.: Entry Fifty-Nine :.
My name is Elliot Parker, and the dusty room filled with books is materialising around me like a sea.
“Elliot?” His voice, even here makes my heart skip a beat.
“Adrian, you called me here?” I look at the books in the room around me, still tidy.
“I wanted to talk to you. I am going away again.” My heart sinks.
“I know, you said” the distance between us, however short in this room feels like gulfs sometimes.
“I didn’t say no to you. Did you notice?” He sounds like a hopeful child, wanting you to see some marvellous effort.
“When I said about second chances?”
“Yeah.” His smile is so hopeful it’s starting to hurt.
“I noticed. Looks like you are leaking through, not a straight no, less pinching off, just because you won’t physically be in the same country doesn’t mean that the second chance is invalid.” I watch the smile on his face, the little twitch as the corners of his mouth move as his smile becomes a grin.
“I know, it was the best I could do, I’m still pinched off, just I wanted to say thank you for helping, you are showing him, you are here the same as in the reality, you managed to allow your full self. We can see it, it is causing the changes in us, you know that right?” The way the separation talks from his physical and his soul pinched off hurts, I know it does, I remember that hurt.
“Yes. But that can’t be all you wanted to talk about.” I want to know everything he called me here for, but there is never enough time together.
“It’s not, after that hell of a day, we wanted to make sure you were ok, you know, he, we, we want you safe.” I can’t help but smile,
“Why is it, our best heart to hearts are here?”
“Because, I think, you already know, our souls are linked now.” Whether it is what we want or not, I know we are linked.
“Love does that doesn’t it?” He nods. I bridge the gap between us and walk over to him. “I know he is changing, I can see it, he didn’t have to tell me what I already knew. He keeps making this point, he’s asking for advice but it’s asking for advice and sharing things with me in a way that didn’t really happen before. He tells me about some girl who wants him or another that wanted a particular kind of favour from him and he tells me. He says to me that he says no to them and what they desire is not what he wants and lets me know that he said no.”
“But he, I, we haven’t said no to you.” Like he is offering the piece of a puzzle I didn’t already know.
“Precisely, it’s like you’re consciously trying to tell me to listen that you’ve not said ‘no’ you’ve evaded it saying that you won’t be in the country.”
“I’ve not given up on you. I can’t give you up. Listen to me, in reality, he’s still pinched off but now he is seeing that its ok to allow the whole of him, little by little. You showed us it was possible, how we hurt you and look at how you transformed. You became this soul that shines in this world and in reality and we can see your allowing yourself like a beacon showing us that it is possible. You don’t give up your connection with yourself. We are becoming the man you deserve.”
I can feel the ghost of a tear and I know it’s from the physical world. I am crying in my sleep, I can’t but let out a small smile.
“I don’t want you to go.”
“We don’t either. Just don’t give up on us.” I haven’t so far, I don’t think it could be possible.
“I love you, unconditionally. Promise you will never forget that.” He nods, I can’t stop myself from reaching up and pulling him into a kiss. My whole body feels like its glowing and sparking from top to toe, inside and out. I remember this feeling, it’s the feeling I’ve had in his arms. When we first saw each other after the messy break up and months of quiet, when we finally saw each other. I just remember this feeling being in his arms. It’s like a golden light coming from within, like the most intensely perfect feeling.
“We fit together.” I nod unable to find the words yet again. “You know of all the stupid things I’ve done, screwing us up was the dumbest mistake of my life.” I can’t help but laugh, it’s something of a choking feeling with the ghost of a tear.
“It’s easily fixed, just keep doing what you are doing, soon being happy won’t be the enemy. I wish you could remember that happiness isn’t the horrible thing he contorts it into. It doesn’t have to end.”
“I know, just keep leading by example.”
“I have no intention of stopping my allowing the full self. You know I mean it, when I say this year I’m going to be selfish, I am putting myself and what makes me happy first.”
“I don’t doubt it.”
“This year is my year; personal or professional I am doing me this year. I hope you get to tap into your full self this year. You deserve to be happy.”
“I know, you too. I am getting there, its baby steps between here and reality. Everything is working out, just don’t forget you know how I feel even if in the physical he refuses to admit anything. I am working on getting that wall knocked down. One step at a time.”
“When you tell me you are telling the other girls no…”
“I am telling you to be honest with you, but more than that, to show you that I haven’t said no to you, to show you that I can’t let you go even if I can’t say it out there, I mean it. I can’t and won’t lose you.”
“That would be impossible. I already told you, I am always, always here for you. I wish I could give you everything you want to make you happy.”
“You do. But I just have to stop getting in my own way.”
“This is so bittersweet.”
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