.: Entry Eighty-One :.
My name is Elliot Parker; it has taken me a while to start to wake up. I am wondering whether it is possible that Clover is a narcissist, at first I wondered if it was co-dependency. There is a reason I thought it was co-dependency, because she defines her life by which boy is giving her what she wants. Sometimes it seems like she will pin her whole existence, her life and self-worth on a boy and the attention he pays her. But I noticed something else, they stop paying her that attention and to her it’s the cause of meltdowns and she will say she has lost all confidence and so on thanks to that boy walking away. That looks co-dependent at first. That is what I thought at first. But then I noticed the constant victim status she wants to wear. I think I misunderstood what co-dependency was for quite a few years.
Clover is often very unwilling to see perspective other than her own and will almost never admit to being wrong. Pair that with the stream of boys she will flirt with and garner attention from for them or herself even to disappear, often with the flirtation failing to grow into anything. Everything in her life exists in its relationship to her, for example when the boy decided to change his number after breaking his phone? That was automatically made about her and how she doesn’t feel good about it, not in the potential good for the boy or that it might be something he needs or has to do. The need to publicly humiliate those she deems have wronged her through social media, whether that’s me for telling it straight as it is or not putting up with her behaviour when I finally have had enough, or it’s her baby daddy for whatever reason that is so very out of proportion. Everything is about her, no one can do or say anything right. I’m not saying she has no good qualities. But I am concerned that she might be on the spectrum of narcissism.
It has taken a while to suspect this but it could explain the cycles of friendship we have gone through. Honestly though? I find it tiring sometimes. She will delay setting a time for plans with her “forgetting” to ask about the times then on the day change the time because she has decided to make a second set of plans right after the plans she made with you. I know I am not the only one annoyed with the way she uses you. The baby daddy has spoken with me a few times about her behaviour, about her cheating on him when they were together. What she didn’t tell me.
Sometimes, being friends with her can be like walking barefoot on the beach, be careful of shells.
It took researching both co-dependency and narcissism to work out what one she probably was. But I noticed my own answers to some of those pages explaining co-dependency, I found resonance in quite a few things they were saying were co-dependent traits. I might have a degree of co-dependency and I can accept that. But I don’t really want to keep being co-dependent, it seems the changes I have been making the last few months and years about pursuing a happy healthy life has also been shredding and releasing myself from the chains so to speak, of co-dependency. Less of my decisions about my life are about what makes other people happy. Yes, I make certain compromises for a quiet life, I can’t fight every battle that comes my way.
Trying to stop people pleasing is hard. For anyone. There has to be a conversation with yourself where you decide what your boundaries are, what you want them to be. Once you decide your boundaries though, that is when things get trickier. A lot of it is deciding who you want to be and who you are. Then you raise your self-esteem and confidence, you need to be ok with saying no. So you need to find alignment with who you are. It all comes down to that doesn’t it? Choosing who you want to be and then just being that person, or trying to be that person every day. Some days that is harder than others. Sometimes you will overstep those boundaries and cave to the pressure to make someone else happy, as is often the case with Clover.
See there was a reason behind the entry… exploring the mechanisms that make Clover and I friends, sure she will go to bat for me and I for her. The hard part for me is when I then blur the boundaries. When the backlash for not blurring the lines hits it makes it hard. Especially when the behaviour pattern doesn’t change. It can be exhausting making excuses for her. Constantly being on your phone in company is annoying, like most recently, at dinner with a mutual friend. She spent so much time on her phone, checking her messages and it was jarring. The mutual friend not once took his phone out around the table, only time mine was out during the cutting of the bill to use the calculator. Turns out her baby daddy keeps telling her off about the phone, a tonne. I mean they fight over it, and I get it, it’s a safety risk to the kiddie.
Sometimes it can be hard, to have a conversation when the other person is on their phone a tonne, or the only thing she wants to talk about is boys. I want to be able to talk about things that aren’t boy related or for boy’s benefits. Like you can go on a diet to feel sexy for yourself. You can do exercise to improve your way of life. You can do so many things for yourself without the need to garner fuss for it. I want to be even more secure in myself that I don’t even need to consider the response of others. I am doing it slowly; it takes time but I am getting there. One step at a time huh?
The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q
Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q