.: Entry One-Hundred and Two :.
My name is Elliot Parker. I did something I haven’t done in such a long time. I read a book, actually I read more than one. Four to be exact. In just over a week. I couldn’t stop. I was obsessed. Not a self-help book. Not a meditation book. Just a book. There’s something about opening a book and letting it transform you in a way and boy do I feel different. I feel, so much more the badass than I remember feeling for a long time. This was something independent on realities influence.
At work, lots of people come and go, someone surprised me though. I had been walking around and a man, elderly. With grey hair and dark tan skin and a smile called to me. I had been thinking about getting home reading more of that book and the man, he said “hello your majesty” to get my attention. I was surprised. Utterly. He smiled and was lovely and polite and asked a couple of questions and told me a little of his family before I had to go and help someone. I didn’t see him leave, but he had truly surprised me. Being called “your majesty” was strange. I don’t know, I kinda liked it. I suppose. I think it was funny in a way, a way to see deliberate creation at work, instantaneous, resistant free. The book I had been reading was about a queen. A badass one at that.
In reality, I know I am no queen. But there is a problem with that, I have to correct that, because in some ways I am. In the spirit dreams, I am. Even though I haven’t had any in ages, I know regardless of what dream I enter, there is a degree of something unwritten. In my dreams I am the one thing I have never associated myself with being, I can’t imagine my waking days as being royalty. It feels like a much too precious a thing. But when it comes to dreams that is different.
There was something else in those books that unleashed something. Not a badass queen. No this was different.
I hadn’t thought about it before, the type of kisses that there are, the way a kiss can feel.
I can’t remember what the last one with Adrian was like. I can’t work it out. I can’t imagine it, not that I want to.
But I can remember the last one I had when Dyl dropped me home Saturday. It was freezing and we were tired. It was starting to rain. Where I live creates this wind tunnel kind of effect, which makes my hair whirl and whip and it becomes a total mess. He kissed me softly, like one of those well practiced, well executed goodbye kisses. In that moment that wasn’t enough. So when he pulled back, I couldn’t resist snaking my hand round to the back of his neck and pulling him into another kiss. I didn’t want it to end, I suppose it could be called a hungry kiss. The kind where you pull someone closer, the kind where you want it to show them how you feel about them. That kind of kiss that says “you’re it, you’re the one, you are mine” was what I had aimed for.
This morning I woke up and realised that it is about time we celebrated that we have made it so far, given how resistant I was at first to let myself develop feelings for him. I remember it feeling like I was fighting the inevitable, like I was fighting a losing battle and it petrified me in some ways, falling for him if he wasn’t feeling the same. After how we started, it wouldn’t have been an irrational fear. We were only meant to be friends with benefits. Short lived. Turns out that was impossible, we ended up falling in love and no matter how much I tried to resist I knew that was what was happening. I tried living in denial. But we started dating and became practically inseparable. Like an addiction. When I feel weak and stressed and like there is the wildest hurricane of negative emotion in me just a small moment with him; a message, a call, a smile, a hug, a kiss… it just revives me and brings me to this irresistible peace.
Today I woke up and felt like celebrating, I guess total appreciation for where I am in my life now is pretty good. Even with family passing judgement today that I wasted so much of my potential and ended up in this job. But I am just thankful I did, because I am where I needed to be all along. I found someone that brings me peace, I found my vocation and passion, and I found a job to tide me over until my passion is financially justified. That is ok. I am happy and I am ready with all these good things going on with life…
There is no such thing as wasted potential. The families dream for me were different from my own, I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. Until I started making those decisions for myself. Until I decided who I wanted to be none of it would have mattered and making them happy wouldn’t have made me happy. I wouldn’t be here now.
I know who I am. That is more than enough. I am happy with who I am. I am satisfied immensely and I know that there is an out pouring of good things, an abundance of everything I desire flowing to me with ease and joy. I am happy. I am in love. I am me. I am Elliot Parker, deliberate creator… who needs to work a little harder at consistently deliberately creating her life. But hey what’s a little contrast for a girl who has changed her life, saved it in some respects.