.: Entry Four :.
My name is Elliot Parker.
I am now, unemployed. So I did it. I quit my job. I had to. It was killing me, emotionally and physically.
I have experienced many forms of extreme stress. But this was different. This was the kind of stress that drains your body until you feel like a dead weight from dawn till dusk. This was the kind of stress that made you feel emotionally crippled and drained and so full of anxiety that it slipped into your dreams every night and ate you up there too. This was the kind of stress that pushed my mental health to its limits and sent me back to my counsellor.
People call me strong. This place, it made me feel weak. I have survived so much already, so much more than I should have. I don’t know how, but I lost my whole-ness. I felt less than half alive. I feel less than half alive still. Though that has more to do with the incomprehensible pain that is plaguing every moment. See in the real world. I have damaged a muscle or two. I am recovering, but it is slow progress. But in the world that matters to me, basically any other world but this. I am fine and I am healthy.
That’s the thing, about being a deliberate creator, you are always moving towards your desires. I want to be fine, I want to be healthy. So that is what I am, inside.
I resigned, I felt backed into a corner, it was my real power play. Stay and fight for something that was eating my soul alive. Or choose my health and happiness. Not all of my family understood that choice. Not all of my friends did either. I tried my best. And I think, on both sides of the coin, their side and mine, we tried to make it work. But the fit changed because people change and grow.
That’s the thing I have talked about with my counsellor. Growth. I am not the person I was this time last year. I learned the power my thoughts have, and now, I try to choose them wisely. See I know that there is something amazing and wonderful coming. Whether it is him, he who should not be named, or whether it is a break through when it comes to writing. Something impossibly awesome is coming.
See ever the optimist right?
My name is Elliot Parker. I am strong.
I am choosing all these better feeling thoughts. Where I was and where I am screams change. It screams growth. I used to live in my own pain, my focus was the pain and the hurt, and the fresh heartbreak. But now I am thankful for all that it taught me when I thought I couldn’t survive, because look at what happened. I survived. I changed. I have grown and changed so quickly that the emotional distance from the past to now, it feels like a chasm. I can’t go back; it can’t reach me. So yeah, I changed. I grew quickly and the mould that I used to fit into that they needed, I can no longer fit or fill that. That’s ok. I appreciate them for the change that they helped bring about.
I truly appreciate the dreams that it helped foster because all of this really did make one thing very clear to me. My health and my happiness are a priority. I am a priority. It is ok for me to be the priority.
My name is Elliot Parker, today I changed my life.
It’s not an exaggeration. One change fosters another, and that is where the next change appeared. My focus. I did something I haven’t been able to do in so long. I sat and read a book, the whole of my conscious day. I read a book, and I let myself enjoy it. No analysis. I told myself off for guessing the plot because I just wanted to read it and enjoy it. Just like I used to. Before this became my life. Before the power of suggestion, before the power of deliberate creation took over my life.
Today I suggested to the universe, not anything particular, just this one phrase “today, I want a good, happy energy to flow through me. I want a day of ease and peace.” Sure it had its moments. But as a whole it was delivered. Only the right interruptions made it through.
Ok, so I can’t call Jonas an interruption, unless I add a word. Jonas is a welcome interruption. While he may be a fountain of wisdom, he is also a fountain of humour and laughter. When I am told I did something good or great by him it honestly makes my day, because I know he means it sincerely. With some people, you can just tell. Want to know a secret? Jonas, he is an inspiration. Because he is an inspiration, he might, well actually he does appear in my stories. He can be pretty easy to spot if you know who you are looking for. And with the story I am planning… Jonas, he is a great curveball to change the direction and flow of the story.
My name is Elliot Parker.
I am addicted to stories, in particular, this damn book I’m reading. It’s so hard not to say “I know what’s going to happen, the plot is obvious”. But that is the problem I can say that about life. That is why I have been sort of, kind of, maybe, just a little bit, avoiding Clover. I’m sorry. I really am. But I know she is happy, she is getting on with a really good guy. And that is the problem. I am doing my best to resist spite. Proximity and exposure to Clover will not help me remain in control of my words. It will not help me create something good or great. It will not help me change the world in the right way.