.: Entry Thirty Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker and I am a deliberate creator.

Right now, I don’t know what I am creating. I don’t know what it is that I am wanting in this given moment, other than inspiration.

I am hoping that inspiration will come. I am knowing that inspiration will come, I will know what I want to talk about.

So Clover and I are still talking. It still feels strange. It feels neither satisfying nor comfortably natural anymore. I feel like every message she sends about seeing signs feels like she is forcing it. But I am not sure. It could be that my responsiveness to signs from the universe has faded for a while. Her boy, for lack of a better word, obsession or perhaps you could call it a very concentrated focus, well it is frustrating. I noticed I am much less receptive to hearing about the boys she talks to. It sounds horrible but I just feel less receptive to what I am uncertain about. I said last time that I am giving the situation with Adrian up to the universe. I could feel the struggle and resistance in my vibration with him. Things seemed to be much more under the microscope about Adrian when I talk to Clover because the only thing she is really enthusiastic about discussing is boys. So I can see how the resistance just seemed to multiply. My attention was focused entirely on what was absent, what was bothering me wildly about him. So that is what I was attracting. Not what I wanted, but the absence of it. The same could be said for winning the lottery. But you can appreciate the understanding.

I want to give up the resistance. I want to allow myself the tapping into the magic of the universe. To do that, the easiest way to access that allowing feeling is being appreciative. To appreciate the thing that you are wanting to draw to you. To appreciate generally, the bliss and joy of nature, the small tiny things and appreciating them, like the birds that fly and how they fly. To allow the appreciation to flow freely. To allow the inspiration and guidance to just be, to let that guide you safely to what you want to appreciate now. Doesn’t it just feel good to bask in the appreciation of those little things? Yes.

I want to feel that same feeling good basking joy when I look upon things that perhaps holds a bit of resistance, whether a little or a lot. Clover or Adrian are a great example.

There was a time, a while ago, when I found a way, of quiet and peace and meditative focus where I found myself in a place where I attracted what I desired, I thought perhaps it took a long time, but I didn’t understand what it was that I was doing so when it came, I felt panicked. Because however receptive and inspired I was, I panicked because while I was up to speed with my desire, while I was up to speed with the manifestation, I still held and wasn’t able to see my fear as resistance. It was a momentary fear of not wanting to be hurt again. But I could have had all that I wanted if I had just taken hold of that manifestation, marvelled in it, enjoyed it and made it my own in every way. So now what do I want? Not a second chance for that manifestation to happen the same way so that I recognised it. But to happen again in a way that I know what I am on the cusp of, to know what I am receiving and manifesting. To hold it in a place of pure positive energy and certainty. I didn’t recognise it the first time it came around, the next I will. I didn’t know or understand what it was that I was bringing into my experience. At the time, I didn’t know or understand that I am a deliberate creator. But I am. I can do amazing things.

I know I am now up to speed with the desire, so much so that the blips outside of allowing, where I am resistant, I am honing my desire. I am growing the specific-ness of my desire. I know what I want. I know I am allowing what I want in my life. I give up the struggle and the battle. I give up the deception of control. I give up the resistance. I am allowing and giving in to my alignment. What I am wanting is inevitable, I am worthy, I am happy, I am giving up the struggle. If it is in my highest good and I am in alignment with that it will make itself known to me in a way that it will be entirely unmistakable. It is struggle free. It is understood. It is a happy hello to my own alignment. It is a happy hello to the manifestation.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I know that I am in the receiving mode. I know that I am in the fun and relaxing place, the point of attraction for the receiving mode.

These are the words that have been just out of my grasp for the last few days but I know, I know that these are the words I have been in eager anticipation of. I feel pretty damn good. I feel like the impulse I received last night to just share something with someone because I knew it would be something that they would like, and it got a response, a brief one but a response. That is what I had wanted to manifest for the last couple of days. I know the elements in the universe are joining me co-operatively. The co-operative components of the universe are conspiring to bring about what it is that I am desire. The better that I feel, the more that I allow, and boy am I allowing!

.: Entry Thirty-One :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Right now, I don’t know how I feel.

I am very aware that I had come to terms with losing one of my best friends to an emotionally abusive parasite. Since that argument, there has been only silence from that corner of my life. That’s not to say there was no missing for the companionship. But the best friends thing, that is sort of a no. I don’t think that there is the trust there for that level of friendship anymore.

I am only discussing this for one reason. Somehow she has orbited my existence again, Clover sent me a message the other day. Asking about going to go and see something, sort of odd. It was a TV psychic’s show. But, well to me that screams the person is a fraud to some degree. I don’t know how I can put my finger on it. When I saw the message in my inbox, I felt surprised for sure. But I don’t think I felt the elation that some people have when someone they cared about makes a reappearance. If I am honest, the first thing I wanted to do was get things off my chest. The social media slams, the inappropriate messages to my ex. I wanted to get it off my chest and into the open that I knew she was dragging my name through the mud. And I wanted her to know, I am well aware that this wasn’t the first occasion.

I got the response I expected. Initial denial. Presented with proof. Reluctant agreement but no apology.

Whatever.

It’s funny. Getting my inner rant, my inner source of rant material exposed was a little cathartic. But I still didn’t feel better about her talking to me. I wanted to feel better, the conversation was becoming a large source of resistance, as had the silence and the ending of the friendship. It was all rather uncomfortable. I took a few minutes, ignoring the conversation window, I decided that more than anything I wanted to feel good. I want to make choices, have experiences and manifestations that make me feel good. And the anger that I still held for Clover was the opposite of feeling good.

Honestly, I talked myself into feeling better by going general with my appreciation. The blue sky. The birds tweeting and flying. Very general good feeling thoughts. I found the blanket of emotion and vibrational energy change, it sort of felt like a turbulent sea calming to a gentle ebb. The flow of opposing energy became quietened.

It was then that I came back to the conversation, maintaining that quiet soft energy. It was there that I declared my intentions. That I don’t want to be pissed off. I don’t want to be in the receiving of the negative energies that had belonged around the situation. More than anything, I want to be happy, and that is exactly what I am going to be. That is my focus. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. Every thought. I want to be dedicated to feeling that better feeling thought, to raising my energy. I am putting away whatever angst there is around the friendship. With that I want the friendship to be entirely positive, or I should say, focused in a positive and happy place.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I want to be happy. I was going to write “My name is Elliot Parker, and I don’t want to be angry anymore.” But that wording, I knew I could write it better. I want to attract happiness into my life.

So yesterday, well, I got a surprise invitation from Clover, a trip to go and get lunch.

I wasn’t sure about saying yes. I wasn’t sure I was ready. But the olive branch was there. And it would be interesting.

She told me a few things that I already knew thanks to mutual friends… and her ex. Some drama for certain.

Lunch went ok. Eventually my vibration eased from uncertainty and caution to calm. We began to discuss what had been happening since the rift. The excitements and so forth. It was good. I even might have sort of confessed- ish, about my attraction to Jonas.

It was sort of awkward. I suppose that was inevitable. Things have been pretty rough.

But one thing that had interested me. The perception, the way it had been worded, I seem to have been misled by Adrian. He messaged Clover first. He initiated the conversation that I found inappropriate. It makes me curious why.

Mind you his behaviour now is nothing out of the ordinary. He has gone away for work again, as per usual the weeks leading up to it the conversation slowed, so much that it becomes a stagnant puddle with the very occasional ripple. Now he is away, well sometimes I wonder if blood from a stone would be easier.

It was interesting though, I made a flippant comment that maybe I will find “the one” and settle down. She said that I already had. She is still so very sure that Adrian is the one, but he is just acting like an idiot at the moment, and has been for a while I might add. When I made the comment, I had another voice in my head, another face in my thoughts, of course there were giant question marks surrounding them. There was once a time where the only person who would have appeared in my mind’s eye was Adrian. But now? Now I am not so sure. The thing is, I am acknowledging something that I never understood or acknowledged when we were together, I am worthy of being treated with love and respect and kindness. Without question. So perhaps his face didn’t appear because there is never the consistency of the good feeling thoughts in relation to him. It could be that the only reason that the other faint question of another appeared was because they are an up lifter. They make me smile just with their name, feel at ease with hello. That’s the thing isn’t it? We are worthy of the love we deserve but are unwilling to ask for. We are worthy of the one that will make us feel happy, feel at home with. Adrian in the past has made me feel like that. So whatever happens with him is out of my hands.

I relinquish all efforting thought and desire regarding Adrian to the universe.

My name is Elliot Parker. I know that there is an abundance of happiness and joy in my experience.

.: Entry Thirty :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I should be angrier than I am. I should be livid. I feel deceived, this room with the books, it was all his doing. It was all his creation.

“You hate me don’t you?” His words punctuate my thoughts.

“I can’t hate you, even when I try and you know that.”

“Are you mad?”

“You know that you asking that is normally the thing that makes me mad. That’s that thing you do.”

“Elliot, what are you thinking.”

“When I said I love you, I meant it, I still mean it. When I said always I meant exactly that. But this, seeing you like this and hearing what you can’t or won’t say in the real world, that is not enough. This needs to have real world consequences.”

“I can’t promise that, I am standing in my own way.”

“You need to sort that out, it is not fair that you and I both know what we want, it is not fair that we both want the same thing ultimately. But I am tired of being the only one willing to pursue that. You need to meet me halfway, at least.”

“I want to.”

“I know that, I know. But this has to have some consequence in the real world. You are the one who insisted we stayed friends. You are the one who keeps us in each other’s orbits. I know this is stupid. It is stupid that I have to say this to you. My friends who have barely any idea of the complications of what goes on with us, they say that you still have feelings for me, that you aren’t over me. I already know that, I read it in you. And yet I have always been the one who made the first move to reconcile arguments to sort things out, I have always tried my best. But you not meeting me half way reinforces the feeling that I had that I was never good enough.”

“That’s not true.”

“I know that. I know that I am good enough. I am worthy. I am standing here, in this created place where we can talk openly and you still want me to jump through the hoops and wait forever. I love you. I do, always. But I need you to meet me half way in the real world. I am tired, so tired of this. Of knowing what I want, knowing that what I want is what you want and yet nothing ever changes. It is time for the real world to change.”

“I want to try.”

“Then try. Meet me halfway. I don’t care that you are following your career and working away. I care that we want the same thing but we can’t work on that if we aren’t working as a team.”

I feel the twist in my stomach. His expression reads hurt. I know I am asking the impossible of him. His conscious self will stand in his way and he will be fighting the stubborn unyielding self. The man standing in his way. I have tried and tried. And now I feel like it is time to just let go of everything I have asked for and let it just happen. To stop beating the drum of what is.

I am done with what is. I am ready for the things that I want. I am letting this struggle go, the struggle with myself, the struggle with him.

If it is in my highest good, if I am vibrationally aligned with this desire it will manifest.

There is nothing that I need to do, I just have to appreciate the knowledge that I have, that I know. Things are always getting better.

“We are a team. We always have been. I am always going to be here for you.” I am sure of every word. I know that he knows what I am saying is true.

“You always are, whenever I need you, I know that you are there.” His expression has softened. He looks less hurt. I just hope that he understands and remembers the truth of the dream when he wakes up.

“Please, just let this have real world consequences, let’s just enjoy the becoming of the both of us working together, being a team again. I am certain that I am ready, I am ready for us, I am ready for us to enjoy every little detail of all that is and all that we are when we are together.”

“Even if I ask you wait for me, to sort out the work side of things.”

“If you ask me for what you want, and you don’t stand in your own way at all… Ask and it is given.”

“Ask and it is given?”

“Always.” I can’t help but take a deep breath here, the smell of the room is fading and I can smell him. I can smell the softness of his skin. His proximity. The feel of his hands taking my own. The proximity of how close his body is to mine. His eyes smiling in the way I know the words behind that look, that is his “I love you” look, the words that are behind the eyes that he doesn’t say. I know I have him, I know I have his heart and his love and I know that I look after him in a way no one else seems to be able to do, or has done. I know the love I give him, the nurturing and unconditional love he receives from me is something he doesn’t know the depth of. I love him unconditionally and whole heartedly. He knows it, he might not actively realise it or understand it. But he knows it, that I am always here. I love him. He knows that. That’s the thing, the future we can have, it is real, it has been asked for from the universe. The universe has already said yes. It is just all a question of alignment. Right?

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.: Entry Twenty-Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Tonight is the night. I arrived in the room that transforms into the flurry of books and stories. I finally get to see Adrian Kraig. After a few notes passing between dreams, tonight will be the night that I see who has access to my special room.

Somehow, even in another world, another consciousness, I am nervous. I mean, Adrian can get into this room. I wonder what books he looks at; what worlds he chooses when he is here?

I can feel myself falling into the dream, slowly. It’s familiar and reassuring as the wallpaper peels, the floor rumbles, the floorboards reveal the shelves and the books, the cases and the gorgeous books and did I mention the books?

I’m alone in the room, I don’t think I’m early, could I be late? I mean, well it works different here, it might not even be possible. The knot in my stomach grows, I know I shouldn’t dare open a book and go into another world. Instead I decide to find somewhere to sit down. Somewhere comfortable.

I find a little nook between a few of the book cases and manifest myself a few cushions to prop myself up. I run my fingers lazily over the covers of the books, itching to head back to see what happens next for the stowaway girl, but I know I can’t, I have to wait.

I can’t tell how time is really passing, but it feels long, and I didn’t realise it was possible to feel bored in a dream.

“I’m sorry I’m late. Elliot, are you here?” I can hear the voice in the room. It snaps me from the bored daze I had settled in. I feel like I know the voice. Like a distant memory, as I haul myself up from the cushions I find the response pass my lips, “Yeah I’m here.”

I am on my feet and this is it, the nerves twist in my stomach. I come from the little nook and into the clearest floor space.

I know Adrian. I mean, not from the dream world, from the real world. Adrian’s face, his voice, Adrian Kraig is not Adrian Kraig.

I would know Adrian Ferisle anywhere. I’ve been lied to. And he doesn’t seem remotely surprised to see me.

“Elliot.”

“You lied”

“Kraig is my mother’s maiden name.”

“You lied.” I feel like an echo. Like that is seriously all I can say?

“Elliot I am sorry.”

“Why?”

“Would you have agreed if you had known? Would you have still come here if you knew?”

“No… Yes… No, I don’t know. You lied to me.”

“I wanted somewhere that was ours, a safe place where we could reach each other.”

“So you created this room?”

“Yes. And brought you here. I’m sorry. There is just so much that I want to say, that I can’t say not consciously. It is stupid I know but you know me better than I probably know myself, I get in my own way, all the time.”

“Especially with me.”

“Exactly. You and I both know, I really fucked us up.”

“You don’t need me to confirm that. You don’t need me here.”

“I do. I want us to talk. I want us to talk in a way that I can’t mess it up by shutting down.”

I want to walk away. There is nowhere to walk to. The words are out before I can catch them. “Have you learned nothing by now?”

“What do you mean?”

“When we are together, hanging out, I can read you. I can read everything you are not saying and I give you a chance to say it and you never do.”

“You know I don’t believe that you can read people.”

“But you know I am right.”

“You always are.”

“So why here, why bring me here?”

“I want a way that we can speak, to be connected, to be together while I’m away.”

“Will you even be able to remember this in the consciousness?”

“I think it sort of becomes a dream that I can’t always remember.”

“You know I remember?”

“I am counting on it. I need you to know.”

“I already do. You betray yourself all the time. A look, a comment, a message, a smile, a pause when you think it but don’t say it. You told me you would never tell me that you love me. But you never anticipated that I read it in you. In the way your gaze softens and your smile twitches when I am reading it in you. It’s like you know already that I know.”

“I do, though, you know that right?”

“You can’t even say it now can you?”

“I didn’t know I needed to.”

“It wouldn’t hurt to hear.”

“It would. My conscious self, I will get in my own way. The conscious me, believes we can’t be together because he can’t give you what you want, what you deserve.”

“He can, if he really wants to”

“He’s not good enough for you. I am not good enough for you.”

“I have never, not once thought that.”

“I know. But my feeling of unworthiness, my feeling of not being able to give you what you want-”

“But you know I want you.”

“I know; I want you too. You have no idea.”

“I do; you keep forgetting that I know you.”

“The me that you see before you now? Or the me in the real world?”

“Both.”

“Elliot, I might not ever find the way to say this in the real world. But I do love you. You know that right?”

“I always have. Adrian, even here, you still haven’t learned to read me have you?”

“I don’t think I will ever be able to read you, you surprise me, all the time. The things you say, the ideas you have, the things you say when you are tired and you don’t worry about what you say, if it will be awkward or offensive and you just say what is on your mind. You are a surprise. A constant surprise. Do you hate me for this? For this dream?”

“Haven’t you learned anything at all? I can’t hate you, even when I try. I am a bit pissed off, but I can’t say that I hate you.”

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