.: Entry Sixty-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker and sometimes I just want to run away from my life. A lot of the time. But that is not exactly a secret.

That trapped feeling has been almost impossible to escape recently. I just want it to be over. I want to just see the world through new eyes. I just want to not feel trapped or stuck.

Today should be Adrian and I’s third anniversary. Last year I felt really mad at this time of year. I think last year, my status was “When your phone is a sarcastic bastard and decides to remind you today would have been an anniversary day with your ex… Well… Just lovely… A year later I’m stronger and better for the could have beens. A year ago it was the first year anniversary and boy was I mad. This year it’s all about the progress and change, I appreciate the good and the bad of the last two years and the years before it and I am looking forward to the future and all the good stuff coming…”

Well, obviously I wasn’t happy. Not the sparkling ray of sunshine I am today… today I am the sarcastic bastard as I so poetically put it. That’s the thing, I was still finding my feet on the whole being a deliberate creator thing. I don’t feel how I did back then. That is why todays status, is the ever sarcastic, “today is going to be a great day” thing. That’s not exactly a lie. Today has been fairly good, but I know it’s from my desire to run away and live a different life, to be someone else.

Something that I have always struggled with, wanting to be someone else, anyone else but me.

I love Adrian, we all know that. But right now, I am so close to running away from life like no tomorrow…

I had thought I would date myself today. Do things to make me happy. Anything to make me happy. I don’t even know what I want, what would make me happy right now?

It’s like sleep walking through life. I keep trying to wake up but sometimes I just can’t manage it, it is so hard to break the habit.

I am on that road I know for waking up more and doing the amazing things that I want to do with my life. There is so much to do, so many things to try. I just don’t want to keep missing out on life. So I asked for an idea of what I can do. Or should I say for advice?

So this is what I received as an answer:

“You know you put your life on hold. So plan your day, do stretches when you wake up. You can be ready to stretch beyond the comfort zone, do things that energize you or broaden your boundaries, things that challenge you. Then you can take the caffeine, do what energizes you that allows you to feel that burst of excitement. Then get dressed for the day, just think of it like you prepare for the day ahead. And there may be rain, but you know it will get sunny again. There are going to be things that you don’t plan and it may do a little damage, and that is ok, it is only for a short while. Then when you leave the house you work towards a destination. You’re not leaving it all behind for forever, you are going out to do what you were meant to do in life. You will return home, to rest. I think you should go to school because you are bright and you could do amazing things, but that is me talking and this needs to be what you want for yourself. It is up to you so alter it to what you want to pursue in life. Finally, when it comes to relationships, I think when you are awake and out in your world the right man will come to be a part of your life. I didn’t dislike Adrian for himself, but it was because you were willing to sacrifice your life, and you have so many brilliant possibilities. You were willing to take care of him because he needed taking care of and because you have been accustomed to taking care of people you got good at it. But it’s too high a cost. You need someone who nurtures you while you nurture them. If you can become good at taking care of people you can also become good at being taken care of. Allow yourself to practice that!”

My friend is a source of wisdom and truth and I think the advice was very true. I have basically been sleep walking through life and now I am ready to change my life. In whatever way that comes about. I think the thing that is important to me more than anything is that I give myself a fair shot. I am ready to start doing something with life. There is a true importance to no longer keep living the life I am without thinking, absent minded routine that has you feeling trapped. I want to be free and I let myself get out of this routine. There is a desire to break free and I know I can do it. I just don’t know what I am going to do next.

I think maybe I will let myself take more of a back seat with my thoughts around Adrian to be handed to the universe, with a whatever happens, happens view. I am hoping that waking up isn’t going to hurt too much, but being truly awake and ready and experiencing life just the way it was intended to be. I am more accepting of the energy and the decisions that I get to make on this journey of being a deliberate creator. It is a long journey, and every time I think I have nailed it I find myself playing catch up.

 

.: Entry Sixty-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker, except, right now I don’t want it to be. I want to be someone else, anyone else. I would love to just explore things through another perspective. I love just being in this universe and all the possibilities that it offers but sometimes, just sometimes I would love to experience things through someone else’s eyes.

I am sure that I am not the only person to ever wonder what it would be like to experience the world through someone else’s eyes? How they touch and taste and feel this world around them.

I just have this urge to meditate into this new place and just see where it takes me. What the swirling colours around me reveal. So that is what I am going to do. I am going to meditate and see if I can unite with my higher self, to find the who I really am that I am seeking. I am certain I can type with my eyes closed and not make too many errors…

As I close my eyes, the colours of the room fade behind my eyelids and I can see bright warm shapes and the colours morph and the words come to me. I know I can do both and reveal what I am searching for, even if I haven’t consciously understood what that is. The colours change and swirl. I can feel the calmness and soothing feeling of the soft music that is playing. I know that I am comfortable and calm and taking gentle breaths. The colours morph from a warm palette to a colourful swirling and every breath feels easy and soft and effortless.

I can ignore and resist the pull of my buzzing phone. It feels good to let go of the me ness that is standing in resistance of my desires. I know that with every breath inwards allowing energies are coming into me, transforming my body, releasing the resistance and allowing it to be expelled in every out breath. I am amazed that I can type so well with my eyes closed. I suppose I have become very familiar with my keyboard, that feels nice. This diary feels nice. I like the gentle ease that comes from this writing, I like the letting go feeling of losing my resistance. I know that everything is always working out for me, I know that everything is working out for me. I know that it is ok to let go of the control I think I have to exert over my surroundings. I know that it is good to release the concept of control, it is faulty and it will not aid me going forward. Trying to control is being resistant of what I am desiring in my eagerness to do something to make what I am desiring to happen. That is ok. It is ok to let go. It is ok to release the emotions that do not serve me. It is ok to rest and relax in every day taking the time to meditate regularly will restore my inner peace. Inner peace feels good, a nice neutral stand point that will allow me to expand my life in any direction that I choose. i can do anything that I desire without being held back or frozen by fear or anxiety. I can release my anxiety to the universe to transform into surety. It is nice to choose clarity. I like that I can let go of any emotion that is not making me feel good. I like feeling good.

I like that thoughts and words are flowing to me easily and effortlessly I like this feeling of eagerness. I know that my desires are unfolding and there is nothing I need to do. I can let go of the desires. I can write them down on a to do list for the universe and not think of it again. I will not be putting resistance in my path. I will have handed the doing-ness to the universe to take care of and I will have to do no efforting to make it happen. It will happen as it has been desired and I will find that my energy will resonate beautifully with the desires that I hold and will bring them into existence.

They are already coming into existence. It feels good to know that my desires are on their way, they are more than desires, they are my experiences, my future conditions that will be a source of joy. I am excited for these future conditions and know that my happiness will stem from my allowing of the desire more than its manifestation. That I am able to choose my life and experiences and I get to choose the things and experiences that I believe will serve me and be a condition that I am joyful for the manifesting of. There is a great joy in believing that I have my desires and it is already here, it is falling into place and I know I am deliberately creating clarity and conditions that bring pleasure.

The universe has heard my asking and is accepting and delivering what I desire as I come to full resonance and alignment of my energy and essence. There is no lack or deprivation of what I am wanting. My energy is transforming to ready allowing and alignment and there is no efforting to make things happen. It is in my feeling good that I am finding myself in beautiful resonance with my inner being. Everything is working out for me and there is no contrast too big or great that can destroy me, there is no condition that will ever impede on my well-being and joy forever. It is all temporary in my adventure. I am consistently making the decision that I want to feel good and the universe is bring that to me which it is known and believed to be that will make me happy and joyful for an eternity because I am a wonderful deliberate creator.

.: Entry Sixty-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Today I had a chat with Adrian, he invited me to come out there to see him. I know it’s not the first time he suggested it and I do kinda like the idea. Ok I like the idea. I think that now I know some of the other people I care about’s opinions on it in my life, I put resistance in my path. I guess that now I am ready to embrace and enjoy life, so ready that this opportunity came around. My only resistance now is that my finances wouldn’t like it. When I told him that the finances aren’t do able right now he said he would pay for it. Like the road blocks, what should be resistant just got picked up and taken out of the picture. He is being so sweet and so generous, it is so lovely of him to offer.

I like that my resistance gets picked up, acknowledged, transformed and changes into the best allowing. It’s fun.

I want to go see him, I don’t want to travel particularly but I do want to see him. I want to spend time with him. The thing is, he doesn’t want me to do anything to earn my keep so to speak. It’s really cool. So hopefully sometime very soon I will be seeing him. I would like to see what staying in his company for a week would be like in this situation.

Here’s something else, the realists, the doomsday bringers will poke holes and bring down my energy and bring in resistance. But I know their opinion doesn’t really matter, so I feel like even with a ten-minute blast of negativity from my family member that made me feel so not good enough, so not enough, so negative and resistant. It has been five minutes and I am rising back to the hopeful and excitable energy I had before.

That’s the thing, the family doesn’t like Adrian for whatever point scoring reasons my mother imagined in her imaginary competition in her head to make him the villain and sabotage. But me, I look at Adrian and I know I love him. He is the kindest, sweetest, funniest, nerdiest guy I have ever loved in my life. The true love thing right? That wonderful unconditional love.

I love the getting better to feeling good sensation. I love being able to change my feelings by choosing my thoughts with more care. It feels nice to be in control of my feelings, or should I say being in control of the direction of my feelings.

I think the idea of the finances being in the way is just something easily over looked, so I suppose that is just the universes way of saying don’t worry about it. I like the universe telling me not to worry it feels like I get to enjoy the whole not needing to do anything. The whole feeling that it doesn’t matter because if it is what I want that it will work out.

I enjoyed the chat with Adrian, the offer aside, it was good to talk. The kind of talk where it all feels natural, familiar. It was nice to chatter away and just laugh with each other.

Last entry was full of appreciation and knowing “before the fact”. This entry is like a result of that, I suppose. Being happy with the knowing, being appreciative of the knowing and feeling at ease with it. That brings things into my life in the most perfect way, the fun manifestation of it. I know to some people it sounds like I am crazy or there is so much wishful thinking, but I guess that is what it looks like to others who aren’t in tune with how they feel.

Sometimes I wonder what it is like to go back in time and feel things for the first time, how it had so much intensity. But I don’t need to because I think I am just realising I still feel intensely if I listen to it, but I don’t have to be a slave to the emotion. I like not being a slave to the emotion, not being dictated by it. I guess I just enjoy the whole process of being a feeler and a dreamer. I get to change everything in my life by feel and the concern or watching of what is in regards to my finances I know is pointless because there is a constant abundance flowing to me if I allow it. All I have to do is choose to allow myself to feel and experience life. The finances will take care of themselves.

I am so appreciative of the knowing that is in my life, the clarity. It is such a wonderful feeling to begin taking control over my experience again and allowing good and wonderful things into my life. Allowing those steps forward in the direction of what I want.

My name is Elliot Parker, I know I am a deliberate creator and it is pure ecstasy choosing my experience.

I love this soothing feeling, like what I want is coming to me.

An experience that is wonderful and slightly terrifying because it is feeling huge and unknown is asking to be allowed into my experience. The terrifying-ness is short lived, because I know that I can self sooth the resistance it symbolises away. It may be unknown to me, the country, the customs and the people, but I get to explore that and be an adventurer. I get to see Adrian in a new way, in the same time zone again. I get to enjoy it and have fun and relax and get away from whatever resistance I might have built up in my experience. I think some really amazing changes are about to happen and this is the first nod to my new energy of knowing and appreciation and allowing in my ready-ness to choose the experience in life I want to have.

.: Entry Sixty-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker and recently I have been on my best behaviour… mostly.

That’s not to say my patience hasn’t been tested. I noticed something but since I noticed it I started seeing more of it. Clover is being very territorial. Has been for a few weeks now. Like she keeps making a point of telling me that her baby daddy Ben has been relying on her more emotionally, or how much closer they have gotten but she is still obsessing over some other boys. Both of whom stopped talking to her. It’s the making a point of it and being territorial and trying to put me in the place she has assigned for me. Never a good idea to do.

It just gets my back up, I don’t think I have ever responded well to being told what to do, who to be, what I cannot do. It’s like one of the first things people tend to discover about me. I tend to either act out or follow it and get miserable and resentful… safe to say miserable is not something I am willing to feel.

The only thing stopping me from acting out is the fact she is a friend and is insecure right now. And to be honest, she can dangle her territorial talk all she likes, I don’t want what she thinks I am after.

I am both her and Ben’s friend, she hasn’t liked that in the past and right now I don’t care. He can do what he likes and so can she.

I guess I am just tired of this being told what to do by other people thing. I guess I am stubborn and difficult and I really don’t see why she feels threatened by my damn existence. She is always the one who gets the guy, they fancy her, I am just the nerdy friend in the shadows. She is the one who heads for the guy you fancy to snag them first. Working out how to tell her to stop trying to control or manipulate me in a tactful way is being very hard.

I want to find a way to make it clear to her that the only guy I am interested in is Adrian. Which she knows. Mind you what others think of me doesn’t really matter.

I know who I am and what I want and I refuse to be told otherwise. What other people think doesn’t matter, not really. Why do I seem to keep having to tell myself the same things? Because I stopped working at being a deliberate creator looking to the future, instead I have been looking at what is even if what is doesn’t matter.

I keep looking at the what-is-ness of things. That will change.

My name is Elliot Parker, I was lazy in my thinking and forgot that I am a deliberate creator.

I can have whatever I want in my life. I know that, I know that things with Clover will get better. I know that I will stop noticing when her behaviour is not pleasing to me because I will be consistently trying to view here in a way that pleases me. I know that she will be the mature adult I know she thinks she wants to be. I know that things will be good again.

What else do I know?

I know that I am becoming the person that I want to be, I am that person it has already been agreed. I know that the what-is-ness will not be so important or matter nearly as much. I know that I can enjoy being a deliberate creator again. I know that I am a powerful deliberate creator. I am comfortable in the knowing that everything is working out for me, always. I know that when I am ready, Adrian and I will have another chance, when I find myself to be an energy match to what I am desiring. I know that there is nothing that I have to or need to do right now. I have nothing I have to do to make anything happen, there is no making anything happen, there is only being a match to that which you attract. I know that Adrian and I are coming to the best position we have ever been in to be a brilliant co-creating match, an eternally expanding in our togetherness co-creating match. It feels good to know that. It feels so good to know that that I can appreciate it already without the physical evidence or awareness of what is missing. Because I am looking forward to that future wonderfulness that I have amassed for my future. I like being able to appreciate knowing, I like being able to appreciate believing, I like being able to appreciate that I can choose and change my beliefs. I like the freedom and expansiveness of the world around me. I like knowing that I can change my life easily by just choosing to feel good.

Appreciation feels good. It feels great. It feels steadying and wonderful and fun and eager. I like that I can appreciate the transformation and confirmation of beliefs that serve me and choosing that I can carry forward what believes serve me and abandon those that don’t. I like feeling so free and fun and ready. I like feeling this way. I like feeling bright and expansive. I like watching the birds that fly in the sky in and watching how I am just as free. Something I have always admired about birds. I like the free feeling. I like the fun; excitement I have with my future. I am eager to be thankful of so much. I am so happy to just be happy that there is a world of possibilities for my future. I like enjoying the freedom of choice. I just like this rampage of good feeling thoughts. I am sassy, feisty, sexy and I am alive!