.: Entry Ninety- Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker and the room around me feels distorted. It is familiar as I begin to try to piece together where I am. It’s the room that changes, the one with the books. Except it is darker than I remember. There is no light. The books appear in and out of focus, but I can feel I am not alone here. There is a prickling sensation at the back of my neck, it no longer feels like the safe soft dream I remembered.

“I haven’t seen you in a while” his voice is just as distorted as the room. I would recognise it anywhere. Adrian. I turn to where his voice had come from but there is no one there.

“It’s been weird, hard to talk to you lately.” I choke on my words knowing how insufficient I sound.

“What do you expect?” He sounds cold for a moment before he speaks again, “you gave up on me.”

“It’s not like that.” I try to defend myself. “Ok, maybe it is, but you didn’t change like you promised. You didn’t exactly fight for me did you?”

“What if I did now? Would it make a difference?” Finally, I see him take his form in the room. The books stay absent now. Its bare shelves and just us in the room.

“Not really. It’s too little too late. How many chances did I give you?”

“Too many.” The silence hangs in the room for a while. “I miss you.”

“You too, you’ve been drinking again.” I say, I my voice feels cold now, almost disapproving.

“Yeah.”

“I’m not even surprised. Clover is still going to bat for you. She refuses to act like it’s a good thing I moved on. I wouldn’t take it as a testament to who you are, it’s selfish on her part.”

“Oh, cos of her obsession?”

“Pretty much. It sucks, it doesn’t change one thing though. You have been such an important part of my life, I just wish there was a way for you to understand just how much you have meant to me.”

“I know how you felt, I just took advantage and expected you to put your life on hold for me, wait around for ever.”

“To have your cake and eat it?” I remember the echo of the words I hear from a memory of Clover’s own words.

“Something like that, I never thought I would lose you.”

“You didn’t, I will always be your friend, but as for anything else, I think our time for that has passed.”

“I know. You are happy though? He makes you happy?”

“Very. Are you happy?”

“Remember what I said? Happiness is over rated. I’ll be fine.”

“Maybe one day we could have this conversation in the real world, I think our friendship isn’t exactly thriving is it?”

“It’s too soon.”

“You are the one who told me that we weren’t ever going to get back together, that we wouldn’t work out, you told me I should date people.”

“I didn’t mean it. I never thought you would actually date someone or move on.”

“You didn’t think it through did you?”

“Nope.” The book shelves begin to disappear, the room is becoming empty, like it is slowly being dismantled.

“The room? Is this the last time we will be here? It looks like it is falling apart.”

“That is because I am. I don’t know if we will ever be here again. But I am sure you can find some other way to entertain yourself in your dreams. You don’t need me anymore.”

I want to walk away, to leave the room but I am rooted to the spot, like I am held by some strange magnet and I can’t leave. “Really? You want to end this by trying to make me defensive? You want to end this dream by trying to start a fight? Come on you are better than that?”

“Am I? I am trying to keep our friendship going in the real world, but it feels like you aren’t interested.”

“You send me memes once every other week, your responses are dry, you never ask how I am doing, you never want to know what I have been up to. But you do like to go on about how much you’ve drunk, how messed up drunk you and your mates got, how you want to move out, how you feel about your job, about you wanting to go on another party holiday and get wrecked again. You aren’t interested in a friendship with me, you just want the emotional support you always got out of me, it feels like you expect more from me now that we are not having sex or hanging out. You’re still wanting me to behave like I did when we were together sometimes and now it is simply not appropriate.”

“Because of your new boyfriend.”

“Exactly why. I am in a relationship and I really care about him.”

“Do you love him?”

“Is that any of your business?”

“Just answer”

“Yes.”

“Like you loved me?”

“It’s different, he makes me feel different.”

“How?”

“He makes me happy, he shows me he cares, he makes an effort to try to make me smile or laugh anytime I don’t feel myself or happy. He wants me to be happy, and I want him to be happy. We work together in a way that you and I didn’t. He is a real team mate, when I think about him the world is brighter from the inside, like it’s a radiant kind of feeling.”

“I didn’t make you happy?”

“Not like this. You are very different people, I feel accepted for who I am with him, the good the bad and the hellish. I don’t feel like I have to try to keep being a better version of myself because with him I already feel like I am the best version of myself, and I feel loved for it.”

 

.: Entry Ninety-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

There have been quite a few, too many to name, mornings in my life where I have woken up in my life and wondered what the hell I was doing. It’s not the first time I have ever had that feeling when I wake up with the horrific realisation that this is definitely not what I had pictured my life would be like. It’s happened a lot probably due to me repressing large chunks of time and playing instant catch up to where I am now. But this morning I woke up, there wasn’t any displeasure in my morning thoughts about where I am in my life, but that is mainly because I am happy.

For a large portion of my life, I feel happy and relaxed. So this time should be filled so much with uncertainty, usually I would be majorly panicking. But since I have spent this time with Dyl that hasn’t happened. I am waiting to see if my contract will be made permanent. I would really like my contract to be made permanent I like working there, I like my colleagues and the friends I am making. But most of all, I like bumping into Dyl at work and occasionally being able to steal a kiss. I know, not very professional. But I do like it there. I like working there, I like the fun and the friendly environment.

So while I got rejected for a job that I didn’t want in a place that I didn’t want to work, that I only applied to as a back-up option, I can’t exactly say I feel bad. Not disappointed, just a bit average about it, I didn’t like the impression I got from them. We didn’t click energy wise and that is ok. I really like where I work now and I want to stay there, we click and get along. That is where I feel happiest. Being somewhere fun and enjoyable, even with the odd bad day, I still like working there, I don’t dread going to work. Sometimes I might feel a bit lazy about the notion and idea of going to work but that is ok.

I really enjoy working in a place where I can be positive. I enjoy working in a place where I feel like for the short time I am working there is an easy job that I get to enjoy. I get to meet new people and develop familiar interactions focused around positivity with regular, frequent people that are around me.

There is more to this good feeling than just where I work, because when I wake up in the morning I can lay there and just smile. I have to admit, that the first thought when I wake up has, for a short while, been Dyl. We have been getting along, we have a lovely steady relationship going. The dating phase passed and we have become “official” and it’s been almost a month and it just feels like yesterday. But more than that, it feels like even though it’s been a short time, its flown by because it has been so enjoyable. It has been a really happy positively focused time.

I have enjoyed spending the time with him, but it feels like we have been together a lot longer than we have because we have clicked into place with each other. It just feels right and natural, the old me would have freaked out and wanted to run away more than once by now.

Sure I never intended to develop feelings for Dyl, that was never my plan, but he has repeatedly surprised me. We are stable together, his crazy compliments my crazy.

I think when I interact with him, when I do send him a message I want him to look at it and smile, I want him to feel good, I want him to know that he is appreciated for being himself. I want him to feel good yes, just like I want to feel good but I am not holding myself accountable for his happiness and he is not being held accountable for mine. Though yes he does make me happy, it’s like the super bonus kind of happy. Like the icing on the cake of happy. It makes things better. I don’t want him to feel like I am dependant on him to make me happy, I want him to feel like, yes she is there for me, yes she makes me happy. I want us both to just enjoy this time together, the way that just knowing the other exists makes us happy. I can’t help but smile when I think about him, which can be a little inconvenient… believe me.

I think in all those mornings when I woke up wondering what the hell I was doing with my life I never expected it to lead to here, to now. I feel like the future looks optimistic just by how we like to encourage one another. I damn lucky I think, because we want to be supportive of one another. The future is something we are wanting to co-create together. Sure he doesn’t know about the whole deliberate creation thing, I think that he thinks it as happy coincidences but, luckily he is a very positive person so it just seems to create this positive glow of wonderfulness around him. That or it is the rose tinted glow of love…

Tomorrow I want to wake up and make another list of all the other great things in my life, all of the great things I am experiencing and looking forward to experiencing. I want to make that same list before I go to sleep tonight, a list of all of the things I am grateful for in the day.

I want to keep redefining that “successful” feeling, because I am sure that it is more than just what I can achieve in a day, it could very well be what I feel in a day.

.: Entry Ninety-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker, last time I wrote, I had a boyfriend, a wonderful shiney new relationship. That hasn’t changed, except now, things are different. We have been spending a lot of time together, as much as we can grab to be around each other, whether that means meeting up after work for dinner or sleeping round his home. That all sounds great doesn’t it, and it would be perfect with a bit more support from my friends and family. I’m not saying they disapprove; I am saying that it’s a bit weird. Clover still isn’t very on board. My gran is well, she is a bit difficult about it, very cantankerous… it was a bit of a challenge getting her to meet up with him, she now says she thinks he’s alright but she holds reservations about the entire male population anyway. My dad, well, we recently got back in contact so I think things are weird there anyway, but not as weird as with my mum who I can’t tell about my dad because she will go psycho and start causing troubles. So it’s not like I am going to introduce psycho-mum to Dyl. I like being happy and that is how I want to stay. That simple really. That being said Hal seems supportive of the new relationship. That’s the thing with Hal and I, we genuinely want each other to be happy and like supporting each other as we progress and move forward with our lives.

Speaking of moving forward, Dyl and I miss each other a lot, so we have had a few talks, and there is the possibility that next year, he and I will move in together if finances allow. Which currently has been the thing holding us back. I mean, if we won the lottery tomorrow we would probably find a way or a place to live together as soon as humanly possible. I know it sounds very quick to even consider. But I feel sure about him, and I sure as hell hope I win the lottery tomorrow. I mean, without jumping the gun, I can see a very long term future with him.

I know this sounds harsh, because I am about to do a comparison. When I was with Adrian I felt insecure a lot of the time because I always had the fear of being the “for now” girl and the relationship not being a forever which I think should have been the biggest clue in hindsight that it was a for now situation. I think my insecurity over being “for now” and being told that I wouldn’t ever hear him speak the words “I love you” to me, and according to him, no one ever would, it was a hard way to live in a relationship. That amount of uncertainty isn’t good, and there was uncertainty that began right when we first got together, there was no idea whether there was a future together let alone what that might look like because as far as I knew the only thing he ever really thought about in the future was his work and that should have been a very big clue to where I stood and just how easily replaceable I would be… by his job. Harsh, but true.

With Dyl, it’s not like that at all, I don’t feel insecure and when I need a little reassurance he gives it to me rather than leaving me not knowing where I stand. He tells me what he pictures for us and reminds me that he does without me needing to ask for it, it feels good. I don’t feel like a for now girl, I don’t feel like a stop gap or something to pass the time. I feel like this is a secure and forever future kind of situation which is exactly what I wanted. I wanted to know where I stand and what the future can hold and I do and it looks like such a wonderful picture. I want to be with him. I didn’t realise what my ideal guy was until I met him and got to know him and saw how we clicked. From my eyes he is the other half of me, not an opposite trying to find a way to work, but instead a partnering and continuation of the same piece of soul and that feels great, it feels great to just know that that is how I feel. I love this certainty.

I mentioned what Adrian said about how he would never say those three words to anyone. Here is a kicker, it’s kind of messed up my ability to say it myself. There has been a bit of a problem on my part, I can’t get those three words out. I feel them, I really feel them with Dyl and I want to say it, it is on the tip of my tongue but I just can’t get it out. No matter how hard I try. I love Dyl, I do, but I am fighting myself every time I see him because I want to tell him so bad and part of me is getting in the way and its messing me up. I am ready to say it, I am not uncertain in anyway how I feel about Dyl, I just can’t get the damn words out enough to be able to say it to him. it is so hard. I know that sounds stupid right? Why is it hard? Well because I ended up becoming afraid of those words. Like if I say them will it mess things up, will I feel that level rejected all over again even if it wasn’t really a rejection it was just a bit harsh and blunt. I know that feeling will fade, I know I will stop fighting myself because at the end of the day how I feel about Dyl hasn’t changed or lessened, if anything I feel it more and more, and I feel it burning inside of me when we are together, it’s the brightest feeling, the most amazing sensation to just know that you love someone completely from the higher part of yourself in the most whole part of yourself in a way that just feels so very radiant through the best and worst of yourself, if that makes sense. I hope it makes sense. It’s hard to put it into words, I just know I am not afraid to love Dyl. That feels good, to not be afraid to love.