.: Entry Seventy-Three :.
My name is Elliot Parker. I may have changed, but some people haven’t.
I know, I know I said I was done with Adrian, but that doesn’t mean that I was going to be completely unreasonable. I gave him a chance, a two-week long chance. He had promised he would see me while he was back. Well, he flew back to work again last night. The promise, was as I am sure you can guess, not kept. Thing is, I wasn’t surprised. I stopped being surprised, I stopped feeling let down and disappointed I just got used to it. That is all. I got used to being let down so often that it has become an expectation. And that expectation, remains in my energy and so I am bringing more of that unwanted from him. Then again, I suppose, I am no longer willing to do the work to change that feeling about him. It is what it is. I won’t be going to visit him where he is working. I won’t be saying that his behaviour was ok. We were due to meet making plans that day to meet. Came to the time we were supposed to meet, no response. Read the message but no response. I ended up getting a message the next day that his friend turned up. I don’t understand how that stops him from sending a message to cancel. And there it is. That moment where you finally give up on something, someone that you wanted. Because, at the end of the day, I deserve better. I deserve to have promises kept, to not be let down or ignored.
I suppose it really could be the end of us even remaining friends from now on. I won’t be making the effort anymore. I won’t be waiting around anymore. I won’t be making things ok and better anymore. I just won’t be there like I used to be. Part of me is terrified that he won’t even see it or understand it, part of me is scared that he will never understand why I walked away.
That doesn’t mean I don’t love him. But it does mean I finally understand my worth, it does mean I am learning to love and respect myself. I still love him, I think I always will, always.
I can have whatever I want. I can be whomever I want. I want to be me. I want to be Elliot Parker. But not just Elliot Parker, I want to be the best version of me, for myself, for who I am. Sometimes, I don’t even know who I am, I normally don’t think about that question, “who am I?” It doesn’t work for me. I end up in some complicated confusion and I just don’t know who or what I am or want to be.
I guess that is why it is better that I am letting Adrian go, letting the resistance and the struggle and the momentum go. Maybe it will make us both happier in the long term?
So, it happens. Probably should have happened a long time ago.
So how do I feel about that? Well that’s the thing, I don’t feel anything that strongly about it. Maybe a bit disappointed, but it just all feels, inevitable. That’s kind of sad I suppose. He was a huge part of my life, but it just seems like I was constantly making excuses or forgiving silly things over and over again, it was always the same thing so the lesson was never really learned. It was hard to accept how unhealthy it was for so long. But as leading a happy and healthy life became more important, making healthy choices became more important, and then consistently choosing a healthy choice became more important, and making exceptions to that, however much I love that person, just wasn’t enough of a reason. It’s not that there is no love there, it’s that I started doing what was right for me. So I stopped being so forgiving and understanding. I stopped responding to being treated in a way that didn’t make me happy. I have been slowly taking a step back. One at a time. To be honest, I don’t think he has even noticed.
Maybe it is for the best.
It is probably for the best.
I just hope that he gets what he wants, that it is all that he hoped it would be.
So maybe it’s not a love story, I never got the reconciliation I thought that I wanted. I got something else instead though. I found myself, which is I suppose, in a way, a better love story. It just still feels so open ended. Does closure even exist?
How many stories do we read and watch on TV where the characters get back together or the break up is clean and simple? How many times do we see that kind of hope story that makes us believe its ok to hold on? I don’t know if I can hold on anymore when I am walking away from what was. I am not even the same person I used to be, if I can accept that why am I not wanting to acknowledge that it is ok for my feelings to change and evolve. If I can accept that I am not the person I was and it is ok to love the person I am now then perhaps this story really isn’t even over, perhaps it really just is the beginning.
Perhaps this is just sort of becoming the end almost of the beginning, you know that part just before when things start making sense?
I don’t know. It is possible. I don’t have to have it all figured out right now. Right now, is not everything that will be. After all, all this time, I have been learning that I am a deliberate creator.
My name is Elliot Parker; I am a deliberate creator.