.: Entry Eighty-Nine :.
My name is Elliot Parker and I must admit I wonder if my moral compass might be broken at times.
So I think I mentioned I manifested myself that little old job that was just right and perfect for me. It still is, but here is where things get a bit difficult, I suppose. I developed a few friendships. One of which could have the potential to cause a few issues if we have a disagreement. The thing is it is possible because me being me, I am a reckless little thing and a bit of a risk taker. So I mentioned the friend last time I wrote here. The friend I talked about the idea of the perfect kiss with. I am sure you can guess; this friend is male. I’ve hung out and spent some time with the friend, we chitter chatter almost every day. We seem to get on well, he seems so far, to be a decent guy.
So I mentioned my moral compass, I only bring it up, because I spoke to Adrian yesterday. You see, he has offered to treat me to a couple of days away from things and go get pampered with him. Which is nice, I appreciate his appreciating the work I am doing for him in my free time. I suppose the moral compass comes into because I seem to have been the queen of no man’s land for so long that I wonder if I should find this trip idea strange. After all, when it comes to Adrian and I, hanging out is often something very physical, and to be honest, I kind of don’t want to venture down that physical path again at the moment. I am tired of being the queen of no man’s land when it comes to him, being friends is great, but I just don’t know if the trip would strictly be friends or any attempt at anything more and I should probably talk with him about it.
It’s difficult being in no man’s land. It’s difficult being physical with someone and not quite knowing the boundaries outside of that, like the unspoken type thing? Like yes I know I should be dating, and occasionally I do, I know that I shouldn’t be waiting on or for him. It took a little while to feel ready to move on and forward, it took a little while to feel like I could date someone with actual potential, someone I could genuinely get on with and not be concerned about waiting for someone to wake up and smell the bacon. So being stuck in no man’s land with someone who is a few thousand miles away and with someone I work with is probably giving me a bit of a headache.
So maybe this work friend isn’t just a friend but there’s not the boundary of the committed relationship again, hell when we first started chitchatting (as nothing more than friends) he had someone, they broke up and he was trying to get back with her. So it’s not like either of us set out with the intention of the physical aspect of the friendship. I just guess that without the talk and the boundaries being set or reassessed at any point soon I should just be taking each day as it comes.
Take each day as it comes- a phrase I shouldn’t find so annoying I just like knowing what I am doing and where I am going. It’s just who I am. But I think that is the only way I can take how things are going in no man’s land when it comes to Adrian or Dyl. It’s not like either one wants or has asked for some kind of commitment from me, until then, I am taking each day as it comes. I like them each for different reasons, but none of that really matters.
I wonder whether my friendship with Adrian has reached a point where it feels like its slowly approaching a fork in the road, it feels like, maybe sometime soon, maybe with the trip which may or may not happen (looking at past performance on follow through occasionally might give me a doubt or two)… that trip may well be the point where I have the option of recommitting to a second try or whether its time I set some boundaries for myself and how I feel and direct the friendship through the gates of the eternal friend-zone.
I suppose, none of it really matters, taking each day as it comes means I don’t need to be so concerned about the future and what’s coming and just enjoy the now. The now recently has been good feeling. Feeling good seems to create a bit of an orbit. I hold myself responsible for my own happiness and when I do that I can feel everything working out easily. I know Adrian pipes up more when I am happy. It is really weird. Being happy comes easily recently.
I just feel like everything is changing, I can feel that something amazing and wonderful is coming and I am lucky.
I think, Adrian is just about starting to realise that the passion he has for his career, I have for something in my life that is not yet profitable, but hopefully it will be very soon. Like he doesn’t need to push me to be a career woman because I do have a career, it’s just a case of me being aligned with it being a source of abundance.
I think, in contrast, Dyl just seems to be cool with my career goals. So I am not interested in making it fulltime and forever on my job and pursuing my own passion outside of work. I don’t think that is so bad. I keep being reminded to dream big, it’s nice.
I suppose it’s nice to know that people believe in me and what I do, in whatever way that its shown, my happiness seems to be important and not just to me.
The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q
Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q