.: Entry One-Hundred and Fifteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker and I just recently decided it’s time to end the negatively impacting cycle that is my relationship with Clover. Things with her have gone from bad to worse and I just can’t keep letting any shred of happiness be continually tainted. I want to protect and increase my happiness. I shouldn’t have to be fighting to stay happy. I have the motivation I needed all along. I want to live my best life. I want to feel my best and feel free and I want to keep the promise to myself that I can do and be anything I want.

I wrote a list recently, a list of all the things I want, all the things I am ready to achieve and move towards. However, that comes about is up to how I allow it into my life. So here is that list again, my motivation.

I want my own home.

(This will take time, I don’t doubt, but I am ready for it, I know what kind of thing I am wanting and what it will be like.)

I want to get better at my hobbies.

(This is the thing that is the most fun. Slowly I am increasing the me time to put into the things I enjoy doing. I am putting the energy into it again like I did when I first started. The energy that when I first began lead to a little bit of an obsession. Having put the thought and the effort in I am now trying to work out when and where I can squeeze some more time out of my day to think about it or do it or work on it. That is the fun part, making that effort in my day to really focus for a moment on what I am doing and achieving day to day, and sure it isn’t always every day because sometimes I get too tired. But I love that I have developed a little more focus, so in time the being better will come effortlessly, it won’t be so hard anymore.)

I want to lose weight easily and effortlessly.

(Well as you saw in my last post that is already happening, a week in and even with the smallest of nothing tweaks to my habits that is happening. I like that I am even starting to get a little more energy as I get used to the small changes.)

I want to learn to drive.

(Well that might take a few years or a lottery win, but I know one day I will do it.)

I want freedom and to enjoy my abundance.

(Well, I am already, for the first month in a while I have a tiny bit of money left at the end of my pay check, which is unusual. But I know as I go into the next few months, it is likely to get a little bit tighter. But that is ok because I have prepared for it and I am ready to move forward and past it.)

I want to write something that really makes a difference on here (or wherever really I guess? All kinds of things could happen).

(So this one is a bit open to interpretation. But I think, even knowing when to end a toxic friendship counts as making a difference, even if it is only to my life. There is no harm in pursuing what makes me happy, there is no harm in writing how I really feel and then working out how to fix something or feel better about it.

I want to keep enjoying a steady income.

(So far so good, I am working consistently even if I don’t always enjoy work, I enjoy this and that is something. The steady income is enabling me to keep my head above water at the moment.)

I want to enjoy my income.

(Well, as part of my diet motivation I set myself some rewards so that is about to become a thing I get a couple of prizes for my diet achievements… and as added motivation I have found a swimsuit I want. I can just about get in it now, I am going to lose some weight so I actually look good in it when I next try it on… next pay check that suit is mine…)

I want to build up my ability to really just create my life effortlessly.

(Well, I’ve created a few good days at work. I’ve created some fun and freedom and some effortless encounters. Some results here and there. Some good time with Dyl and some lovely dinners.)

I want to wear that beautiful blue dress I got in the sale a few years ago that I have never worn.

(Well, there is a fair bit I need to lose to get there but I will I know it won’t be a long weight either.)

I want a family of my own.

(Now is a bit too soon to be working on that one, but I am happily building a steady foundation with Dyl.)

 

Looking at the list like that and seeing where I already am with that is great. I think that although having this motivation is great, I think it is coming to time where I am just so ready to live it and I can’t wait to be enjoy the reality.

As I walk away from Clover something tells me she won’t even notice or care and that is ok, leaving quietly is better than leaving with a bang. I want the best life for her, but I think right now it is important I live the best life I can for myself. I can’t change her and I don’t want to, it’s not my job. My job is my happiness and making my life positive. I have tried making the friendship I had with her more positive but whatever I tried didn’t work so now it’s time to give up on that and invest in the relationships that are willing to grow in positive ways.

 

So The Diary of Elliot Parker will release very soon… so here is the Pre-Order link for Ninety-One to One hundred and Twenty!  Releasing 22nd September 2018

Or if you want the whole collection in one neat and tidy book, here is the Pre-Order link for the Complete Collection! Releasing 13th October 2018

.: Entry One-Hundred and Fourteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker, a week on and I have made some progress. I lost a little bit of weight, a few pounds. Seems insignificant in how much I need to loose, but to me that is massive, its good progress. It is me pushing forward to what I want. That little list of goals.

Great right? I am making progress…  Dyl was so happy for me because it made me happy. But when I told Clover, she went 100% negative, not even a well done. It was a “you’re doing it wrong you’re doing everything really long winded.” Literally I am measuring inches from the waist and my weight. Not my fault if you can’t follow simple numbers or more realistically cheer for your friend when she made progress in the right direction and is achieving what she wants. But no, go ahead and try and make everyone feel like shit and play the no-one has life worse than me or better than me competition in your head love. I am happy. All she had to do was say well done. Instead this was the conversation:

Me: I lost a couple pounds and an inch and a half off my waist.

Clover: I’m sorry

Me: For?

Clover: I don’t work how you do so I haven’t got a clue what you’re on about

(Like simple as it is said)

Me: I lost weight and inches.

Clover: I work it out diff to you so that’s how I don’t have a clue

(Ok so this is where you can tell she’s trying to poop on my parade)

Me: I am literally measuring in pounds (lbs) and inches

Clover: But you’re not meant to. Everyone I spoke have said to me why she doing it that way… you not meant to LOL

(LIKE FUCK BITCH HOW AM I MEANT TO FUCKING TRACK MY DAMN PROGRESS)

Me: So how am I meant to measure it then? I am tracking what I want to lose in pounds because that is what my scales works in. I am keeping track of the inches to know the physical change in what I am losing in my figure.

(Literally why did she even be talking to people about me… why the hell am I still friends with someone who keeps trying to make me constantly feel bad about myself and tries to ruin my happy moods when things are going well by trying to make it less than what it is.)

Clover: Everyone has said that is the long winded way and its normally done in stone and pounds to see what you actually weigh.

Me: There’s 14 pounds to a stone. That is what the scales work in, doesn’t matter if it is long winded I am measuring the change. It’s not long winded if you can follow numbers.

 

To be honest, I know I have said it before, but I don’t see why I bother anymore. She only wants to talk to me when she wants something whether that is attention or validation for her shitty attitude and behaviour. The thing is I notice it so much now, I have been with Dyl for almost a year, and she has tried to poop on every bit of my happiness with her behaviour and is always letting down on plans and everything in general. I know I am not perfect but if someone is happy and it harms no one else why not be welcoming with that positive well done, who does it hurt?

That is the thing though, I have seen what healthy relationships are, with Dyl and Hal. Hal has always beent the healthy supportive friend and I wouldn’t change him for the world best friend and an adopted brother type figure. And Dyl, not only is he my other half he has become one of my best friends too. The thing is, with Hal, we both are wanting the healthy best life for each other. We spur each other on, whether it’s our therapy or courses, or our passions. We have supported each other for years and that is the best kind of friendship. With Dyl, he is just such a positive person, we always try to cheer each other up on low days and we cheer each other on when we have successes. We make time for each other and try our best to communicate and be constructive with each other.

Sometimes I admit, I am not the best at communicating, sometimes I struggle with voicing thoughts but that is something we are working on changing. We work together and try to make things better all the time. We try to encourage the happy relaxed atmosphere between us.

I just wish I could have been able to say the same thing about Clover. Whatever situation she complains about she doesn’t really want an answer or help to fix it she just wants to complain about it for the attention. Anything that doesn’t revolve around her or supports her wants for what life she wants you living to be at her convenience is given a negative taint. I suppose to her I should stay overweight and letting her do what she wants and behave how she likes. I should in her eyes keep letting her treat me as nothing. Let her keep bailing on plans.

That is not the life I want to live. I think it is a shame but I suppose I guess breaking up with friends isn’t easy especially if you can’t be bothered to enter some arena for her to make her look like a victim posting stuff everywhere like a spoiled brat. That’s the thing. I want my life to a degree to be private so why is she telling people about me trying to lose weight or whatever. She bails on plans and won’t even let you know in advance its hours later you get some silly excuse. I know I deserve better.