.: Entry Sixty-One :.
My name is Elliot Parker. I think that I surprised him. Waiting for the typing to turn into a message felt like the longest wait on earth. What I got as a reply was traditionally him.
“Yeah course I’m gonna call ya. But your gonna fucking hate me now, I’m finally getting around to watching the new Potter movie.” Some things never change.
Sometimes it is what remains unsaid that I hear through the energy. I knew, I know that my message made him smile.
That’s the most beautiful thing in the world to me so nothing compares to the joy of just knowing that he smiled.
Nothing compares to the joy and the happiness. Especially in my new bed time routine. I have a little message that I say to myself each night and then I play a game. I list the great things, the things that I desire that I get to manifest and I go to sleep feeling that bit happier, that bit more at peace and excited and I don’t even notice when I fall asleep.
I got my day dreams back. I thought I had lost them but I brought back the day dreams and the being able to picture things. It’s like a special all naturally energy that is akin to the ecstasy of love. It’s a special kind of thing to be addicted to. Addicted to happiness, I never thought I would say that, I wouldn’t have thought it could be possible. Finding happiness and peace in stressful, crazy situations? Impossible. Or at least it should be but hell somehow I have cracked this thing where I can just let myself be in clarity in any situation. Clarity is the most amazing feeling. Freedom is a great feeling too and I have both.
It sort of feels like the fire has been put out before it has been lit. I don’t know if that makes sense at all, like in the craziest situations I’m observing the action unfolding from a further seat, like the reality slows down and my mind works faster and sharper. I just don’t quite know how to express it with other people. Like I know that I have stopped beating myself up about the past and the chains that held me down by some miracle have somehow fallen away. I enjoy that just not feeling frantic and confused. I’m no longer feeling like I am trying to play catch up or cross fast flowing rivers to get what I want.
I think more than anything taking those risks and not being concerned about the immediate pay off just seems like I have just taken control of my life and manifestations. The words I am a deliberate creator no longer feel like I am trying to convince myself that is what I am. It just feels like a knowing. Like the knowing that everything will always work out for me.
It feels like there is something kind of weightless when I walk. Like a quiet shadow? I don’t know. I am just finally coming to terms with it being ok to love myself. It doesn’t feel like an impossible mission.
Adrian responded with a degree of sincerity and he wanted to diffuse the tension he imagined there to be. I didn’t say it for agenda. I said it for me, it was my rampage and my complete honesty with how I felt. Whatever happens, being honest with myself and moving through life believing the best is what I want to do. He imagined the tension he felt, it was his pinching off from source energy, I know how that feels and I recognise that feeling. But I feel it less now.
I keep trying to find the words to describe what it feels like when you stop pinching off from yourself and just allow yourself. I mean I am consistently working with ease to improve my allowing my whole self to be wholly present in every moment. It’s not always easy, it’s not always natural, well its always natural to allow, but the pinching off is the unnatural thing that hurts. But habit can sometimes be a pinching off thing, a particular learned behaviour can sometimes be just as much trouble. Sometimes you just have to do what that song says and let it go.
I suppose that’s why I don’t worry so much about taking risks, because they aren’t risks but it is just the only word we really know for that kind of action. I am sure there are better words, and calculated risk sounds wrong, it is still a risk to the old me. But this time. It’s more a different way of allowing. A thought free one, instinctual. It comes from a place, an impulse that you can’t rationalise, I just wish I had a better way to put what I feel into words sometimes. I am sure it will come to me.
Just like I can feel it in my soul that there is no need to be concerned about the silence between Adrian and I since he took his flight. I selfishly wish he had stayed, but I know he is doing what he thinks he needs to do that will make him happy and I can’t blame or judge him for that. Hell, I am doing the exact same, just I am following my gut and following my passion. There is no way that I could ever stop following what I am passionate about. It just feels too good to just be happy in my own world in my own way. I get that he has set beliefs on what he needs to do, what he believes is responsible. I just gave up believing that being responsible will make me happy. I don’t need to hold myself accountable for anything that is beyond my control. The only thing in my control is how I respond and how I feel and I sure as hell will make sure that the aim is always reaching for that better feeling thought.