.: Entry Eighty-Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker I am a deliberate creator and I created just what I needed… I had been thinking that I needed to find a nice little part time job, a few hours a week, something easy and consistent. A while later when I gave up my resistance to it there was a notice board with tantalising details out the front, “Part time, temporary”… and I was sold. So I applied. A few days later I get a phone call asking me for an interview, a week later. I was nervous. Like really nervous…

So skip forward to the interview. I am dressed smart, feeling self-conscious, I get there a little bit early, still nervous, I get sat in the canteen and wait.  A few minutes later the man interviewing me arrives. Holds out his hand which I shake and he has the bluest eyes… ever! Ok maybe not ever but you can see them from a distance. So we go to the interview room, I sit down as asked. The questions start slowly, I am nervous, and I am sure it shows. I play with the button on my blouse sleeve trying to sound reasonably competent. I slowly become more aware of my body language playing with the button and stop. I minimise my allowed nervous fidget to my hands holding one another trying to maintain some kind of composure. Trying to think of something sensible and clever something other than “oh my, oh my… those blue eyes…” He had really blue eyes. Insanely blue. So anyway I manage to pre-empt a few answers and give some great textbook perfect answers. I slowly begin to feel a bit more confident. By the end of it I walk out that interview feeling like I did a good job. I was told all about the process of the application and induction progress and it was great. I said good bye at the end of it and walked out of there feeling good and lucky.

So a few days later, I wondered if I would get the call. So anyway, a few more days later and I had spent a while trying to focus on other things and if I do think about the job think of it in a positive way. So anyway, I went to a café and I found myself eating a lovely brownie, its important. The last few brownies I have had at café’s have been mediocre, this brownie was brilliant, gorgeous even. So there I was feeling good listening to a meditation eating this great chocolate brownie and the thought occurred to me “I wonder when I will get the call that I got the job.”

Ten or so minutes later I got the call. I got the job. The shifts are on days that work for me. It just seems to have really fallen into place. I am definitely not disappointed. I’m nervous but not disappointed. It seems that it was a very receptive day. I mean, after I got the call I thought that I might like to see the guy who interviewed me in passing, I did.  I wanted to see Adrian too. Well I saw Adrian after all. Even after Clover interfered. A miracle I know considering the last two times he bailed. This time I wanted to see him more than my resistance was strong.

I mean even though hanging out was cut short, I ended up a bit miffed, but its ok. I sort of had to stop myself from being grumpy about the abandonment because that is my issue and not completely his fault. His friend needed him, I was mad because my nose was out of joint, I wanted to spend time with him in that bubble where the world outside, where problems and life doesn’t matter, good or bad. I needed reminding that he tried his best, I needed reminding that he is still learning and he will get it right in time. He cares, if he didn’t I wouldn’t have seen him to celebrate. He set out that evening with good intentions.

I had gotten caught up in that weird thought, he wouldn’t ask me to marry him etc. I guess I realised that I want a home and a family with him. I guess I decided what I want, what I want to bring about into my life, so I suppose I can squeeze it on here. What do I want in relation to Adrian? A million dollar question?

I want a relationship, home, family, I want to build something real. I want that safe happy home. I guess I’d not be against getting married etc with him. Though I think I would need to know that he had given it some serious thought. I suppose I’d possibly be concerned of it being a spur of the moment thing, that he hadn’t realised what he asked, or wasn’t ready for the commitment. I know that is stupid, because he is not the type of person to do things without putting enough thought into it, that’s more likely me. He will only say or do something unless he wants to, something I do often forget. So yeah, I love him, I want a relationship with him, I want to build a family with him, however it looks. I want that future with him, without any uncertainty. He is the one person on this planet I would say yes to, even if there were some details to be worked out later, like getting on the same page about the future of the relationship, if there was anything we would be needing to compromise on. I like knowing what I want. I like knowing that my certainty in what I want means I have no wobble. I like not having any wobble on what I want, I like knowing what I want. I like knowing that if I know what I want I am essentially in the best aligning energy with what I want than I have ever been. I like knowing the clarity of my desire for a committed relationship with Adrian, I like that certainty. I like being sure, being sure feels great.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11^th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

.: Entry Eighty-One :.

My name is Elliot Parker; it has taken me a while to start to wake up. I am wondering whether it is possible that Clover is a narcissist, at first I wondered if it was co-dependency. There is a reason I thought it was co-dependency, because she defines her life by which boy is giving her what she wants. Sometimes it seems like she will pin her whole existence, her life and self-worth on a boy and the attention he pays her. But I noticed something else, they stop paying her that attention and to her it’s the cause of meltdowns and she will say she has lost all confidence and so on thanks to that boy walking away. That looks co-dependent at first. That is what I thought at first. But then I noticed the constant victim status she wants to wear. I think I misunderstood what co-dependency was for quite a few years.

Clover is often very unwilling to see perspective other than her own and will almost never admit to being wrong. Pair that with the stream of boys she will flirt with and garner attention from for them or herself even to disappear, often with the flirtation failing to grow into anything. Everything in her life exists in its relationship to her, for example when the boy decided to change his number after breaking his phone? That was automatically made about her and how she doesn’t feel good about it, not in the potential good for the boy or that it might be something he needs or has to do. The need to publicly humiliate those she deems have wronged her through social media, whether that’s me for telling it straight as it is or not putting up with her behaviour when I finally have had enough, or it’s her baby daddy for whatever reason that is so very out of proportion. Everything is about her, no one can do or say anything right. I’m not saying she has no good qualities. But I am concerned that she might be on the spectrum of narcissism.

It has taken a while to suspect this but it could explain the cycles of friendship we have gone through. Honestly though? I find it tiring sometimes. She will delay setting a time for plans with her “forgetting” to ask about the times then on the day change the time because she has decided to make a second set of plans right after the plans she made with you. I know I am not the only one annoyed with the way she uses you. The baby daddy has spoken with me a few times about her behaviour, about her cheating on him when they were together. What she didn’t tell me.

Sometimes, being friends with her can be like walking barefoot on the beach, be careful of shells.

It took researching both co-dependency and narcissism to work out what one she probably was. But I noticed my own answers to some of those pages explaining co-dependency, I found resonance in quite a few things they were saying were co-dependent traits. I might have a degree of co-dependency and I can accept that. But I don’t really want to keep being co-dependent, it seems the changes I have been making the last few months and years about pursuing a happy healthy life has also been shredding and releasing myself from the chains so to speak, of co-dependency. Less of my decisions about my life are about what makes other people happy. Yes, I make certain compromises for a quiet life, I can’t fight every battle that comes my way.

Trying to stop people pleasing is hard. For anyone. There has to be a conversation with yourself where you decide what your boundaries are, what you want them to be. Once you decide your boundaries though, that is when things get trickier. A lot of it is deciding who you want to be and who you are. Then you raise your self-esteem and confidence, you need to be ok with saying no. So you need to find alignment with who you are. It all comes down to that doesn’t it? Choosing who you want to be and then just being that person, or trying to be that person every day. Some days that is harder than others. Sometimes you will overstep those boundaries and cave to the pressure to make someone else happy, as is often the case with Clover.

See there was a reason behind the entry… exploring the mechanisms that make Clover and I friends, sure she will go to bat for me and I for her. The hard part for me is when I then blur the boundaries. When the backlash for not blurring the lines hits it makes it hard. Especially when the behaviour pattern doesn’t change. It can be exhausting making excuses for her. Constantly being on your phone in company is annoying, like most recently, at dinner with a mutual friend. She spent so much time on her phone, checking her messages and it was jarring. The mutual friend not once took his phone out around the table, only time mine was out during the cutting of the bill to use the calculator. Turns out her baby daddy keeps telling her off about the phone, a tonne. I mean they fight over it, and I get it, it’s a safety risk to the kiddie.

Sometimes it can be hard, to have a conversation when the other person is on their phone a tonne, or the only thing she wants to talk about is boys. I want to be able to talk about things that aren’t boy related or for boy’s benefits. Like you can go on a diet to feel sexy for yourself. You can do exercise to improve your way of life. You can do so many things for yourself without the need to garner fuss for it. I want to be even more secure in myself that I don’t even need to consider the response of others. I am doing it slowly; it takes time but I am getting there. One step at a time huh?

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11^th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

.: Entry Eighty :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Recently, I’ve not really felt like myself, I feel like I have been walking around in this meat suit but not really present in any sense. Strange right? I suppose there are worse things to feel. I just feel so at odds with myself, like I am there, I am real and alive, but I don’t feel anything about it. I can see my manifesting and then I am here like, ok so what now? I get like this every so often. I guess I still want to shut myself off from the world at the moment, get my own self a stronger sense of self. Get away from people.

But something happened, before it was just a sort of lazy taking a back seat and a break type thing. Then crazy drama happened that brought me from an energy of eager anticipation and excitement, then that penny dropped. Some energy that had been going on in the background hit, something I didn’t know I produced an energy for and well, when it happened… it was painful. I kept trying to claw myself away from old habits, I kept trying to push forward to that better feeling thought. Every second of the day. When it comes down to it I think the energy I radiated was, I have changed, I want people to see that I have changed and I have a new happy healthy energy going for me. So that’s what the universe gave me a chance to sure up and prove to myself that I have changed. And I know, I know, the past means nothing. I got that chance and more than anything I proved to myself that I have changed. I didn’t enter into a toxic, angry, petty attempt to engage my attention and to engage me in a fight that would have been manipulated. I rose the hell above it. Sure I had some kind of response. It put me in a mood that didn’t serve me, but even then I kept reminding myself reach for that better feeling thought. It kept me out of the water that would be easy to drown in.

It’s great that I have changed and I keep seeing evidence of my progress and my dedication towards my health and happiness. It doesn’t always come naturally. But that attempt at provocation didn’t work how the person had intended. I didn’t even think what was the healthy option, I didn’t enter it, I just blocked them. I can’t help but feel proud of myself. It wasn’t even a conscious effort on the forefront. I can’t help but feel proud of myself, it feels good.

So like I said, I remind myself that the past doesn’t matter. I remind myself that what is doesn’t even matter. I remind myself that reality isn’t important. What is doesn’t matter, it is constantly changing and I get to choose how it changes. I get to be happy… I get to choose to be happy, every time. I get to decide what I want. I get to decide who I want to be.

While it is great, while my progress and my health and happiness is growing stronger in leaps and bounds, there is something that I haven’t yet learned to stop looking at the what-is-ness of. We all know what I am going to say right? Clover. I can’t help but look at her and see her holding herself in a place that hurts her all the damn time. Recently, whenever she calls she would chat then someone would turn up then she starts talking to them, full blown conversations, while I am waiting on the phone. Not cool. When I needed to talk to her after that incident where someone tried to provoke a reaction she was about as supportive as using a piece of paper as a bra. She didn’t answer a call; sure I shouldn’t get mad should I? Except the issue was it was my incident I would have wanted to talk about, not about her boy situation. She doesn’t want to talk about anything but boys.

Clover’s latest boy that has her attention, the one that still isn’t talking to her I might add. Although, he did briefly for a couple of hours before returning to his stance that he couldn’t be friends with her. Well of course that caused meltdowns. Then she got all in a fluster because he broke his phone and intended to change his number. I badly want to scream at her that there is more to life than some boy who has never been your boyfriend/in a relationship with you that you were only speaking to for a few months or so, there is more to life than them. I know I could be called a hypocrite because of Adrian, difference is we were in a relationship, we are still really good friends, we still spend time together, there is still very strong chemistry. The way she acts about the boy changing his phone number, seriously a meltdown wasn’t necessary. He is changing his number, so what? He is doing it for himself, it has nothing at all to do with her, her response to his changing the number was the start of a meltdown. Again. When I didn’t respond in the way she wanted she basically tried to cut the conversation down. My response was that she was perpetuating that energy, I won’t be able to say anything right until she finds a way to feel better about it. The boy wanted a new number, maybe it will bring him what he needs and wants, it could be a good opportunity for him.

But of course when I don’t respond to her in a way that she wants, I am the villain. When my words don’t sound like me agreeing that the world revolves around her… well… I don’t want to constantly be exposed to the negative vibes.

This week I asked her to do one thing, to work out what time we are all meeting for a dinner out for a special event. She “kept forgetting to find out” I got annoyed. I told her that I had asked all week and if she didn’t want to come she should just say. I got back a mini paragraph that I am unreasonable. That she keeps forgetting. Like it is one simple thing that she could even sodding text to find out about. But yet I have to hear hours about the freaking boy who won’t talk to her, constant texts about the boy all day every day, barely having 5 minutes at one time about something other than her or that boy, I am getting annoyed about it and I am close to muting her for a long old while.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11^th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

.: Entry Seventy-Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker and the dream didn’t end there.

So I was totally not in the mood for Adrian’s drunk tantrum. “Well apparently your friend fancies you.”

“Like that even matters. What is the real problem?” I’m getting really annoyed.

“Nothing” He mumbled.

“Look you are the one who said that you don’t want a relationship that we will never work etc. For the record, Sawyer is a friend. If you are so bothered maybe next time I invite you to go do something cos I got you a ticket so you had the opportunity you won’t flat out reject the chance again.” I’m not wrong.

“What so your gonna punish me for it?” Don’t tempt me.

“What? None of this is about you. Sawyer likes the theatre, he took your ticket up and hung out with us. You are only yelling and complaining at me cos Clover called you out on it and you don’t like it. You chose to go out with your friends and get drunk in the pub, how you normally do. We chose to go out and have a great evening.”

“I don’t want to get into this right now.” Running away again?

“Nothing new there. That makes two of us. You are the one who called up yelling.”

“Yeah sorry.” He grumbled. I rarely get a sincere genuine apology, if I ever get one. “You looked like you were having a fun evening, get back to it.” Are you kidding me? Like seriously?

“You too, enjoy your evening.” Dickhead. Not even in a relationship. Insisted on being friends, what does he think? He is the only person on this planet who will be attracted to me and I should be freaking grateful he’s willing to throw the occasional bone my way so to speak. I can’t believe how mad I have gotten.

I walk back in the room and slump onto the sofa. Clover hands me my drink and I take a sip. “Who was that?” She asked like butter wouldn’t melt.

“So you texted Adrian. Thanks, I got yelled at for having fun.” I snap. Out of the corner of my eye I see Sawyer go off to the bathroom and I quickly give Clover the cliff notes. When I am done I asked her why she did it. at first she shrugged.

“I thought he should have come, he keeps messing things up with you and Sawyer seems to like you and I could just see him missing his chance with you and thought that he should know and try fighting for you.”

“Well he didn’t. He yelled at me and acted like a spoiled brat because someone else is playing with his toy.” I stood up and walked over to the kitchen and pulled out some fruit juice from the fridge. Not wanting the booze in my glass I tip it down the sink and rinse it out before pouring some apple and mango out.

I made Clover a drink, with a bit more alcohol than I would usually pour, topped it up with a mixer and handed it over. Sawyer coughed getting my attention “trying to get her drunk?”

“Maybe, kinda hoping she will either go home or go to bed soon.”

“Why?” Sawyer asked tasting my glass “no alcohol in here?”

“Yup. To be honest, I kinda want to hang out with you a bit and chat without feeling like I’m being watched.” He smiled at me and poured himself a glass of juice.

“Same.” He whispered in my ear before he took Clover’s drink into the other room and handed it to her. I passed Hal his and he told me that he had called his ride to go home. I can’t blame him it had been a long day and Clover was a bit tipsy. “Is there any chance you could take Clover back with you? I think she would probably find it easier to wake up in her own bed tomorrow with a raging hang over.” I joked a little.

A few minutes before Hal had to go Sawyer piped up “I’ll help you clear up and then get an uber home if that’s ok?” a little taken aback I nodded. Hal took Clover home.

Sawyer was true to his word, he helped take the glasses into the kitchen and neatened things up a bit. “Still getting the uber or did you wanna crash on the spare bed?” I asked, sort of innocently.

“Is it ok if I crash here?”

“Rather you than her… do you want a cuppa?” I offer and he puts the kettle on. We make the tea together and go and sit on the sofa together. It was pleasant. We chatted. It was nice. He gently took my hand in his and it just felt relaxed, soothing almost as he rubbed circles in my palm with his thumb. It really had been a long day and fighting the urge to doze was hard. After a while I showed him to the spare room.

“Before I say goodnight,” he started, still holding my hand in his. I felt him inch a little closer and gently leant into me. His lips were soft on mine. It would have been easy to keep kissing in that moment and not stop. It was tempting. Very tempting. Instead I took a half step back. He didn’t look offended, instead he smiled at me and said, “I’ll go at your pace. To be honest, a one-night stand wasn’t what I had in mind.”

“What did you have in mind?” I couldn’t resist asking, even if my voice was quiet.

“I’d like to date you, really get to know you. I’m interested in finding out if there is anything real there between us. It’s up to you.”

“I’d like that too.” I can’t help but smile. I pulled him in for another quick kiss, just briefly, not wanting to risk the temptation before I said goodnight and he went into the spare room and I disappeared off into my own bedroom.

That’s where that dream ended. So realistic, that I could have sworn it had happened if it wasn’t for the difference in the day and time. It’s given me a lot to think about.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11^th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q