.: Entry One-Hundred and Seven :.
My name is Elliot Parker. My heart is still broken.
The sense of loss is still overwhelming. Two weeks, my dog is gone, my childhood home, my childhood, my memories, my belongings, what little of the relationship I had with my mother. It’s all gone. I won’t get any of that back. The memories are all tainted with the poison of all the deception and lies. My mother might have been happy living with all those damn lies, every single one, she might have been fine with living, but I see it for what it was, what it is and it makes me feel sick.
All I want more than anything is my dog. I want him to know I love him that I never got that chance to say goodbye. There’s no body for my grief to get closure. There will never be closure where my mother is involved. Finding out all those lies, that is the closest I will ever come to any kind of closure. I am so far beyond things.
In those two weeks? The first two days Madam basically manipulated everything, told my nana I was yelling at her, that I threw stuff at her, that it was all my fault that I ruined her relationship. Everything ridiculous under the sun, even though I had told nana everything the moment it was over. She managed to get nana to blame me too. That hurt. Though I wouldn’t admit that to her. Instead I said she wouldn’t have had a problem in any of her relationships if she hadn’t lied so freaking much about every single damn thing.
How is it she can make everything my fault when all I did was discover the truth, all of it. Finding out the truth wasn’t free for me, I had to give him the answers to his questions. I had to stand in a room with her *vomit creeps up the back of the throat* husband. I wasn’t the one who lied to everyone for three years after getting married in secret. I wasn’t the one who rehomed JJ without my consent, let alone even telling me.
How the hell am I meant to be ok with this, why is it that my nana won’t accept the fact that her daughter destroyed everything her own damn self, told horrific lies, tried to scam out a new TV and yet I am the monster?
I will never forgive my mother’s actions. I will never accept them. I feel like I will never make peace with them. She takes any joy I have ever had and has single headedly destroyed it and then found some angle some way to blame me for it every way, every time since I can remember. How the hell is that fair?
How am I always the monster? How am I always the villain and her some poor defenceless victim?
When I had my CBT after the event I found one word that could accurately describe my mother, narcissist. The other word is delusional, but I think she knows what she is doing. She knows she is manipulating things to suit her.
CBT has helped but that hasn’t cured barely sleeping at all, my record sleep was maybe about 5 hours in one night, not solid, but it was still more sleep in one night than any of the other nights. Every day I wake up with that horrid pounding head you get after crying yourself to sleep and every day I am pulling the threads of myself together so people don’t know that I am only pretending to be ok. I am very much not ok.
But one thing I am proud of myself for over all of this, I haven’t resulted to my old coping mechanisms. I am still eating, I haven’t been harming myself, I haven’t had a drink. I am sober in all my vices. I am clinging onto my life, on to any stability by the finest of threads.
I don’t think I would be this sort of stable if it wasn’t for that wonderfully abundant influence in my life, the biggest source of joy, Dyl. So far I think I have only broken down properly in front of him over the two weeks twice at most. It’s not that I am hiding how I feel from him, but that I want some to keep things joyful to a degree, I know he knows I am really struggling. But he is still very much being there for me. I know I couldn’t be luckier than to have him by my side.
I broke down a few nights ago, I was afraid I would lose him to like I lost everything else. He reassured me the opposite. But I suppose I hadn’t realised just how this pain was seeping into my thoughts. I know my relationship with Dyl is secure. I know it is safe, and yet with losing all those ropes I was afraid I’d lose him too. It makes sense in some logic. I know I won’t.
I just wish I could get free of this feeling of holding myself together using something like dental floss. Because I can do it. I can survive. I can get back to knowing happiness again. I don’t have to be in this trapped prison of still feeling caged because I am free and I know I am free and I am trying so hard to look forward to life. Look forward to the future that I am building with Dyl. I know it’s stupid, and I know I said it and I mean it that my mother will never be there for anything else in my life and I know that is my choice. But every girl wants their mother at their one-day wedding. I can’t even trust my mother enough to tell me if the sky is blue without checking there is no way I would risk anything remotely important near her no matter what.