.: Entry One-Hundred and Fourteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker, a week on and I have made some progress. I lost a little bit of weight, a few pounds. Seems insignificant in how much I need to loose, but to me that is massive, its good progress. It is me pushing forward to what I want. That little list of goals.

Great right? I am making progress…  Dyl was so happy for me because it made me happy. But when I told Clover, she went 100% negative, not even a well done. It was a “you’re doing it wrong you’re doing everything really long winded.” Literally I am measuring inches from the waist and my weight. Not my fault if you can’t follow simple numbers or more realistically cheer for your friend when she made progress in the right direction and is achieving what she wants. But no, go ahead and try and make everyone feel like shit and play the no-one has life worse than me or better than me competition in your head love. I am happy. All she had to do was say well done. Instead this was the conversation:

Me: I lost a couple pounds and an inch and a half off my waist.

Clover: I’m sorry

Me: For?

Clover: I don’t work how you do so I haven’t got a clue what you’re on about

(Like simple as it is said)

Me: I lost weight and inches.

Clover: I work it out diff to you so that’s how I don’t have a clue

(Ok so this is where you can tell she’s trying to poop on my parade)

Me: I am literally measuring in pounds (lbs) and inches

Clover: But you’re not meant to. Everyone I spoke have said to me why she doing it that way… you not meant to LOL

(LIKE FUCK BITCH HOW AM I MEANT TO FUCKING TRACK MY DAMN PROGRESS)

Me: So how am I meant to measure it then? I am tracking what I want to lose in pounds because that is what my scales works in. I am keeping track of the inches to know the physical change in what I am losing in my figure.

(Literally why did she even be talking to people about me… why the hell am I still friends with someone who keeps trying to make me constantly feel bad about myself and tries to ruin my happy moods when things are going well by trying to make it less than what it is.)

Clover: Everyone has said that is the long winded way and its normally done in stone and pounds to see what you actually weigh.

Me: There’s 14 pounds to a stone. That is what the scales work in, doesn’t matter if it is long winded I am measuring the change. It’s not long winded if you can follow numbers.

 

To be honest, I know I have said it before, but I don’t see why I bother anymore. She only wants to talk to me when she wants something whether that is attention or validation for her shitty attitude and behaviour. The thing is I notice it so much now, I have been with Dyl for almost a year, and she has tried to poop on every bit of my happiness with her behaviour and is always letting down on plans and everything in general. I know I am not perfect but if someone is happy and it harms no one else why not be welcoming with that positive well done, who does it hurt?

That is the thing though, I have seen what healthy relationships are, with Dyl and Hal. Hal has always beent the healthy supportive friend and I wouldn’t change him for the world best friend and an adopted brother type figure. And Dyl, not only is he my other half he has become one of my best friends too. The thing is, with Hal, we both are wanting the healthy best life for each other. We spur each other on, whether it’s our therapy or courses, or our passions. We have supported each other for years and that is the best kind of friendship. With Dyl, he is just such a positive person, we always try to cheer each other up on low days and we cheer each other on when we have successes. We make time for each other and try our best to communicate and be constructive with each other.

Sometimes I admit, I am not the best at communicating, sometimes I struggle with voicing thoughts but that is something we are working on changing. We work together and try to make things better all the time. We try to encourage the happy relaxed atmosphere between us.

I just wish I could have been able to say the same thing about Clover. Whatever situation she complains about she doesn’t really want an answer or help to fix it she just wants to complain about it for the attention. Anything that doesn’t revolve around her or supports her wants for what life she wants you living to be at her convenience is given a negative taint. I suppose to her I should stay overweight and letting her do what she wants and behave how she likes. I should in her eyes keep letting her treat me as nothing. Let her keep bailing on plans.

That is not the life I want to live. I think it is a shame but I suppose I guess breaking up with friends isn’t easy especially if you can’t be bothered to enter some arena for her to make her look like a victim posting stuff everywhere like a spoiled brat. That’s the thing. I want my life to a degree to be private so why is she telling people about me trying to lose weight or whatever. She bails on plans and won’t even let you know in advance its hours later you get some silly excuse. I know I deserve better.

.: Entry One- Hundred and Thirteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker, and I have neglected my health for cosy days in on the sofa eating junk food with Dyl. So yes while I might be happier than I have ever been that does sometimes falter. Sometimes can be quite often, when I look in the mirror and see how much weight I’ve put on, how unhealthy I feel when I just exist.

My waistline has expanded by a few inches and all of what used to be baggy clothing is now tight and I went up a size and now that is getting tight and I just I needed to get a wake-up call. That came when I tried a BMI calculator for the first time in years and it was red. It was reed and it was miserable, according to that, I am obese. It’s so frustrating to think that two years ago, I was skinnier, sure I wasn’t toned and I jiggled but now I am not skinny and I jiggle more than I would like to admit. So here it is.

The thing is they say that you put on weight when you are in a relationship. Sure I did but I did something worse, or at least it feels that way.

I feel like to a degree I have lost myself, I have lost knowing who I am and what I want. My focus had been so altered and sure I have been looking and focusing on all those things that feel good. I ended up in this place of wanting more from something that already felt good and by putting all this pressure on myself to want things to be a certain way I just sort of created all these doubts in my head.

I don’t want to doubt.

I don’t want to worry about things that are going well. It doesn’t work.

I want to be able to relax. So I decided that it was time to pull out this diary and try to talk to myself to make sense of that. So it comes to a point when I need to look at what I wanted before I started a relationship. What was it I was striving for this time last year? I wanted so much and now I am trying to think of what it was and it is so hard to remember. It took a long while. I sat down and let myself think. What do I want now for me, that is only for me ultimately? It was a case of what makes me independently happy. Well, it turns out this is part of it. Writing these makes me happy. It makes me excited to move to the next thing the next idea. Well it took a while to progress. I wanted to know what I really felt made me happy. What brought me to wanting the next phase of wanting.

First of all, I had to remind myself, that this is a universe that is controlled by energy. I reminded myself that I can have anything I want. I can do anything and be anything if I allow it.

So I am going to allow myself into getting healthier and fitter and stronger and I will enjoy it at every step. I am going to bring exciting rewards into my universe.

I had to know what my desires are and it wasn’t hard to realise that I had plenty. I had enough that I could enjoy the idea of and sure winning the lottery is a great idea. But that wasn’t what I was aiming for when it comes to knowing what I want my individual me goals to be big or small.

I want my own home.

I want to get better at my hobbies.

I want to lose weight easily and effortlessly.

I want to learn to drive.

I want freedom and to enjoy my abundance.

I want to write something that really makes a difference on here (or wherever really I guess? All kinds of things could happen).

I want to keep enjoying a steady income.

I want to enjoy my income.

I want to build up my ability to really just create my life effortlessly.

I want to wear that beautiful blue dress I got in the sale a few years ago that I have never worn.

I want a family of my own.

 

Looks like a simple list, it can all fall into place when I am ready to let it happen. Right now I am so very ready to let losing weight happen. I want to enjoy exercising. I want to enjoy eating lots of fruit and vegetables. I want to enjoy eating food that is good for me no matter what it is. I will be easily sustained. Starting to exercise is going to be easy and fun. I am going to enjoy looking forward to exercising. I am going to enjoy feeling hot and sweaty and out of breath. I am going to enjoy the feeling of getting stronger. I am going to enjoy the feeling of feeling healthy. I am going to enjoy the feeling of the weight and the fat just melting away from my body. I am going to enjoy the feeling of my muscles getting stronger and burning more calories. I am going to enjoy the feeling of burning calories with ease. I am looking forward to my fat stores in my tummy to fall away and disappear. I am looking forward to fat stores in what people call “problem areas” falling away effortlessly. It is going to be so much fun and so exciting and so positive to hit my goal weight and waist easily. It’s barely going to take any time at all. I am excited to experience the new body; the stronger, happier, healthier body that I have chosen from my desires. I am so looking forward to this new body that I can’t wait to create it and sculpt it like clay.

.: Entry One-Hundred and Twelve :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I started this for the wrong reasons in the wrong way. I wanted to become this deliberate creator of my world, I didn’t even know who I was. I convinced myself all the time of what I wanted. I tried to be something I wasn’t, happy. I tried to convince myself I was. I tried to convince myself what I was doing was right, that this was the right way even when I knew I was wrong. That’s the thing. It has taken over twenty years to understand my past. It took twenty long years to understand the systematic emotional abuse I was exposed to. Twenty years to break free of the brain washing and manipulation to see reality. Now I am here. In this new position and I don’t know if I understand myself any better.

This whole thing started for the right reasons. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to create my own world. And in a way I did.

Now aside from here, when I look at my life, I look at this world I created, I lost the relationship I had with my mother, though being realistic, I think it was so toxic it has taken until now to really open up and speak honestly about it. The relationship I had with one of my best friends has deteriorated. It’s become distant and I don’t doubt that a large portion of that is how I changed, decisions I have made. I guess I started wanting to protect myself some more. The more effective that I get at making my life healthier and happier the more I have lost my connections to who I was.

Who am I becoming in the process? Where have I disconnected from myself?

I guess it has taken shedding the past, shedding what I used to want, or what I thought I wanted and just enjoying where I have come to be. I found the man who has turned out to be the love of my life. I am slowly becoming financially stable, almost… I am getting there. That is better than I was. I found this path that I want to be on.

All the things I need to be doing I have struggled with finding the motivation and strength that comes with perseverance. I have been intermittent and inconsistent with how I am thinking. Now each morning when I get up, I am setting my alarm earlier than I need to and allowing myself at least half an hour of appreciation. I am making that effort of appreciating the life that I am living. I let myself appreciate my work, waking up, my family, my other half, my future. I let myself get excited about the day, I get myself excited about what I can look forward to in each day. I didn’t think about writing this post this morning, no I just decided to see if I could fit it in to my plans, I got some extra unexpected pleasure in my day by choosing to do this. I am choosing to look at my life, where I am right now and where I want to be and I want to make an agreement with myself of what I will do each day as a minimum. I am changing my minimums for each day in the hope that I get to enjoy the maximum each day.

Sounds like I am giving myself more stress and more pressure each month but that is not the case. At least that is not the case I intend. I am going to carve out an hour each day for me. That is an hour each day to reconnect with myself, because with all the stresses lately, I felt so overwhelmed I started shutting down and pulling back from all areas in my life, I don’t want that to be a trend. I want to start reconnecting with all that I love and that I want to be. I am hoping that starting with an hour a day will begin the unlocking of myself and what I am scared to tackle.

Carving out that hour of me time a day is simple enough in theory right? Well I am possibly running before I can walk, but I want to encourage myself in this process to start eating right, start to be healthier and move around more, I want to push forward into my life. That means recovering from old wounds. As hard as that sounds, weeks from now I want to be able to say that writing this post pushed me so much in the right direction, pushed me so far forward with what I wanted to achieve that I made myself proud.

If I can stumble upon creating the love of my life, the perfect partner for me, then what else can I do?

I just want to see where this future path is taking me. I want to push a little more toward the fun that I have been wanting in my life. Even if that means that I have to lose an hour of doing nothing relaxing for doing something, anything, hopefully this in a way, because I do enjoy this. I do enjoy finding and discovering myself about who I am or who I want to be. In these few words I get to discover what my next steps may be, or even reflecting on the past that shaped me, the mistakes and the triumphs. I spend so much time beating myself up away from here, I forget what I wanted to achieve, I come back and I see the reminders I leave myself. Working on being kinder to myself has been interesting as an exercise. I am losing the inner critic of myself over time, it’s voice is becoming quieter and easier to tell off.

I am so thankful of the progress I made from where I started, the things I thought I needed and wanted, where I am now, it is so much happier. Thank you wonderful universe.