.: Entry Fifty-Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker, and the dusty room filled with books is materialising around me like a sea.

“Elliot?” His voice, even here makes my heart skip a beat.

“Adrian, you called me here?” I look at the books in the room around me, still tidy.

“I wanted to talk to you. I am going away again.” My heart sinks.

“I know, you said” the distance between us, however short in this room feels like gulfs sometimes.

“I didn’t say no to you. Did you notice?” He sounds like a hopeful child, wanting you to see some marvellous effort.

“When I said about second chances?”

“Yeah.” His smile is so hopeful it’s starting to hurt.

“I noticed. Looks like you are leaking through, not a straight no, less pinching off, just because you won’t physically be in the same country doesn’t mean that the second chance is invalid.” I watch the smile on his face, the little twitch as the corners of his mouth move as his smile becomes a grin.

“I know, it was the best I could do, I’m still pinched off, just I wanted to say thank you for helping, you are showing him, you are here the same as in the reality, you managed to allow your full self. We can see it, it is causing the changes in us, you know that right?” The way the separation talks from his physical and his soul pinched off hurts, I know it does, I remember that hurt.

“Yes. But that can’t be all you wanted to talk about.” I want to know everything he called me here for, but there is never enough time together.

“It’s not, after that hell of a day, we wanted to make sure you were ok, you know, he, we, we want you safe.” I can’t help but smile,

“Why is it, our best heart to hearts are here?”

“Because, I think, you already know, our souls are linked now.” Whether it is what we want or not, I know we are linked.

“Love does that doesn’t it?” He nods. I bridge the gap between us and walk over to him. “I know he is changing, I can see it, he didn’t have to tell me what I already knew. He keeps making this point, he’s asking for advice but it’s asking for advice and sharing things with me in a way that didn’t really happen before. He tells me about some girl who wants him or another that wanted a particular kind of favour from him and he tells me. He says to me that he says no to them and what they desire is not what he wants and lets me know that he said no.”

“But he, I, we haven’t said no to you.” Like he is offering the piece of a puzzle I didn’t already know.

“Precisely, it’s like you’re consciously trying to tell me to listen that you’ve not said ‘no’ you’ve evaded it saying that you won’t be in the country.”

“I’ve not given up on you. I can’t give you up. Listen to me, in reality, he’s still pinched off but now he is seeing that its ok to allow the whole of him, little by little. You showed us it was possible, how we hurt you and look at how you transformed. You became this soul that shines in this world and in reality and we can see your allowing yourself like a beacon showing us that it is possible. You don’t give up your connection with yourself. We are becoming the man you deserve.”

I can feel the ghost of a tear and I know it’s from the physical world. I am crying in my sleep, I can’t but let out a small smile.

“I don’t want you to go.”

“We don’t either. Just don’t give up on us.” I haven’t so far, I don’t think it could be possible.

“I love you, unconditionally. Promise you will never forget that.” He nods, I can’t stop myself from reaching up and pulling him into a kiss. My whole body feels like its glowing and sparking from top to toe, inside and out. I remember this feeling, it’s the feeling I’ve had in his arms. When we first saw each other after the messy break up and months of quiet, when we finally saw each other. I just remember this feeling being in his arms. It’s like a golden light coming from within, like the most intensely perfect feeling.

“We fit together.” I nod unable to find the words yet again. “You know of all the stupid things I’ve done, screwing us up was the dumbest mistake of my life.” I can’t help but laugh, it’s something of a choking feeling with the ghost of a tear.

“It’s easily fixed, just keep doing what you are doing, soon being happy won’t be the enemy. I wish you could remember that happiness isn’t the horrible thing he contorts it into. It doesn’t have to end.”

“I know, just keep leading by example.”

“I have no intention of stopping my allowing the full self. You know I mean it, when I say this year I’m going to be selfish, I am putting myself and what makes me happy first.”

“I don’t doubt it.”

“This year is my year; personal or professional I am doing me this year. I hope you get to tap into your full self this year. You deserve to be happy.”

“I know, you too. I am getting there, its baby steps between here and reality. Everything is working out, just don’t forget you know how I feel even if in the physical he refuses to admit anything. I am working on getting that wall knocked down. One step at a time.”

“When you tell me you are telling the other girls no…”

“I am telling you to be honest with you, but more than that, to show you that I haven’t said no to you, to show you that I can’t let you go even if I can’t say it out there, I mean it. I can’t and won’t lose you.”

“That would be impossible. I already told you, I am always, always here for you. I wish I could give you everything you want to make you happy.”

“You do. But I just have to stop getting in my own way.”

“This is so bittersweet.”

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.: Entry Fifty-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker, but right now I am so glad that it’s not.

… Betraying myself, makes that yes the most deafening yes I will ever remember in my life.

The smile on his lips when he kissed me after the word had left my lips was unmistakeable. The kisses were hungry and intense and unquenchable. I fight the fog of the hunger. It feels like a fight I am loosing before I manage to break our lips free at last for a moment.  “You need to answer my question.” My breath feels as unsteady and as shaken as I feel. “Who are you really?”

It had sobered us both like a bucket of ice.

I waited, the silence was heavy, I could see the confliction flashing through his face. “It’s better you don’t know.”

My temper hits me in a white hot rage. Without knowing it my right hand has raised and been caught in his vice like grip, his reflex stopping me from slapping him. His other hand has already wrapped itself around my other wrist. His anger isn’t a mask this time, neither is the hurt registering in his eyes, I can feel it is a mirror reflection of myself. Bitterly like a hot knife a tear rolls down my cheek. I try to look away but I can see something strange in his eyes, guilt? Remorse? I feel his grip loosen.

Slowly my hands are allowed to fall freely to my side before I wrap them around my body. The sting of the tears I am defiantly wishing away are falling without my permission.

Finally, when he speaks, he is beside my ear and his breath tickles me. What he says, turns my insides into cold lead, “I’m the Prince you ran away from.”

The lump in my throat is solid, it doesn’t go away when I try to swallow air. It feels like I am suffocating. Suddenly my whole body is on fire and I have to get out the room. I push past him and this time he lets me as I burst from his cabin and run to the furthest end of the ship dizzy and hot and burning from the inside out.

I could jump, I could try to out swim the ship but there’s no land to rescue and no other ship in sight. I can feel his every stride across the deck, he stopped standing in the door, I could feel him reading my desire to jump, to feel the cold splash of the sea on my skin. I feel him approach, I feel more trapped with every breath I take. The pounding in my ears, I feel like I’m drowning in my own fire.

His voice cuts through me, he turns me to face him, “I am addicted to you, regardless of who you are and who I am.”

This time he doesn’t stop me when I slap him. “Where are we going?” I feel every word heavy and painful from the pit of my lungs.

“Home.” My knees buckle under me.

I never escaped, not really. I can never escape. He pulls me up and somehow I find myself floating into his cabin. “You lied.”

“Can you blame me?”

“Yes.”

“The moment I saw you I knew no matter who you were I was under your spell. I wanted to know you, really know you.”

“You were under the contract of the arrangement.”

“No, the moment I saw you and new you were running away, from me, you didn’t know who I was; I wanted you to choose me, not have your hand forced.”

“You can’t be serious?” I finally notice the door is closed, it’s just us. “What is the damn truth with you?”

He takes a deep breath. How did I end up sitting on his bunk? When did he kneel in front of me? When did he take my hands in his? “I am the Prince you will marry; I am the Prince who fell from grace the moment our eyes met. You are my addiction and an adventure with every breath. Finally, you told me what I had hoped for, I am your addiction. That hasn’t changed.”

“The crew know who you are?”

“Yes. They found out who you really were when you got us out of that chamber.”

“You knew exactly who I was, and your men have seen me naked at your demand in that cave.” I feel the fury and fire in my throat burning again. I pull my hands free of his.

“I had no choice, you refused to do what I said and you would have died of cold, you almost did.”

“I was nothing more than a game to you.”

“You were everything but a game. Running away like this, at least you were safe, I never once gambled us or risked losing you, unless I told the truth. I could have not said a word. We could have carried on running.”

I pull my legs up so my knees are hugged tight to my body. His words were supposed to do something, but what? Stop me from being angry? To make me feel lucky? What? All I know is the confusion is a thick fog. Am I angry or thankful or hurt or betrayed or happy or relieved or trapped or embarrassed or humiliated?

He sat with a thud beside me, I speak, not moving, knees still tight in my arms. “You locked the door didn’t you?” There is no key in the lock, I already know the answer. He nods. “I can’t leave can I?”

“There’s nowhere out there to run to, I know you want to run, but please,” he turns his body towards mine and pulls me towards him so that he can look me in the eyes. I give up staring at my feet, “please, Princess, don’t run from me again. I will do anything to not lose like I could have done. Now that I know you, I don’t think I could ever recover. If I had never known you, if we had never stumbled into each other and never met, the Princess who ran away wouldn’t hurt as much as it hurts right now to see you look at me like this.” I look away, I keep how I am feeling unvoiced and stare in silence refusing to break my own resolve.

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.: Entry Fifty-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker. Except, here it’s not.

I maybe the Captain’s addiction, but he is not mine, my addiction? Staying alive.

I might have charmed the Captain to cut himself free of the dead wood men ready to mutiny. On this boat there are two types of men, those that accept that forbidden magic has kept them alive and those that are struggling with the morals. The ones who were dead set against it are now just plain dead.

The Captain accepted my set up as the stowaway girl but no regular stowaway girl would have these powers, no regular person would even have a chance of these powers. They come from specific, influential bloodlines, the stronger the magic… the Captain knows this. The crew have enough knowledge of rumours. What interests me, is that the Captain has magical control. Not just the basic charisma most Captains have that brings the men like moths to the flame ready to serve. Something more. His past is more than just the plain Captain he has lead us all to believe.

I sit on the steps to the helm watching the water around us. Nothing but sea. The Captain had kept himself locked in his cabin since the kiss after we danced on deck.

I’ve been sat here stewing over what I want to do. There has been so much that has been bothering me about all the questions floating through my head about the Captain. I finally decide to stop trying to calculate what the hell my next move is and stand up, straightening my shirt. I pull my hair into a rough bun with a tie of cloth.

I knock on his door, there is a shift and I stand out of view. I knock on the door; curiosity is what forces him to open the door, I just take advantage of his surprise and push past him and into the room. I watch the hesitation before he closes the door. No point making an unwinnable war.

“You’ve not been on deck in a few days.” I feel his eyes tracing my body.

“I’ve been working.” He refuses to meet my eye and looks away.

“Have you? What on?” I cock my head to the side and let a loose strand of hair fall down on my cheek covering my eye. He shakes his head, “nothing” I slowly wrap the loose strand around my finger and push it behind my ear. He sits on his bunk, his cabin is tidier than normal, he’s cleaned up. He must have been bored. I let him catch me looking, at the tidier cabin, I try to hide the racing thoughts. I take a deep breath and lean against the desk taking a deep breath I cross my arms. “What do you want Princess?”

“I want the truth.”

“How very vague, what about?”

“You.”

He smiled, “me?”

“Yes. Who were the blue and creams really after, you or me?” I try to get him to meet my eye but his eyes are fixed on the wall.

“Who do you think?”

“That’s what I can’t decide, I might have more than you may have expected. But I know that you are more than the man you claim to be.” I let my words linger in the air, the silence as deafening as the roar of the ocean on a stormy night.

“That’s an interesting theory.”

“Theory? Who are you really? I don’t believe you are a Captain with that much control by happenstance.”

“You want answers?”

“Would I be here if I didn’t?”

“If you want answers, you need to tell me what turned you into the runaway Princess begging for a strange Captain’s help to escape.”

“Then you will tell me?”

“If you tell me the unadulterated truth. No masks, just us here, and I’m telling no one.”

“Responsibility.”

“What responsibility?”

“I am running from an arranged marriage that I never wanted.”

“Did you meet him?”

“No. I left before he reached the palace.”

“So you are the Princess running from her palace and prince? You take a lot of risks.”

“Are risks really risks if they are calculated?”

“Yes. He could have been a good man.”

“Or a terrible one. It was an arrangement of alliance not of match made romance.”

“You could have come to love him. Instead you chose this life on the run.”

“I chose freedom.”

“Will you ever go back?”

“How can I?”

“Do you think it was an accident you chose my ship?” I felt a shift beneath my feet and it wasn’t the boat, it was me. Was this all an accident. Was this part of something else?

“Who are you really?”

“I want my question answered first.” He stood, he took two or three strides to stand in front of me, the palms of his hands bracing the desk on either side of me, no longer lazily leaning on his desk. His face is close to mine, I could feel his eyes locking onto mine, he wanted honesty, and he stripped the masks between us away completely. “Am I your addiction to?”

I felt every breath harder in my chest, I couldn’t charm my way out of this in any remote option, the best, to tell the truth and hope it’s the one that keeps me alive. I find myself unable to speak, I try but there is some strange feeling in my throat. I could swear my heart beating could be heard on deck. I can’t break free of the struggle to say the words. His face is so close to mine the warmth of his breath is intoxicating. I lean myself a little closer, this time when my lips brush his I am nervous, a different kind of nervous, a giddy heart racing nervous. Our lips touch feather light, I kiss him, so gently I am wondering if it was something of the imagination. Until I kiss him again and his lips meet mine firmly. One kiss then another falls into another, a breathless hunger of kisses fall between us, I pause for the briefest second and my voice is no more than a whisper, even though it is my own biggest betrayal, “yes”…

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 10th June!

Amazon UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XP14ZX2

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