.: Entry Thirty-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I feel neutral. Like I know, the old me, the me before I discovered that I am a deliberate creator, that me would be sad, perhaps a bit devastated and definitely missing Adrian. Worse than that I think that the old me would feel cheated in a way. Determined to rebel and get his attention, determined that he would be missing me as much as I would be missing him. But I am not that person anymore. It is so weird. I can see my old reactions wanting to hit a reflex button and go this is what you should be feeling and doing and being… it wants to ask me right now, “why aren’t you miserable?” How is that? How is it that the past self is begging me to answer for my happiness… how dare I not be in a negative and sad and grumpy state of being?!

Well tough. I only feel neutral because I can feel that asking, but that asking is getting quieter. There is a reason for that. My steady sustained energy is at a higher frequency, a happier frequency. It feels as though all this practice of reaching for the better feeling thought, that is working out for me. Just as I know everything is always working out for me. I keep repeating this favourite phrase, everything is always working out for me. It feels like I am beginning to realise something I hadn’t anticipated. That change that I was dreaming of, that was myself. It’s not the environment I am in, the conditions surrounding me might be changing a little, but me? I am changing a lot. I feel more sure of myself. That little voice of who I used to be is shrinking away and this positive deliberate creator is taking over. I am beginning to get better at my creative choices and the energy I choose to attract. I am ready for a happy day every day. Right now is all that matters until it is the next right now. That is why I want to do things recently that I’ve been putting off. Things that I have been putting off because I felt incapable, un worthy. Well guess what? I am worthy. I am coming to a sure and clear understanding that I am worthy.

I believe that I will get the full realisations and manifestations of my desires. If my attention and desire to win the lottery is there I will win it. If I want to attract Adrian Ferisle I believe that I can attract him in a way that pleases me.

The angel numbers that keep showing up are nice little reminders from the universe, keep going. Keep having that positive experience.

I know that it is strange, but perhaps not, perhaps the real life has been out weighing the dream world. Because the attention that I am focused at right now, is trying the best that I can to feel better about my wellbeing. Well now, now I want to learn to drive, I am sure that there will be an opportunity to learn to drive a car and a bike and I want to do that because the freedom feeling. I want to feel free. I am free. I enjoy the freedom of being this deliberate creator because I know that I am getting better at choosing the energies that I want.

The what is? Well the what is I hear the old me asking for, Adrian has gone quiet, flew abroad a few days ago and he is settling in and I know without speaking to him that he is adjusting and finding his feet.

I had a moment with Clover yesterday when she turned to me and said, “I am ready to live on my own, to live in my own space” I was proud of her progress until she said “but at the moment I cannot afford it and I have limited choices.” Then I felt a little discord because I know that she has trapped herself into that spiral of thinking. But I do agree with her on one thing, “I am ready to live on my own, to live in my own space”. I know what my own space looks, I know what my own home looks like. I know how I want my bed to be, I know how my bed will feel and that I will own lots of different bed sheets but I will enjoy the minty earthy green sheets every so often. I know what my kitchen will need to look like, how I want it to look. I know how I want the extension of my own private hanging out space looks like in my own home.

My name is Elliot Parker and I am a deliberate creator.

I am taking one magical step and then another right along to the dreams that I am searching. I am ready for a dream of that room, I am ready for a dream of that room on my own, I am ready for a dream of that room for my complete privacy. I am ready to open one book and jump in and experience every word that I can. I am determined to understand the inner workings of a dream within a dream. The first layer of the dream is within my control, but the second layer, is just pure fun fantasy and I have no intention of being in control I am ready to relinquish control. I am ready to just enjoy what has been created for me, the created wonderful works of the universe.

My name is Elliot Parker and I am giving up the effort. I am giving up the resistance to what I want. I am giving up the struggle. I am giving up the angst.

I am revelling in the knowing that I can be and do and see and have anything that I want, without a doubt, I am revelling in the joy of being a deliberate creator.

.: Entry Thirty-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Thursday sort of went the way that I wanted-ish. Well… It happened like this: I wanted to see Adrian Thursday night. It wasn’t looking likely, he had so much to get done before he went abroad to work, well, then he got called into work and I got a message that if they get the problem sorted quickly then he would come round. Well… I suppose I had a tiny bit of residual resistance, and I was tired, very tired. So I went to bed and fell asleep. I found out the next day that he had been stuck at work till 1am. Which sucked. But it kind of worked out for the best. You see I had it in my head that my appointment was later than it was… ooopsie.

Friday I woke up about six fifty something and went back to bed, the alarm that goes off every morning at seven went off and I sort of thought “oh just check the time” … Well I did and my appointment wasn’t the afternoon like I thought, it was the freaking morning, I was not impressed. How had I convinced myself that it was so much later than it was?

Anyway I got myself sorted and ready in plenty of time and made it there early. I didn’t get the results I wanted, but I know that could change quite easily if I find a way to sure up my energy on my desire without resistance.

I had a dream, last night. Not the dream of that room. But a different dream. Ok it was two dreams.

So… in this dream, I was high up in a block of flats and it was comfortable and I found myself looking out of the window, in the distance I see this tornado. Its huge, massive and so very different. A beautiful destruction, like the storm in a cup level spectacular. It was huge and the colour changed from dark greys to plumes of burgundy with green lights and it just seemed to be this huge massive stage effect. It was bewildering, and huge and wow. It changed colours and it changed direction a lot. The flats that I was in seemed to move sideways and such like a great glass elevator moving along a horizontal path at huge speeds and it seemed as though I were unintentionally and intentionally changing the directions of the tornado. It seemed to just be this beautiful changing spectacle.

The second dream. Well, there were these railway tracks and somehow you clip into them, on the back of a train and you are holding this rail and this train is moving so fast and on the other pole, the one near mine is Adrian. The faster the train moves the harder it is to keep your body vertical it just feels easier to let go and hold on to the pole with your arms (with ease) and let your body float in the speed of the air. It was incredible. So there the train goes faster and faster and the rails have this high turning bridge of rails right over the water. It looks petrifying and dangerous and I know that all you have to do is keep believing and hold on and its fine. And I can feel Adrian tense up and I try to encourage him to trust that it will be ok. The train picks up speed and starts rising and it’s over the water and it’s scary in a beautiful stunning way. And Adrian gets scared and let’s go and I find some instinct stop the train and pull Adrian back up and on and we are at that part just before the train goes up over the water. This time I tell him and encourage him to trust me and to stay holding on. Well the train picks up speed and we get over the water and the dangerous scary part and its done, we get into the main body of the train and sit inside.

According to dream dictionary: the tornado means that… oh it’s something about change, a challenge an important relationship something that is on the horizon. There is a positive feeling in the dream so I am going to take an educated guess that it is not something that is bad that is coming, just a change. The train tracks apparently that has something to do with being in control if you are on the tracks, coming off the tracks is a lack of control. I suppose that has more to do with Adrian than I, I know that he struggles with control and change, though I am not sure why I am the one who has the control and manages to pick him up and get him back on track, or why it was important for him to trust me in what I was doing. Moving into the regular carriage apparently means ease. The second dream didn’t really feel like one of my own if I am honest, not the kind of dream I would normally have. Apparently seeing Adrian in the dream is that it was his thinking of me intensely therefor projecting a telepathic message towards me. Which given that he is about to start working away for a long time, it perhaps makes the travelling factor of the train tracks make sense. So maybe I only saw that dream because he wanted me to see that dream. I don’t know, but rescuing him then didn’t feel much different to rescuing him in the real world when he struggles emotionally.

I know that things between us were a bit weird. Are a bit weird. I guess that kind of happens when one of you reads life in energies and the other in logic. It’s weird, having a connection with someone and you just sort of know these odd thoughts in their heads, the unspoken things, how they feel or what they are doing. It’s like knowing a book cover to cover but it keeps changing the story.

.: Entry Thirty-Four :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Today is still Thursday for me.

The dream of the pair of pairs of magpies is still on my mind. It was a different dream. It feels like the first time I have ever seen this dream of the magpies telling me that the happiness is multiplied it was like yes, four does mean for a boy. But it also means, look there is happiness and there is happiness it is where ever you set your gaze and from the broader perspective the happiness is multiplied. It feels good to know.

So yesterday I went for a late lunch with Clover, I wanted to know clearly, to have it confirmed to me that those intimate moments on Monday were intimate and not just my relaxed allowing feeling. I wanted it confirmed. I wanted confirmation? Like I didn’t know what I already knew what I have been knowing. How strange.

So anyway I recounted what happened as objectively as I could, trying to remove myself, my feeling and my interpretation of those moments.

Clover turned to me and said that it was very relationshippy that it didn’t surprise her. She knows, she has this certainty and knowing that Adrian and I will be together again, we will work things out and “get back together” in that moment, I felt a little guilty for the feelings I have had for Jonas. Her certainty in her knowing just felt like there was no remorse or discomfort in her knowing. It expanded what I know. She is beginning to learn how to be a deliberate creator and her knowing without question of this was just very interesting to watch her list of knowing.

There are times where Clover is handed a great huge giant piece of contrast that infuriates her. Rather than find a way back to alignment with her focus she wants to bathe and swim and go wild with the contrast. There is the huge difference. The contrast that is handed to me that infuriates me? Well I try to find my way back to alignment to feel relief.

I know that finding some relief of the emotion will lead to more if I follow and hold my attention to it and before long my energy begins to alter, I begin to walk closer to hopefulness, I begin to walk closer to optimism, I walk closer to happiness. I reach a point and it feels like walking hand in hand with happiness. It feels great. It feels spectacular. It is so wonderful to enjoy the manifestation of the better feeling thoughts.

I have to keep remembering this one thing, there is nothing that I can gain from talking about it when I feel the resistance. Do you know what I recommend my dear diary? I recommend walking away from those thoughts that do not satisfy you, that do not provide you the ease and bliss that you want to feel. Walk the F- away from them because it doesn’t make a diddly bit of difference.

Want to know something interesting? Of course you don’t, you are my diary.

So I told Clover about my dream. It was early in the morning, she read it and went back to sleep. So she just sent me a message that she had a weird dream. She dreamed she was pregnant (around four months) and I already had a baby an 18 month old. The name, though, I have never told her what I want to call my kids (yes I know already a little list of names that I would like to call my kids) and she told me that the name of my baby, was a name from that list, a list that I tell no one. Which very much surprised me. And she goes on to say that I apparently said “so much for the doctors saying he can’t have kids” and I am here on the other side of my phone laughing because I know the who. Here is where it gets a second bit odd. I have had this strange feeling like a knowing, one of those just things that you just have a feeling about. Anyway that feeling that if I had a child with this person, our first child would be a boy. And apparently in her dream it was. It was a strange dream apparently and continues focused on the pregnancy on her side. The 18 months part, I haven’t told her yet that Adrian’s contract is for 18 months. I found that a very odd coincidence. It was nice to hear about the strange dream just because of all the funny coincidences of things I have not told her appearing in her dream. It just feels funny, amusing. Like co-creating at its best, she is dreaming of the pregnancy and the boyfriend that she really wants but at the same time she is showing hints and signs at things that have never been told to her. Her dream is interesting from the tiny details that I know that are related to me or my future just because it is curious to see what I want subconsciously that has leaked into her subconscious that coincides and collaborates with what she wants.

I have a feeling that I know exactly what would be a good thing for her to receive. I am being a bit spoiled today with all these fun moments of alignment, all these funny moments where I check the time by accident to see how long I have left before I need to go out. So far today I have had 11.00 show itself to me, 11.11 and 11.22 it is fun to just see my alignment and shots at angel numbers that I do and don’t know.

I am feeling the bliss of the amusement, the bliss of the waft and smell of the candle wax burning. It is fun to imagine that as the candle burns it is pulling the resistance from me and dissipating it. It feels great to just allow these funny moments that amuse me. The universe is confirming to me all that I ask of it and all that I have not yet asked it is bringing forth the answers.

.: Entry Thirty-Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

This is my diary. This is my diary that seems to have warped as I have grown. I suspect, that this diary is my own way at times to rampage myself right into that pure positive energy.

There is a brief story I want to share with my diary.

So last week, or was it the week before? Either way, I had a strange impulse to put on a specific piece of jewellery. I just had this call to put the ring on. This ring, has runes on it that the inscription translates to health and happiness. But that is not all, there is a pendant that was pared with this ring. A simple silver pendant with runes. I gave the pendant on the cord string to Adrian last year when I found out that he was going to be working away a lot. A little sort of totem or something. Something to remember me by in a way.

So about half a week or so later (we land this now on Saturday) I lay in bed in the late evening and I felt my grandad there with me, his spirit took my hand. I was feeling pretty damn bloated after an evening out with my friend at a nice buffet. And I have to say it was great. But, I remember saying that I will not be intimate with someone without a relationship. I took a decision in that moment that that was what I wanted. So anyway back to lying in bed bloated with my grandad’s spirit being with me. I asked if I should send a message about the buffet place to Adrian and I just had this answer come to me in that moment. Send the message tomorrow morning when you wake up and you feel good and light and there is no resistance.

The next morning comes and I sent the message, I got a reply. Which surprised me. The reply was like that’s cool, guess what, I’m back. And it just felt like the receptive mode was like just go with it.

So I went out for the day still messaging Adrian, silly conversational stuff, and I felt inspired to dye my hair so I did. It’s a lot less red, quite a dark brown though. So we were chatting and we wanted to meet but timing was unfortunate on the Sunday but the Monday, well apparently that was 100%. That worked for me the day was easy and receptive too. It was a couple of pure days of receptive mode, I got my hair cut on Monday and I felt better. And here’s where it gets a bit messy. So Monday evening we did hang out, it was a fun evening, an intimate evening. There was a silly moment, where I grabbed his bum and said “this is mine”. It was a silly moment, but I just felt the idea in the receptive mode of the sensation. So the silly game of “this is mine” escalated in a simply aligned way. When he asked “is there anything else that is yours?” I just felt inspired to the answer. As he said “you don’t want my brain its broken” I said “your mind… your heart” I just felt inspired to the honesty, to the lack of argument. In response to his comment I felt inspired in my answer because it was honest, “broken toys play together nicely, just need a little imagination.” That is so very true, I felt his resistance when he answered “no they don’t” it was as though no one had ever said to him it is ok to be who you are and be loved for it. “I have enough imagination for the both of us.” That was the best answer I could give that he would receive in the right way. It was simply an aligned evening, I felt a place of pure alignment. He is mine, I know it. I can’t explain the how but I just know it.

So the plan was I would see him Thursday. Well with contracts signed now he has to get ready he’s going to be away for 18 months and he thinks he has too much to do so Thursday is an impossibility. It’s not impossible. I have had inspired day dreamy things during meditation that tells me that Thursday is definitely not an impossibility. I am in the receiving mode, his day will be easy and complete before he realises and Thursday is an incredible possibility.

I feel pretty sure that I am in the receiving mode. Today is Thursday. Between Tuesday morning and today I contended with my resistance but now, I am releasing resistance. I know everything is always working out for me. There is nothing that I need to do right now. Just write in my diary and relax. Today I will allow, today I will meditate and enjoy the things that I do. I have lit a little tea light candle to enjoy the flame of, to just enjoy the peace of watching a candle. That is my secret. I love to watch the flame, it sooths and calms my soul. It is my natural soul cleanser. It feels good to release any and all resistance to be burned up by the candle and diminished.

I had a dream last night, after asking my grandad for assistance, to make the day dreams from meditation real. So anyway in this dream I am in a sort of open space, there is green everywhere and a couple of rows of houses. And there is a pair of magpies on one roof and I feel this bliss of knowing, two magpies, its happiness and in that breath I look to the opposite roof and there is a pair of magpies there and the bliss is just abundant. And it is then that my brain and I begin to argue a little, I said to myself oh there are four magpies, but my brain says no, today there is two pairs, two twos. Not four but two twos it is happiness multiplied by happiness. Accept that whatever direction you look, there is happiness.

Last night in the book that I had begun reading there was a quote, a pair of lines that I just felt complete assimilation with. “You only hear what you are ready to hear.” This is so very true. And I am allowing Adrian into my day.