.: Entry Ninety-Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker and recently I have been spending more time with Dyl. That hasn’t come without issues though. None of those issues come from Dyl.

I know I have been a bit more distant with Adrian. But with that distance comes issues of its own. He sent me a message the other day about going on that weekend away for a pampering and I realised I didn’t feel comfortable going if the expectation of me was for sex. I know I shouldn’t look at him, about the trip like that. But it brings about its own issues. So anyway I called him when he asked to try to sort out the date and such and he got a bit distracted that I was on my way out for dinner after work and wouldn’t be able to call him when I got back because of the time difference. I got a text a few minutes later after hanging up, that it sounded like I was going on a date. So it wasn’t really a date in the strictest terms, I was going to see Dyl yes, but it was an on the fly “hey wanna come over for dinner tonight, I’m ordering Chinese” and we ended up watching a movie and we fell asleep.

I do care about Adrian, I do want him to be happy, I don’t want to hurt him. I asked him flat out where I stood with him before and he just responded with “just do what makes you happy”. Way for stuff I say to him to bite me on the ass, he was being evasive. That’s fine, but if that is the attitude he wants to take when I am asking him where I stand then I suppose I have my answer rather than take a chance. I am all about taking chances and risks and going for what I want. So I suppose my frustration has always been palpable when I know what I want I just go for it and enjoy it.

Ok back to it, so Adrian had sent the message about being on a date and I said it was dinner out, but I have been asked on a date and that I wanted to talk to him properly. He sort-of got a little defensive, like seriously, the friends with benefits situation is what he bloody well wanted. Except now, I don’t want the benefits if you catch my drift. It put me in a mood because that conversation felt like a hornet’s nest had been kicked. I mean I haven’t exactly talked to or messaged him since, it’s been like three days, which given his recent consistent increased messages up until that day was a bit weird. So I did just send a message asking how he is doing and how his coursework is going. His response? That he will call tonight (late afternoon/early evening for me). I’m not sure I will actually get that call though. I’m not sure what I will say.

I kind of feel like giving up, because no matter what I know that it won’t matter in the long run because whatever is meant to be will come about and there is nothing I need to do.

My name is Elliot Parker and spending that time with Dyl feels good. It feels relaxed like I can be my goofy self and it’s ok. I don’t have to try to be perfect or try to fit into someone’s image of me. I like spending time with Dyl. We try to fit time with each other in, although, that being said, we normally fit it around food which is ok.

So yesterday I agreed to a date after work sometime in the next few days. I’m kind of nervous, sounds stupid because I already know we get on pretty good, and he does seem to be a lovely gentleman to me. But a date-date. Like I need to wear something sort of nice, it is after work I know, but I still gotta put on something cute after work, I need to find an outfit that will work.

Truth be told, I have been trying to work out how I feel more often now, trying to focus on positives and work on knowing with clarity how I feel because I love how clarity feels. So yes, I have started writing letters, there is six at the moment, I know I’ve dated them, I keep them in a shoe box, in that shoe box is me trying to work out how I feel or a message about something that has happened in relation to Dyl and it is my new way of figuring myself out. I am trying to navigate these new feelings, rather than talk them through with girlfriends, there is only one I talk to for advice reliantly. I suppose I just hope those letters aren’t found and read, especially not by Dyl, not right now at least, could you imagine the awkwardness that that would bring?

Mind you at this rate, if things keep going well, I might need another writing set. I just thought it would be a good thing to do, for myself. I suppose I want to increase the positive happy stuff that makes me happy. Dyl keeps joking about finding and reading my diary, little does he know, he probably will never read this, the awkward diary of trying to navigate my emotions. The awkwardness of me trying to figure out this deliberate creation stuff.

I can’t wait to see what I end up manifesting next, I am enjoying the working things out part of deciding what I want to do, I am enjoying choosing what I want. I know where I want to be, what I want my impossible dreams to be. I am ready for impossible dreams to come true. I like how it feels, I like how I feel as a deliberate creator, I just wonder how I got here sometimes.