.: Entry Seventy-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker, the last three nights in a row, I have had some peculiar dreams. Peculiar as in ultra-realistic. By ultra-realistic I mean when I told Clover about them she said it sounded like a “prem dream” or “premonition dream”.

The dream started relatively normally, I remember getting ready for a night out with Clover and Hal. Heading into London on Halloween to see a show. So off I go to meet up with Clover and Hal at the train station to head into London together. I am the first there and I wait, the people are rushing by and Hal comes over to me, all smart in a familiar purple shirt. We chat for a couple of minutes and notice that Clover is late so we text her and she is on her way. We roll our eyes and carry on chatting. When Clover comes over I fire off a text to someone. Sawyer, a sort of friend from years ago. It’s all very weird to explain I guess. Anyway, so we head down to the platform and wait for the train chatting, we are excited. We get on the train, its packed and we are in a little huddle chatting. We get off when we get to Victoria. Sawyer is waiting for us, he was taking the spare ticket and I invited him to dinner with us before the show to kind of make it a bit less weird I guess. Sawyer and I had chatted on and off for a few years now, generally flirty if I am honest, it’s a flirty connection.

So off we go up the escalators all the way up to the food court and we end up in a restaurant Clover and I had tried before. We get seated at a table and Clover sits next to Hal and I end up on the inside of the booth seat and Sawyer plonks down next to me. So we chat politely and we order soft drinks and begin to chat thinking about the menu. I have what I call menu fog, too many choices. So I order the same thing Clover and I had ordered here last time. So there we chat and try to get a bit of conversation going, it’s still a bit weird with Sawyer and I am a bit shy. I mean, he is cute, and crush-worthy. We get chatting and Hal asks me how work is going. I smile and it’s something I can ramble on but I play it cool- ish, I don’t do well at cool. “Yeah its going ok, stats are up which is great.”

So there we are chatting and Sawyer goes “have you told front of house you are coming?” I sort of sit there a lot confused.

“Why would I do that?” I shrug.

“Well you could get the photo with the cast after the show, you know, because you’ve been in the press lately.” He said it so casually like he believed it.

“Isn’t that a bit weird though? It’s not like I am properly famous or anything.” I guess I felt a bit awkward.

“Well, you kinda are.” Clover teased.

“I’m not.” I insist.

“You are” Clover and Sawyer said at the same time. The starter arrived and our attention focused on the food. Which tasted good. Like really good.

So conversation died down while we sort of inhaled the starter. But chat soon resumed, it was my fault bringing up the topic, “the cast photo thing is a really possibility?” I ask Sawyer.

“Yeah, of course. Want me to have a word to front of house when we get there?” He asks.

“My inner nerd would be nerdgasming for a week…” He burst out laughing at me, so did Clover and Hal grinned at me. He had been on so many trips with me to things like this he knows my obsession with a signed program was pretty strong.

So conversation changes to the atmosphere, this show is notorious for a fantastic atmosphere on Halloween. When the mains arrived at the table we have relaxed into a sort of rhythm. A natural ebb and flow of conversation amongst ourselves. I felt a bump on my knee and noticed a leg against mine. I jigged my leg a little and the leg pushed against mine slightly under the table. Its Sawyers leg pressed against mine. I don’t quite know how to react so I take another sip of my drink. dinner is winding down and we are getting more and more excited about the show. We pay the bill and make our way back down the escalators. “Food coma is setting in” Clover jokes and I nod. I know the feeling its familiar. We make our slow meander across the station over to the theatre.

We got there and there was a huge crowd, we showed the tickets and got into the lobby. Sawyer disappeared for a minute and Clover, Hal and I got the programs and a couple of souvenirs. Sawyer approached with a front of house member and he checked our tickets. He asked if we wanted to change where we were sitting, but Clover and I had chosen these seats specifically so we declined. We went up the stairs and Sawyer and Hal waited for us while Clover and I went to the bathrooms. The tiny little stalls made it awkward and uncomfortable to use. Once we are done there we reapply our lip gloss and Clover goes to me, “I think Sawyer fancies you.” I just laughed and looked at her like she is crazy. We head up to the bar area and end up getting a couple of bags of sweets between us. For some weird reason I chose a bottle of water for during the show, now I know it’s not technically weird, but I usually get fizzy if possible. So anyway, we went and found our seats and the seats were in the exact right place that we had chosen online.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11^th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

.: Entry Seventy-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker, except it’s not. Not here at least, here I am Princess Ellainor Parkrovia. That name has so much responsibility. So much weight is on my shoulders, so many will be depending on me to make this union. Or so I am told. I will be the protector of my own kingdom. Alongside the man, that right now, I want to run away from. The man keeping me prisoner. He has constructed this illusion in the effort to keep me here. Trying to make me think we are somewhere impossible to run away from.

I suppose he wants to break me, maybe build a bond or whatever. I am not interested. The only thing I can think of is making sure the damn ritual never happens. If I kill him after the funeral I will be chained to him for an eternity in hell, it will take me down with him. It would take a whole small army to surprise attack him after the ritual in order to kill him.

At the heart of this, is one question… Can I even trust him? He lied to me. He had his crew lie to me. He controlled and manipulated me.

This time when he comes into the room I decide to smile. He eyes me suspiciously. I approach him softly, like I am looking at him for the first time. I guide him over to the chair by the window and sit on his lap for a minute and talk nonsense about how calming the waves were this morning. He plays along. He is still suspicious. He should be. I put my hand gently near his, on the arm of the chair. I take a little risk. I kiss him. Gently, giving the mask of shyness which he buys into. We keep kissing, before long his kisses lose their gentleness and tenderness and he becomes hungry. I decide to stop sitting on his lap and stand in front of him. He moves to get up but I lean over and kiss him gently luring him to sit back in the chair. I bite his lip for a moment. I snake silver chains from his pockets and they pin down his hands to the chair. He laughs taking it as a joke. It is my magic now pinning him there. This time when I kiss him I snake the gold chain he had tied me with, I send it down his legs tying his ankles to the chair.

I straighten myself up.

“Why lie?” I ask.

“You will have to be more specific” he growls. I study him, he isn’t even bothering with a mask.

“I know where we are.”

“I wanted time with you, I had hoped we could fix things and it wouldn’t be a sword point wedding on your part.” I glare at him. He doesn’t stop talking, “perhaps I might have made the mistake in thinking the sword point will have to be at your throat. Perhaps I should just press the blade to your parents, the king and queen.” Seriously, does he have any morals, did he ever have any morals? What did I even think I saw in him?

“You wouldn’t let them live if you did press the blade to them. That’s one thing I learned about you. You rarely halt your blade.” I try to keep calm and cool.

“I stopped it for you.” Yes, when everything you said was an act and a lie.

“You needed me. Maybe now you don’t. Maybe now, you realise it is just not worth it.” I am not his only option, he could take another, she might be weaker, not so, damaged.

“Do you think? Because whether you want to be or not you will be my queen, and depending on how well behaved you are depends on which kingdom we will be taking first.” Taking is such an ugly way to word it. We could leave our parents kingdoms alone and just take hold of a neighbouring one.

“What do you mean by that?” I try to ask innocently. Well as innocently as I can manage.

“Untie me now and we will wait for your parents to hand us the kingdom when they are ready to pursue what they want. If not, well, I can’t guarantee my patience.” Still threatening the people who would make me marry the vile creature spitting threats and demands at me.

“You are threatening my parents?” I ask for clarity.

“Yup, and your kingdom. You run, I will make sure you are running from the ashes of all you held dear.” Jerk. Absolute jerk. I want to rip his head off.

“You are a dick!” Well that was tamer than the commentary in my head.

I don’t untie him, but I straddle his lap all the same. I hold his jaw in my hand. “You don’t get to be in charge anymore, or have you not realised that.” I hiss before I kiss him roughly, I bite his lip and make him yelp. “You don’t get to control me. You want the ritual completed?”

“Yes” he whispers breathlessly.

“You do it on my terms, I don’t do being told what to do or who to be. Am I understood?” I love the feeling of power the assertion brings.

“Yes” he is leaning for another kiss, I lean forward just a little and pull back before our lips touch again. I hear him groan.

“What was that?” I ask, toying with him, smiling.

“Kiss me again” he whispers. I lean into him and this time I narrowly miss him and kiss his cheek.

I lean a little closer to his ear, it is my turn to whisper. “Maybe later.” I smile getting back onto my feet, stepping back from the chair.

Now he stands, the thin chains fallen away, the magic drained from them. He takes a few steps towards me, I back up into the wall and he leans over me and kisses me again, hungry and warm against the wall.

.: Entry Seventy-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I guess, I have been just as bad as Clover. To a degree at least.

I got so caught up on the way I felt about the ex, so often, that it became almost second nature. I got so caught up on the way I felt about her, it became second nature to perceive her as, I suppose, a bit of a problem. The thing is I keep trying to put myself first. I keep trying to feel better, and I don’t do anything about how I feel and relate to others. Clover is responding to how she thinks I feel. So she is being territorial and making a point of things. But it really isn’t necessary. Now Adrian is away again, I didn’t bother sending him any messages but he must still somehow be a part of my energy, whether it is in the subconscious, in dreams or whatever, but he sent me a message recently. So walking away isn’t so easy. But not willing to compromise what I want and how I want to feel is stronger, by far.

So maybe he won’t be completely out of my life. But we are friends I guess. I suppose.

So yeah so some of the stuff that annoys me about Clover, mainly her obsession with those lads who don’t even have her on social media anymore, I shouldn’t be so judgemental right? I mean, still being in love with my ex and wanting to move on still gets to me. I still talk about it. Probably a lot more than I should. I want to relax into not even letting it be something that remotely enters my mind.

Soon I will be thriving right?

Things will be easier right?

Right?

I’ve not spent much time with Clover the last week, we’ve barely chatted properly in a week. But then again, I can feel myself wanting to shut away from the world for a bit. Is that bad? To want to just avoid social media for a few days. Hell even a week.

Is that a bad thing? Wanting a week of avoiding people. To just do me for a week. A week isn’t long but it is manageable. So maybe I will disallow using my phone between certain hours. I suppose that is a way to see who wants me in my life. Maybe I will feel better for less screen time. I might build some great things to talk about with you. After all, the greatest way to get things off of your mind is to do something else. I want to let myself find out who I am. Get back in touch with how I feel and get a scope on how I want to feel and move towards that. I could find a way to feel luckier. I could find myself feeling happier. I could feel free, less tethered in.

I might do just that.

We will see… the best laid plans and all that.

I had a dream about that room again, I had a dream where I wasn’t alone. I guess that is kind of why I want to find myself. I want to know what I want. So anyway the dream? Adrian was there, he complemented at how tidy it was now. I don’t think either of us really knew what to say. I think he knows, that I have been putting myself first. I stopped being so patient. I think he knows that his conscious self has gotten in the way of what he asked me to do so many times. Waiting is just too hard. Being patient with him is just too hard. It’s too painful. I guess he couldn’t blame me. He asked me to keep trying and I’ve given up, I have given up the struggle of trying to be what he wants or needs me to be. We ended up creating a swinging chair in the room, one of those bench things that are suspended from the ceiling. We just sat there. Awkward was pretty much an accurate description. We sat there, made small talk and just let some time pass by, just hanging out being close to one another. After a while I ended up playing a movie on the wall, heaven knows how, but with a magical room like that, it doesn’t matter, we just watched the movie together.

It was nice I suppose, to see the him I know he wants to be. But it was hard, so damn hard to not feel angry that he just keeps getting in his own way. It’s frustrating in dreams and in reality. I can’t help how I feel.

Coming out of the dream, I felt weird. Coming out of the dream was like when a nice hot shower suddenly turns freezing and you jump out of the way of the water. A nasty shock. It’s pretty short lived I suppose, that shock, but it doesn’t make it comfortable. You end up feeling cold for a while too long. It was like that, where you feel out of sorts. I guess that is why I want to avoid my phone for a while. Get away from the gateway to being exposed to other people’s energies. I just need a break from muddying the waters and to just find out what I want. To just decide what I want without the disruption of what everyone else wants me to want.

I guess I want my energy to be so focused on what I want and who I am and where I am going that it is the most dominant feeling of knowing inside of me. I guess I need to just allow myself to be me. If I can do that, I might be able to get rid of this muddled feeling where I have no idea of where I am headed. I am ready to just know, to just know and be at ease with the feeling that everything will work out for me. whatever that looks like.

.: Entry Seventy-Four :.

My name is Elliot Parker. Except, right now… it’s not.

Pulling myself free from the kiss I can feel my back pressed against the wall. I smile weakly and let him step away. I pass by him and go to sit on the bed. I make a show of focusing on my hands. Tracing the veins under my skin with my fingertips. I am searching for a loophole. A way that I can get out of this place. Right now, I am sure he knows what I am doing, I am biding my time. This time when I run, I will get away from him, I don’t want to perform the ritual. I don’t want to die. It would take so much power to stop this ritual. To get away with syphoning that much unnoticed. That is a whole different issue.

“You can’t do it.” I look up at him, his eyes locked on mine.

“What?” I try to ask innocently.

“Escape. That kiss was to distract me wasn’t it?” I suspect what he wants to hear and what he will believe are two different things.

“Lying is your thing remember.” I say and turn my back to him. I don’t speak or move for an hour and I suppose the boredom got to him, he walked out of the room. I turn in time to watch the door close behind him. I stand up and walk as softly to the door as I can. The sea swells beneath the ship and jolts when I put my hand on the handle to get out. I hear footsteps returning to the door, so I hop lightly across the room and slip behind the desk. I watch the door handle turn and brace myself upright on the desk.

“You tried to leave.” He stares at me, not in disbelief but in disappointment.

“I need some air. I just wanted to walk on deck.” He looks at me, regarding me with suspicion. I try to pretend not to notice he hasn’t closed the door yet. It is a test and I know it. I want to be free and he knows it. It’s a stale mate. I watch him watching me and so I sit down in the chair behind the desk. I won’t escape on a risky attempt to run, not out at sea in an unknown place. I like risks, but this would be one I wouldn’t win. So I sit down and I see the surprise on his face. He walks in and closes the door. One step of good will and trust to be earned, ready to be broken when I can run, completely.

I look up at him as he takes steps further into the room. I half smile. Attempting to look as unthreatening and as innocent as possible. I watch him staring at me. He pulls something out of his back pocket and moves towards me, I shrink back a fraction into the chair. “You want to go outside you do it by my rules.” He spoke softly. Now standing between me and the desk and in his hand, something shining. A string of metal. With soft encouragement the metal began to move and manipulate. It began to snake up my wrist and his. “A manacle that can’t be broken or escaped from.” He told me. “You will be allowed outside, but only like this, attached to me. I have to be careful, you do have a habit of running away after all.” I glare at him. He begins to walk away and the metal snaked around my wrist pulls me upright and towards him biting into my wrist if I resist. “It will be less embarrassing for you if you hold my hand, the chain won’t be seen and you can keep some dignity and at least make it look like there is some trust that you won’t be running away.”

I glare at him holding out his hand to me. “Fine.” I take his hand and then I walk ahead and take the lead. I walk out on deck for the first time, and the deck is quiet. “Where is everyone?” I ask but he ignores me as I walk around on deck. There is nothing but sea in all directions. “Where are we?”

“A few miles from port.” But there is nothing but sea around us. I look out to sea, this time I focus. The glamour fades and we are in port. The ship has been docked. I recognise the land and buildings, we are home. I feel a bubbling anger growing. He had been syphoning my power for days convincing me we are still at sea and yet here we are. And he has me chained to him. I look at him. He is watching me. I turn and head back down into the cabin, he trails behind me.

“How long until we reach land?” I ask.

“A couple of days or so, we are using a magical tether so it shouldn’t take too much longer.” I nod and hold out my wrist for the chain to be unwound. He coaxes the chain down and slips it into his back pocket.

“What happens when we reach land?” I ask.

“We head up to see your parents together, as a couple ready for the ritual. We get married and we turn and then we become the most powerful beings around for many kingdoms.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that.” He repeats. An assassination attempt will be impossible after turning, impossible after the ritual of marriage. I smile, at least I try to. There has to be a way around this. Once we are married, we are tied together in life and death so it says. Killing him after will kill me. By my own hand killing the other ends us both. Our lives will be linked.

I stretch and walk over to the bed and fall back onto it. There has to be a way.

.: Entry Seventy-Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I may have changed, but some people haven’t.

I know, I know I said I was done with Adrian, but that doesn’t mean that I was going to be completely unreasonable. I gave him a chance, a two-week long chance. He had promised he would see me while he was back. Well, he flew back to work again last night. The promise, was as I am sure you can guess, not kept. Thing is, I wasn’t surprised. I stopped being surprised, I stopped feeling let down and disappointed I just got used to it. That is all. I got used to being let down so often that it has become an expectation. And that expectation, remains in my energy and so I am bringing more of that unwanted from him. Then again, I suppose, I am no longer willing to do the work to change that feeling about him. It is what it is. I won’t be going to visit him where he is working. I won’t be saying that his behaviour was ok. We were due to meet making plans that day to meet. Came to the time we were supposed to meet, no response. Read the message but no response. I ended up getting a message the next day that his friend turned up. I don’t understand how that stops him from sending a message to cancel. And there it is. That moment where you finally give up on something, someone that you wanted. Because, at the end of the day, I deserve better. I deserve to have promises kept, to not be let down or ignored.

I suppose it really could be the end of us even remaining friends from now on. I won’t be making the effort anymore. I won’t be waiting around anymore. I won’t be making things ok and better anymore. I just won’t be there like I used to be. Part of me is terrified that he won’t even see it or understand it, part of me is scared that he will never understand why I walked away.

That doesn’t mean I don’t love him. But it does mean I finally understand my worth, it does mean I am learning to love and respect myself. I still love him, I think I always will, always.

I can have whatever I want. I can be whomever I want. I want to be me. I want to be Elliot Parker. But not just Elliot Parker, I want to be the best version of me, for myself, for who I am. Sometimes, I don’t even know who I am, I normally don’t think about that question, “who am I?” It doesn’t work for me. I end up in some complicated confusion and I just don’t know who or what I am or want to be.

I guess that is why it is better that I am letting Adrian go, letting the resistance and the struggle and the momentum go. Maybe it will make us both happier in the long term?

So, it happens. Probably should have happened a long time ago.

So how do I feel about that? Well that’s the thing, I don’t feel anything that strongly about it. Maybe a bit disappointed, but it just all feels, inevitable. That’s kind of sad I suppose. He was a huge part of my life, but it just seems like I was constantly making excuses or forgiving silly things over and over again, it was always the same thing so the lesson was never really learned. It was hard to accept how unhealthy it was for so long. But as leading a happy and healthy life became more important, making healthy choices became more important, and then consistently choosing a healthy choice became more important, and making exceptions to that, however much I love that person, just wasn’t enough of a reason. It’s not that there is no love there, it’s that I started doing what was right for me. So I stopped being so forgiving and understanding. I stopped responding to being treated in a way that didn’t make me happy. I have been slowly taking a step back. One at a time. To be honest, I don’t think he has even noticed.

Maybe it is for the best.

It is probably for the best.

I just hope that he gets what he wants, that it is all that he hoped it would be.

So maybe it’s not a love story, I never got the reconciliation I thought that I wanted. I got something else instead though. I found myself, which is I suppose, in a way, a better love story. It just still feels so open ended. Does closure even exist?

How many stories do we read and watch on TV where the characters get back together or the break up is clean and simple? How many times do we see that kind of hope story that makes us believe its ok to hold on? I don’t know if I can hold on anymore when I am walking away from what was. I am not even the same person I used to be, if I can accept that why am I not wanting to acknowledge that it is ok for my feelings to change and evolve. If I can accept that I am not the person I was and it is ok to love the person I am now then perhaps this story really isn’t even over, perhaps it really just is the beginning.

Perhaps this is just sort of becoming the end almost of the beginning, you know that part just before when things start making sense?

I don’t know. It is possible. I don’t have to have it all figured out right now. Right now, is not everything that will be. After all, all this time, I have been learning that I am a deliberate creator.

My name is Elliot Parker; I am a deliberate creator.