“You always are, whenever I need you, I know that you are there.” His expression has softened. He looks less hurt. I just hope that he understands and remembers the truth of the dream when he wakes up.
“Please, just let this have real world consequences, let’s just enjoy the becoming of the both of us working together, being a team again. I am certain that I am ready, I am ready for us, I am ready for us to enjoy every little detail of all that is and all that we are when we are together.”
“Even if I ask you wait for me, to sort out the work side of things.”
“If you ask me for what you want, and you don’t stand in your own way at all… Ask and it is given.”
“Ask and it is given?”
“Always.” I can’t help but take a deep breath here, the smell of the room is fading and I can smell him. I can smell the softness of his skin. His proximity. The feel of his hands taking my own. The proximity of how close his body is to mine. His eyes smiling in the way I know the words behind that look, that is his “I love you” look, the words that are behind the eyes that he doesn’t say. I know I have him, I know I have his heart and his love and I know that I look after him in a way no one else seems to be able to do, or has done. I know the love I give him, the nurturing and unconditional love he receives from me is something he doesn’t know the depth of. I love him unconditionally and whole heartedly. He knows it, he might not actively realise it or understand it. But he knows it, that I am always here. I love him. He knows that. That’s the thing, the future we can have, it is real, it has been asked for from the universe. The universe has already said yes. It is just all a question of alignment. Right?