.: Entry Sixty-Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker… Except right now, it’s not.

My silence has said more than I wanted to express. I sit here in silence as day turns to night and night to day. It spins by and my refusal to speak stops me inflicting damage. That doesn’t mean the rage inside hasn’t leaked out to the world around me. The sea has been rough for days. If I unleashed it, if I speak, if I say anything, I might not be able to stop. If I can’t control myself, this ship will be smashed to pieces. I don’t know if “the Captain” could stop me.

Somehow I battle with myself, if I let myself tear this ship to splinters I could break away and runaway, again. But if I runaway, heaven knows what might happen. I might be somewhere I don’t want to be. I am locked in my own body on a ship stuck with the very person I was running from. I never really escaped, I never really ran away, not how I wanted. I am being pulled back. Do I hate him more for lying? I know I lied, at first, now, it is better to stay silent then get pulled back in. Do I… Can I even hate him? I mean, was it all really an act on his part. Was any of it just an act on my part? Is there any way it was just an act and nothing more? Can I convince myself that my heart never skipped a beat? Not one single heart fluttering moment was real? Is there any way to back out now, am I really going to be locked back into this?

If he takes me back to my home, what awaits me? How angry will my parents be? I mean after all, if they lose their own control, like I am afraid of doing right now, they could reduce the kingdom to ash. I might be powerful on my own, but two uncontrolled rage plus there is no doubt I would react, it could turn the land to ash and then what? I’ll be the unforgiven petulant girl who ran away who runs away again, if it is possible a second time.

“What do my parents know?” My unused voice is cracked and broken. It snaps “the Captain” out of his thought staring out the window. He rushes around his desk and kneels in front of me. I tried to read his face but I am weak. My lips are dry and the only thing that passed them is the broth he forces down my throat to stop me from wasting to nothing altogether. If he is wearing a mask, I can’t see it. I don’t speak again.

“They know you came with me, I had them told we were getting to know each other on a short cruise.”

“They don’t know?”

“No, the blue and cream, they were sent to find me, they found out about the destroyed ship and they were the search party, it’s why the resistance was weak to us taking the ship.” I feel my silence resume. It’s the first time I listened to what he said. I’ve tuned him out for days. Put myself in a bubble and he knows it. I allow myself to slide back away from the room, he can see it as my gaze becomes unfocused, he tries to stop me. He shakes me and I keep backing away building the walls up around me. He tries to pull me back again.

My parent’s didn’t even know I ran away; they might never have to know. I could follow his lies, that we went away to get to know each other. I could go along with the story, I could just look like for once I was being compliant with what they wanted for me, for the kingdom. They might not hate me forever if they found out the truth, I’m not in the worst position with being an only child. I can see through the unfocused gaze “the Captain” has left the room.

I stand and walk over to his desk, his stolen desk. It is the blue and cream’s ship after all. The draws are all locked, I can’t remember them being opened. I kneel by the draws, I take a deep breath before I begin to try to pick the lock, I’m not the first to try, but maybe I will have better luck, a few minutes pass that feel like hours before I crack the lock and open the draw. Stacks of papers. Sketches of “the Captain” his name scrawled below it Prince Adrian Ferislekraig. That name rings so many bells, like a forgotten talk, a forgotten discussion, a forgotten argument with family. Like a hollow moment in a past that is lost to the minor moments of an argument, a look of disappointment… the reverse of a sketch, “day walker” is scrawled hastily on the back. I see a sketch of myself the brief scribble on the back, “rescue- wanted unharmed” my name looks so strange scrawled by my image, an old handwriting so familiar that I can’t quite place. Princess Ellainor Parkrovia. I hear footsteps on deck approaching.

I replace the sketches in the draw and pick the lock to close it before I am seen. I stand unsteady and sit in the chair and turn so that I am staring out of the window, the first time I have spoken in days, the first time I have moved willingly in days, that is all he will see as I stare aimlessly out at the water rolling at the ship, the “Captain” strides into the room. I feel my movement register on his face. “First you speak, now you move, not hatching a new escape plan are you?”

I shake my head to say no and keep my eyes on the water. What the hell does day walker mean? Until I can dig some more I will refuse to speak, to ask anything.

.: Entry Sixty-Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Sometimes I like to dream, often I like to dream. I like escaping to other worlds. I like being able to see the energies of the universe transforming around me, I guess that is why I like the stowaway girl dreams. I get to be someone else. I like being someone else. Because right now, I have this day dream in my head.

I know how I want things to be, how I want to feel. How I would love to be in Adrian’s arms right now. The most perfect thing for me right now…

Is it bad to tell a day dream? I mean, this is my diary, if I can’t share my thoughts and feelings here, where can I?

There is the day dream in my head, of Adrian and I lying in bed. The covers drawn up around us and cups of tea steaming away on the side table. There’s something silly on the TV and we are curled up together, all warm and cosy and I just feel safe and warm and happy. How I normally feel in his arms. That at peace feeling being in our own world like nothing else matters.

I love that around him I get to be myself, I love that we are one hundred percent who we are around each other. I would love for him to be able to not get into his own way so often, but it is ok that he just feels comfortable around me and makes that time for us to relax right now.

It’s not my only day dream for us. It’s not the only way I think about him.

I love how he smiles when we kiss. I love how he jabs and pokes my back (even if it sometimes is a little too hard or annoying) when I am laying in his arms. It just feels so at home comfortable. I love how we just seem to fit together. I love how his arms wrap around me. I love how he pulls me into kisses. I love how he laughs. I just feel like I don’t have to be anyone or anything else.

It’s those happy thoughts that keep me smiling at the moment.

After the recent crazy manifestations, it’s just nice to smile at a memory, at a day dream. Somehow even my dreams are getting more complicated, the stowaway girl dreams are just a challenge sometimes. Somewhere between romantic and evasive and just like a story. I like the idea of just being with and needing someone and not feeling shut out by them when there is emotional honesty. I like the not running away from each-other-ness. I like that dream because there is just that open honesty. I started bringing it into my “real” life. I started taking brave risks.

It’s like playing a game with lady luck when I start taking risks that aren’t risks. He is away for a year; things could work out if we tried?

So what is the best that I can do at the moment? I mean honestly, what is the best outcome? I get what I want, I get him, I get us. Until then?

I guess I can just focus on me, on my manifestations directly consistently about me not requiring his participation as being a co-creator.

So what do I want for me without needing anyone to co-create?

Abundance in wealth and health and wellbeing. I want to enjoy being me, I want to love the skin I am in. I want to have my own adventures. I want to win the lottery, who doesn’t? I want to improve my career. I want to stay motivated and determined. I want to be happy. I want people around me I trust. I want to keep being deliberate about what I am creating. I enjoy being deliberate and not creating by default. I know being happy is the best chance and choice I have right now.

That’s the thing isn’t it? When you are honestly truly happy you attract whatever it is that you want. I love that, attracting what I want by just being happy.

I didn’t expect making this year the year for me would be this much work, that doesn’t feel like the right word. It’s an almost effort that doesn’t need to be an effort. It gives him a chance to be the man he wants to be. I am the woman I want to be, almost, I want more confidence. That is something the stowaway girl has in buckets that I don’t. She has that whole I am woman and I know who I am vibe. I want to manifest that I can conquer the world kind of confidence. I want to be challenging myself. I want to start doing things that would normally scare me.

I feel like I am getting ready to conquer the world even if I don’t have my safe place in the same country anymore. I take the risks and the energy they bring and what is to stop me from moving past the things that scare me? I can do it? Can’t I?

Maybe he won’t even recognise me when he sees me next. If I keep changing like this, and allowing myself to be the whole of me, soon I will be able to do so many things that I thought I couldn’t do just like I thought I couldn’t be the girl I am now. I didn’t think I could be this person, this honestly happy, strong woman who is doing the best deliberate creating.

It’s that energy you get before you leap into something with both feet and just see where you land. Maybe I will learn to fly. It feels possible. I keep trying to reach for that better feeling thought all the time and I get there more often than not. I keep changing and getting better and feeling better, I don’t recognise myself in the mirror, I haven’t for a very long time. I don’t even recognise old photos of me, if I didn’t know better, I would ask who is that person.

.: Entry Sixty-One :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I think that I surprised him. Waiting for the typing to turn into a message felt like the longest wait on earth. What I got as a reply was traditionally him.

“Yeah course I’m gonna call ya. But your gonna fucking hate me now, I’m finally getting around to watching the new Potter movie.” Some things never change.

Sometimes it is what remains unsaid that I hear through the energy. I knew, I know that my message made him smile.

That’s the most beautiful thing in the world to me so nothing compares to the joy of just knowing that he smiled.

Nothing compares to the joy and the happiness. Especially in my new bed time routine. I have a little message that I say to myself each night and then I play a game. I list the great things, the things that I desire that I get to manifest and I go to sleep feeling that bit happier, that bit more at peace and excited and I don’t even notice when I fall asleep.

I got my day dreams back. I thought I had lost them but I brought back the day dreams and the being able to picture things. It’s like a special all naturally energy that is akin to the ecstasy of love. It’s a special kind of thing to be addicted to. Addicted to happiness, I never thought I would say that, I wouldn’t have thought it could be possible. Finding happiness and peace in stressful, crazy situations? Impossible. Or at least it should be but hell somehow I have cracked this thing where I can just let myself be in clarity in any situation. Clarity is the most amazing feeling. Freedom is a great feeling too and I have both.

It sort of feels like the fire has been put out before it has been lit. I don’t know if that makes sense at all, like in the craziest situations I’m observing the action unfolding from a further seat, like the reality slows down and my mind works faster and sharper. I just don’t quite know how to express it with other people. Like I know that I have stopped beating myself up about the past and the chains that held me down by some miracle have somehow fallen away. I enjoy that just not feeling frantic and confused. I’m no longer feeling like I am trying to play catch up or cross fast flowing rivers to get what I want.

I think more than anything taking those risks and not being concerned about the immediate pay off just seems like I have just taken control of my life and manifestations. The words I am a deliberate creator no longer feel like I am trying to convince myself that is what I am. It just feels like a knowing. Like the knowing that everything will always work out for me.

It feels like there is something kind of weightless when I walk. Like a quiet shadow? I don’t know. I am just finally coming to terms with it being ok to love myself. It doesn’t feel like an impossible mission.

Adrian responded with a degree of sincerity and he wanted to diffuse the tension he imagined there to be. I didn’t say it for agenda. I said it for me, it was my rampage and my complete honesty with how I felt. Whatever happens, being honest with myself and moving through life believing the best is what I want to do. He imagined the tension he felt, it was his pinching off from source energy, I know how that feels and I recognise that feeling. But I feel it less now.

I keep trying to find the words to describe what it feels like when you stop pinching off from yourself and just allow yourself. I mean I am consistently working with ease to improve my allowing my whole self to be wholly present in every moment. It’s not always easy, it’s not always natural, well its always natural to allow, but the pinching off is the unnatural thing that hurts. But habit can sometimes be a pinching off thing, a particular learned behaviour can sometimes be just as much trouble. Sometimes you just have to do what that song says and let it go.

I suppose that’s why I don’t worry so much about taking risks, because they aren’t risks but it is just the only word we really know for that kind of action. I am sure there are better words, and calculated risk sounds wrong, it is still a risk to the old me. But this time. It’s more a different way of allowing. A thought free one, instinctual. It comes from a place, an impulse that you can’t rationalise, I just wish I had a better way to put what I feel into words sometimes. I am sure it will come to me.

Just like I can feel it in my soul that there is no need to be concerned about the silence between Adrian and I since he took his flight. I selfishly wish he had stayed, but I know he is doing what he thinks he needs to do that will make him happy and I can’t blame or judge him for that. Hell, I am doing the exact same, just I am following my gut and following my passion. There is no way that I could ever stop following what I am passionate about. It just feels too good to just be happy in my own world in my own way. I get that he has set beliefs on what he needs to do, what he believes is responsible. I just gave up believing that being responsible will make me happy. I don’t need to hold myself accountable for anything that is beyond my control. The only thing in my control is how I respond and how I feel and I sure as hell will make sure that the aim is always reaching for that better feeling thought.