.: Entry One-Hundred and One :.

My name is Elliot Parker and it has been a long while since I paid much attention to my thoughts and I think that is now biting me on the butt big time. Counter intuitive I know, after all, your thoughts become things.  I have found myself trying to pull back from Dyl, not because I want to but because I have been worried I have been asking for too much of his time. I suppose I didn’t expect the old scars of the last relationship to be bothering me when I am happy, because I am happy. Yet here the scars are, seeping in and making me worry. I think all the time I was with Adrian I felt like I was always asking too much of him, too much a demand on his time because he never seemed to willingly give it, I know that was not how a relationship was supposed to be. And yet now, when Dyl gives me his time so willingly I am worrying I am overstaying my welcome in his company, that I am over stepping. Not because he makes me feel that way. But because I have learned to feel that way. I know it feels absolutely ridiculous and I can barely explain it to myself.

I suppose, I had harboured the fears for a week or two now. I suppose, perhaps triggered by a choice that was recently made. I said that he had to choose what was right for him. I meant it. I know that my concerns are probably one-hundred percent illogical. He chose a day off that would give us most of an evening together and to be fair he chose a day he wanted off. Part of me just seemed to get caught up in the worry that there was something more to it, something more to his choice of not going for a day where we would have off together. I suppose logic wasn’t the first thought or feeling perhaps I had, I suppose, it felt something more akin to feeling a little like hurt or rejection. Stupid but true. I suppose giving that some quiet validation and being able to then logically invalidate my concerns. Rather than harbour them and keep them quiet I stopped letting that concern fester and grow, I opened it into a conversation with Dyl at last today… it was completely illogical to have those concerns. It took less than five minutes to be able to dismantle the concerns with his support. Rather than taking them as an affront Dyl tried to understand the how and the why. Then showed me how he decided that the decision was aside of the concerns I had and reminded me that he wants us to move in together. And like that the concerns dissipated. It turns out giving the concerns a voice and bringing them to the table was the right path for us. It helped alleviate them.

Being able to talk about my concerns, allowing them that brief voice was the best way to dismiss them and turn them to nothing more than smoke in the air. It took its power away, it took the thoughts power away, the power to over think the concern was lifted and it became much easier to walk away from without that niggling after thought. That was exactly wanted.

I don’t think I could pull back from Dyl no matter how many times I have tried. When we first started talking, I tried and failed. When we first started hanging out, again I tried to pull back and I failed. As I developed feelings I tried again and failed. I don’t think it is possible for me to be able to pull away. I try to pull away when I am scared but with him it can at times be very much impossible to feel anything other than happiness and love and I know that it is right. I know that we are right, we are naturally drawn together because we make each other happy. We try to calm each other’s fears or concerns or worries. I know I fought us developing into a relationship for a very long time. I was so afraid of a relationship like the last but I know it would be impossible for us to ever replicate that. Our relationship is formed on so many wonderful things, on happiness and trust and patience and love and respect. How can a darkness such as fear and insecurity live in such bright wonderful feelings? The simple answer is that it can’t.

I am amazed every day when I wake up, there is no challenge to think of something wonderful. That very first thought of the day is no longer negative or a challenge to find that something wonderful. My first thought when I wake up is being thankful to have Dyl in my life. Starting the day with that one thankful thought can make it easier to avalanche a thought of something else wonderful and appreciative. Each day begins wonderfully with a thankful blessed feeling and every night ends with the same thankful blessed feeling. I can’t help but keep feeling lucky and sure and wonderful every day.

I think that my harbouring those concerns for that week without giving them voice and air to turn them to smoke couldn’t even stop my general happiness, sure it brought me into a little bit of a weird dissociative feeling. Like a strange funk. Like I had second guessed my own second guessing for a week, now that is over its kind of like a wave of quiet relief.

My name is Elliot Parker, and I am not going to be my own worst enemy anymore. I am just going to enjoy being happy and stop getting in my own way. Stop over thinking things. I am happy and that is important. I am safe and that is wonderful. I am in love.