.: Entry Seventy-Two :.
My name is Elliot Parker and I have changed.
There is no use pretending I haven’t.
There is no use in pretending that my feelings haven’t changed.
Another chance to keep a promise, another chance to live up to potential, another chance again and again and again and again.
Except, when do all those chances ever end? When does it stop? Being let down, being handed excuse after excuse, being disappointed when I know how easy it would have been for that to not be the case. I know how preventable it is. How easy it is to change. How hard would it really be to be to take a chance and actually do something with it that didn’t make me feel bad or regretful for giving another chance. Stop repeating the mistakes of the past.
Well that’s it isn’t it. The definition of insanity is repeating the same events or actions and expecting different results. I have given a very clear opportunity for a second chance and an excuse was given. I can’t keep doing the same thing, so now I have been putting myself first, putting my happiness first, the change is clear. It’s a good thing though. Just not to those used to receiving infinite chances and opportunities. I am not that person anymore.
I am a forgiving person. I am forgiving myself, for all the past mistakes, all the past negative feelings, I FORGIVE MYSELF. It is the past, it is done. It is not where I am now, it can’t drag me back, I am taking the power from what was and what is… because I know what is coming is unbelievable and wonderful.
That’s the thing isn’t it, I finally have reached a place of power and a place of peace in being a deliberate creator. I ride my power in waves, slowly I am getting better, sometimes, I am in complete control. Sometimes I am in total freefall waiting for the momentum to subside so that I can stand again and begin again. Each time I stand back up, the certainty, the surety, the security, the knowledge, the wellbeing, the excitement it all becomes clear.
My name is Elliot Parker. I am a deliberate creator.
I am ready to change my life. I can feel this flowing of transformation and change spreading from me.
First it was choosing to be happy. Choosing all those better feeling thoughts, one by one, they lead me here. I fluctuate, energy does that, but overall, even if I could unlearn things I wouldn’t. Sure it is hard, and there are times when it is the most frustrating or confusing thing on earth. When you feel like you have no strong direction, when you feel like you are in complete freefall, it feels impossible and never ending but it isn’t. I promise it passes I found the way to pull myself out of freefall so much faster. Reaching for that better feeling thought, reaching for that better feeling thought lands you in a better feeling experience. If you keep up the momentum… amazing things can happen.
The future is beckoning. Whether people deserve to be carried forward into that future, well that is up to them. But I am sure it is easy to see that the promise breaker, second chance taker, is likely to not make it.
I forgave myself. I forgive them. But the future I want, is healthy. Because I want it I know it will come to be. The future I want is adventurous, because I want it I know it will come to be. The future I want is successful, because I want it I know it will come to be. The future I want is prosperous, because I want it I know that it will come to be. The future that I want is exciting, because I want it I know it will come to be.
I am so focused; I am chasing my dreams. Chasing is the wrong word, I am not sure pursuing is right either. I am enjoying the bliss and joy of the processes of my dreams coming into my experience. I am enjoying the little moments and the big and everything in between.
My name is Elliot Parker. I have changed. I can feel it. I can feel the steady power and peace from within. The kind of peace that comes from knowing that everything, the desires I hold are unfolding wonderfully and I am ready and coming into resonance with the desires. I know that the dreams I am holding are coming.
Doesn’t power and peace and knowing feel good. It is quiet and loud, something that hums inside of you. It feels great to just be able to sit in the knowing that there is nothing that you need to or have to do to make things happen. There is no need to feel like you have to do anything to make what you want happen. There is no need to feel like a hurricane or a force to be reckoned with. Even if that is what you are. It feels wonderful to just focus on how you feel and allow the emotions you are choosing to invite to guide you into resonance with what you desire. I could be the girl to change the world. But there is no making it happen. I could be the one to change history. There is no making anything happen, no efforting something into being. When it is ready, it will come, it will happen. It will feel natural, it will feel certain and sure and easy and free and I am so ready to be choosing my path. I am enjoying the feeling of the path unfurling under my feet because I am never off of my path. I will never be off of my path. I know who I am. Who I will be. I have decided already and I am ready to just enjoy whatever is coming my way.