.: Entry Twenty-Four :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Clover has stabbed me in the back again.

Well I know I mentioned that I decided after I found out she had chosen to see how it plays out with the poster child rather than fix the friendship that I was done. I still am. I unfriended her. When she found out she started posting on social media saying I used her for rides in her car. Like seriously, that is pathetic, considering if she did ever go out of her way for me I brought her something where we were or I brought her dinner or lunch or food in general. But you know, I am the bad guy right?

Well that’s not the only place she started to post about me, she posted again on another platform. Apparently she is not a nasty girl, but I am not a true friend, because I walked away from the situation. There is only so long that you can stick around while your friend refuses to listen to reason she knows is right. To advice. To logic and experience. She chose to keep choosing to stay in that toxic situation. She chose to keep being a victim of the damage to her self-esteem. I tried to shock her to reason. Didn’t work obviously. And yet who is the one who gets attacked while she still plays the victim? Who is the one who gets blamed for her mistakes time and time again. Because sure it’s my fault that years ago she couldn’t make up her mind what brother she wanted and when it all blew up who got blamed for it? Me. She did the same thing then on social media.

Well once is a mistake, twice well…

This time it’s not only the public route she has taken, which so far I have avoided. She sent a message to my ex. MY EX of all people. At the moment I am at the point where revenge just seems a bit insufficient. Too public and too messy.

She has been the one to shoot herself in the foot. She has chosen to stab me in the back, again. Blame me for her choices.

Here is something interesting that I realised though. In her messaging my ex I feel like I want to keep away from him rather than keep the friendship. Like she poisons everything she touches.

I don’t think it’s that though. Its more that she is being snide for attention, playing the victim.

I don’t think that friendship could ever or will ever recover.

That is sad. Like really sad.

My name is Elliot Parker. I want a happy life. I am not running after or chasing what I want. What I want is coming to me, there is nothing I have to do to make it happen.

I want to start a new thing in my life. I want to start pursuing happiness in a different way, yes it will come to me, but no I will not chase it. I need a new schedule to my day, a new pattern.

There are times when life can feel overwhelming or it can feel like the most amazing moment to be absorbed in.

See when I started writing this I felt so angry, then I felt sorry, then I felt understanding. She has lost her friend through a bad choice and she has to lash out to get a new source of attention.

When I started writing this, I felt too angry to understand it. Then I reached for the better feeling thought, revenge, though I didn’t act on it. Revenge is the better feeling thought, anger feels powerless but revenge feels powerful. What feels better than revenge? Accepting that this has happened. What feels better than that? Knowing that there is nothing I have to do to fix it, it is not my vibrational mess to fix. I cannot fix someone else or their vibration. The only vibration I can control is mine. It feels good to know that my vibration is under my control. I do not have to alter my vibration to make someone else better by lowering my energy. It feels good to know that my vibration is my own and connected with the larger part of me. It feels good to know that my vibration can raise through the relief of finding the better feeling thoughts and feeling my way better.

Things will work out for me the more I release the resistance I am holding.

I am responding to the world around me by instinct. That feels good, my intuition tells me I am always on my path, I can never be off my path. My intuition is a message, a vibrational interpretation that tells me that I am allowing what I want.

I am feeling better now. Better than I did a few hours ago. I am accepting the relief that comes from walking away from how things were. Accepting how they are. Accepting that I am coming into a new vibrational alignment with a new part of my life. I am coming into a new vibrational alignment; I am on the leading edge of something amazing. I no longer want to keep my hand on the stove of pain. I am ready to allow the knowledge of being a deliberate creator.

I am ready to have another dream; I am ready to go back to the room with the books. I am excited to return to the room, it no longer feels tainted and violated by its being used by another deliberate creator. I will meet whoever this other deliberate creator is soon. I am excited to meet that person and see who else has joined me on the leading edge.

My name is Elliot Parker. I want to give up the phrase “I hope” as in “I hope tomorrow is going to be a better day.” I want to replace that phrase with “I know” as in “I know tomorrow is a better day.”

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Twenty-Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

It’s been roughly a week since I lost my best friend. Oddly, I have found more peace and productivity than I thought I would have.

I have found that the respite of not having to hear someone go on about such a negative energy so often for so long has helped me feel peace. Without having to be constantly accessible for someone to complain and endure the energy drain of constantly trying to make someone feel better.

Well that’s the thing while I have had this peace it seems someone else is suffering the Clover that I know. A mutual friend of ours, Naomi sent me a message a few days after the rift formed. She said that Clover was driving her mad. Naomi had some pretty serious stuff going on with her lately, a break up being a large portion of the stress, Naomi just wanted to talk for a few minutes about things going on with her. What did Clover do? Repeatedly change the topic to one of the boys talking to her. I couldn’t help but feel for her, she wasn’t used to it on that scale. That and the social media overload of “happy” status’.

Apparently the reality doesn’t match that, it is over compensating. Or so I keep being informed.

She told another mutual friend that she had decided to see how things play out with that poster child boy. Well, that’s her choice. She has chosen to pursue him (and a few other boys but they have nothing to do with this) rather than try to mend the friendship. So, I had to make a decision. I have decided that given her choice to make no efforts to mend the friendship and hedge her bets on boys that no matter what the outcome of her relationship the friendship is over. Completely. No reconciliation. That’s it, done.

Unfriended for life.

My name is Elliot Parker; I have decided to pursue my happiness without feeling guilty. After all, guilt is a debt that has already been paid.

Another thing I have neglected to mention recently; well, ok so you know I recently admitted I have feelings for Jonas, after a few months of being in denial, now I am less in denial. I hadn’t spoken to him in a couple of weeks, mainly because he has a lack of wifi and is working ridiculous hours at the moment. (Yes I am getting to the point, I swear.)

So yesterday I went out for a drink with a friend who kept telling me I had feelings for Jonas during my giant denial phase, so chatting away filling him in with all the Clover drama and all the fun stuff. So he was asking me about Jonas trying to get a measure of my feelings, well it was interesting. He seems to consider himself some kind of scientist on the matter. He decided to test my pupil response to a few names. He started with Clover, not much response. My ex, a small response, according to him I must have some feelings for him still. Jonas’ name, apparently the difference was “significant” but he could have been pulling my leg. I found it mildly interesting and funny.  So yes, my friend decided to test me, and according to him I really like Jonas. I just hope I don’t lose this friend to Clover, we’ve been friends for so long, so I call dibs. But that is not the point.

But funnily enough, after I got home I received a message from Jonas. After so long of quiet it is safe to say, I was very excited. Can you blame me? He has been working so hard, but the bit that got me giddy was that he missed chatting with me. That and the “xxx” at the end. Silly huh? But the thing is, it felt like a great manifestation. That it is ok to talk openly about things that I want or want to consider. Sometimes, I forget that I am a deliberate creator. Sometimes I forget I am in control of my universe and what I bring attention to, what it is I want in my life.

So I manifested Jonas’ message last night.

I manifested the now permanent rift with Clover. I wanted peace and quiet and less boy drama in my life. And now I am able to relax and not feel like I am compromising my happiness constantly by trying to make someone else feel better about themselves because they don’t understand that they are attracting it. I am ready to attract healthy friendships. I am ready to attract a healthy relationship. I am ready to attract all that I want, and achieve all that I want. It is going to be fun, free and easy.

Everything is always working out for me.

My name is Elliot Parker. I have invested in some more books to read- so I will be insanely happy. I have discovered a new series to watch, which it turns out was originally a book, so of course logic states that I should get the books, read the books and be super happy I have the books. My to-read list seems to keep growing.

I feel like right now a short rampage is in order.

Everything is always working out for me. There is a fountain of abundance in my life and I am riding the waves of knowing. I know that all that I want and need and desire is coming to me. I know that I am a deliberate creator. I know there is magic in this world. I know there is magic in dreams. I know that nothing is impossible. I know that it is good to be happy and put happiness first. I know that it is good to make yourself happy by following an impulse that feels good. I love knowing that there is always a better feeling thought in reach.

I know that everything will work out.

Regardless of the rift I know that eventually Clover will sort herself out and have a happy life, if she lets herself.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Twenty- Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I just had a huge fight with Clover. Well less a fight more a giant messy parting.

So I know I haven’t really mentioned this, before, not in depth, but there are somethings that you simply don’t want to hold attention to. Clover in all of this mess and obsession with her ex has been talking to someone that I have nicknamed the poster child for domestic violence (I’ll probably just shorten that here to the poster child). It’s not nice, but he earned it. He is very volatile as a person.

You see, for months now Clover has told me about the conversations she has with him. He gets nasty and mean a lot. Fights with her a lot. Sends the boys on her social media abusive messages and tells her to delete them. He is possessive and rude and starts fights over nothing. He calls her rude names and puts her down and the things she loves.

So as you can imagine I have a low opinion of poster child.

So at the start of the other week I was in a really great mood, I had been out to a concert with my brother and it was great. The next day, I called Clover to check in and see how she was doing. Well I got to talk for a few minutes about the great mood and awesome concert before she took over and started talking about boys.

She started to talk about the week she had had, she had felt off and down most of the week and the day she started to feel better the poster child brought her right down by getting nasty with her. So of course I asked the question. “Why are you putting up with it?”

She ignored the question and kept talking about him, she made excuses, like “he is stressed”, “he has problems”, “it’s not his fault it was how he grew up”. Well that didn’t help really did it? Because I repeated the question, she said, “I like him, sometimes he is so sweet and nice as pie. When he is nice I start to think that things will get better and that we might stand a chance, I think about saying yes to a date with him. Then he turns nasty and I think maybe not.”

My response was simple, that is abusive. Again she makes an excuse.

It got worse after that, so much worse.

So that is when I warned her that friends and family will start walking away if she continues to keep choosing the abuse over being happy, being healthy. Her response was that no one else really knows. That put me in the middle of a big choice. To placate her and make her feel better as usual and have my advice ignored, which I knew was what she wanted and had expected. Or I could stand up for what I hoped was the right thing. Not just for Clover but for her daughter. To walk away from an abusive person who actively hurt her on a regular basis.

So there I was stuck between the rock and the hard place doing what was right and doing what was asked of me, expected of me.

So that’s when I said she can start choosing between her family and friends now and him. She had the choice between, now, I don’t want to just say myself or my friendship like a conceited person, but more the unlimited support I have tried to give her, the cheering up sessions, the chatting, the whole of what the friendship was. Something akin to sisters.  Or someone who actively made her feel low and kept her unsteady and damaged her self-worth, self-love, self-respect.

Her response in those seconds after I told her she can start choosing now, “oh… I dunno” like it was hard, like she had to really think for a long time because the attention she got from the abuse that she could get from people was that much of an important aspect. I hate to say it, but it does sort of haunt me, but that is what made up my mind. I told her she had clearly made her choice and I said bye and that was it. Years turned to dust and water.

That’s the thing, it’s not the first time I had to tell her to make a choice. At the start of her relationship with her now baby daddy she was flirting with his brother. A lot. I had enough and told her to make her mind up which brother she wanted. Well after that she blamed me for her flirting around blowing up in her face. Didn’t talk for months.

This time though, it feels different. For a start, it’s not me telling her to decide what boy she wants. It’s me asking her to make a choice of what life she wants.

The thing is, and I know I should be feeling really bad, the day of the ultimatum was hard. It was hard because there was a guilt that I made her choose, because I needed to get closure. The exposure to her moods, her highs and lows and her being treated like that, it did affect me. It reminded me too much of my own past, and I had hoped she had learned from my mistakes so she never had to experience it herself. And yet there she is, choosing to put herself in that position.

When I went through it, a lot of who I was died. Coming out of it, felt like I had been burned alive and this is what remained. Eventually I healed and so have the scars. But she saw that. I had hoped she would have chosen to not experience it.

Mind you for a long time I have hoped she would choose a different path in general. To follow a dream that didn’t depend on a boy or romance or attention. Something she could be passionate about. But hey, she chose the boy.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Twenty-One :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Last night I had a dream. It wasn’t just empty sleep. It felt so good to be in that world again. It felt so incredibly frustrating to be finally in this dream and then pulled out of it. And yes I know, it was kind of an intense dream. It was kind of an intimate dream. So yes, that anxiety about intimacy played into it. That was kind of awesome. But I did learn something, I can do it. I can think about the awareness of proximity and not feel an anxious prickle down the back of my neck.

And yes the Captain in the dreams… he is attractive, I won’t bother trying to lie. He reminds me of someone. That natural energy. But that world that this dream thrives in, my god it all just seems so intense, and the laws of that world seem different to this world.

But here is an idea, a something I want to know about; can that magical charm transcend into this world? Is it the use of charisma that they are using? Is it magic or charisma? Is it charm or charisma? Is it entrancement or charisma? Is it even charisma? Could it be just internal knowing that what you want will happen? Could it be that knowing, that internal knowing that tells you that everything is coming together for you?

It is such a broad idea. It’s great, I love it.

I woke up this morning full of wonder, full of energy. FULL of imagination. My mind is full of these ideas; these images of things I want to say or show.

So, part of me has this intense wanting to know who the hell the Captain reminds me of. The other part, frustrated that I was woken from that amazing dream, it was so frustrating to be pulled from such a wonderful thing by its phone call.

The person on the other end? Well, that was Clover.

I keep trying to change my observation of her, of my frustration of her, I keep trying to remind myself of all the positive aspects of her. But there is a reason why it is hard, because in my awareness of the frustration I attract the reasoning for it.

So Clover interrupted my lovely dream. Apparently her ex, who she has this intense obsession with, she wants him back, has apparently been on social media. He has been popping up and going away and not talking to her. She has convinced herself that he has done this to check up on her, it’s been well over six months. He is in a relationship with someone else. Nothing seems to have changed. She is convinced that he is playing a game with her to try to get her to be the first one to talk. I don’t know how to tell her she is sounding like a stalker by the way she is holding her attention towards him.

I don’t know how to tell her that, or that she needs to heal and move on. She keeps justifying it, holding herself in this place of pain. She knows the very basics of the process to do with being a deliberate creator from observing me. But in that she uses it to justify her obsession, she doesn’t want to move on.

In observing her I know one thing, I am knowing that her obsession doesn’t make it right. I know that she is holding herself in a place of pain. I have held myself in that place of pain, in my attention to Adrian Ferisle. The thing is I’ve been learning is that his presence in my life must now be one thing or another, all or nothing. His current technique of popping up and not letting me forget about him by talking to me in waves of bombardment and silence, I DO NOT WANT THAT ANYMORE. He wants to stay in my life because he doesn’t want to let me go, it is by his insistence that we are still friends.

But I know and I understand that I am worthy and deserve reliability. I deserve to know where I stand. But I do know where I stand. If he wants to be in my life and keep getting the benefits of my reliability, my care, my consideration, my kindness, my time and my support he needs to make a commitment to me to in turn reliably learn and grow as a team. I am done being in this limbo, I have been done for so long, I have said this so often, but now I believe it. What I want doesn’t trump what I need. I will feel good, no matter what, his presence or his absence will feel good because I feel good.

My name is Elliot Parker and I know that I am deserving of that better feeling thought.

I am excited by the knowing that I am in charge of my happiness it is my thing, my responsibility. Influences like Clover or Adrian are slowly going to have less and less influence on my happiness. Outside factors will have less influence as I become more aware and more in control of my thinking, my happiness and my future. I know that what will be manifested will be brilliant, that I will be excited. I will be sure that whatever is perceived of me will not affect my happiness. Those that understand the process of deliberate creation from the root to the tip of the iceberg will be able to not only hear my words like anyone else but they will be able to understand them. That knowing is awesome.

I am so glad, I am so glad that what is, or what was, is not where I am or where I am going. Because where I am going, I am already there, my energy is in harmony with that. It is the sweet music of the universe. That joy, unbridled comes from the understanding, from the knowing that develops from being a deliberate creator.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX