.: Entry Ninety-Four :.

My name is Elliot Parker and I am doing my best. I am trying so hard to be an understanding person, to have grown and moved forward, but sometimes my little halo slips a little…

You know that song Kill Em with Kindness? Well I think I snapped. Not in a bad way strictly, more in the sense of if I don’t say something I will kill Clover kind of way. We’re kind of in a bit of a fight. She is up at her nans at the moment, that doesn’t mean we nerves and buttons don’t get pushed. Basically for days all I have heard about is some woman (the mother of one of her friends) posting a status on social media. She didn’t use Clover’s name… but what she said… well its caused a bit of a stir. Basically she posted a status along the lines of a type of girl… I mean there’s nothing stopping me writing it here is there?

“Certain girls are amusing me, you know what I mean the kind of girls who: has to be everyone’s friend on here, will like every status, will comment b.s. like “I’m here for you hun” etc, a really loyal friend who… searches on your friends lists and adds all your boy mates, starts sending messages to your fella and claim it was them, the second you split from your fella she’s straight round to him, oh and the first boy that reacts to her she begins a full out relationship (in her head) if they speak more than once she will be in love, she stalks them, when they realise they back off and she is heartbroken and everyone has to hear over and over and over how she has been used… if you hand it to them on a plate they will probably take it…. the girl that the only quality a guy needs for you to fancy them is a pulse”

What a harsh thing to say, but, the thing about stalking a guy or hearing over and over about her obsession with them, it’s not 100% untrue. That was about four or five days ago… give or take, and that was the only thing she was willing to talk about. No matter how many times you tried to bring up a positive conversation or topic, it was her new obsession. I said to her “I think, if they haven’t got the balls to say it to your face rather than play a victim all over social media than that is a prime example.” When I wrote that I was honestly thinking “you’ve done this to me before and now someone is doing it to you. Will you even see the connection?” Apparently not. Because when someone does those statuses it is anything but a reflection of you, it is their own guilt and insecurity reflected back to them… it is not you, it is their vibration.

She had the balls to say “it’s like they are trying to provoke a response so they can be the victims and I am the attacker, this is basically bullying.” I just wanted to stick a mirror in front of her. Sure I write here in my diary but that is exactly what this is, a diary. So, anyway, I responded to that comment as calmly and controlled as I could. “To be honest, whenever it has happened to me I take a break from the relationship with whomever is involved and I refocus my life onto what I want. It is easier and feels better to focus on happiness without a reminder of negativity. It gives concentration and drive to make dreams and decisions about what you want to come into your life in an easy way.” Which is something I do try to do. To be completely honest, that is what I have started doing again. I took out the notebook, wrote down a short list of things that interests me, and said to myself, “ok, this stuff makes you happy, relaxed or smile… let’s do more of that whenever we can. Let’s focus on being happy and let’s look at dreams we want to come true and start taking small bites out the big task to making them come true, one little success at a time!”

The next day same topic of the broken record she wouldn’t change. I tried to be sympathetic… she has it in her head it is because her cousin is trying to date her friend’s ex they are aiming so much of that status at her, she wanted to tell the cousin to either hurry up and lock him down or leave him alone because it is causing her trouble. I said it was a big ask because it was. She seriously asked her cousin to either hurry up and get with someone even if you’re not sure and need to take your time or end the relationship prematurely without finding out if it had a future, that is kind of a cruel thing to ask.

A little while later Clover implied she was looking at how to overdose on her medication, what an overreaction, how insensitive can you get? Your sort of brother in law died at his own hand earlier in the year and you think that form of trying for attention is appropriate? It was cold. I had enough, I was getting to that point in a conversation when you want to rip someone’s head off because they can’t see exactly what they are doing because they are trying to get attention constantly about the same thing. She has too much time on her hands. I am not just saying that just because I am feeling a time shortageness.

A few hours later she pipes up again and pretends to ask how things are before she uses it as a platform to say she is “thinking”. Three guesses to what she was thinking about…

.: Entry Ninety-Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I am frustrated with Clover; some things never change huh? I know it can be stupid, the energy that gets spent being frustrated or annoyed by her behaviour. I suppose that just means that I know what I don’t want and she is one source of consistent clarity. Although that doesn’t exactly sound flattering either.

So why am I frustrated this time? Well, you see, I don’t mean to sound like a jerk or insecure about this, but it is just an observation that has been highlighted a lot recently. She has been very reluctant to show any support or interest in the way things are going with Dyl. It seems the happier I am with him, the more time I spend with him, the less she wants to be part of a day to day conversation. So we talk a lot less. On the rare occasion I do pipe up and say that I am happy or when I am with her and get a message from Dyl you can see her turning sour. She will either ignore it or bring up Adrian as in a “what about Adrian?” kind of question like what about him?

Sometimes it seems as though she sees me moving on and sees it as a threat to her feelings and her obsession with her ex and trying to get him back. Like it threatens her plans, her dreams of them getting back together. I suppose she is wanting me to do the same as her and wait for Adrian to finally decide that he wants me. I don’t want to live that way, and unlike her opinion it doesn’t lessen how I felt about him or negate it. I am simply choosing me; I am choosing being happy. It is me choosing to stop hurting myself waiting for something to happen that wasn’t going to happen, if it was, it would have happened a long time ago, when I took those risks. If it was going to happen it would have. So yes I am not torturing myself over it. Now I am happy in so many ways, and she is trying to chain me back up to pain and I am not playing the game. She is pushing for the past to try to make it relevant.

It’s sad to realise that she probably won’t ever support me with anyone but Adrian. It shows her that there is a life after heartbreak, it’s less to do with Dyl, less to do with me, but everything to do with her. There is no point taking her lack of support up as an issue with her, I would be better off just enjoying being happy and showing her that happiness is something I really care about and I am responsible for it. I am showing her it is ok to move on. When it comes to Clover, I could tell her until I am blue in the face and it would make no difference, but if I show her, eventually she realises its ok and she tries to do the same.

Maybe in return, I have shown pretty much no interest in whatever boys she is now talking to and flirting with, I can’t keep up anymore. I don’t want to keep pretending like I know or understand who she is talking about all the time, I can’t keep track of who she is flirting with. It’s hard and impossible to win. She is doing what makes her happy, distracting herself. I just want to see her move on and be happy.

I know my frustration with her is purely selfish. I am happy I want to share and shout to the world just how happy I am. It has almost become the natural default. I like that, it feels good to be inspired to just feel good and enjoy the happiness, although it makes my productivity pretty low. I wish that wasn’t the case. But at the moment, I have barely done anything I was meant to do for weeks. My ever long to do list has barely been touched. I think it might take some consistent thought, some kind of consistent ease, to push me towards managing to get what I want done. I think, probably, as of next week I need to be more careful with my choices and what I want to do. I can see the future weeks unfolding in a fun and easy way as I find a balance. If that means finding a better time and schedule to get things done, then it looks like I will do it. I need to make the most of my time and push the easiness of what I want to do and achieve. I can do it… I have to believe I can do it.

I know that there is potential for some amazing things to happen.

Like right now, a little secret, I can feel myself falling for Dyl. It’s like the thing that I have been missing has been filled in. It’s a natural fit. He makes me burst with excitement. I blush uncontrollably. I can’t help but smile when it comes to Dyl. He is in some ways the person I want to be and become, the naturally happy person I am learning to be. A perfect manifestation, a confirmation of every joy that I am becoming. Someone who accepts and embraces my embarrassing self. Someone who brings out my more affectionate side, someone who makes me soft and gentle and so sentimental it is at times like someone else has taken over me. Perhaps that someone else is just that person I am when I am happy, he brings out the happiness in me with nothing more than a smile. So I suppose I am also falling in love with the person I am becoming, the person that he brings out in me, the hopeful and happy me. He brings out the best in me.

.: Entry Ninety-Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker and recently I have been spending more time with Dyl. That hasn’t come without issues though. None of those issues come from Dyl.

I know I have been a bit more distant with Adrian. But with that distance comes issues of its own. He sent me a message the other day about going on that weekend away for a pampering and I realised I didn’t feel comfortable going if the expectation of me was for sex. I know I shouldn’t look at him, about the trip like that. But it brings about its own issues. So anyway I called him when he asked to try to sort out the date and such and he got a bit distracted that I was on my way out for dinner after work and wouldn’t be able to call him when I got back because of the time difference. I got a text a few minutes later after hanging up, that it sounded like I was going on a date. So it wasn’t really a date in the strictest terms, I was going to see Dyl yes, but it was an on the fly “hey wanna come over for dinner tonight, I’m ordering Chinese” and we ended up watching a movie and we fell asleep.

I do care about Adrian, I do want him to be happy, I don’t want to hurt him. I asked him flat out where I stood with him before and he just responded with “just do what makes you happy”. Way for stuff I say to him to bite me on the ass, he was being evasive. That’s fine, but if that is the attitude he wants to take when I am asking him where I stand then I suppose I have my answer rather than take a chance. I am all about taking chances and risks and going for what I want. So I suppose my frustration has always been palpable when I know what I want I just go for it and enjoy it.

Ok back to it, so Adrian had sent the message about being on a date and I said it was dinner out, but I have been asked on a date and that I wanted to talk to him properly. He sort-of got a little defensive, like seriously, the friends with benefits situation is what he bloody well wanted. Except now, I don’t want the benefits if you catch my drift. It put me in a mood because that conversation felt like a hornet’s nest had been kicked. I mean I haven’t exactly talked to or messaged him since, it’s been like three days, which given his recent consistent increased messages up until that day was a bit weird. So I did just send a message asking how he is doing and how his coursework is going. His response? That he will call tonight (late afternoon/early evening for me). I’m not sure I will actually get that call though. I’m not sure what I will say.

I kind of feel like giving up, because no matter what I know that it won’t matter in the long run because whatever is meant to be will come about and there is nothing I need to do.

My name is Elliot Parker and spending that time with Dyl feels good. It feels relaxed like I can be my goofy self and it’s ok. I don’t have to try to be perfect or try to fit into someone’s image of me. I like spending time with Dyl. We try to fit time with each other in, although, that being said, we normally fit it around food which is ok.

So yesterday I agreed to a date after work sometime in the next few days. I’m kind of nervous, sounds stupid because I already know we get on pretty good, and he does seem to be a lovely gentleman to me. But a date-date. Like I need to wear something sort of nice, it is after work I know, but I still gotta put on something cute after work, I need to find an outfit that will work.

Truth be told, I have been trying to work out how I feel more often now, trying to focus on positives and work on knowing with clarity how I feel because I love how clarity feels. So yes, I have started writing letters, there is six at the moment, I know I’ve dated them, I keep them in a shoe box, in that shoe box is me trying to work out how I feel or a message about something that has happened in relation to Dyl and it is my new way of figuring myself out. I am trying to navigate these new feelings, rather than talk them through with girlfriends, there is only one I talk to for advice reliantly. I suppose I just hope those letters aren’t found and read, especially not by Dyl, not right now at least, could you imagine the awkwardness that that would bring?

Mind you at this rate, if things keep going well, I might need another writing set. I just thought it would be a good thing to do, for myself. I suppose I want to increase the positive happy stuff that makes me happy. Dyl keeps joking about finding and reading my diary, little does he know, he probably will never read this, the awkward diary of trying to navigate my emotions. The awkwardness of me trying to figure out this deliberate creation stuff.

I can’t wait to see what I end up manifesting next, I am enjoying the working things out part of deciding what I want to do, I am enjoying choosing what I want. I know where I want to be, what I want my impossible dreams to be. I am ready for impossible dreams to come true. I like how it feels, I like how I feel as a deliberate creator, I just wonder how I got here sometimes.