.: Entry Sixty :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Waking up from the dream, the ghost tears felt real now. Waking up at three thirty-three in the morning, my time. Nothing short of magical to wake at three thirty-three in the morning and feel that kind of connection. I just feel like a walk in the sunset but you can’t really do that at three thirty something now in the morning. Instead I lay there and close my eyes, I take one deep breath and then another, and soon I see colours on the backs of my eyelids, swirling colours. I begin to think of that walk, the way the sun looks disappearing with streaks of reds and ambers bleeding the blue of the sky. The brisk cold air filling my lungs and splashing my face as I walk. The warmth of the coat around me and the hot heat of a hard walk in every muscle. The music in my ears. The cold ice of the air, making my nose red. I let it fill my every breath and every thought. Just the falling away of my existence, the falling away of the reality. This time the tears that fall are from the cold whipping wind. Nothing is more beautiful. It’s the kind of view that you just want to capture forever.

Is it running away or just loosing yourself? I miss loosing myself in other worlds like this, where the clarity is so unmistakeable. In a place where every risk pays off and you can have what you want in your life just by writing it. If that was possible I know what I would want, him, us, that back together-ness. I could have it my way, I could have everything. Isn’t that what happens in the stories, there’s a rough patch, things change, people change and then somehow they fall back together and things work out perfectly. The whole happy ever after thing. I want to live that, however much I wouldn’t openly admit it, I believe in it and with him, I want it.

Sometimes, being in touch with how you feel, can be a little overwhelming. Sometimes just wanting silence from yourself. No thoughts, just awe with the world around you and peace, sometimes it’s the thing that you want more than anything. Something to cleanse your soul. I know that it doesn’t sound like it, but I do love that I am finding ways to allow the whole of me, but more than anything, sometimes I just want to wash the fog away, you know the fog of trying to work out what it is you want and what everyone else wants from you. To just wash all of the ties and responsibilities away and let the ocean sweep over your very soul.

The thing is right now, for once, things with Adrian feel stable. Even when I am taking the biggest risks. I let him know a second chance was possible. I’ve become so much braver. Sometimes, I just struggle, because I don’t recognise myself. I don’t know where the last few years have gone, I don’t know where many years of my life have gone, boxed up and repressed for my own happiness.

These risks with Adrian, they may not seem like they are paying off, there’s no calculable results but they are there, especially on my side. The payoff is enormous. It feels better to be braver, it doesn’t feel like I am being brave. It feels like I am allowing myself most of all in that moment and it can only work out for me in the best way.

Last night, it was the night before Adrian flies, it’s the first trip he’s been home and I haven’t seen him, it’s been so hard as it is. I let him know that even if I can’t see him before he leaves I hope he has a safe trip. He said something sweet back, he hoped I stayed safe and wished me luck with the books. He’s never said that before.

I had to ask him if this was goodbye, it felt strange. It wasn’t goodbye. I asked him to keep in touch while he was out there. I just didn’t want him to think that there was an end to me wanting him in my life. He is such a huge part of it.

So I took a chance and I sent him another one of those, risks… in a message. It wasn’t me trying to achieve anything, it wasn’t with an agenda or motive. It was just me wanting to share what was in my heart at that particular moment, my own rampage filled with pure unconditional love.

“Promise you will keep in touch. Cos you are in my life for good and forever now. I wrote about you before I even met you. Writers immortalise the people they love and you are already immortalised in one of the stories that I have written, so that’s that. You are a life changing event and though it’s taken us a long time to get here I would do it all again. You helped me become the very best version of myself, the me that I had the potential to be that was out of reach, the best is still getting better.

I’m a better woman, a better friend, a better writer and a better everything for having you in my life. I owe you the biggest thank you the world could ever offer so I honestly do wish you a sincerely happy life.

I’ve immortalised you in other stories, so you are truly eternal, I hope that you can understand that the love I have for you is unconditional; at your best and your worst for all time. Whatever we may be and wherever we may be that doesn’t change.

I say this with complete sincerity, thank you for all that you are in my life and for your existence. You are loved, unconditionally and unendingly and appreciated beyond measure.”

Waiting for those two blue ticks suddenly felt like the riskiest thing in the world.

Out now! Want to see the next installment ahead of time? Can’t wait to find out what happens next? Get a cheeky little preview in the kindle book and see what happens after that risky text… 

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.: Entry Fifty-Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker, and the dusty room filled with books is materialising around me like a sea.

“Elliot?” His voice, even here makes my heart skip a beat.

“Adrian, you called me here?” I look at the books in the room around me, still tidy.

“I wanted to talk to you. I am going away again.” My heart sinks.

“I know, you said” the distance between us, however short in this room feels like gulfs sometimes.

“I didn’t say no to you. Did you notice?” He sounds like a hopeful child, wanting you to see some marvellous effort.

“When I said about second chances?”

“Yeah.” His smile is so hopeful it’s starting to hurt.

“I noticed. Looks like you are leaking through, not a straight no, less pinching off, just because you won’t physically be in the same country doesn’t mean that the second chance is invalid.” I watch the smile on his face, the little twitch as the corners of his mouth move as his smile becomes a grin.

“I know, it was the best I could do, I’m still pinched off, just I wanted to say thank you for helping, you are showing him, you are here the same as in the reality, you managed to allow your full self. We can see it, it is causing the changes in us, you know that right?” The way the separation talks from his physical and his soul pinched off hurts, I know it does, I remember that hurt.

“Yes. But that can’t be all you wanted to talk about.” I want to know everything he called me here for, but there is never enough time together.

“It’s not, after that hell of a day, we wanted to make sure you were ok, you know, he, we, we want you safe.” I can’t help but smile,

“Why is it, our best heart to hearts are here?”

“Because, I think, you already know, our souls are linked now.” Whether it is what we want or not, I know we are linked.

“Love does that doesn’t it?” He nods. I bridge the gap between us and walk over to him. “I know he is changing, I can see it, he didn’t have to tell me what I already knew. He keeps making this point, he’s asking for advice but it’s asking for advice and sharing things with me in a way that didn’t really happen before. He tells me about some girl who wants him or another that wanted a particular kind of favour from him and he tells me. He says to me that he says no to them and what they desire is not what he wants and lets me know that he said no.”

“But he, I, we haven’t said no to you.” Like he is offering the piece of a puzzle I didn’t already know.

“Precisely, it’s like you’re consciously trying to tell me to listen that you’ve not said ‘no’ you’ve evaded it saying that you won’t be in the country.”

“I’ve not given up on you. I can’t give you up. Listen to me, in reality, he’s still pinched off but now he is seeing that its ok to allow the whole of him, little by little. You showed us it was possible, how we hurt you and look at how you transformed. You became this soul that shines in this world and in reality and we can see your allowing yourself like a beacon showing us that it is possible. You don’t give up your connection with yourself. We are becoming the man you deserve.”

I can feel the ghost of a tear and I know it’s from the physical world. I am crying in my sleep, I can’t but let out a small smile.

“I don’t want you to go.”

“We don’t either. Just don’t give up on us.” I haven’t so far, I don’t think it could be possible.

“I love you, unconditionally. Promise you will never forget that.” He nods, I can’t stop myself from reaching up and pulling him into a kiss. My whole body feels like its glowing and sparking from top to toe, inside and out. I remember this feeling, it’s the feeling I’ve had in his arms. When we first saw each other after the messy break up and months of quiet, when we finally saw each other. I just remember this feeling being in his arms. It’s like a golden light coming from within, like the most intensely perfect feeling.

“We fit together.” I nod unable to find the words yet again. “You know of all the stupid things I’ve done, screwing us up was the dumbest mistake of my life.” I can’t help but laugh, it’s something of a choking feeling with the ghost of a tear.

“It’s easily fixed, just keep doing what you are doing, soon being happy won’t be the enemy. I wish you could remember that happiness isn’t the horrible thing he contorts it into. It doesn’t have to end.”

“I know, just keep leading by example.”

“I have no intention of stopping my allowing the full self. You know I mean it, when I say this year I’m going to be selfish, I am putting myself and what makes me happy first.”

“I don’t doubt it.”

“This year is my year; personal or professional I am doing me this year. I hope you get to tap into your full self this year. You deserve to be happy.”

“I know, you too. I am getting there, its baby steps between here and reality. Everything is working out, just don’t forget you know how I feel even if in the physical he refuses to admit anything. I am working on getting that wall knocked down. One step at a time.”

“When you tell me you are telling the other girls no…”

“I am telling you to be honest with you, but more than that, to show you that I haven’t said no to you, to show you that I can’t let you go even if I can’t say it out there, I mean it. I can’t and won’t lose you.”

“That would be impossible. I already told you, I am always, always here for you. I wish I could give you everything you want to make you happy.”

“You do. But I just have to stop getting in my own way.”

“This is so bittersweet.”

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