.: Entry Eighty-Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker and I must admit I wonder if my moral compass might be broken at times.

So I think I mentioned I manifested myself that little old job that was just right and perfect for me. It still is, but here is where things get a bit difficult, I suppose. I developed a few friendships. One of which could have the potential to cause a few issues if we have a disagreement. The thing is it is possible because me being me, I am a reckless little thing and a bit of a risk taker. So I mentioned the friend last time I wrote here. The friend I talked about the idea of the perfect kiss with. I am sure you can guess; this friend is male. I’ve hung out and spent some time with the friend, we chitter chatter almost every day. We seem to get on well, he seems so far, to be a decent guy.

So I mentioned my moral compass, I only bring it up, because I spoke to Adrian yesterday. You see, he has offered to treat me to a couple of days away from things and go get pampered with him. Which is nice, I appreciate his appreciating the work I am doing for him in my free time. I suppose the moral compass comes into because I seem to have been the queen of no man’s land for so long that I wonder if I should find this trip idea strange. After all, when it comes to Adrian and I, hanging out is often something very physical, and to be honest, I kind of don’t want to venture down that physical path again at the moment. I am tired of being the queen of no man’s land when it comes to him, being friends is great, but I just don’t know if the trip would strictly be friends or any attempt at anything more and I should probably talk with him about it.

It’s difficult being in no man’s land. It’s difficult being physical with someone and not quite knowing the boundaries outside of that, like the unspoken type thing? Like yes I know I should be dating, and occasionally I do, I know that I shouldn’t be waiting on or for him. It took a little while to feel ready to move on and forward, it took a little while to feel like I could date someone with actual potential, someone I could genuinely get on with and not be concerned about waiting for someone to wake up and smell the bacon. So being stuck in no man’s land with someone who is a few thousand miles away and with someone I work with is probably giving me a bit of a headache.

So maybe this work friend isn’t just a friend but there’s not the boundary of the committed relationship again, hell when we first started chitchatting (as nothing more than friends) he had someone, they broke up and he was trying to get back with her. So it’s not like either of us set out with the intention of the physical aspect of the friendship. I just guess that without the talk and the boundaries being set or reassessed at any point soon I should just be taking each day as it comes.

Take each day as it comes- a phrase I shouldn’t find so annoying I just like knowing what I am doing and where I am going. It’s just who I am. But I think that is the only way I can take how things are going in no man’s land when it comes to Adrian or Dyl. It’s not like either one wants or has asked for some kind of commitment from me, until then, I am taking each day as it comes. I like them each for different reasons, but none of that really matters.

I wonder whether my friendship with Adrian has reached a point where it feels like its slowly approaching a fork in the road, it feels like, maybe sometime soon, maybe with the trip which may or may not happen (looking at past performance on follow through occasionally might give me a doubt or two)… that trip may well be the point where I have the option of recommitting to a second try or whether its time I set some boundaries for myself and how I feel and direct the friendship through the gates of the eternal friend-zone.

I suppose, none of it really matters, taking each day as it comes means I don’t need to be so concerned about the future and what’s coming and just enjoy the now. The now recently has been good feeling. Feeling good seems to create a bit of an orbit. I hold myself responsible for my own happiness and when I do that I can feel everything working out easily. I know Adrian pipes up more when I am happy. It is really weird. Being happy comes easily recently.

I just feel like everything is changing, I can feel that something amazing and wonderful is coming and I am lucky.

I think, Adrian is just about starting to realise that the passion he has for his career, I have for something in my life that is not yet profitable, but hopefully it will be very soon. Like he doesn’t need to push me to be a career woman because I do have a career, it’s just a case of me being aligned with it being a source of abundance.

I think, in contrast, Dyl just seems to be cool with my career goals. So I am not interested in making it fulltime and forever on my job and pursuing my own passion outside of work. I don’t think that is so bad. I keep being reminded to dream big, it’s nice.

I suppose it’s nice to know that people believe in me and what I do, in whatever way that its shown, my happiness seems to be important and not just to me.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11^th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

.: Entry Eighty-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker and I had a rather interesting conversation really. You know when you sort of get all philosophical and “what am I doing with my life” kind of feelings and you wind up having a deep and meaningful conversation.

I mean it started when I starting thinking about how Clover is sort of boy focused 100% that is all that seems to occupy her day mainly, or that is how she makes it seem. It was like one of those thoughts, we all have our obsessions, dreams of what we want in our future. A lot of that has to do with passions, and I suppose I have a passion, a few talents and gifts but my obsession is surely the passion but even then it doesn’t occupy my whole life in its entirety, at least not consciously. I suppose my reading material or what I watch is more in tune with my passion/obsession and there is something I look for in my down time. But even then, it doesn’t feel all-consuming all the time. Like it is ok to think of other stuff, and I suppose I see the struggle Clover has with thinking of other stuff and consistently implementing the changes that she is always saying she wants to make in her life. But my friend made a very valid observation “the heart wants what it wants”. That phrase has been hard to ignore and not think about aside from our conversation.

“The heart wants what it wants” sure that is great and all but what if you don’t know what your heart wants. What if every breath you take you feel different, what if you are in your passions or talents or things you are good at and you just feel different each time because you feel like you are constantly changing and evolving, for the better but still evolving and what you want evolves and changes as you grow. I suppose that is what they mean when they say about being on the leading edge of existence? Maybe I finally reached there and just live happy in a moment regardless of what is manifesting knowing that any remotely negative feeling won’t and can’t last, not really when the wellbeing and joy we have access to is so abundant?

Anyway somehow the conversation became a discussion over fantasy and what happens when you live in a moment. I started to think, like in a story or show or whatever sometimes you just see or read a kiss that seems entirely perfect and sure you want to try it but actually doing it is different because recreating fantasy doesn’t always translate well to reality because you start to over think. They said “life isn’t perfect it is about making and enjoying the most of the imperfections” that really resonated with me. So I asked what their idea of a perfect kiss, and I don’t know what I expected the answer to be but it surprised me. At first there was the reaction of “I don’t know” until it was given a moment of thought and the result was so eloquent. “A passionate one I guess, that comes from her when she is just in love and lust with me and I can feel her feelings through her soft lips, but glue like strength that just comes from her like she never wants that moment to end wherever we are in the world.” I just thought, wow, I had never expected that to be an answer I suppose I expected a scene or scenario or something like that but no, this was an emotionally based response that just catches you in the feels and makes you think, “wow that’s kinda right,” the most perfect comes from knowing how you can just feel that person needs and wants you in their life and for them this moment is just as perfect.

I couldn’t help but remember Adrian and I’s first kiss, it was one of those sort of perfect ones. Where you just needed that kiss and that proximity, and I know I will get that kiss again, that feeling that it is the most perfect thing right in that moment. I guess it’s weird, but I think after hearing the answer I was giving it made that first kiss pale slightly, not because it wasn’t perfect at the time, but that I think now I am a different person and I wondered if I would find the kiss to be just what I needed right now. I get how time changes you, but I know I would probably just be as playful as I am. I know I might possibly be a little bit of an advocate of the kisses that surprise you mid-sentence when you are caught completely off guard, whether or not you initiated it and you forget what you were saying or thinking and the world just dissolves and you might even forget about breathing.

I think a first kiss puts you in a bit of a bubble, but I wonder how many first kisses we forget… like sure we remember the feeling of, but picturing it can be harder. A soft little peck or a full blown kiss, what is it we are more likely to forget. I mean it can be easy to forget some things, but how someone can make you feel is different. You either feel safe with someone or you don’t.

I suppose I am just ready to settle down a bit, even though I am still following dreams like they are the only thing I breath. I still kind of want to settle down a bit, build a few roots while I am pursuing the future.

Looks like learning to love myself is going well huh? I am slowly deciding what it is I want in my life again, for what feels like the millionth time, I am just trying to feel more consistently like an energy match to my desires. Wherever that leads.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11^th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

.: Entry Eighty-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker; I am ready to start loving myself. I am ready to be ok with being this awesome version of myself. If I am honest, I am wanting to rampage a little, to just bask in the feeling of becoming a happier, brighter, stronger person. I am ready to just enjoy me. A little self-love isn’t a bad thing. A little self-care isn’t a bad thing. Some girls go get their nails and hair done. Some find a way to accept themselves as they are. There are so many ways to love yourself from what you eat to what you wear.

Sometimes, for me it just takes a song to start the process, to start that feeling where your body just feels alive. Where you can just feel yourself raising your energy, just being consumed with something that speaks to your soul. When there is so much that you want to be. When there is this image in your head of who you want to be.

So who do I secretly want to be? The girl that gets what she wants. Unlimited. I want to be unlimited entirely. I want to be that girl who breaks the chains that bind her to where she is and just soar. I want to defy the gravity around me. I want to join the birds and be able to just ride the winds. Like that feeling sat in a park, when the sun is starting to set and the birds are flying through the air and you just have to sit and watch them. Just look upon the freedom they have and loose jealousy and let it turn into this complete admiration. Let that admiration turn to freedom. I want the freedom, I have the freedom, I can choose it at every chance and instead I am realise I had been choosing the chains.

I am free, I am so close to soaring, I can almost taste it. I can taste the chill of the air. I can feel the flooding in my lungs of the air I breath being that bit brighter and cooler and lighter and just pulling me up to be this other part of myself. I release my resistance to enjoying the truth of my new games that I am loving myself when I give myself the praise I crave. I need no longer rely on others opinions of me I am whole as I am.

Another of my little self-love training games, is as I am walking about my day, as I am doing something I begin to think and play a game. Top to toe I list every part of my body and praise its traits, like for example, my hair is awesome, I love how strong and supple it is, I love how it curls on its own, I love how easy it is to look after, I love how sexy and playful it is… that game goes on, and if I am interrupted I pick up where I left off. I am really enjoying this new game. It’s a great, fun game. I am going to add a new game very soon; all the things I love about myself in the non-physical orientation. A little self-love is going a long, long way. I feel like I am doing better at loving myself than I have ever before. I am applying my lessons and games; I am applying my knowledge bit by bit. Sound silly I know, sounds simple, like child’s play, but I think we forget a lot as we become adults. I think as adults we can sometimes forget that being happy is important.

Being an adult is just one of those things that we wished time away for and now we know what being an adult is like we want to go back, I suppose it’s how we forget its ok to have fun and happiness in the now. Like being able to have fun and be silly and be happy is wrong because as an adult all these expectations are placed on our shoulders and we don’t know how to balance fun with this professional life we are meant to have. The lives that we are told that we want. The existences we are told we should be striving for; power we should be striving to gain.

I call bullshit. The only thing we need to do is be able to still allow happiness in our lives in small insignificant moments without this voice in our heads demanding complete professionalism. Professionalism, the bane of adult existence, it is not a thing we are born knowing, it is something that we are taught to be, appropriate. Our behaviour is measured to be appropriate from a small age, so that we can conform and walk a well-trodden path. That is something strange, those that carve themselves a new path are called trail blazers for a reason. Made special or unattainable, made right or wrong by consensus. But those making the consensus don’t always want to acknowledge they could be pursuing their truth without looking back, without being afraid of the consequences of being different. It astounds me sometimes how many people choose misery. When choosing bliss and happiness is just as simple. It is just changing one thought for a better feeling thought and chasing the path of what feels good.

I’m not saying go on a killing spree because it feels good. I am saying choosing a good feeling thought that makes you feel better and going on from there just keep choosing that good feeling.

It sounds so simple? Because it is. It takes some practice, but practicing is fun. Practicing needn’t be work.

I suppose with my new games; I am hoping this self-love relationship with myself is going to work out right. I will be free from self-sabotage because I won’t doubt that I am worthy or good enough. I am good enough. I can do anything because…

My name is Elliot Parker and I am a deliberate creator and I am always getting better!

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11^th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q