.: Entry Ninety :.

My name is Elliot Parker and right now, I don’t know what to say. Well, I do but I don’t.

The thing is, I am foggy about some things and I am clear as day about others and that all comes from taking each day as it comes.

Adrian is inconsistent again, more I have work for you to do but never sends it, then calling to tell me he is trying to pull a few strings for a part time job. I suppose that is why I think I am taking the most relaxed approach to his invite for the couple of days away because I just want to see some follow through and consistency from him. I know it sounds selfish, to want to see some consistency and follow through but I don’t know. I think I am finally taking less of an uncertain approach to the friendship trying to work out how it works or how to make it work, instead I think I have finally become more laid back about it. Like there is less of an emotional risk for me.

I think things are working out for me, overall. I have a job that fits in with my life and I don’t feel like I have to bend over backwards or cut parts of myself away to fit in which is exactly what I wanted. I think that is a great manifestation and I hope the positivity around it continues. So work is good. Getting on with Adrian is good (speak of the devil and he shall text- nothing major he was just checking in).

But I think, I have noticed some distance and a bit of a rift between myself and Clover. We seem to orbit each other less at the moment, I know I have been busy and there is that feeling of distance. It means that when we do talk to each other it’s a lot at once, like cramming in a revision session just before an exam if that makes sense.

So I suppose I have seen proof that things work out for me when I give up the resistance, so hopefully I am less resistant to winning the lottery soon, that would be a great fun experience.

So, Dyl and I are still talking. We are getting on fairly well. I suppose it’s safe to say I could see how easy it could be to develop feelings for him, if that hasn’t already started. I suppose I am being a bit hesitant. I don’t like running the risk of getting hurt. Don’t get me wrong I like taking risks, but I think the last few years of being burned from taking risks and loosing even though the benefits out way the being shot down I guess I got used to the being shot down so often that it made taking a risk a bit more dangerous no matter how I felt. Running the risk of getting hurt stopped mattering until it was someone new I might be taking a risk on, someone I can’t exactly predict.

All I can say is it feels different, sometimes a little like you can just feel how different they are as people. When Dyl kisses you, it’s gentle and soft. I suppose he must watch quite a few movies with romance in or something, the way he just knows how and where to hold you closer. Sometimes it just feels surreal, like the affection is comforting and endless when we were sat talking on the sofa, it was just effortless in a way, the way he held my hand and the flirting. I guess it feel warmer. Like there was less of a barrier between us, less unspoken I suppose. Not like we were repressing what we were thinking or feeling or trying to be in complete control of ourselves.

I hate to do it and I don’t want to, but comparing Dyl to Adrian isn’t going to work when they are very different in many ways, not a bad thing or in any bad way, it just feels like a very bad idea to start running those questions into some air. They don’t need to be asked or answered.

Take each day as it comes remember.

My name is Elliot Parker, sometimes I just wish I could disappear into another less complicated world where I don’t ever need to think.

I am ready for a nap. Just to disappear into another dream. I haven’t dreamed of the room with the books or where it leads for a little while. I haven’t dreamed of anything strange like that for a long old while. I wonder if the room is gone or its just locked to me for a while. Part of me wishes I could find out what is happening to the dream when I am not there, if anything ever happens when I am not there.

I suppose it has been a long old day.

I wonder what I would do if I won the lottery, it’s a nice fantasy, a lovely image. I’d make myself a nice little home probably. Somewhere just right for me, somewhere I can do my thing and not worry about annoying someone else, I could have a purple living room, maybe even consider open plan. Maybe I could do something crazy like have a cool little garden that has herbs like mint and basil and oregano all over the ground instead of grass. A herb turf sounds like more fun than regular old grass… maybe my garden would always smell herby and fresh, might be nice in the summer. It would smell ready for a splash of vodka and lemonade… not that I really drink but it would be a nice idea. And hanging baskets filled with strawberry plants or tomatoes? Something silly like that, an edible garden. Though with a dog I doubt I would want to eat or use the turf but the dog would probably smell good.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available  on amazon! Out NOW… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

.: Entry Eighty-Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker and I must admit I wonder if my moral compass might be broken at times.

So I think I mentioned I manifested myself that little old job that was just right and perfect for me. It still is, but here is where things get a bit difficult, I suppose. I developed a few friendships. One of which could have the potential to cause a few issues if we have a disagreement. The thing is it is possible because me being me, I am a reckless little thing and a bit of a risk taker. So I mentioned the friend last time I wrote here. The friend I talked about the idea of the perfect kiss with. I am sure you can guess; this friend is male. I’ve hung out and spent some time with the friend, we chitter chatter almost every day. We seem to get on well, he seems so far, to be a decent guy.

So I mentioned my moral compass, I only bring it up, because I spoke to Adrian yesterday. You see, he has offered to treat me to a couple of days away from things and go get pampered with him. Which is nice, I appreciate his appreciating the work I am doing for him in my free time. I suppose the moral compass comes into because I seem to have been the queen of no man’s land for so long that I wonder if I should find this trip idea strange. After all, when it comes to Adrian and I, hanging out is often something very physical, and to be honest, I kind of don’t want to venture down that physical path again at the moment. I am tired of being the queen of no man’s land when it comes to him, being friends is great, but I just don’t know if the trip would strictly be friends or any attempt at anything more and I should probably talk with him about it.

It’s difficult being in no man’s land. It’s difficult being physical with someone and not quite knowing the boundaries outside of that, like the unspoken type thing? Like yes I know I should be dating, and occasionally I do, I know that I shouldn’t be waiting on or for him. It took a little while to feel ready to move on and forward, it took a little while to feel like I could date someone with actual potential, someone I could genuinely get on with and not be concerned about waiting for someone to wake up and smell the bacon. So being stuck in no man’s land with someone who is a few thousand miles away and with someone I work with is probably giving me a bit of a headache.

So maybe this work friend isn’t just a friend but there’s not the boundary of the committed relationship again, hell when we first started chitchatting (as nothing more than friends) he had someone, they broke up and he was trying to get back with her. So it’s not like either of us set out with the intention of the physical aspect of the friendship. I just guess that without the talk and the boundaries being set or reassessed at any point soon I should just be taking each day as it comes.

Take each day as it comes- a phrase I shouldn’t find so annoying I just like knowing what I am doing and where I am going. It’s just who I am. But I think that is the only way I can take how things are going in no man’s land when it comes to Adrian or Dyl. It’s not like either one wants or has asked for some kind of commitment from me, until then, I am taking each day as it comes. I like them each for different reasons, but none of that really matters.

I wonder whether my friendship with Adrian has reached a point where it feels like its slowly approaching a fork in the road, it feels like, maybe sometime soon, maybe with the trip which may or may not happen (looking at past performance on follow through occasionally might give me a doubt or two)… that trip may well be the point where I have the option of recommitting to a second try or whether its time I set some boundaries for myself and how I feel and direct the friendship through the gates of the eternal friend-zone.

I suppose, none of it really matters, taking each day as it comes means I don’t need to be so concerned about the future and what’s coming and just enjoy the now. The now recently has been good feeling. Feeling good seems to create a bit of an orbit. I hold myself responsible for my own happiness and when I do that I can feel everything working out easily. I know Adrian pipes up more when I am happy. It is really weird. Being happy comes easily recently.

I just feel like everything is changing, I can feel that something amazing and wonderful is coming and I am lucky.

I think, Adrian is just about starting to realise that the passion he has for his career, I have for something in my life that is not yet profitable, but hopefully it will be very soon. Like he doesn’t need to push me to be a career woman because I do have a career, it’s just a case of me being aligned with it being a source of abundance.

I think, in contrast, Dyl just seems to be cool with my career goals. So I am not interested in making it fulltime and forever on my job and pursuing my own passion outside of work. I don’t think that is so bad. I keep being reminded to dream big, it’s nice.

I suppose it’s nice to know that people believe in me and what I do, in whatever way that its shown, my happiness seems to be important and not just to me.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11^th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

.: Entry Eighty-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker and I had a rather interesting conversation really. You know when you sort of get all philosophical and “what am I doing with my life” kind of feelings and you wind up having a deep and meaningful conversation.

I mean it started when I starting thinking about how Clover is sort of boy focused 100% that is all that seems to occupy her day mainly, or that is how she makes it seem. It was like one of those thoughts, we all have our obsessions, dreams of what we want in our future. A lot of that has to do with passions, and I suppose I have a passion, a few talents and gifts but my obsession is surely the passion but even then it doesn’t occupy my whole life in its entirety, at least not consciously. I suppose my reading material or what I watch is more in tune with my passion/obsession and there is something I look for in my down time. But even then, it doesn’t feel all-consuming all the time. Like it is ok to think of other stuff, and I suppose I see the struggle Clover has with thinking of other stuff and consistently implementing the changes that she is always saying she wants to make in her life. But my friend made a very valid observation “the heart wants what it wants”. That phrase has been hard to ignore and not think about aside from our conversation.

“The heart wants what it wants” sure that is great and all but what if you don’t know what your heart wants. What if every breath you take you feel different, what if you are in your passions or talents or things you are good at and you just feel different each time because you feel like you are constantly changing and evolving, for the better but still evolving and what you want evolves and changes as you grow. I suppose that is what they mean when they say about being on the leading edge of existence? Maybe I finally reached there and just live happy in a moment regardless of what is manifesting knowing that any remotely negative feeling won’t and can’t last, not really when the wellbeing and joy we have access to is so abundant?

Anyway somehow the conversation became a discussion over fantasy and what happens when you live in a moment. I started to think, like in a story or show or whatever sometimes you just see or read a kiss that seems entirely perfect and sure you want to try it but actually doing it is different because recreating fantasy doesn’t always translate well to reality because you start to over think. They said “life isn’t perfect it is about making and enjoying the most of the imperfections” that really resonated with me. So I asked what their idea of a perfect kiss, and I don’t know what I expected the answer to be but it surprised me. At first there was the reaction of “I don’t know” until it was given a moment of thought and the result was so eloquent. “A passionate one I guess, that comes from her when she is just in love and lust with me and I can feel her feelings through her soft lips, but glue like strength that just comes from her like she never wants that moment to end wherever we are in the world.” I just thought, wow, I had never expected that to be an answer I suppose I expected a scene or scenario or something like that but no, this was an emotionally based response that just catches you in the feels and makes you think, “wow that’s kinda right,” the most perfect comes from knowing how you can just feel that person needs and wants you in their life and for them this moment is just as perfect.

I couldn’t help but remember Adrian and I’s first kiss, it was one of those sort of perfect ones. Where you just needed that kiss and that proximity, and I know I will get that kiss again, that feeling that it is the most perfect thing right in that moment. I guess it’s weird, but I think after hearing the answer I was giving it made that first kiss pale slightly, not because it wasn’t perfect at the time, but that I think now I am a different person and I wondered if I would find the kiss to be just what I needed right now. I get how time changes you, but I know I would probably just be as playful as I am. I know I might possibly be a little bit of an advocate of the kisses that surprise you mid-sentence when you are caught completely off guard, whether or not you initiated it and you forget what you were saying or thinking and the world just dissolves and you might even forget about breathing.

I think a first kiss puts you in a bit of a bubble, but I wonder how many first kisses we forget… like sure we remember the feeling of, but picturing it can be harder. A soft little peck or a full blown kiss, what is it we are more likely to forget. I mean it can be easy to forget some things, but how someone can make you feel is different. You either feel safe with someone or you don’t.

I suppose I am just ready to settle down a bit, even though I am still following dreams like they are the only thing I breath. I still kind of want to settle down a bit, build a few roots while I am pursuing the future.

Looks like learning to love myself is going well huh? I am slowly deciding what it is I want in my life again, for what feels like the millionth time, I am just trying to feel more consistently like an energy match to my desires. Wherever that leads.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11^th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

.: Entry Eighty-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker; I am ready to start loving myself. I am ready to be ok with being this awesome version of myself. If I am honest, I am wanting to rampage a little, to just bask in the feeling of becoming a happier, brighter, stronger person. I am ready to just enjoy me. A little self-love isn’t a bad thing. A little self-care isn’t a bad thing. Some girls go get their nails and hair done. Some find a way to accept themselves as they are. There are so many ways to love yourself from what you eat to what you wear.

Sometimes, for me it just takes a song to start the process, to start that feeling where your body just feels alive. Where you can just feel yourself raising your energy, just being consumed with something that speaks to your soul. When there is so much that you want to be. When there is this image in your head of who you want to be.

So who do I secretly want to be? The girl that gets what she wants. Unlimited. I want to be unlimited entirely. I want to be that girl who breaks the chains that bind her to where she is and just soar. I want to defy the gravity around me. I want to join the birds and be able to just ride the winds. Like that feeling sat in a park, when the sun is starting to set and the birds are flying through the air and you just have to sit and watch them. Just look upon the freedom they have and loose jealousy and let it turn into this complete admiration. Let that admiration turn to freedom. I want the freedom, I have the freedom, I can choose it at every chance and instead I am realise I had been choosing the chains.

I am free, I am so close to soaring, I can almost taste it. I can taste the chill of the air. I can feel the flooding in my lungs of the air I breath being that bit brighter and cooler and lighter and just pulling me up to be this other part of myself. I release my resistance to enjoying the truth of my new games that I am loving myself when I give myself the praise I crave. I need no longer rely on others opinions of me I am whole as I am.

Another of my little self-love training games, is as I am walking about my day, as I am doing something I begin to think and play a game. Top to toe I list every part of my body and praise its traits, like for example, my hair is awesome, I love how strong and supple it is, I love how it curls on its own, I love how easy it is to look after, I love how sexy and playful it is… that game goes on, and if I am interrupted I pick up where I left off. I am really enjoying this new game. It’s a great, fun game. I am going to add a new game very soon; all the things I love about myself in the non-physical orientation. A little self-love is going a long, long way. I feel like I am doing better at loving myself than I have ever before. I am applying my lessons and games; I am applying my knowledge bit by bit. Sound silly I know, sounds simple, like child’s play, but I think we forget a lot as we become adults. I think as adults we can sometimes forget that being happy is important.

Being an adult is just one of those things that we wished time away for and now we know what being an adult is like we want to go back, I suppose it’s how we forget its ok to have fun and happiness in the now. Like being able to have fun and be silly and be happy is wrong because as an adult all these expectations are placed on our shoulders and we don’t know how to balance fun with this professional life we are meant to have. The lives that we are told that we want. The existences we are told we should be striving for; power we should be striving to gain.

I call bullshit. The only thing we need to do is be able to still allow happiness in our lives in small insignificant moments without this voice in our heads demanding complete professionalism. Professionalism, the bane of adult existence, it is not a thing we are born knowing, it is something that we are taught to be, appropriate. Our behaviour is measured to be appropriate from a small age, so that we can conform and walk a well-trodden path. That is something strange, those that carve themselves a new path are called trail blazers for a reason. Made special or unattainable, made right or wrong by consensus. But those making the consensus don’t always want to acknowledge they could be pursuing their truth without looking back, without being afraid of the consequences of being different. It astounds me sometimes how many people choose misery. When choosing bliss and happiness is just as simple. It is just changing one thought for a better feeling thought and chasing the path of what feels good.

I’m not saying go on a killing spree because it feels good. I am saying choosing a good feeling thought that makes you feel better and going on from there just keep choosing that good feeling.

It sounds so simple? Because it is. It takes some practice, but practicing is fun. Practicing needn’t be work.

I suppose with my new games; I am hoping this self-love relationship with myself is going to work out right. I will be free from self-sabotage because I won’t doubt that I am worthy or good enough. I am good enough. I can do anything because…

My name is Elliot Parker and I am a deliberate creator and I am always getting better!

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11^th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

.: Entry Eighty-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker, and I feel like I am shedding myself again. I want to be someone else for a while, I want to escape into the whole of me. I want to enjoy the reality of who I am. I want to be ok with feeling the good and bad of myself. I want the bad to feel like nothing. I want the bad in me to be good, I want the good to be great, I want to lose all the resistance, all the things I used to think hold me back. Because at the end of the day I feel like I am out growing myself again.

I just feel like it’s time to embrace myself again, find a way to love myself again. Its wrong wording to say I am tired of waiting but I am sure there is a better phrase. Probably the best wording would be I am ready for my complete allowing, I am ready to enjoy my life. It’s been a while since I wrote here, it been a long old while and so much has changed and so little all at once.  I suppose it is safe to say, I am ready. I am ready for all the most wanted desires to flow easily and freely into my existence right now. I am ready to manifest a million dreams come true. I am ready to feel abundant. I am ready to feel love; I am ready to feel every wonderful thing I have been avoiding feeling for a while. I am ready to just exalt my spirit for a while, let it be present in the ecstasy it was born from. I am ready to just feel the connection with my higher self, the stronger self.

Adrian and I, we are just as distant and complicated and close to what I want. He might be able to get a job closer to me, by a few miles to say the least. But that’s the thing isn’t it, about love. It isn’t destroyed by distance, probably more so from neglect. But even with our on and off radio silence, its ok, I am still living life.

I’ve been thinking recently. Playing a game with myself “who do I love?” It’s not so much a trick as fixing some old habits. See for the last few years my answers would start with Adrian and eventually end in myself. That is what I have been changing I ask myself the question “who do I love?” That is when I say my answer, but my first answers must be conscious, so I am changing it slowly so the answer begins with myself and then I can list the names, it’s taking time. I suppose it can be hard to learn to love yourself after you neglect the only relationship that is with you between birth and death- the relationship with yourself. Well I am fixing that, I am trying to show myself a little love at every chance. I want to live a happy life.

My name is Elliot Parker and I think it’s funny that it has to be a conscious choice to push for and pursue a happy life. Some people do it naturally, some learn it, others never even know that it is an option to just exist in moments where you just feel like something beyond yourself.

Have you ever just had a knowing like typing with your eyes closed because you know where all your keys are. Have you ever just had a knowing that you can tell a misspelling with your eyes closed, it’s a s strange feeling to be able to do something so naturally and as easy as breathing, something you can do without thinking about it, without each movement being a conscious decision. That is exactly what happiness should be. Something that you don’t have to think about, something that you don’t have to make a conscious decision to be. That idea just feels beautiful. Learning to love yourself can be harder, at least at times it feels like it.

There’s that saying, if I remember rightly it sort of goes along the lines of you have to love yourself before you can love someone else truly. But I think it does disservice because you can love others and hate yourself, it just ends with self-sabotage. But that is not all I am thinking. I am getting to that thought on the tip of my tongue, I can love myself and be ok with putting how I feel first, then I can love others. It is a disservice to learn to love yourself so you can learn to love others how they want. I think that learning to love yourself puts you in a position where their love has less of a hold over you. Like, it isn’t meaning less, but it is less prominent, less the be all and end all. It is a truer freedom to be able to survive without others to love and focus on.

That’s a sort of truth I hadn’t considered. It is easier to love someone else than to love yourself. That is how and why we get caught up in loves outside of ourselves. But I am coming to the conclusion that the internalising of love is for the best, for me at least. I think learning to love the good and bad of me will give me the freedom I am yearning for. I always find myself yearning from freedom. Wanting to shed my life, shed some old version of myself, shed some out dated version of who I thought I was, who others assume me to be.

Part of me thinks, that if I love myself it means that I will be shedding the chains that are twisting around me, if I love myself the importance of others love or fascination with me will be meaningless, I will feel endlessly better than holding myself worth in another’s perception of me. I am good enough. I am worthy.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11^th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q