.: Entry Forty-Four :.

My name is Elliot Parker. My diary thing crashed on me as I started writing this post so now I have to either remember what I was talking about or give it up. I want to do both.

So yeah where was I before it went and crashed? How can someone seriously create such an argument in so few words? I just don’t understand how that can happen, l mean, why act so thoughtlessly? I’m not saying I’m perfect, this whole kick off about me talking to Clover instead of him, it wouldn’t have happened if I had spoken to him instead. I just didn’t feel safe or secure enough that I could bring that topic up with him without it being a huge blown out of proportion thing. Pretty much like how it is now.

I guess it just was a bit of a surprise, I mean, being ambushed then put in that position where I don’t know all that has been said, what they said that I am getting yelled at for. Like just that or is there more to it? I still don’t want to discuss the issue of me talking to someone else about him making me feel cheap or is it that he wanted to talk about why I felt cheap? I don’t know.

I think recently, since I decided what I am willing to accept, what I deserve and how I want to be treated; that seems to have become something people want to test. It’s a steep learning curve, really sticking up for myself. But it is a case of people wanting to test these new boundaries I am putting up. Especially Adrian.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love him, which is frustrating, but I still love him and that is why I am so pissed off about all of this. I just don’t like him now testing my boundaries so often to see what he can get away with, he’s not a child, he’s a grown man. He doesn’t need to test boundaries like he is a child, it would be lovely if he could talk to me without me feeling cornered or under attack.

So it has taken a bit of persuading to find out what Clover has said… And it is a lot more than her just telling him that he made me feel cheap.

“Hey look let’s push all the niceties out of the way!!! You have majorly fucked up where Elliot’s concerned!!! Who the fuck actually takes money out and hands it over like that! You do realise you made her feel like she was a disappointment and cheap like you was paying for it! For her!!! (Angry emoji face times two) Look lets NOT play dumb you know she loves you and more than anything wants a fresh new start relationship with you!! It doesn’t matter how far your job is or where your living at the moment yeah!!! You make it work!!!! I’m so disappointed in you! Im normally your biggest fan your number 1 cheerleader and everyone else is against you! Not this time!! Look listen when you and her do things… it aint just fun its love!!!!! You clearly have feelings for her!! Let me tell you she is the only one for you!! An deep down you know it too!!! (Hey I aint selling her to you!! Im just triggering your brain cells! For someone whos so clever your actually quite thick!!!) if you don’t sort this out before you go back!! Im 100% sure you will regret it!! And you’ll lose her!!! only you can make this right Thursday you pulled a dick move… even the guy im talking to at the moment said it was a dick move!! You need to decide what happiness you want in your life and go for it!! TAKE A FUCKING RISK!!!!! Man up!!! Grow some balls and go get your girl!! Before shes gone!! If your too pussy you need to realise her happiness don’t end or start with you!!! That girl is amazing shes a freaking source of happiness and deserves all the fucking happiness she wants!!! You absolute arsehole!!! I aint meaning to be nasty because I quite like you… but you need to know what a prize arsehole you’ve been mate!! Nuff love peace!”

Well that was quite the message. I counted like fourteen-ish things he could have yelled at me about, he yelled at me about the him making me feel cheap and not going to him about it. Let’s analyse that message as things he could get mad about:

• She messaged him out the blue
• She told him he fucked up
• He made me feel like a disappointment
• He made me feel cheap (like a whore in not so many words, but she gives the nod to what she means)
• That she outed me for loving him still (something he already knew)
• That she said I wanted a fresh start, that it doesn’t matter how far his job is it can work.
• That she said she hung up those pompoms and wasn’t gonna be his cheerleader trying to excuse his actions
• That she said there is love when we are together
• That she knows about us meeting up
• That told him that she knows he has feelings for me
• That I am the only one for him
• That she said he knows that im the only one
• That he will loose me
• That she said he pulled a dick move and she talked about it with someone and they agreed with her
• That she told him that he needs to take a risk on me
• That he needs to get balls and go get me
• That my happiness is orientated beyond him
• That she said I deserve happiness
• That he gets called an arsehole or dickhead like three times or something

Ha turns out I could list nineteen things he could pick a fight about. Like the whole arsehole/dickhead part could be a legit arguing point, that she is aware of what happens when we meet up would be a thing to argue about. That she told him and put words in his mouth about his feelings about me, that she put words in my mouth about feelings about him. Instead he made a bull in a china shop attempt to bring me round to his way of thinking about how I should talk to him about him making me feel cheap.

.: Entry Forty-Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker; the past twenty-four hours has been a series of unfortunate events.

So yeah, things with Adrian have been pretty weird. I’ve still not been bending over backwards, I think it’s been noticed a bit, not consciously, but noticed to a degree. He called the other day to tell me that he was having a problem with the shipping company and he didn’t want to go back to work. What was I meant to do about that? His next topic was that he was waiting to go to a party, it was his friend’s birthday and he had been told to wait until his ex from when he was 17 had left the party so things didn’t go awkward. Safe to say I wondered what happened in the relationship for it to be awkward after all those years, probably the same thing that happened with us.

So that was the bit before I divulge yesterday.

For me, time in the shower is an easy way for me to raise my energy, it improves my mood, I become more receptive to ideas and suggestions.

Well yesterday I got out the shower, listening to a great meditation that was nice and relaxing and I began to feel ready to start my day. So imagine that, I am there wrapped in towels, potting about and tidying up after my shower when my phone rings in the middle of the recording I was listening to. So I sigh and decide to answer the phone. It’s Adrian. The first few words were “It’s just a quick call, I received a message from Clover.”

So I said, “Oh what now?”

“She said that I made you feel cheap.”

“Right”

“Why would you go to her about this rather than talk to me?”

“Because I was in a bad mood and upset and she was there and asked what was wrong.” – what I really couldn’t say was I don’t know if it is something that is safe to talk about with you.

“So you went to her instead of me?”

“I tried it felt really awkward-”

“So I made you feel cheap?”

“Yes-”

“I gave it to you then because I didn’t want to forget to give you the money or I would have felt worse.”

“Ok I understand that but I said then that the timing didn’t make me feel good.”

“But if I had forgotten I would have felt worse. Well we aren’t doing that again then.”

“What do you-? I don’t want to discuss this now; we will talk about it later. I’m going.”

“Yeah ok I don’t want to talk about it right now either I have stuff I need to get done, talk later.”

“Yeah, bye” End of phone call.

Oh boy was I pissed off. Like seriously, yelling at me, when I don’t feel well. Really? Seriously? His tone was cutting, it was aggressive and I felt cornered in the dark.

He didn’t want to let the conversation go, he sent me a message saying “see why didn’t u just tell me this?”

My response after I cooled my mood a little “Because I felt awkward about telling you, I tried to mention it but it felt like it got sidelined. To be honest I really don’t appreciate being yelled at for a message I didn’t send about something I spoke about in confidence. I am really not well and you know that yet you still thought it was ok to be aggressive down the phone at me”

After a while I get sent three messages, “wasn’t yelling”, “stressed out”, “and pissed off.” My response? “Well it felt like yelling to me.”  His response after a while, “not, just thought you would tell me but obviously not” well now I was mad. That was harsh, and a guilt trip to make me feel guilty about not telling him that he made me feel bad. Well I am sorry if I don’t know what is safe to talk about with you. I don’t want to piss you off by accident or not, I don’t want to be made to feel like I am making you feel like a dickhead because I spoke honestly about how I felt. Seriously, it’s not fair to try to pull an emotional game like that when it’s not ok if it was me who tried it. I just didn’t know what to respond, whatever I would have responded would have made it worse. After an hour I got sent “you ok?” my response was plain and simple, “no”, his response “sick?”

Is that him hoping that the reason I am not ok is just cos I’m not well, something that we discussed that morning that he told me to go to A&E with to get a second opinion, so it’s not like he was freaking clueless. My reply, “Feeling week and tense and exhausted constantly and the frustration with that is just the icing on the cake.”

“aww, get better soon, make it your Christmas wish.” Seriously, now you are acting nice? Now? After your freaking trap didn’t work, hmm. “Make it your Christmas wish.” Seriously, for the last few years my Christmas wish has remained the same, the same wish, the same reason, nothing to do with my health. So I took the olive branch, “thanks, Christmas wish? You believe in those?” then about 5 minutes after he sent me the nice message I get emails from my account. Oh hell I was fuming. Like seriously, did he think I was going to change the password and run off? JACKASS. So I calmed enough to reduce my reply to only slight passive aggressive “I take it you want me to forward the emails” him, “na it ok” oh really… FUMING TIMES 1000 now. I didn’t bother toning it down.

“What did you think I was going to do? Change my password and run off, would have been nice to have a warning not a mini heart attack at the random email from my account and then having to work out it was you.” Normally he had the courtesy to warn me he was going to use my account before the fact not just say nothing. Wanna know what he replied? “Sorry” “In a mad rush” “No” “Gonna check my stuff on the plane.”

My response, “travel safe” his “Thanks”

I am sorry that he doesn’t like that I have set and clearly defined what I do and do not deserve, created boundaries and am now sticking to them. I deserve to be happy and this, wasn’t making me happy.

.: Entry Forty-Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I made a silly joke, I told Adrian that I got my Christmas present with the extra he gave me when he was a total dick. He was a total dick again. I just rolled my eyes and made sure it came from my money in the account not his. But do you know that would have been the first Christmas present in the years he has known me (roughly two or maybe is it three, probably two) that he would have got me. You see at Christmas or my birthday I would always hear the traditional line of “I forgot to bring it it’s in my room/car” or “I forgot to put it back in when I was tidying my car.”

I know it’s not about receiving gifts, but it is about the thought. Or the lack thereof. I always gave the Christmas/birthday present, and the first time he went away for work a going away present, a keep safe keepsake type thing. I know they aren’t exactly expensive because my wage is pretty damn low, but I have always tried and always put thought and time and consideration into it. It just sucks to know that I didn’t cross his mind of consideration.

So anyway, I showed Clover what I had chosen, now to me I thought, oh they are a cute pair of wings that could be a stacking set, she went “oh they look like an engagement set.” I WAS NOT IMPRESSED. But hey I just get a bit tired of the contrast at the moment.

I am in the habit of wishing for things to work out with Adrian and I, it is a habit. I don’t necessarily want to wish that anymore, now the wish just feels like a habitual sort of comfort blanket of an idea, of a dream.

My name is Elliot Parker, and recently I haven’t been paying much attention to Adrian. He sends me a message and I’ve not been responding right away or just leaving it on read for a while. It made me feel better not dealing with the cause of my recent hurt feelings. So I left him on read and about three to four hours later I got about ten messages in a row, so I did respond and he was saying that he was getting ill so I wished him to get better and sort of went back to doing what I wanted to do. He has always been one to pop up when I am happy or feeling better about my life, it’s like he’s drawn to me like a magnet. Only this time I don’t feel like playing ball and sharing my good feelings, I like them and I enjoy them and they are mine. Hmpf.

So yesterday evening I got a load of messages from him saying that he was having a crisis, he’s 26 still playing the same games with the same friends doing the same things and before I respond he’s gone and said he will talk to me tomorrow (today) and I read the messages thinking “what the fuck? Is he serious?” His life is not as stagnant as he thinks and his demand for attention didn’t get the reaction he probably wanted.

So I replied- and I still stand by the support I offered:

If you wanna talk I am here, if you want advice I am here, but I want to talk to you, or technically at you.

I have been so frustrated by my limits these days, I am 25 with a psycho for a mother, living with my nana, spending every day in a world of pain. I am nowhere near my life plan, I went from really feeling shit after I saw you and finding my own empowerment in days. I realised what I want, I discovered that I deserve to be happy, healthy and deciding that is a great priority. I am so proud I turned my mood and my emotional compass around so fast.  It has taken me 25 years to truly get a back bone and stand by the fact that I deserve to be happy and respect myself and embrace and accept myself which has been nearly impossible. My life is pretty much stagnant until I heal and build stamina and not live in compromise.

I am 25 my best friends are people I met in high school, all of us seem to be drifting. My other best friend is my ex and even then it’s a weird relationship at which I am sure you agree with.

Life is nothing like what it “should” be. Doesn’t mean it can’t be. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t make you happy or you can’t be happy. Happiness is never guaranteed in the future, it only exists in the now and if you aren’t willing to go for what makes you happy and enjoy or accept what makes you happy you are chasing the past notions of it. Straight up, I never expected to be 25, unemployed and pretty much unemployable still living with my family because my mother is a complete psycho only out for herself.

Don’t ever worry about where you are because it doesn’t matter, it’s constantly changing. What matters is: are you going to find happiness while it’s changing? Now are you going to talk to me like a grown ass adult or keep ignoring my incredible wisdom?

Sorry for the rant, but yeah everything is always working out and I listen to meditations and rampages when I get anxious. Try it.

That is what I had to say. The blunt of it. I know it wasn’t the response he thought he would get or the response that he wanted. It truly wasn’t what he expected because normally I would have been a soft touch, I would have tried to make him feel better pandering to him and what I knew he wanted and needed me to say. Instead I had my mini rampage not to make him feel better but to make me feel better. I wanted to feel better and my rampage got me into that better feeling place. I don’t think he liked it, it was all read and he didn’t reply to me that evening.

So what I am right? Happiness is a choice and it is an active choice I am making. My priorities changed thanks to the last time I saw him it was the catalyst to me putting my-own- damn-self first.

.: Entry Forty-One :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I’ve recently been sloppy with my thinking and it shows. Adrian kept the promise, and I saw him.

The evening was a bit of an event. A catalyst for a great deal of change.

So, I suppose I should say what happened. I went out with Clover for dinner, which was lovely, but I felt nervous. Which is unusual. But the was a bit of a difference when it came to meeting up with Adrian, who turned up at the meeting point having drunk three double rums. So, I said goodbye to Clover and Adrian and I made our way to the hotel he had wanted to use. On the way he told me about a couple of drunk girls in the pub that had kept interrupting him while he was trying to read. That didn’t make me feel great. Can you blame me I mean come on?

So skip forward to getting into the hotel room, that was around 7.30 ish. We got in, he went to the loo, came out and took out his wallet and gave me back the money for the hotel room, and then gave me more money than what was necessary to use my account to get help with his degree work. I tried to give him the extra and he said it was for doing him a favour and letting him borrow the account. I felt cheap, there is no other way to describe it. We sat and hung out chatting a little but he wanted some things that I didn’t feel capable of doing that evening, I felt a bit guilty and tried to give him what he wanted, but I wasn’t into it or in the right frame of mind, and I felt guilty. And worse than that I felt like I was a let-down, like a disappointment. I shouldn’t have felt like that. I shouldn’t have felt cheap or a disappointment or like I wasn’t living up to expectations. I didn’t want to be the old me that would pander and bend and do what was asked of me. I’ve been trying so hard to put myself first recently, and then I didn’t put myself first and put him first and did what he wanted, and I felt completely unaligned with myself. I wasn’t comfortable and it showed.

We left the room and hotel at 10.30. He wanted to make sure he could get home, the last train and all that. 10.30… 10.30… TEN FUCKING THIRTY!!!! I went from feeling a cheap disappointment to falling of the ledge into numbness. Then I did something stupid on the walk from the hotel to the train station to catch a cab, I told Clover I was on my way home. She went mad, she was fuming angry with him and the feeling cheap, like a let-down and disappointment got worse, it felt tenfold. I felt like pure shit. He then ordered an uber and paid for it instead of letting me get a cab. I got home, walked through the door and finally let the tears flow. I just felt heartbroken, whatever hope I had that his recent behaviour was a sign he had changed was shattered. I had hoped that he had become the man that I had always thought and believed he had the potential to be, but he smashed that hope. Smashed it to teeny tiny little pieces.

I was genuinely mad at Clover for being mad because it made me feel worse. It made me feel worse because she was making the issue I was trying to ignore, the feelings I kept trying to ignore she was waving them in my face. If I hadn’t been confronted with how I should have let myself be feeling I probably would have been able to bury it and hide it and forget about it in time. But no I had to be confronted and it made me feel shite.

She was really mad and I was really hurt.

That put me in a funk the next day I still felt hurt the next day I felt hurt, the day after I felt angry and hurt. I had enough. I decided I was going to get back to being happy, I decided I was definitely going to be happy and he would not stand in my way. How he made me feel was not going to stand in my way.

I deserved better than that.

I deserved much better than how he treated me that night. I deserved better than how he treated me during our relationship, during our break up and the time since. I deserve to be happy, I deserve to live the life I want to live. I had hoped and wished for so long that Adrian and I could sort things out, but that night was the night that the straw broke the camel’s back. I stopped caring if that was ever going to be an option in our future. I stopped wanting him, as he is I stopped wanting him, I wanted and hoped for the man I believed he could be, the man he has the potential to be because he is clearly clueless that he can be exactly who he wants to be that he keeps fighting becoming. He could be great, truly, but he is so keen to keep behaving and acting like a total dickhead. I wish that my hopes hadn’t been shattered and he had been who I thought he had come closer to becoming. It sucked, it hurt, I didn’t deserve that. I finally accepted my self-respect, my self-worth, and more importantly my self-acceptance and self-love.

I am worthy of not feeling hurt, cheap, worthless, a disappointment. I finally accept and acknowledge that on a much deeper level than I have ever done before. I still believe he could become the person he has always had the potential to be. But without becoming that and showing the change consistently, I am not interesting in coming into proximity with him again.

I had three-four days of being in a really low funk before I turned it around, I turned that around so quickly that I know I am getting better at this. It was nice to know that I can do it.