.: Entry Ninety-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker, and yes, you read that right, I am in a relationship, I have a boyfriend! It’s official, Dyl and I are officially together and I couldn’t be happier. I hadn’t mentioned it because I wanted to get the whole Clover thing out of my system some more before I revealed the thing that has had me so happy. But Clover is well… Clover.

I know, I know, it was sort of inevitable, what with that almost magnetic attraction. Over the last couple of months, we have spent a lot of time together, and I mean A LOT of time together. He just makes me naturally happy there is no effort involved it is just that instant happy feeling even just thinking about him. He makes me happy and doesn’t have to do anything. He is on my mind a tonne; it just feels good. I met his mum and dad, they are lovely and so wonderful so it’s no surprise he is as lovely as he is. The quirky expressions while we are at work and can’t really talk, the smiles and the winks, it’s just that impossible to ignore attraction. Yeah you read that right at work. I mean, yes we are professional no making out in the halls, we have been trying to keep it a secret but it seems that secret is out, those in the know, know. I guess it was inevitable and I suppose it explains why a couple of people are being nicer and slightly more smiley with me. It’s like, yes I know you know, but no I will not ever discuss that part of my life with you sort of feeling. Harsh or fair it doesn’t matter; I haven’t been close with them before I won’t be now. I am guessing a few people know that we don’t even know about but that is ok. A couple of people I don’t mind the odd talk with, but even then I won’t be talking about anything incredibly personal with them.

I am quite lucky, we try to see each other once a week which I know is a lot more than I used to see Adrian even when we were together and I know I pretty much was used to that, but with Dyl, it can sometimes just feel not enough I would happily spend every day with him just in his company.

I know I mentioned Adrian, there is a reason for that, he has been trying to be very friendly recently, even inviting me to his birthday party, the thing is, I didn’t feel comfortable going. Mainly because I would rather keep my free time open for Dyl and spending time with him and talking to him. I get that we are friends, but, things feel weird. Especially as Clover seems to have no intention of supporting the relationship with Dyl, not in the way that matters. Clover and I had been talking in small amounts and finally I snapped a bit after her “oh ok” and “cool” lack of supportive responses, I’d basically had enough so I asked her out right.

“Do you have an issue with Dyl?” I asked, it was just the annoyance of dead, flat, uninterested responses. I can’t be blamed for finally having enough of this sodding attitude.

“I don’t know the guy so don’t have an issue.” I got sent back so I just shrugged it off while she carried on typing until she hit send. “You know me I am team Adrian unfortunately but no I don’t have an issue with Dyl!! I want you happy.” Part of me doubts that last bit. The thing is, I think, ultimately she wants me to be hanging on her every word about all the boys she has sniffing around her looking for a scrap here and there. That is not happy making. I know it is about to sound hypocritical, but, there is more to life than boys and I know it may not seem like I think like that given how I write here but I do have goals and dreams and things I want to do and achieve without the impact and importance of a relationship or boyfriend. My boyfriend is a welcome, happy bonus to my life; support and comfort and happiness on the path to whatever it is I am desiring and pursuing in my life. A relationship is not the all-consuming be all end all in life, a relationship is a bonus wonderful aspect of life to accompany life, to give it a brighter more enjoyable facet.

“Dyl makes me happy so I am very much team Dyl, it feels relaxed and easy and he seems happy with me too.” She promptly changed the topic onto something about her. If I am to be honest I am not entirely surprised by her attitude. Dyl is a threat to her view that getting back with an ex when it seems impossible being a reason to hold on and cling to that ideal. Truth be told I just find it annoying. I mean, I think it is going to take her a long time to adjust to the new happy me, the me that past problems aren’t as big of a deal which as harsh as it sounds, means we do have a lot less to talk about.

Honestly I do feel completely at ease with being myself around Dyl in every way, we both just are our most authentic selves around each other and we just fit together. We just get along in a way I didn’t ever expect was possible. He is all the things I never knew I wanted, and many of the things I needed. Someone who wants me as much as I want them. I like feeling very sure and clear and happy. I guess I am just very lucky… That or I am a brilliant deliberate creator, which is probably the truth, given that I need to work more on the deliberate part.

.: Entry Ninety-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker and yes Clover was still thinking about that status and what people were saying about her because of it.

Safe to say I kind of had enough of it. She said she wasn’t happy and I told her that she has a choice in what she thinks. She didn’t like that much because her response was “I don’t think you get it, it’s not NICE for me!” Well, that was the last straw of my patience of this. I snapped and no I am not proud but even though I would have loved to cut her a new one for it I tried to be firm but fair while I stood up for myself. “I know you’re not happy, do you think it makes me happy when you post statuses like that about me?” After the many times she had done exactly what that woman is doing to her to me she now had the nerve to act clueless. I wasn’t going to shy away from the point I wanted to make this time, like I had before. “I know you have done it, people have sent me screen shots and proof and I have called you out on it before especially with that whole thing about that abusive twat that you chose.” Her response did her no favours, “that’s different, were you called a dirty little slapper, nope!” (no Clover, but you’ve called me a slut in a roundabout way before because I don’t have to be in love [or obsessed] with someone to sleep with them… but that is beside the point.)

I responded quite shortly given how annoyed I was; I didn’t want to deviate from the point or give any idea that I condone her behaviour. “No I was called a shit friend etc,” she didn’t like me still refusing to budge on my stance. Her response “I’d rather be that, its 100 times better sorry. Better that than a dirty little slapper or a girl who wants to get in every boys pants it’s all lies and fabrications.” Of course I took that to mean she thinks every time she does those statuses she is saying the gods-honest-truth. So I messaged her a thumbs up emoji with “ok so I’m a shit friend” good to know these things isn’t it. Like seriously, does she not even realise what she is saying, that it’s ok for her to post those statuses and have those effects on people as long as they don’t do it to her. She can make everyone else feel as shit is right now, but she doesn’t want any of her own medicine!

She didn’t like my sarcastic but clearly very loaded response. “What are you even talking about? I love how I am having a real shit time not happy at all and yet you want to turn it round on to you something from the past? Erm ok, clearly I’ve missed something here. You want to know if I think you’re a shit friend? No I don’t think you’re a shit friend at all.” Oh but it’s ok to post that publicly across all social media and say all other kinds of things calling me all kinds of things she backs down from when I confront her about because she knows its utter b.s. hmm… double standards much?

So I took my time to make sure I was toning down what I said to be sensitive to her and fair and still stand my ground. “No I want you to accept that she is doing what you’ve done to me and you don’t seem to have any empathy about the consequences of how you make people feel. The fact that you feel this shit about what people are saying about you and that woman isn’t even your best friend.” Which was the point I wanted to make, she feels that shit about someone she isn’t even close to, she thinks its ok to act like that because she feels victorious as a victim and isn’t held accountable for how she acts.

“I’m sorry but this isn’t about you, no she isn’t my best friend.” Well, I haven’t exactly sent her a message or spoken to her since, I have had enough by that point and I walk away. I’ve put her on mute for a while, at the moment its set for a week. She probably sees it as a victory like she is right and I should be the one ashamed of my behaviour. I’m not at all, I am proud that I remained honest and true to myself and was as fair and kind to her as I could be while being firm. Honestly I screenshotted the conversation and sent it to her baby daddy to keep him in the loop so he knew exactly what was said, and what she had implied, he has his little one to think about. I sent him a bit of a long old message.

“I am sorry but I am taking a break from Clover drama. I am sorry to leave you to it with her but I tried to rein myself in and be as fair as I could to her while being as honest as I could without setting her off. I am sorry but I need a break from the stream of negativity, constant boy drama about Sam, Sam, Jamie etc, I can’t keep up and I can’t be a good friend right now if everything I say is constantly being ignored or belittled or it doesn’t fit in with what she wants to hear. I tried being patient but she has pushed too far today and I just want to be happy and enjoy my new relationship without being made to feel bad about it. I am trying to change my life to what I want it to be in terms of writing and a steady income and a possible future with someone who makes me happy, and I think perhaps I need the distance from her so that I can do that without risking things. I am sure that she will be fine and that you will be too, just keep an eye one the little one if Clover has gone on another one of her spirals, she is an intuitive kid, and I know you will have her back.”

His response “yeah, that is probably for the best, just focus on you x”

.: Entry Ninety-Four :.

My name is Elliot Parker and I am doing my best. I am trying so hard to be an understanding person, to have grown and moved forward, but sometimes my little halo slips a little…

You know that song Kill Em with Kindness? Well I think I snapped. Not in a bad way strictly, more in the sense of if I don’t say something I will kill Clover kind of way. We’re kind of in a bit of a fight. She is up at her nans at the moment, that doesn’t mean we nerves and buttons don’t get pushed. Basically for days all I have heard about is some woman (the mother of one of her friends) posting a status on social media. She didn’t use Clover’s name… but what she said… well its caused a bit of a stir. Basically she posted a status along the lines of a type of girl… I mean there’s nothing stopping me writing it here is there?

“Certain girls are amusing me, you know what I mean the kind of girls who: has to be everyone’s friend on here, will like every status, will comment b.s. like “I’m here for you hun” etc, a really loyal friend who… searches on your friends lists and adds all your boy mates, starts sending messages to your fella and claim it was them, the second you split from your fella she’s straight round to him, oh and the first boy that reacts to her she begins a full out relationship (in her head) if they speak more than once she will be in love, she stalks them, when they realise they back off and she is heartbroken and everyone has to hear over and over and over how she has been used… if you hand it to them on a plate they will probably take it…. the girl that the only quality a guy needs for you to fancy them is a pulse”

What a harsh thing to say, but, the thing about stalking a guy or hearing over and over about her obsession with them, it’s not 100% untrue. That was about four or five days ago… give or take, and that was the only thing she was willing to talk about. No matter how many times you tried to bring up a positive conversation or topic, it was her new obsession. I said to her “I think, if they haven’t got the balls to say it to your face rather than play a victim all over social media than that is a prime example.” When I wrote that I was honestly thinking “you’ve done this to me before and now someone is doing it to you. Will you even see the connection?” Apparently not. Because when someone does those statuses it is anything but a reflection of you, it is their own guilt and insecurity reflected back to them… it is not you, it is their vibration.

She had the balls to say “it’s like they are trying to provoke a response so they can be the victims and I am the attacker, this is basically bullying.” I just wanted to stick a mirror in front of her. Sure I write here in my diary but that is exactly what this is, a diary. So, anyway, I responded to that comment as calmly and controlled as I could. “To be honest, whenever it has happened to me I take a break from the relationship with whomever is involved and I refocus my life onto what I want. It is easier and feels better to focus on happiness without a reminder of negativity. It gives concentration and drive to make dreams and decisions about what you want to come into your life in an easy way.” Which is something I do try to do. To be completely honest, that is what I have started doing again. I took out the notebook, wrote down a short list of things that interests me, and said to myself, “ok, this stuff makes you happy, relaxed or smile… let’s do more of that whenever we can. Let’s focus on being happy and let’s look at dreams we want to come true and start taking small bites out the big task to making them come true, one little success at a time!”

The next day same topic of the broken record she wouldn’t change. I tried to be sympathetic… she has it in her head it is because her cousin is trying to date her friend’s ex they are aiming so much of that status at her, she wanted to tell the cousin to either hurry up and lock him down or leave him alone because it is causing her trouble. I said it was a big ask because it was. She seriously asked her cousin to either hurry up and get with someone even if you’re not sure and need to take your time or end the relationship prematurely without finding out if it had a future, that is kind of a cruel thing to ask.

A little while later Clover implied she was looking at how to overdose on her medication, what an overreaction, how insensitive can you get? Your sort of brother in law died at his own hand earlier in the year and you think that form of trying for attention is appropriate? It was cold. I had enough, I was getting to that point in a conversation when you want to rip someone’s head off because they can’t see exactly what they are doing because they are trying to get attention constantly about the same thing. She has too much time on her hands. I am not just saying that just because I am feeling a time shortageness.

A few hours later she pipes up again and pretends to ask how things are before she uses it as a platform to say she is “thinking”. Three guesses to what she was thinking about…

.: Entry Ninety-Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I am frustrated with Clover; some things never change huh? I know it can be stupid, the energy that gets spent being frustrated or annoyed by her behaviour. I suppose that just means that I know what I don’t want and she is one source of consistent clarity. Although that doesn’t exactly sound flattering either.

So why am I frustrated this time? Well, you see, I don’t mean to sound like a jerk or insecure about this, but it is just an observation that has been highlighted a lot recently. She has been very reluctant to show any support or interest in the way things are going with Dyl. It seems the happier I am with him, the more time I spend with him, the less she wants to be part of a day to day conversation. So we talk a lot less. On the rare occasion I do pipe up and say that I am happy or when I am with her and get a message from Dyl you can see her turning sour. She will either ignore it or bring up Adrian as in a “what about Adrian?” kind of question like what about him?

Sometimes it seems as though she sees me moving on and sees it as a threat to her feelings and her obsession with her ex and trying to get him back. Like it threatens her plans, her dreams of them getting back together. I suppose she is wanting me to do the same as her and wait for Adrian to finally decide that he wants me. I don’t want to live that way, and unlike her opinion it doesn’t lessen how I felt about him or negate it. I am simply choosing me; I am choosing being happy. It is me choosing to stop hurting myself waiting for something to happen that wasn’t going to happen, if it was, it would have happened a long time ago, when I took those risks. If it was going to happen it would have. So yes I am not torturing myself over it. Now I am happy in so many ways, and she is trying to chain me back up to pain and I am not playing the game. She is pushing for the past to try to make it relevant.

It’s sad to realise that she probably won’t ever support me with anyone but Adrian. It shows her that there is a life after heartbreak, it’s less to do with Dyl, less to do with me, but everything to do with her. There is no point taking her lack of support up as an issue with her, I would be better off just enjoying being happy and showing her that happiness is something I really care about and I am responsible for it. I am showing her it is ok to move on. When it comes to Clover, I could tell her until I am blue in the face and it would make no difference, but if I show her, eventually she realises its ok and she tries to do the same.

Maybe in return, I have shown pretty much no interest in whatever boys she is now talking to and flirting with, I can’t keep up anymore. I don’t want to keep pretending like I know or understand who she is talking about all the time, I can’t keep track of who she is flirting with. It’s hard and impossible to win. She is doing what makes her happy, distracting herself. I just want to see her move on and be happy.

I know my frustration with her is purely selfish. I am happy I want to share and shout to the world just how happy I am. It has almost become the natural default. I like that, it feels good to be inspired to just feel good and enjoy the happiness, although it makes my productivity pretty low. I wish that wasn’t the case. But at the moment, I have barely done anything I was meant to do for weeks. My ever long to do list has barely been touched. I think it might take some consistent thought, some kind of consistent ease, to push me towards managing to get what I want done. I think, probably, as of next week I need to be more careful with my choices and what I want to do. I can see the future weeks unfolding in a fun and easy way as I find a balance. If that means finding a better time and schedule to get things done, then it looks like I will do it. I need to make the most of my time and push the easiness of what I want to do and achieve. I can do it… I have to believe I can do it.

I know that there is potential for some amazing things to happen.

Like right now, a little secret, I can feel myself falling for Dyl. It’s like the thing that I have been missing has been filled in. It’s a natural fit. He makes me burst with excitement. I blush uncontrollably. I can’t help but smile when it comes to Dyl. He is in some ways the person I want to be and become, the naturally happy person I am learning to be. A perfect manifestation, a confirmation of every joy that I am becoming. Someone who accepts and embraces my embarrassing self. Someone who brings out my more affectionate side, someone who makes me soft and gentle and so sentimental it is at times like someone else has taken over me. Perhaps that someone else is just that person I am when I am happy, he brings out the happiness in me with nothing more than a smile. So I suppose I am also falling in love with the person I am becoming, the person that he brings out in me, the hopeful and happy me. He brings out the best in me.

.: Entry Ninety-Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker and recently I have been spending more time with Dyl. That hasn’t come without issues though. None of those issues come from Dyl.

I know I have been a bit more distant with Adrian. But with that distance comes issues of its own. He sent me a message the other day about going on that weekend away for a pampering and I realised I didn’t feel comfortable going if the expectation of me was for sex. I know I shouldn’t look at him, about the trip like that. But it brings about its own issues. So anyway I called him when he asked to try to sort out the date and such and he got a bit distracted that I was on my way out for dinner after work and wouldn’t be able to call him when I got back because of the time difference. I got a text a few minutes later after hanging up, that it sounded like I was going on a date. So it wasn’t really a date in the strictest terms, I was going to see Dyl yes, but it was an on the fly “hey wanna come over for dinner tonight, I’m ordering Chinese” and we ended up watching a movie and we fell asleep.

I do care about Adrian, I do want him to be happy, I don’t want to hurt him. I asked him flat out where I stood with him before and he just responded with “just do what makes you happy”. Way for stuff I say to him to bite me on the ass, he was being evasive. That’s fine, but if that is the attitude he wants to take when I am asking him where I stand then I suppose I have my answer rather than take a chance. I am all about taking chances and risks and going for what I want. So I suppose my frustration has always been palpable when I know what I want I just go for it and enjoy it.

Ok back to it, so Adrian had sent the message about being on a date and I said it was dinner out, but I have been asked on a date and that I wanted to talk to him properly. He sort-of got a little defensive, like seriously, the friends with benefits situation is what he bloody well wanted. Except now, I don’t want the benefits if you catch my drift. It put me in a mood because that conversation felt like a hornet’s nest had been kicked. I mean I haven’t exactly talked to or messaged him since, it’s been like three days, which given his recent consistent increased messages up until that day was a bit weird. So I did just send a message asking how he is doing and how his coursework is going. His response? That he will call tonight (late afternoon/early evening for me). I’m not sure I will actually get that call though. I’m not sure what I will say.

I kind of feel like giving up, because no matter what I know that it won’t matter in the long run because whatever is meant to be will come about and there is nothing I need to do.

My name is Elliot Parker and spending that time with Dyl feels good. It feels relaxed like I can be my goofy self and it’s ok. I don’t have to try to be perfect or try to fit into someone’s image of me. I like spending time with Dyl. We try to fit time with each other in, although, that being said, we normally fit it around food which is ok.

So yesterday I agreed to a date after work sometime in the next few days. I’m kind of nervous, sounds stupid because I already know we get on pretty good, and he does seem to be a lovely gentleman to me. But a date-date. Like I need to wear something sort of nice, it is after work I know, but I still gotta put on something cute after work, I need to find an outfit that will work.

Truth be told, I have been trying to work out how I feel more often now, trying to focus on positives and work on knowing with clarity how I feel because I love how clarity feels. So yes, I have started writing letters, there is six at the moment, I know I’ve dated them, I keep them in a shoe box, in that shoe box is me trying to work out how I feel or a message about something that has happened in relation to Dyl and it is my new way of figuring myself out. I am trying to navigate these new feelings, rather than talk them through with girlfriends, there is only one I talk to for advice reliantly. I suppose I just hope those letters aren’t found and read, especially not by Dyl, not right now at least, could you imagine the awkwardness that that would bring?

Mind you at this rate, if things keep going well, I might need another writing set. I just thought it would be a good thing to do, for myself. I suppose I want to increase the positive happy stuff that makes me happy. Dyl keeps joking about finding and reading my diary, little does he know, he probably will never read this, the awkward diary of trying to navigate my emotions. The awkwardness of me trying to figure out this deliberate creation stuff.

I can’t wait to see what I end up manifesting next, I am enjoying the working things out part of deciding what I want to do, I am enjoying choosing what I want. I know where I want to be, what I want my impossible dreams to be. I am ready for impossible dreams to come true. I like how it feels, I like how I feel as a deliberate creator, I just wonder how I got here sometimes.