.: Entry Thirty-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Thursday sort of went the way that I wanted-ish. Well… It happened like this: I wanted to see Adrian Thursday night. It wasn’t looking likely, he had so much to get done before he went abroad to work, well, then he got called into work and I got a message that if they get the problem sorted quickly then he would come round. Well… I suppose I had a tiny bit of residual resistance, and I was tired, very tired. So I went to bed and fell asleep. I found out the next day that he had been stuck at work till 1am. Which sucked. But it kind of worked out for the best. You see I had it in my head that my appointment was later than it was… ooopsie.

Friday I woke up about six fifty something and went back to bed, the alarm that goes off every morning at seven went off and I sort of thought “oh just check the time” … Well I did and my appointment wasn’t the afternoon like I thought, it was the freaking morning, I was not impressed. How had I convinced myself that it was so much later than it was?

Anyway I got myself sorted and ready in plenty of time and made it there early. I didn’t get the results I wanted, but I know that could change quite easily if I find a way to sure up my energy on my desire without resistance.

I had a dream, last night. Not the dream of that room. But a different dream. Ok it was two dreams.

So… in this dream, I was high up in a block of flats and it was comfortable and I found myself looking out of the window, in the distance I see this tornado. Its huge, massive and so very different. A beautiful destruction, like the storm in a cup level spectacular. It was huge and the colour changed from dark greys to plumes of burgundy with green lights and it just seemed to be this huge massive stage effect. It was bewildering, and huge and wow. It changed colours and it changed direction a lot. The flats that I was in seemed to move sideways and such like a great glass elevator moving along a horizontal path at huge speeds and it seemed as though I were unintentionally and intentionally changing the directions of the tornado. It seemed to just be this beautiful changing spectacle.

The second dream. Well, there were these railway tracks and somehow you clip into them, on the back of a train and you are holding this rail and this train is moving so fast and on the other pole, the one near mine is Adrian. The faster the train moves the harder it is to keep your body vertical it just feels easier to let go and hold on to the pole with your arms (with ease) and let your body float in the speed of the air. It was incredible. So there the train goes faster and faster and the rails have this high turning bridge of rails right over the water. It looks petrifying and dangerous and I know that all you have to do is keep believing and hold on and its fine. And I can feel Adrian tense up and I try to encourage him to trust that it will be ok. The train picks up speed and starts rising and it’s over the water and it’s scary in a beautiful stunning way. And Adrian gets scared and let’s go and I find some instinct stop the train and pull Adrian back up and on and we are at that part just before the train goes up over the water. This time I tell him and encourage him to trust me and to stay holding on. Well the train picks up speed and we get over the water and the dangerous scary part and its done, we get into the main body of the train and sit inside.

According to dream dictionary: the tornado means that… oh it’s something about change, a challenge an important relationship something that is on the horizon. There is a positive feeling in the dream so I am going to take an educated guess that it is not something that is bad that is coming, just a change. The train tracks apparently that has something to do with being in control if you are on the tracks, coming off the tracks is a lack of control. I suppose that has more to do with Adrian than I, I know that he struggles with control and change, though I am not sure why I am the one who has the control and manages to pick him up and get him back on track, or why it was important for him to trust me in what I was doing. Moving into the regular carriage apparently means ease. The second dream didn’t really feel like one of my own if I am honest, not the kind of dream I would normally have. Apparently seeing Adrian in the dream is that it was his thinking of me intensely therefor projecting a telepathic message towards me. Which given that he is about to start working away for a long time, it perhaps makes the travelling factor of the train tracks make sense. So maybe I only saw that dream because he wanted me to see that dream. I don’t know, but rescuing him then didn’t feel much different to rescuing him in the real world when he struggles emotionally.

I know that things between us were a bit weird. Are a bit weird. I guess that kind of happens when one of you reads life in energies and the other in logic. It’s weird, having a connection with someone and you just sort of know these odd thoughts in their heads, the unspoken things, how they feel or what they are doing. It’s like knowing a book cover to cover but it keeps changing the story.

.: Entry Thirty-Four :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Today is still Thursday for me.

The dream of the pair of pairs of magpies is still on my mind. It was a different dream. It feels like the first time I have ever seen this dream of the magpies telling me that the happiness is multiplied it was like yes, four does mean for a boy. But it also means, look there is happiness and there is happiness it is where ever you set your gaze and from the broader perspective the happiness is multiplied. It feels good to know.

So yesterday I went for a late lunch with Clover, I wanted to know clearly, to have it confirmed to me that those intimate moments on Monday were intimate and not just my relaxed allowing feeling. I wanted it confirmed. I wanted confirmation? Like I didn’t know what I already knew what I have been knowing. How strange.

So anyway I recounted what happened as objectively as I could, trying to remove myself, my feeling and my interpretation of those moments.

Clover turned to me and said that it was very relationshippy that it didn’t surprise her. She knows, she has this certainty and knowing that Adrian and I will be together again, we will work things out and “get back together” in that moment, I felt a little guilty for the feelings I have had for Jonas. Her certainty in her knowing just felt like there was no remorse or discomfort in her knowing. It expanded what I know. She is beginning to learn how to be a deliberate creator and her knowing without question of this was just very interesting to watch her list of knowing.

There are times where Clover is handed a great huge giant piece of contrast that infuriates her. Rather than find a way back to alignment with her focus she wants to bathe and swim and go wild with the contrast. There is the huge difference. The contrast that is handed to me that infuriates me? Well I try to find my way back to alignment to feel relief.

I know that finding some relief of the emotion will lead to more if I follow and hold my attention to it and before long my energy begins to alter, I begin to walk closer to hopefulness, I begin to walk closer to optimism, I walk closer to happiness. I reach a point and it feels like walking hand in hand with happiness. It feels great. It feels spectacular. It is so wonderful to enjoy the manifestation of the better feeling thoughts.

I have to keep remembering this one thing, there is nothing that I can gain from talking about it when I feel the resistance. Do you know what I recommend my dear diary? I recommend walking away from those thoughts that do not satisfy you, that do not provide you the ease and bliss that you want to feel. Walk the F- away from them because it doesn’t make a diddly bit of difference.

Want to know something interesting? Of course you don’t, you are my diary.

So I told Clover about my dream. It was early in the morning, she read it and went back to sleep. So she just sent me a message that she had a weird dream. She dreamed she was pregnant (around four months) and I already had a baby an 18 month old. The name, though, I have never told her what I want to call my kids (yes I know already a little list of names that I would like to call my kids) and she told me that the name of my baby, was a name from that list, a list that I tell no one. Which very much surprised me. And she goes on to say that I apparently said “so much for the doctors saying he can’t have kids” and I am here on the other side of my phone laughing because I know the who. Here is where it gets a second bit odd. I have had this strange feeling like a knowing, one of those just things that you just have a feeling about. Anyway that feeling that if I had a child with this person, our first child would be a boy. And apparently in her dream it was. It was a strange dream apparently and continues focused on the pregnancy on her side. The 18 months part, I haven’t told her yet that Adrian’s contract is for 18 months. I found that a very odd coincidence. It was nice to hear about the strange dream just because of all the funny coincidences of things I have not told her appearing in her dream. It just feels funny, amusing. Like co-creating at its best, she is dreaming of the pregnancy and the boyfriend that she really wants but at the same time she is showing hints and signs at things that have never been told to her. Her dream is interesting from the tiny details that I know that are related to me or my future just because it is curious to see what I want subconsciously that has leaked into her subconscious that coincides and collaborates with what she wants.

I have a feeling that I know exactly what would be a good thing for her to receive. I am being a bit spoiled today with all these fun moments of alignment, all these funny moments where I check the time by accident to see how long I have left before I need to go out. So far today I have had 11.00 show itself to me, 11.11 and 11.22 it is fun to just see my alignment and shots at angel numbers that I do and don’t know.

I am feeling the bliss of the amusement, the bliss of the waft and smell of the candle wax burning. It is fun to imagine that as the candle burns it is pulling the resistance from me and dissipating it. It feels great to just allow these funny moments that amuse me. The universe is confirming to me all that I ask of it and all that I have not yet asked it is bringing forth the answers.

.: Entry Thirty-Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

This is my diary. This is my diary that seems to have warped as I have grown. I suspect, that this diary is my own way at times to rampage myself right into that pure positive energy.

There is a brief story I want to share with my diary.

So last week, or was it the week before? Either way, I had a strange impulse to put on a specific piece of jewellery. I just had this call to put the ring on. This ring, has runes on it that the inscription translates to health and happiness. But that is not all, there is a pendant that was pared with this ring. A simple silver pendant with runes. I gave the pendant on the cord string to Adrian last year when I found out that he was going to be working away a lot. A little sort of totem or something. Something to remember me by in a way.

So about half a week or so later (we land this now on Saturday) I lay in bed in the late evening and I felt my grandad there with me, his spirit took my hand. I was feeling pretty damn bloated after an evening out with my friend at a nice buffet. And I have to say it was great. But, I remember saying that I will not be intimate with someone without a relationship. I took a decision in that moment that that was what I wanted. So anyway back to lying in bed bloated with my grandad’s spirit being with me. I asked if I should send a message about the buffet place to Adrian and I just had this answer come to me in that moment. Send the message tomorrow morning when you wake up and you feel good and light and there is no resistance.

The next morning comes and I sent the message, I got a reply. Which surprised me. The reply was like that’s cool, guess what, I’m back. And it just felt like the receptive mode was like just go with it.

So I went out for the day still messaging Adrian, silly conversational stuff, and I felt inspired to dye my hair so I did. It’s a lot less red, quite a dark brown though. So we were chatting and we wanted to meet but timing was unfortunate on the Sunday but the Monday, well apparently that was 100%. That worked for me the day was easy and receptive too. It was a couple of pure days of receptive mode, I got my hair cut on Monday and I felt better. And here’s where it gets a bit messy. So Monday evening we did hang out, it was a fun evening, an intimate evening. There was a silly moment, where I grabbed his bum and said “this is mine”. It was a silly moment, but I just felt the idea in the receptive mode of the sensation. So the silly game of “this is mine” escalated in a simply aligned way. When he asked “is there anything else that is yours?” I just felt inspired to the answer. As he said “you don’t want my brain its broken” I said “your mind… your heart” I just felt inspired to the honesty, to the lack of argument. In response to his comment I felt inspired in my answer because it was honest, “broken toys play together nicely, just need a little imagination.” That is so very true, I felt his resistance when he answered “no they don’t” it was as though no one had ever said to him it is ok to be who you are and be loved for it. “I have enough imagination for the both of us.” That was the best answer I could give that he would receive in the right way. It was simply an aligned evening, I felt a place of pure alignment. He is mine, I know it. I can’t explain the how but I just know it.

So the plan was I would see him Thursday. Well with contracts signed now he has to get ready he’s going to be away for 18 months and he thinks he has too much to do so Thursday is an impossibility. It’s not impossible. I have had inspired day dreamy things during meditation that tells me that Thursday is definitely not an impossibility. I am in the receiving mode, his day will be easy and complete before he realises and Thursday is an incredible possibility.

I feel pretty sure that I am in the receiving mode. Today is Thursday. Between Tuesday morning and today I contended with my resistance but now, I am releasing resistance. I know everything is always working out for me. There is nothing that I need to do right now. Just write in my diary and relax. Today I will allow, today I will meditate and enjoy the things that I do. I have lit a little tea light candle to enjoy the flame of, to just enjoy the peace of watching a candle. That is my secret. I love to watch the flame, it sooths and calms my soul. It is my natural soul cleanser. It feels good to release any and all resistance to be burned up by the candle and diminished.

I had a dream last night, after asking my grandad for assistance, to make the day dreams from meditation real. So anyway in this dream I am in a sort of open space, there is green everywhere and a couple of rows of houses. And there is a pair of magpies on one roof and I feel this bliss of knowing, two magpies, its happiness and in that breath I look to the opposite roof and there is a pair of magpies there and the bliss is just abundant. And it is then that my brain and I begin to argue a little, I said to myself oh there are four magpies, but my brain says no, today there is two pairs, two twos. Not four but two twos it is happiness multiplied by happiness. Accept that whatever direction you look, there is happiness.

Last night in the book that I had begun reading there was a quote, a pair of lines that I just felt complete assimilation with. “You only hear what you are ready to hear.” This is so very true. And I am allowing Adrian into my day.

.: Entry Thirty Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker and I am a deliberate creator.

Right now, I don’t know what I am creating. I don’t know what it is that I am wanting in this given moment, other than inspiration.

I am hoping that inspiration will come. I am knowing that inspiration will come, I will know what I want to talk about.

So Clover and I are still talking. It still feels strange. It feels neither satisfying nor comfortably natural anymore. I feel like every message she sends about seeing signs feels like she is forcing it. But I am not sure. It could be that my responsiveness to signs from the universe has faded for a while. Her boy, for lack of a better word, obsession or perhaps you could call it a very concentrated focus, well it is frustrating. I noticed I am much less receptive to hearing about the boys she talks to. It sounds horrible but I just feel less receptive to what I am uncertain about. I said last time that I am giving the situation with Adrian up to the universe. I could feel the struggle and resistance in my vibration with him. Things seemed to be much more under the microscope about Adrian when I talk to Clover because the only thing she is really enthusiastic about discussing is boys. So I can see how the resistance just seemed to multiply. My attention was focused entirely on what was absent, what was bothering me wildly about him. So that is what I was attracting. Not what I wanted, but the absence of it. The same could be said for winning the lottery. But you can appreciate the understanding.

I want to give up the resistance. I want to allow myself the tapping into the magic of the universe. To do that, the easiest way to access that allowing feeling is being appreciative. To appreciate the thing that you are wanting to draw to you. To appreciate generally, the bliss and joy of nature, the small tiny things and appreciating them, like the birds that fly and how they fly. To allow the appreciation to flow freely. To allow the inspiration and guidance to just be, to let that guide you safely to what you want to appreciate now. Doesn’t it just feel good to bask in the appreciation of those little things? Yes.

I want to feel that same feeling good basking joy when I look upon things that perhaps holds a bit of resistance, whether a little or a lot. Clover or Adrian are a great example.

There was a time, a while ago, when I found a way, of quiet and peace and meditative focus where I found myself in a place where I attracted what I desired, I thought perhaps it took a long time, but I didn’t understand what it was that I was doing so when it came, I felt panicked. Because however receptive and inspired I was, I panicked because while I was up to speed with my desire, while I was up to speed with the manifestation, I still held and wasn’t able to see my fear as resistance. It was a momentary fear of not wanting to be hurt again. But I could have had all that I wanted if I had just taken hold of that manifestation, marvelled in it, enjoyed it and made it my own in every way. So now what do I want? Not a second chance for that manifestation to happen the same way so that I recognised it. But to happen again in a way that I know what I am on the cusp of, to know what I am receiving and manifesting. To hold it in a place of pure positive energy and certainty. I didn’t recognise it the first time it came around, the next I will. I didn’t know or understand what it was that I was bringing into my experience. At the time, I didn’t know or understand that I am a deliberate creator. But I am. I can do amazing things.

I know I am now up to speed with the desire, so much so that the blips outside of allowing, where I am resistant, I am honing my desire. I am growing the specific-ness of my desire. I know what I want. I know I am allowing what I want in my life. I give up the struggle and the battle. I give up the deception of control. I give up the resistance. I am allowing and giving in to my alignment. What I am wanting is inevitable, I am worthy, I am happy, I am giving up the struggle. If it is in my highest good and I am in alignment with that it will make itself known to me in a way that it will be entirely unmistakable. It is struggle free. It is understood. It is a happy hello to my own alignment. It is a happy hello to the manifestation.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I know that I am in the receiving mode. I know that I am in the fun and relaxing place, the point of attraction for the receiving mode.

These are the words that have been just out of my grasp for the last few days but I know, I know that these are the words I have been in eager anticipation of. I feel pretty damn good. I feel like the impulse I received last night to just share something with someone because I knew it would be something that they would like, and it got a response, a brief one but a response. That is what I had wanted to manifest for the last couple of days. I know the elements in the universe are joining me co-operatively. The co-operative components of the universe are conspiring to bring about what it is that I am desire. The better that I feel, the more that I allow, and boy am I allowing!

.: Entry Thirty-One :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Right now, I don’t know how I feel.

I am very aware that I had come to terms with losing one of my best friends to an emotionally abusive parasite. Since that argument, there has been only silence from that corner of my life. That’s not to say there was no missing for the companionship. But the best friends thing, that is sort of a no. I don’t think that there is the trust there for that level of friendship anymore.

I am only discussing this for one reason. Somehow she has orbited my existence again, Clover sent me a message the other day. Asking about going to go and see something, sort of odd. It was a TV psychic’s show. But, well to me that screams the person is a fraud to some degree. I don’t know how I can put my finger on it. When I saw the message in my inbox, I felt surprised for sure. But I don’t think I felt the elation that some people have when someone they cared about makes a reappearance. If I am honest, the first thing I wanted to do was get things off my chest. The social media slams, the inappropriate messages to my ex. I wanted to get it off my chest and into the open that I knew she was dragging my name through the mud. And I wanted her to know, I am well aware that this wasn’t the first occasion.

I got the response I expected. Initial denial. Presented with proof. Reluctant agreement but no apology.

Whatever.

It’s funny. Getting my inner rant, my inner source of rant material exposed was a little cathartic. But I still didn’t feel better about her talking to me. I wanted to feel better, the conversation was becoming a large source of resistance, as had the silence and the ending of the friendship. It was all rather uncomfortable. I took a few minutes, ignoring the conversation window, I decided that more than anything I wanted to feel good. I want to make choices, have experiences and manifestations that make me feel good. And the anger that I still held for Clover was the opposite of feeling good.

Honestly, I talked myself into feeling better by going general with my appreciation. The blue sky. The birds tweeting and flying. Very general good feeling thoughts. I found the blanket of emotion and vibrational energy change, it sort of felt like a turbulent sea calming to a gentle ebb. The flow of opposing energy became quietened.

It was then that I came back to the conversation, maintaining that quiet soft energy. It was there that I declared my intentions. That I don’t want to be pissed off. I don’t want to be in the receiving of the negative energies that had belonged around the situation. More than anything, I want to be happy, and that is exactly what I am going to be. That is my focus. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. Every thought. I want to be dedicated to feeling that better feeling thought, to raising my energy. I am putting away whatever angst there is around the friendship. With that I want the friendship to be entirely positive, or I should say, focused in a positive and happy place.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I want to be happy. I was going to write “My name is Elliot Parker, and I don’t want to be angry anymore.” But that wording, I knew I could write it better. I want to attract happiness into my life.

So yesterday, well, I got a surprise invitation from Clover, a trip to go and get lunch.

I wasn’t sure about saying yes. I wasn’t sure I was ready. But the olive branch was there. And it would be interesting.

She told me a few things that I already knew thanks to mutual friends… and her ex. Some drama for certain.

Lunch went ok. Eventually my vibration eased from uncertainty and caution to calm. We began to discuss what had been happening since the rift. The excitements and so forth. It was good. I even might have sort of confessed- ish, about my attraction to Jonas.

It was sort of awkward. I suppose that was inevitable. Things have been pretty rough.

But one thing that had interested me. The perception, the way it had been worded, I seem to have been misled by Adrian. He messaged Clover first. He initiated the conversation that I found inappropriate. It makes me curious why.

Mind you his behaviour now is nothing out of the ordinary. He has gone away for work again, as per usual the weeks leading up to it the conversation slowed, so much that it becomes a stagnant puddle with the very occasional ripple. Now he is away, well sometimes I wonder if blood from a stone would be easier.

It was interesting though, I made a flippant comment that maybe I will find “the one” and settle down. She said that I already had. She is still so very sure that Adrian is the one, but he is just acting like an idiot at the moment, and has been for a while I might add. When I made the comment, I had another voice in my head, another face in my thoughts, of course there were giant question marks surrounding them. There was once a time where the only person who would have appeared in my mind’s eye was Adrian. But now? Now I am not so sure. The thing is, I am acknowledging something that I never understood or acknowledged when we were together, I am worthy of being treated with love and respect and kindness. Without question. So perhaps his face didn’t appear because there is never the consistency of the good feeling thoughts in relation to him. It could be that the only reason that the other faint question of another appeared was because they are an up lifter. They make me smile just with their name, feel at ease with hello. That’s the thing isn’t it? We are worthy of the love we deserve but are unwilling to ask for. We are worthy of the one that will make us feel happy, feel at home with. Adrian in the past has made me feel like that. So whatever happens with him is out of my hands.

I relinquish all efforting thought and desire regarding Adrian to the universe.

My name is Elliot Parker. I know that there is an abundance of happiness and joy in my experience.