.: Entry Twenty-Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

It’s been roughly a week since I lost my best friend. Oddly, I have found more peace and productivity than I thought I would have.

I have found that the respite of not having to hear someone go on about such a negative energy so often for so long has helped me feel peace. Without having to be constantly accessible for someone to complain and endure the energy drain of constantly trying to make someone feel better.

Well that’s the thing while I have had this peace it seems someone else is suffering the Clover that I know. A mutual friend of ours, Naomi sent me a message a few days after the rift formed. She said that Clover was driving her mad. Naomi had some pretty serious stuff going on with her lately, a break up being a large portion of the stress, Naomi just wanted to talk for a few minutes about things going on with her. What did Clover do? Repeatedly change the topic to one of the boys talking to her. I couldn’t help but feel for her, she wasn’t used to it on that scale. That and the social media overload of “happy” status’.

Apparently the reality doesn’t match that, it is over compensating. Or so I keep being informed.

She told another mutual friend that she had decided to see how things play out with that poster child boy. Well, that’s her choice. She has chosen to pursue him (and a few other boys but they have nothing to do with this) rather than try to mend the friendship. So, I had to make a decision. I have decided that given her choice to make no efforts to mend the friendship and hedge her bets on boys that no matter what the outcome of her relationship the friendship is over. Completely. No reconciliation. That’s it, done.

Unfriended for life.

My name is Elliot Parker; I have decided to pursue my happiness without feeling guilty. After all, guilt is a debt that has already been paid.

Another thing I have neglected to mention recently; well, ok so you know I recently admitted I have feelings for Jonas, after a few months of being in denial, now I am less in denial. I hadn’t spoken to him in a couple of weeks, mainly because he has a lack of wifi and is working ridiculous hours at the moment. (Yes I am getting to the point, I swear.)

So yesterday I went out for a drink with a friend who kept telling me I had feelings for Jonas during my giant denial phase, so chatting away filling him in with all the Clover drama and all the fun stuff. So he was asking me about Jonas trying to get a measure of my feelings, well it was interesting. He seems to consider himself some kind of scientist on the matter. He decided to test my pupil response to a few names. He started with Clover, not much response. My ex, a small response, according to him I must have some feelings for him still. Jonas’ name, apparently the difference was “significant” but he could have been pulling my leg. I found it mildly interesting and funny.  So yes, my friend decided to test me, and according to him I really like Jonas. I just hope I don’t lose this friend to Clover, we’ve been friends for so long, so I call dibs. But that is not the point.

But funnily enough, after I got home I received a message from Jonas. After so long of quiet it is safe to say, I was very excited. Can you blame me? He has been working so hard, but the bit that got me giddy was that he missed chatting with me. That and the “xxx” at the end. Silly huh? But the thing is, it felt like a great manifestation. That it is ok to talk openly about things that I want or want to consider. Sometimes, I forget that I am a deliberate creator. Sometimes I forget I am in control of my universe and what I bring attention to, what it is I want in my life.

So I manifested Jonas’ message last night.

I manifested the now permanent rift with Clover. I wanted peace and quiet and less boy drama in my life. And now I am able to relax and not feel like I am compromising my happiness constantly by trying to make someone else feel better about themselves because they don’t understand that they are attracting it. I am ready to attract healthy friendships. I am ready to attract a healthy relationship. I am ready to attract all that I want, and achieve all that I want. It is going to be fun, free and easy.

Everything is always working out for me.

My name is Elliot Parker. I have invested in some more books to read- so I will be insanely happy. I have discovered a new series to watch, which it turns out was originally a book, so of course logic states that I should get the books, read the books and be super happy I have the books. My to-read list seems to keep growing.

I feel like right now a short rampage is in order.

Everything is always working out for me. There is a fountain of abundance in my life and I am riding the waves of knowing. I know that all that I want and need and desire is coming to me. I know that I am a deliberate creator. I know there is magic in this world. I know there is magic in dreams. I know that nothing is impossible. I know that it is good to be happy and put happiness first. I know that it is good to make yourself happy by following an impulse that feels good. I love knowing that there is always a better feeling thought in reach.

I know that everything will work out.

Regardless of the rift I know that eventually Clover will sort herself out and have a happy life, if she lets herself.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Twenty- Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I just had a huge fight with Clover. Well less a fight more a giant messy parting.

So I know I haven’t really mentioned this, before, not in depth, but there are somethings that you simply don’t want to hold attention to. Clover in all of this mess and obsession with her ex has been talking to someone that I have nicknamed the poster child for domestic violence (I’ll probably just shorten that here to the poster child). It’s not nice, but he earned it. He is very volatile as a person.

You see, for months now Clover has told me about the conversations she has with him. He gets nasty and mean a lot. Fights with her a lot. Sends the boys on her social media abusive messages and tells her to delete them. He is possessive and rude and starts fights over nothing. He calls her rude names and puts her down and the things she loves.

So as you can imagine I have a low opinion of poster child.

So at the start of the other week I was in a really great mood, I had been out to a concert with my brother and it was great. The next day, I called Clover to check in and see how she was doing. Well I got to talk for a few minutes about the great mood and awesome concert before she took over and started talking about boys.

She started to talk about the week she had had, she had felt off and down most of the week and the day she started to feel better the poster child brought her right down by getting nasty with her. So of course I asked the question. “Why are you putting up with it?”

She ignored the question and kept talking about him, she made excuses, like “he is stressed”, “he has problems”, “it’s not his fault it was how he grew up”. Well that didn’t help really did it? Because I repeated the question, she said, “I like him, sometimes he is so sweet and nice as pie. When he is nice I start to think that things will get better and that we might stand a chance, I think about saying yes to a date with him. Then he turns nasty and I think maybe not.”

My response was simple, that is abusive. Again she makes an excuse.

It got worse after that, so much worse.

So that is when I warned her that friends and family will start walking away if she continues to keep choosing the abuse over being happy, being healthy. Her response was that no one else really knows. That put me in the middle of a big choice. To placate her and make her feel better as usual and have my advice ignored, which I knew was what she wanted and had expected. Or I could stand up for what I hoped was the right thing. Not just for Clover but for her daughter. To walk away from an abusive person who actively hurt her on a regular basis.

So there I was stuck between the rock and the hard place doing what was right and doing what was asked of me, expected of me.

So that’s when I said she can start choosing between her family and friends now and him. She had the choice between, now, I don’t want to just say myself or my friendship like a conceited person, but more the unlimited support I have tried to give her, the cheering up sessions, the chatting, the whole of what the friendship was. Something akin to sisters.  Or someone who actively made her feel low and kept her unsteady and damaged her self-worth, self-love, self-respect.

Her response in those seconds after I told her she can start choosing now, “oh… I dunno” like it was hard, like she had to really think for a long time because the attention she got from the abuse that she could get from people was that much of an important aspect. I hate to say it, but it does sort of haunt me, but that is what made up my mind. I told her she had clearly made her choice and I said bye and that was it. Years turned to dust and water.

That’s the thing, it’s not the first time I had to tell her to make a choice. At the start of her relationship with her now baby daddy she was flirting with his brother. A lot. I had enough and told her to make her mind up which brother she wanted. Well after that she blamed me for her flirting around blowing up in her face. Didn’t talk for months.

This time though, it feels different. For a start, it’s not me telling her to decide what boy she wants. It’s me asking her to make a choice of what life she wants.

The thing is, and I know I should be feeling really bad, the day of the ultimatum was hard. It was hard because there was a guilt that I made her choose, because I needed to get closure. The exposure to her moods, her highs and lows and her being treated like that, it did affect me. It reminded me too much of my own past, and I had hoped she had learned from my mistakes so she never had to experience it herself. And yet there she is, choosing to put herself in that position.

When I went through it, a lot of who I was died. Coming out of it, felt like I had been burned alive and this is what remained. Eventually I healed and so have the scars. But she saw that. I had hoped she would have chosen to not experience it.

Mind you for a long time I have hoped she would choose a different path in general. To follow a dream that didn’t depend on a boy or romance or attention. Something she could be passionate about. But hey, she chose the boy.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Twenty-One :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Last night I had a dream. It wasn’t just empty sleep. It felt so good to be in that world again. It felt so incredibly frustrating to be finally in this dream and then pulled out of it. And yes I know, it was kind of an intense dream. It was kind of an intimate dream. So yes, that anxiety about intimacy played into it. That was kind of awesome. But I did learn something, I can do it. I can think about the awareness of proximity and not feel an anxious prickle down the back of my neck.

And yes the Captain in the dreams… he is attractive, I won’t bother trying to lie. He reminds me of someone. That natural energy. But that world that this dream thrives in, my god it all just seems so intense, and the laws of that world seem different to this world.

But here is an idea, a something I want to know about; can that magical charm transcend into this world? Is it the use of charisma that they are using? Is it magic or charisma? Is it charm or charisma? Is it entrancement or charisma? Is it even charisma? Could it be just internal knowing that what you want will happen? Could it be that knowing, that internal knowing that tells you that everything is coming together for you?

It is such a broad idea. It’s great, I love it.

I woke up this morning full of wonder, full of energy. FULL of imagination. My mind is full of these ideas; these images of things I want to say or show.

So, part of me has this intense wanting to know who the hell the Captain reminds me of. The other part, frustrated that I was woken from that amazing dream, it was so frustrating to be pulled from such a wonderful thing by its phone call.

The person on the other end? Well, that was Clover.

I keep trying to change my observation of her, of my frustration of her, I keep trying to remind myself of all the positive aspects of her. But there is a reason why it is hard, because in my awareness of the frustration I attract the reasoning for it.

So Clover interrupted my lovely dream. Apparently her ex, who she has this intense obsession with, she wants him back, has apparently been on social media. He has been popping up and going away and not talking to her. She has convinced herself that he has done this to check up on her, it’s been well over six months. He is in a relationship with someone else. Nothing seems to have changed. She is convinced that he is playing a game with her to try to get her to be the first one to talk. I don’t know how to tell her she is sounding like a stalker by the way she is holding her attention towards him.

I don’t know how to tell her that, or that she needs to heal and move on. She keeps justifying it, holding herself in this place of pain. She knows the very basics of the process to do with being a deliberate creator from observing me. But in that she uses it to justify her obsession, she doesn’t want to move on.

In observing her I know one thing, I am knowing that her obsession doesn’t make it right. I know that she is holding herself in a place of pain. I have held myself in that place of pain, in my attention to Adrian Ferisle. The thing is I’ve been learning is that his presence in my life must now be one thing or another, all or nothing. His current technique of popping up and not letting me forget about him by talking to me in waves of bombardment and silence, I DO NOT WANT THAT ANYMORE. He wants to stay in my life because he doesn’t want to let me go, it is by his insistence that we are still friends.

But I know and I understand that I am worthy and deserve reliability. I deserve to know where I stand. But I do know where I stand. If he wants to be in my life and keep getting the benefits of my reliability, my care, my consideration, my kindness, my time and my support he needs to make a commitment to me to in turn reliably learn and grow as a team. I am done being in this limbo, I have been done for so long, I have said this so often, but now I believe it. What I want doesn’t trump what I need. I will feel good, no matter what, his presence or his absence will feel good because I feel good.

My name is Elliot Parker and I know that I am deserving of that better feeling thought.

I am excited by the knowing that I am in charge of my happiness it is my thing, my responsibility. Influences like Clover or Adrian are slowly going to have less and less influence on my happiness. Outside factors will have less influence as I become more aware and more in control of my thinking, my happiness and my future. I know that what will be manifested will be brilliant, that I will be excited. I will be sure that whatever is perceived of me will not affect my happiness. Those that understand the process of deliberate creation from the root to the tip of the iceberg will be able to not only hear my words like anyone else but they will be able to understand them. That knowing is awesome.

I am so glad, I am so glad that what is, or what was, is not where I am or where I am going. Because where I am going, I am already there, my energy is in harmony with that. It is the sweet music of the universe. That joy, unbridled comes from the understanding, from the knowing that develops from being a deliberate creator.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Twenty:.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I am known as the stowaway girl here, only the Captain knows who I really am.

But a Captain is not a captain without a ship. And we are nothing more than a crew littered on the sea in life rafts. His authority could be challenged; my presence will only worsen that. But for now I need him and he needs me and with land in sight, well everything could be changed.

Sat on opposite ends of the raft I can feel him trying to lock my gaze to his. Right now, I don’t need to entrance him to bend to my will. I suspect he is the kind of man who could resist the charm, his essence of leadership is potent, especially on his crew. I don’t intend to convert the crew. Just charm them slightly, just add a touch of loyalty to my cause. People don’t know about the reality of the entrancement, I suspect a travelled man like the Captain does, but his crew probably don’t. I suspect he knows exactly what he is doing with his crew, that is why he wants to lock eyes to me, command my loyalty, when I am encouraging theirs.

The Captains charm won’t work on me, not well at least, but my charm? Well, I exercise it with control. I don’t want blindness I want honesty. But of course a little loyalty doesn’t hurt.

“Stowaway girl.” I look up, the Captain has given a direct command as we reach land. “Stand beside me.”

Does he think I will run? Or is it just that I am a very valuable treasure to trade?

“Neither.” He whispers in my ear; I turn to face him bemused. “You won’t run, and I won’t trade you. I know who and what you are.”

“How?”

“You think I know a traitor by their actions? Stolen whispered conversations? Little birds in my ear? No. I know I must read them. I have been reading you.”

“How?”

“I could teach you to do the same, that is why you will not run.”

“Trade?”

“You may be valuable, you might be worth my men’s weight in gold for a safe return, or for a swift execution.” His grip on my upper arm tightened so that when his lips brushed my ear I couldn’t pull away if I wanted, to others it certainly would look like I was being threatened but his voice gave away a little secret that I didn’t quite understand. “You are more valuable than that, so long as you are alive, so long as you work with me. I saw you working charm on the lifeboats, sewing the first threads, you wouldn’t get a mutiny to save you but you would get enough conflict to slip away. Something we both know. But you won’t leave me as long as I am useful, and you, well you are very useful.”

His lips brushing on my ear surprised me as he spoke, not for his words, but for the strange tingling sensation, the heat where his skin had met mine. “You are useful, your alignment to power is strong, but it is new, it is fresh.” I become aware of his proximity the grip of his hand no longer digging so deeply into my arm. “You will help me stop the crew from slipping into a mutiny without the ship. You will help us get back on the water. With more men, I am sure. And if you are good and do as I ask, all I ask of you, I will take you where you want to go. With another condition. You are honest with me. I will see and know when you are not.”

My breath is caught in my chest like I am choking on my words, I have to agree to the terms. “Fine”

“You don’t like it”

“No one likes to be held to ransom.”

“If this is ransom, then you are a very lucky girl.” His last words made my cheeks flush and tingle with his breath on my skin. I closed my eyes, trying to steal my nerves, trying to steady my breath. He lingered, toying with me. If there is something he wants to say, he is taking his time in saying it. I feel myself growing more aware, it is his right hand tight around my right arm. I could easily wrench myself free but in this moment I don’t want to, I am on the edge of something, fear. Everything is heightened. Everything is awake inside of me, I feel alive, I feel more aware of every inch of my skin. I feel aware of his left hand wrapped in my hair, tugging slightly firing nerves down my spine, a tingling. Keeping me in place, his lips touching my ear, lips that had brushed my skin with every word.

My throat tightened, ever so slightly as he pulled his lips away by a fraction as he gently pulled my hair leaning my head so the side of my neck was exposed. His lips brushing down my neck to the edge of my collarbone and back. He brought his lips back to my ear, “you are mine.”

“No I’m not. No one owns me.”

“I didn’t say that I own you, I said that you are mine, it means something entirely different.”

“How?” He felt him smile at my question this time he pulled my head so my eyes met his.

“You are mine.” I shook my head no, just a fraction. He winked with the left side, before letting his eyes roam to his right and my eyes followed his to see the crew watching our interaction. “You are mine” he growled.

I felt myself swallow the lump in my throat. “You are mine.” He said louder, much louder than he had spoken yet. His eyes flickered between my lips and my eyes, before he leaned in close, not fast but not slow, until our lips were brushed together. On the edge of a wave crashing the shore full of the tension.

Then I felt that familiar lurch in my stomach and I felt myself being pulled back and his proximity faded, his breath on my skin faded.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Nineteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

My love life, or lack of, it’s more like a series of flirtationships if I am honest, confuses me.

So yes, I might have mentioned Adrian Ferisle recently, a fair bit. It’s funny, he went from ignoring me to bombarding me for 24 hours and asking me to do some work for him back to ignoring me. Now he seems to just pop up every so often so I don’t forget he is there. You know, just a don’t forget me message or two and then disappears. He did that sort of when we had our fight before we broke up. It’s that behaviour that has sort of left me leaving that chat window alone, so alone that I tucked it away into the archives.

Sad huh? Considering what once was.

With that fading from my attention I have noticed myself falling into some kind of fantasy more often.

But there is one I struggle with, part of me wants to embrace the fantasy, the other part, absolutely petrified of what could happen if it was definitely not possible. Petrified if it was. Jonas. I know I have a crush on him. I don’t need reminding. He is someone I never expected to have more than a shallow relationship with. You know, the client/artistic genius relationship.

Cute, funny, kind but doesn’t have the same sort of picture for his future as I have for mine. Doesn’t make a blind bit of difference does it? Doesn’t change the excitement of the new message notification. Silly huh?

It feels weird, admitting I have feelings for someone, that they make me excited to hear from them without trying.

I read this book recently, and the way that the author described those little moments when you have that intensity that only you are aware of around that person. How the air changes and everything comes alive, that feeling? I’ve read it, I’ve experienced it, but I have never known how to describe it to someone else. How to let someone inside my head in that way. I don’t know how.

Intimacy. Something I am afraid of, admitting to and experiencing. What is more intimate than revealing those moments that made your heart race, the first time you meet someone? The first time you hold hands? That first time you kiss and there are literal fireworks? What could be scarier than letting someone in to these intimate moments? To let them understand a single moment in time from your perspective?

Intimacy, letting someone see inside your head, like this diary, is a portal to the things I am trying to understand about myself, about the world and the universe, about others, about what I am.

Sometimes it can feel incredibly lonely being me. So I come and I write this, like it makes a difference?

I write about events, things that concern me, and my dreams. But here is the hard part, admitting that my dreams have abandoned me a bit. But I don’t think that is the case, I think I am shutting them out. Avoiding them. I have disconnected. Sure it sounds easy, but disconnecting from yourself, disconnecting from your source energy where everything is unlimited is hard. It affects everything day to day. How you associate with the world. All of it. It gets affected and it turns messy. It stops you from receiving what it is that you want. That is exactly why I disconnected. Because even though I know it is not possible, I don’t know what I want. But that’s it, what I want scares me, and because it scares me I resist it. Which is why I am resisting Jonas in a way, I am putting excuses and conflict into my energy. Not just with him, but he is the best example.

The momentum of the energy in the universe, that thing that I mentioned before about the waves. I got scared. I pulled away and now, I honestly don’t know what my energy is.

My name might be Elliot Parker, and I might be a deliberate creator, but right now I am the only thing standing in my way of what I want.

What I want is freedom.

What I want is safety and security.

What I want is to feel alive.

Well that hit the nail on the head didn’t it, I want to feel alive.

Where I am now, is that really conducive to feeling alive? Meh. But maybe it is ok if I stop shutting myself off, to clean up my energy and to just allow. To just follow some kind of intuition. I am ready to change my world; I am ready to stop resisting. I just need to give in.

I give in to the better feeling thoughts.

I give up the battle.

I give in to the alignment.

I am ready to change my world. I am ready to change the world.

I am learning, constantly, I am getting better. I love knowing that this is just the start and there is never an ending. There is no ending, I can never get it done and I can never get it finished and I can never stay stagnant because, and this is the best bit; life and love is unconditional.

My name is Elliot Parker. I AM A DELIBERATE CREATOR. I am giving up the struggle. There is no struggle. There is contrast and clarity. There is no happily ever after. There is only deliberate intent. Being able to choose, being able to control and choose my manifestations with deliberate knowing. I am growing every day…

I am ready to go down the to the pub and have a little cocktail even on my own. Notebook and pen in hand just to have a little date with myself. I am going to do that. Have a date with myself. Fantasy or reality or whatever. I am going to date myself. I am going to enjoy myself. The better I feel, the more I allow.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX