.: Entry Sixty-Four :.
My name is Elliot Parker and I don’t know how I feel right now.
You see, the brief conversations I have with Adrian are different, he is encouraging me to do things that make me happy. I suppose he has given up the fight of getting me to be very practical and just come to an acceptance that I am not a practical person. I want to be happy and put myself first and that is what I am doing. I suppose I just wish it would be easier to not feel so conflicted in my decision, I know that it is silly, to feel conflicted about putting happiness over practicality.
Time is flying by so fast. I can’t work out how or why it is speeding by so quickly.
I can’t help myself, I keep looking back at things, I keep trying to remember how I felt when I was younger, who I was. I keep trying to find a way to be ok with my more negative traits, to be ok with the darker side of me, the dangerous side. The part of me that wants to lash out and hit back at those that hurt me or try to control me. The part of me that wants to be defiant. The part of me that is unwilling to keep being put into a place that other people think I should be and should stay. The side of me that doesn’t want to be what people expect of me. Perhaps being dangerous is just a translation of me putting myself first. Perhaps being dangerous is feeling confident and self-assured and going for what I want. Perhaps being dangerous not feeling guilty about who I am, not feeling like I should be apologetic for what I want.
I am hungry for my life to be happy and fulfilled.
Honestly, I am struggling to decide what I want in my life. What I am willing to compromise, what I am willing to stand up for.
I suppose I feel reflective, life is so short and time is flying by and right now I feel like I don’t know what I am doing. I know what I want to do, who I want to be, I keep trying to believe that I can do it and believe that I can be that person, I just don’t know how to do both, how to be both the best of me and the best of the worst in me. How can I accept myself? When I want to do so much, so many different things, jack of all trades and master of none. What if I want to be the Jack of all trades who masters some, how do I do that? How do I split my time? How do I prioritize all that I want? What is best for me?
I know I keep trying to convince myself I am sure and certain and know what I want the most. I keep trying to convince myself everything will always work out for me. So much so it has started to become a belief.
That’s the thing, while you know and believe in more, in the law of attraction, but you are still having this human experience and all that comes with contrast. Sometimes the contrast is so vast that it is easy to get lost in confusion, that is what makes being decisive hard. I just have to hope that it will always work out.
I just want to sleep and dream for so long. I want to dream about being in the room, I want to see Adrian, however bittersweet. I even want to dream about the stowaway girl again. I like watching the dream grow and change and somehow ends up influenced by the world around me, the subconscious and conscious work hand in hand. I suppose my battle is more to do with wanting to live more in dreams than in reality. Reality just feels and seems to be so unimportant sometimes. I suppose that explains how I feel so calm about putting happiness first over practicality and what is expected of me. My disassociation to reality. My disassociation with myself. I don’t recognise myself in the mirror, I haven’t for years. I don’t recognise myself as a person. Sure I am stronger and more compassionate but I am also healthier. Now I am trying to accept the things I don’t like about myself, and make the best out of the worst of me. I am trying to accept the things in me I don’t like and find a way to like them so that they can’t control me. I don’t want to feel like the darker side of me can be exposed but that it is already exposed, there is nothing to hide and I want to be ok with who I am. I want to be stronger by accepting what would be called flaws or quirks and turn them into strengths. I don’t want to look at myself and see the monster within controlling me, the darker side of my personality. I want to look at myself and see it in a new way, a better way.
I want it to be ok for me to be selfish and not feel guilty about what I want or what I decide to do in my life. I want to be able to do the right thing for me first and then I can extend that to others, but until I can do that I will keep feeling this conflicted. I know that I am consistently fighting to be the best in me, and when I am with Adrian it is easier to be the best in me because I forget the worst because even though it is there it is not the weakness I think it is otherwise. He makes me better, iron sharpens iron and I hope I make him better too, I hope that we make each other better and stronger and healthier.