.: Entry Eighty-Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker I am a deliberate creator and I created just what I needed… I had been thinking that I needed to find a nice little part time job, a few hours a week, something easy and consistent. A while later when I gave up my resistance to it there was a notice board with tantalising details out the front, “Part time, temporary”… and I was sold. So I applied. A few days later I get a phone call asking me for an interview, a week later. I was nervous. Like really nervous…

So skip forward to the interview. I am dressed smart, feeling self-conscious, I get there a little bit early, still nervous, I get sat in the canteen and wait.  A few minutes later the man interviewing me arrives. Holds out his hand which I shake and he has the bluest eyes… ever! Ok maybe not ever but you can see them from a distance. So we go to the interview room, I sit down as asked. The questions start slowly, I am nervous, and I am sure it shows. I play with the button on my blouse sleeve trying to sound reasonably competent. I slowly become more aware of my body language playing with the button and stop. I minimise my allowed nervous fidget to my hands holding one another trying to maintain some kind of composure. Trying to think of something sensible and clever something other than “oh my, oh my… those blue eyes…” He had really blue eyes. Insanely blue. So anyway I manage to pre-empt a few answers and give some great textbook perfect answers. I slowly begin to feel a bit more confident. By the end of it I walk out that interview feeling like I did a good job. I was told all about the process of the application and induction progress and it was great. I said good bye at the end of it and walked out of there feeling good and lucky.

So a few days later, I wondered if I would get the call. So anyway, a few more days later and I had spent a while trying to focus on other things and if I do think about the job think of it in a positive way. So anyway, I went to a café and I found myself eating a lovely brownie, its important. The last few brownies I have had at café’s have been mediocre, this brownie was brilliant, gorgeous even. So there I was feeling good listening to a meditation eating this great chocolate brownie and the thought occurred to me “I wonder when I will get the call that I got the job.”

Ten or so minutes later I got the call. I got the job. The shifts are on days that work for me. It just seems to have really fallen into place. I am definitely not disappointed. I’m nervous but not disappointed. It seems that it was a very receptive day. I mean, after I got the call I thought that I might like to see the guy who interviewed me in passing, I did.  I wanted to see Adrian too. Well I saw Adrian after all. Even after Clover interfered. A miracle I know considering the last two times he bailed. This time I wanted to see him more than my resistance was strong.

I mean even though hanging out was cut short, I ended up a bit miffed, but its ok. I sort of had to stop myself from being grumpy about the abandonment because that is my issue and not completely his fault. His friend needed him, I was mad because my nose was out of joint, I wanted to spend time with him in that bubble where the world outside, where problems and life doesn’t matter, good or bad. I needed reminding that he tried his best, I needed reminding that he is still learning and he will get it right in time. He cares, if he didn’t I wouldn’t have seen him to celebrate. He set out that evening with good intentions.

I had gotten caught up in that weird thought, he wouldn’t ask me to marry him etc. I guess I realised that I want a home and a family with him. I guess I decided what I want, what I want to bring about into my life, so I suppose I can squeeze it on here. What do I want in relation to Adrian? A million dollar question?

I want a relationship, home, family, I want to build something real. I want that safe happy home. I guess I’d not be against getting married etc with him. Though I think I would need to know that he had given it some serious thought. I suppose I’d possibly be concerned of it being a spur of the moment thing, that he hadn’t realised what he asked, or wasn’t ready for the commitment. I know that is stupid, because he is not the type of person to do things without putting enough thought into it, that’s more likely me. He will only say or do something unless he wants to, something I do often forget. So yeah, I love him, I want a relationship with him, I want to build a family with him, however it looks. I want that future with him, without any uncertainty. He is the one person on this planet I would say yes to, even if there were some details to be worked out later, like getting on the same page about the future of the relationship, if there was anything we would be needing to compromise on. I like knowing what I want. I like knowing that my certainty in what I want means I have no wobble. I like not having any wobble on what I want, I like knowing what I want. I like knowing that if I know what I want I am essentially in the best aligning energy with what I want than I have ever been. I like knowing the clarity of my desire for a committed relationship with Adrian, I like that certainty. I like being sure, being sure feels great.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11^th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q