.: Entry Eighty :.
My name is Elliot Parker.
Recently, I’ve not really felt like myself, I feel like I have been walking around in this meat suit but not really present in any sense. Strange right? I suppose there are worse things to feel. I just feel so at odds with myself, like I am there, I am real and alive, but I don’t feel anything about it. I can see my manifesting and then I am here like, ok so what now? I get like this every so often. I guess I still want to shut myself off from the world at the moment, get my own self a stronger sense of self. Get away from people.
But something happened, before it was just a sort of lazy taking a back seat and a break type thing. Then crazy drama happened that brought me from an energy of eager anticipation and excitement, then that penny dropped. Some energy that had been going on in the background hit, something I didn’t know I produced an energy for and well, when it happened… it was painful. I kept trying to claw myself away from old habits, I kept trying to push forward to that better feeling thought. Every second of the day. When it comes down to it I think the energy I radiated was, I have changed, I want people to see that I have changed and I have a new happy healthy energy going for me. So that’s what the universe gave me a chance to sure up and prove to myself that I have changed. And I know, I know, the past means nothing. I got that chance and more than anything I proved to myself that I have changed. I didn’t enter into a toxic, angry, petty attempt to engage my attention and to engage me in a fight that would have been manipulated. I rose the hell above it. Sure I had some kind of response. It put me in a mood that didn’t serve me, but even then I kept reminding myself reach for that better feeling thought. It kept me out of the water that would be easy to drown in.
It’s great that I have changed and I keep seeing evidence of my progress and my dedication towards my health and happiness. It doesn’t always come naturally. But that attempt at provocation didn’t work how the person had intended. I didn’t even think what was the healthy option, I didn’t enter it, I just blocked them. I can’t help but feel proud of myself. It wasn’t even a conscious effort on the forefront. I can’t help but feel proud of myself, it feels good.
So like I said, I remind myself that the past doesn’t matter. I remind myself that what is doesn’t even matter. I remind myself that reality isn’t important. What is doesn’t matter, it is constantly changing and I get to choose how it changes. I get to be happy… I get to choose to be happy, every time. I get to decide what I want. I get to decide who I want to be.
While it is great, while my progress and my health and happiness is growing stronger in leaps and bounds, there is something that I haven’t yet learned to stop looking at the what-is-ness of. We all know what I am going to say right? Clover. I can’t help but look at her and see her holding herself in a place that hurts her all the damn time. Recently, whenever she calls she would chat then someone would turn up then she starts talking to them, full blown conversations, while I am waiting on the phone. Not cool. When I needed to talk to her after that incident where someone tried to provoke a reaction she was about as supportive as using a piece of paper as a bra. She didn’t answer a call; sure I shouldn’t get mad should I? Except the issue was it was my incident I would have wanted to talk about, not about her boy situation. She doesn’t want to talk about anything but boys.
Clover’s latest boy that has her attention, the one that still isn’t talking to her I might add. Although, he did briefly for a couple of hours before returning to his stance that he couldn’t be friends with her. Well of course that caused meltdowns. Then she got all in a fluster because he broke his phone and intended to change his number. I badly want to scream at her that there is more to life than some boy who has never been your boyfriend/in a relationship with you that you were only speaking to for a few months or so, there is more to life than them. I know I could be called a hypocrite because of Adrian, difference is we were in a relationship, we are still really good friends, we still spend time together, there is still very strong chemistry. The way she acts about the boy changing his phone number, seriously a meltdown wasn’t necessary. He is changing his number, so what? He is doing it for himself, it has nothing at all to do with her, her response to his changing the number was the start of a meltdown. Again. When I didn’t respond in the way she wanted she basically tried to cut the conversation down. My response was that she was perpetuating that energy, I won’t be able to say anything right until she finds a way to feel better about it. The boy wanted a new number, maybe it will bring him what he needs and wants, it could be a good opportunity for him.
But of course when I don’t respond to her in a way that she wants, I am the villain. When my words don’t sound like me agreeing that the world revolves around her… well… I don’t want to constantly be exposed to the negative vibes.
This week I asked her to do one thing, to work out what time we are all meeting for a dinner out for a special event. She “kept forgetting to find out” I got annoyed. I told her that I had asked all week and if she didn’t want to come she should just say. I got back a mini paragraph that I am unreasonable. That she keeps forgetting. Like it is one simple thing that she could even sodding text to find out about. But yet I have to hear hours about the freaking boy who won’t talk to her, constant texts about the boy all day every day, barely having 5 minutes at one time about something other than her or that boy, I am getting annoyed about it and I am close to muting her for a long old while.
The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q
Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q