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New Year… New Goals!

Posted on by arappleby

For the last few years my version of a New Years Resolution has been the 24/7 goals.

How does it work?

I hear no one ask… Well it is fairly simple, you set 24 goals to achieve across the year, big or small (although give yourself a couple of fairly easy to achieve ones in order to get a little dopamine hit of ticking them off). In that time the minimum you need to complete is 7, that’s all you have to do to be able to say “I completed my New Years resolution this year.”

For the past few years, I have indeed completed the dreaded “New Years Resolution” with a couple of goals to spare, last year I managed a grand total of 10 out of 24.

So what counts?

Anything really.

Your goal list could include:

  • Eat more fruits and vegetables (or just healthier in general)
  • Walk more
  • Exercise
  • Visit a beach
  • Develop a new routine
  • Deep clean the house a few times this year
  • Have a clear out and de-clutter
  • Spend time with family or friends
  • Watch a whole tv series
  • Complete a savings goal
  • Something mega practical and boring like make a will
  • Complete a crafting project
  • Learn a new skill
  • Read x number of books
  • Cook something new
  • Set up a “work” space
  • Create a new habbit
  • Organise Christmas by July if you have the motivation
  • Get a hobby
  • Move house
  • Get that job change done and dusted
  • Career change
  • Midlife crisis

The point is the list is going to be something you want to do. You could even get super accurate or organised and give yourself targeted goals. You could base some goals around your health (physical, emotional, spiritual and even financial), your environment (home, work and adventures), the relationships in your life (at home, work and your community) and your growth (career, finances, creativity, the time you spend at rest and play). These goals can be what you need for yourself, what you want and need for your whole life “glow up” process.

An epiphany post dream

Posted on by arappleby

So I thought why not write it out and make more sense of last nights dream and here I am.

Last night I dreamt that essentially I had to manage everyone else’s “big feelings” despite my own. I pretty much ran around in this dream trying to regulate everyone else’s emotions and make them feel better. The whole time I was unable to deal with my own stuff because I had to fix everyone else’s.

It wasn’t a very veiled dream. It’s essentially what I’ve done since childhood. So when I woke up I was more annoyed that even in sleep I was suppressing my stuff to make it better for everyone around me.

Some of my first thoughts waking up were well obviously I don’t need to do that.

  • Why did I feel the need to fix it for everyone else?
  • Why do I feel frustrated by this?
  • Why is this a sore point for me? Is there something going on where I feel like I’m suppressing how I feel again?
  • What do I want to do with this information?
  • What did I learn?

So let’s break this all down.

Why did I feel the need to fix it for everyone?

Since childhood I’m aware (thanks to therapy) I spent most of my time “fixing” parental emotional needs. This is a pattern that I’ve struggled with for years. Others having big feelings around me makes me uncomfortable. It means while I’m trying to make it all better for everyone else I become more and more dis-regulated. Everyone else is comfy and happy while I’ve set myself on fire.

Why do I feel frustrated by this?

Because it’s what I learned as a child and I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to be setting myself on fire for everyone else’s comfort. I made their big feelings better but I’m now spending my adulthood learning what these feelings are within myself and my own experience. It’s a struggle to experience them let alone voice these negative feelings at times.

I simply don’t want to do it for others anymore. It’s not my responsibility to bear the consequences for others for their comfort. It’s not my responsibility to bear the discomfort for them hurting my feelings and not take up the space to say “this is not ok. Stop!” I should be able to express that and give myself the space to deal with how I feel in my own time and space.

Why is this a sore point for me? Is there something going on where I feel like I’m suppressing how I feel again?

The dream feels symptomatic. I feel like I’m worried about regulating others around me whilst I’m still processing my own feelings.

I feel like that by certain others I am expected to smother how I feel and put it aside for their comfort and to do things to the beat of their drums. I’m still processing and that’s taking time.

Being able to vocalise having the feelings and what bothers me is hard enough to do due to a life time of conditioning. It take time for me to then process that I managed to get it out my mouth to begin with. It doesn’t help to then get the flying monkeys pop up and basically get themselves involved when it wasn’t addressed to them instead of the ones it was addressed to.

So I guess I am feeling like there is a pressure to minimise the space I’m taking up for others comfort. I haven’t done it and I don’t want to.

What do I want to do with this information?

I want to reassure myself and my inner child that the only emotions I am responsible for are my own, the only emotions I am responsible for the “fixing” of are mine, for the regulating of belong to me. I am not here to fix what is beyond my control.

What did I learn?

It’s ok for me to have feelings good or bad, big or small. It’s ok for me to take up space. Regulating other people’s emotions is no longer my job and I’m not doing it anymore. It’s ok. It is ok for me to say “this is not my responsibility. This stops now.”

I don’t want to keep doing it is the biggest take away I have. It’s not healthy. It doesn’t help anyone. How I feel is my job. It takes a long time to process how I feel, it’s still strange and foreign to me but even though it takes time I am beginning to really understand that it’s ok and healthy to express how I feel. How others respond to me speaking it out loud or taking the time to process things says a lot about them. It also gives me more to consider as to whether or not the relationship is healthy or sustainable.

Overall

I’m glad I had the dream. Even if when I woke up I was pissed off about it. Sure it was a dream but it was a reminder that I’m still unlearning unsustainable, unhealthy coping mechanisms. The fact I understand them for being that shows that I’ve moved forward and started making progress.

It’s given me a bit of clarity on stuff that’s going on around me that I’ve been undecided about. I’m not 100% decided yet but I’m getting there in my own time.

Mum life

Posted on by arappleby

Are used to think writing was more of a ritual. That I could sit down and set up, have my tea and I’ll have my biscuits. I’ll basically be very, very relaxed when I write. Being a mum is the opposite. When I write it stolen moments in time punctured by babbling or miss behaviours, being cheeky, someone wanting attention. Someone not respecting the process, if there is such a thing.

Nowadays I can’t write and snap if I’m distracted or I can’t be upset I’ve been distracted I have my attention taken away. Because now it’s being taken out by the most amazing little human that I’m raising. Which is petrifying same time.

The only thing I wished is that it was easier to write now. Now writing makes me feel guilty because it’s time for myself even if it’s stolen two seconds here and there it’s something that belongs to me. Mum guilt is strong.

Being able to sit down with the notebooks and reference notes and start writing doesn’t seem a possibility at the moment. Majority of the time I have is spent writing these kinds of posts. Little ones.

It’s a world of guilt. Because at the moment I am not willing to say I need to not be distracted for one or two hours unless I really have no choice. So I put writing back on the pile of later. I would hazard a guess that the characters in the story I’m writing are probably feeling a bit neglected right now. It’s understandable.

Being a mum and being a writer and trying to find some kind of balance isn’t something I’ve managed yet. And with the babble for attention in the background taking me away. I will say I will write more later.

Stay safe out there. And may luck and adventure be on your side.

Xxx

Dinner of the week

Posted on by arappleby
Roast chicken thighs with mega mushroom risotto

So this weeks outstanding dinner was a mushroom risotto with chicken. Reviews were that is ‘banging’ and worth making again.

So here’s what I used… (plus chicken thighs that were roasted plain) I admit I cooked this in a wok.


2 chicken oxo, large white onion, olive oil, small cup white wine, 1 tsp of mixed herbs, garlic granules, onion granules, about 2 punnets of mushrooms, small bit of lemon for juice
Mushrooms (1 punnet chestnut, white and even a punnet of shitake because we could get hold of them), frozen peas, risotto rice

So how did I do it? Well I started with the onions gently frying them until they turned translucent and then added risotto rice I had to eye ball it because I’m lazy.

It’s not a big tub like around half a litre at most!
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Tonight’s success

Posted on by arappleby

Tonight I made pork chops.

Is it possible to eat pork chops with no gallbladder? Yes and no. I take regular medication now before I eat. It’s the only way I can eat an almost normal diet. Truth be told I doubt I will ever be able to tolerate stuff like kfc or McDonald’s again. Unless they stop deep frying every thing. God I miss McDonald’s and cottage chicken (prefer it to kfc less reactive for some reason). Any way I waffled enough.

Sorry I didn’t take pictures if I’m honest I only thought about posting this as a recipe in the shower just now so you know… I liked them enough to want to share. Plus we ate dinner like we literally inhaled it kind of thing.

If you like a good pork chop try this out

Get a frying pan that can go in the oven.
Preheat to gas mark 6 (I think that is around 180/200)
Pork loin steaks (no bones yay)

In a small bowl
1 chicken oxo cube broken up
1 tsp each of mixed herbs, garlic granules, onion granules
1/2 to 3/4 tsp of medium peri peri Nando’s seasoning
Mix it up and use half the mix to coat one side of the chops give it a little rub in
With the frying pan on hot a small amount of olive oil put the coated side down of the chops
While they caramelise sprinkle the rest of the seasoning on the other side of the chops and carefully pat it in
Once the chops have had about 2 mins and the bottom has caramelised flip them over
Drizzle some honey on each one individually
Put the pan into the oven for around 15 odd minutes maybe a little longer if you like the caramelised edge crust.

Remove the chops from the pan throw in some gravy granules and hot water and use the pan residue for gravy.
I served with simple roast potatoes, sweetheart cabbage and green beans
Would be lovely with Yorkshire puddings too but they often make me ill so gave them a miss.

Let me know if you try this I would love to see photos, not just because I didn’t think to take any I would just like to know if it works for you.