.: Entry Thirty-Six :.
My name is Elliot Parker.
I feel neutral. Like I know, the old me, the me before I discovered that I am a deliberate creator, that me would be sad, perhaps a bit devastated and definitely missing Adrian. Worse than that I think that the old me would feel cheated in a way. Determined to rebel and get his attention, determined that he would be missing me as much as I would be missing him. But I am not that person anymore. It is so weird. I can see my old reactions wanting to hit a reflex button and go this is what you should be feeling and doing and being… it wants to ask me right now, “why aren’t you miserable?” How is that? How is it that the past self is begging me to answer for my happiness… how dare I not be in a negative and sad and grumpy state of being?!
Well tough. I only feel neutral because I can feel that asking, but that asking is getting quieter. There is a reason for that. My steady sustained energy is at a higher frequency, a happier frequency. It feels as though all this practice of reaching for the better feeling thought, that is working out for me. Just as I know everything is always working out for me. I keep repeating this favourite phrase, everything is always working out for me. It feels like I am beginning to realise something I hadn’t anticipated. That change that I was dreaming of, that was myself. It’s not the environment I am in, the conditions surrounding me might be changing a little, but me? I am changing a lot. I feel more sure of myself. That little voice of who I used to be is shrinking away and this positive deliberate creator is taking over. I am beginning to get better at my creative choices and the energy I choose to attract. I am ready for a happy day every day. Right now is all that matters until it is the next right now. That is why I want to do things recently that I’ve been putting off. Things that I have been putting off because I felt incapable, un worthy. Well guess what? I am worthy. I am coming to a sure and clear understanding that I am worthy.
I believe that I will get the full realisations and manifestations of my desires. If my attention and desire to win the lottery is there I will win it. If I want to attract Adrian Ferisle I believe that I can attract him in a way that pleases me.
The angel numbers that keep showing up are nice little reminders from the universe, keep going. Keep having that positive experience.
I know that it is strange, but perhaps not, perhaps the real life has been out weighing the dream world. Because the attention that I am focused at right now, is trying the best that I can to feel better about my wellbeing. Well now, now I want to learn to drive, I am sure that there will be an opportunity to learn to drive a car and a bike and I want to do that because the freedom feeling. I want to feel free. I am free. I enjoy the freedom of being this deliberate creator because I know that I am getting better at choosing the energies that I want.
The what is? Well the what is I hear the old me asking for, Adrian has gone quiet, flew abroad a few days ago and he is settling in and I know without speaking to him that he is adjusting and finding his feet.
I had a moment with Clover yesterday when she turned to me and said, “I am ready to live on my own, to live in my own space” I was proud of her progress until she said “but at the moment I cannot afford it and I have limited choices.” Then I felt a little discord because I know that she has trapped herself into that spiral of thinking. But I do agree with her on one thing, “I am ready to live on my own, to live in my own space”. I know what my own space looks, I know what my own home looks like. I know how I want my bed to be, I know how my bed will feel and that I will own lots of different bed sheets but I will enjoy the minty earthy green sheets every so often. I know what my kitchen will need to look like, how I want it to look. I know how I want the extension of my own private hanging out space looks like in my own home.
My name is Elliot Parker and I am a deliberate creator.
I am taking one magical step and then another right along to the dreams that I am searching. I am ready for a dream of that room, I am ready for a dream of that room on my own, I am ready for a dream of that room for my complete privacy. I am ready to open one book and jump in and experience every word that I can. I am determined to understand the inner workings of a dream within a dream. The first layer of the dream is within my control, but the second layer, is just pure fun fantasy and I have no intention of being in control I am ready to relinquish control. I am ready to just enjoy what has been created for me, the created wonderful works of the universe.
My name is Elliot Parker and I am giving up the effort. I am giving up the resistance to what I want. I am giving up the struggle. I am giving up the angst.
I am revelling in the knowing that I can be and do and see and have anything that I want, without a doubt, I am revelling in the joy of being a deliberate creator.