.: Entry Forty-Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I made a silly joke, I told Adrian that I got my Christmas present with the extra he gave me when he was a total dick. He was a total dick again. I just rolled my eyes and made sure it came from my money in the account not his. But do you know that would have been the first Christmas present in the years he has known me (roughly two or maybe is it three, probably two) that he would have got me. You see at Christmas or my birthday I would always hear the traditional line of “I forgot to bring it it’s in my room/car” or “I forgot to put it back in when I was tidying my car.”

I know it’s not about receiving gifts, but it is about the thought. Or the lack thereof. I always gave the Christmas/birthday present, and the first time he went away for work a going away present, a keep safe keepsake type thing. I know they aren’t exactly expensive because my wage is pretty damn low, but I have always tried and always put thought and time and consideration into it. It just sucks to know that I didn’t cross his mind of consideration.

So anyway, I showed Clover what I had chosen, now to me I thought, oh they are a cute pair of wings that could be a stacking set, she went “oh they look like an engagement set.” I WAS NOT IMPRESSED. But hey I just get a bit tired of the contrast at the moment.

I am in the habit of wishing for things to work out with Adrian and I, it is a habit. I don’t necessarily want to wish that anymore, now the wish just feels like a habitual sort of comfort blanket of an idea, of a dream.

My name is Elliot Parker, and recently I haven’t been paying much attention to Adrian. He sends me a message and I’ve not been responding right away or just leaving it on read for a while. It made me feel better not dealing with the cause of my recent hurt feelings. So I left him on read and about three to four hours later I got about ten messages in a row, so I did respond and he was saying that he was getting ill so I wished him to get better and sort of went back to doing what I wanted to do. He has always been one to pop up when I am happy or feeling better about my life, it’s like he’s drawn to me like a magnet. Only this time I don’t feel like playing ball and sharing my good feelings, I like them and I enjoy them and they are mine. Hmpf.

So yesterday evening I got a load of messages from him saying that he was having a crisis, he’s 26 still playing the same games with the same friends doing the same things and before I respond he’s gone and said he will talk to me tomorrow (today) and I read the messages thinking “what the fuck? Is he serious?” His life is not as stagnant as he thinks and his demand for attention didn’t get the reaction he probably wanted.

So I replied- and I still stand by the support I offered:

If you wanna talk I am here, if you want advice I am here, but I want to talk to you, or technically at you.

I have been so frustrated by my limits these days, I am 25 with a psycho for a mother, living with my nana, spending every day in a world of pain. I am nowhere near my life plan, I went from really feeling shit after I saw you and finding my own empowerment in days. I realised what I want, I discovered that I deserve to be happy, healthy and deciding that is a great priority. I am so proud I turned my mood and my emotional compass around so fast.  It has taken me 25 years to truly get a back bone and stand by the fact that I deserve to be happy and respect myself and embrace and accept myself which has been nearly impossible. My life is pretty much stagnant until I heal and build stamina and not live in compromise.

I am 25 my best friends are people I met in high school, all of us seem to be drifting. My other best friend is my ex and even then it’s a weird relationship at which I am sure you agree with.

Life is nothing like what it “should” be. Doesn’t mean it can’t be. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t make you happy or you can’t be happy. Happiness is never guaranteed in the future, it only exists in the now and if you aren’t willing to go for what makes you happy and enjoy or accept what makes you happy you are chasing the past notions of it. Straight up, I never expected to be 25, unemployed and pretty much unemployable still living with my family because my mother is a complete psycho only out for herself.

Don’t ever worry about where you are because it doesn’t matter, it’s constantly changing. What matters is: are you going to find happiness while it’s changing? Now are you going to talk to me like a grown ass adult or keep ignoring my incredible wisdom?

Sorry for the rant, but yeah everything is always working out and I listen to meditations and rampages when I get anxious. Try it.

That is what I had to say. The blunt of it. I know it wasn’t the response he thought he would get or the response that he wanted. It truly wasn’t what he expected because normally I would have been a soft touch, I would have tried to make him feel better pandering to him and what I knew he wanted and needed me to say. Instead I had my mini rampage not to make him feel better but to make me feel better. I wanted to feel better and my rampage got me into that better feeling place. I don’t think he liked it, it was all read and he didn’t reply to me that evening.

So what I am right? Happiness is a choice and it is an active choice I am making. My priorities changed thanks to the last time I saw him it was the catalyst to me putting my-own- damn-self first.

.: Entry Forty-One :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I’ve recently been sloppy with my thinking and it shows. Adrian kept the promise, and I saw him.

The evening was a bit of an event. A catalyst for a great deal of change.

So, I suppose I should say what happened. I went out with Clover for dinner, which was lovely, but I felt nervous. Which is unusual. But the was a bit of a difference when it came to meeting up with Adrian, who turned up at the meeting point having drunk three double rums. So, I said goodbye to Clover and Adrian and I made our way to the hotel he had wanted to use. On the way he told me about a couple of drunk girls in the pub that had kept interrupting him while he was trying to read. That didn’t make me feel great. Can you blame me I mean come on?

So skip forward to getting into the hotel room, that was around 7.30 ish. We got in, he went to the loo, came out and took out his wallet and gave me back the money for the hotel room, and then gave me more money than what was necessary to use my account to get help with his degree work. I tried to give him the extra and he said it was for doing him a favour and letting him borrow the account. I felt cheap, there is no other way to describe it. We sat and hung out chatting a little but he wanted some things that I didn’t feel capable of doing that evening, I felt a bit guilty and tried to give him what he wanted, but I wasn’t into it or in the right frame of mind, and I felt guilty. And worse than that I felt like I was a let-down, like a disappointment. I shouldn’t have felt like that. I shouldn’t have felt cheap or a disappointment or like I wasn’t living up to expectations. I didn’t want to be the old me that would pander and bend and do what was asked of me. I’ve been trying so hard to put myself first recently, and then I didn’t put myself first and put him first and did what he wanted, and I felt completely unaligned with myself. I wasn’t comfortable and it showed.

We left the room and hotel at 10.30. He wanted to make sure he could get home, the last train and all that. 10.30… 10.30… TEN FUCKING THIRTY!!!! I went from feeling a cheap disappointment to falling of the ledge into numbness. Then I did something stupid on the walk from the hotel to the train station to catch a cab, I told Clover I was on my way home. She went mad, she was fuming angry with him and the feeling cheap, like a let-down and disappointment got worse, it felt tenfold. I felt like pure shit. He then ordered an uber and paid for it instead of letting me get a cab. I got home, walked through the door and finally let the tears flow. I just felt heartbroken, whatever hope I had that his recent behaviour was a sign he had changed was shattered. I had hoped that he had become the man that I had always thought and believed he had the potential to be, but he smashed that hope. Smashed it to teeny tiny little pieces.

I was genuinely mad at Clover for being mad because it made me feel worse. It made me feel worse because she was making the issue I was trying to ignore, the feelings I kept trying to ignore she was waving them in my face. If I hadn’t been confronted with how I should have let myself be feeling I probably would have been able to bury it and hide it and forget about it in time. But no I had to be confronted and it made me feel shite.

She was really mad and I was really hurt.

That put me in a funk the next day I still felt hurt the next day I felt hurt, the day after I felt angry and hurt. I had enough. I decided I was going to get back to being happy, I decided I was definitely going to be happy and he would not stand in my way. How he made me feel was not going to stand in my way.

I deserved better than that.

I deserved much better than how he treated me that night. I deserved better than how he treated me during our relationship, during our break up and the time since. I deserve to be happy, I deserve to live the life I want to live. I had hoped and wished for so long that Adrian and I could sort things out, but that night was the night that the straw broke the camel’s back. I stopped caring if that was ever going to be an option in our future. I stopped wanting him, as he is I stopped wanting him, I wanted and hoped for the man I believed he could be, the man he has the potential to be because he is clearly clueless that he can be exactly who he wants to be that he keeps fighting becoming. He could be great, truly, but he is so keen to keep behaving and acting like a total dickhead. I wish that my hopes hadn’t been shattered and he had been who I thought he had come closer to becoming. It sucked, it hurt, I didn’t deserve that. I finally accepted my self-respect, my self-worth, and more importantly my self-acceptance and self-love.

I am worthy of not feeling hurt, cheap, worthless, a disappointment. I finally accept and acknowledge that on a much deeper level than I have ever done before. I still believe he could become the person he has always had the potential to be. But without becoming that and showing the change consistently, I am not interesting in coming into proximity with him again.

I had three-four days of being in a really low funk before I turned it around, I turned that around so quickly that I know I am getting better at this. It was nice to know that I can do it.

.: Entry Fourty :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I am making progress emotionally. I am taking steps and leaps and bounds up the emotional scale. I am deliberately creating these better moods. I enjoy creating the better moods, the positive momentum to what it is I am desiring. I want positive things in my life. I want happiness.

What are my desires? What are my goals? My goal is to feel good. My desire? It is of course to feel good. It is my dominant intent to feel good.

So what do I believe? What are my practiced knowing’s that have turned into beliefs? I believe that everything is always working out for me. I believe that there is nothing I cannot see or do or want that I cannot have. I believe that what I want and desire is flowing to me. I believe that I am coming into a more consistent alignment with what I am wanting. I believe that there is an abundance flowing to me and through me.

What abundance? An abundance of happiness, an abundance of feeling good, an abundance of good things, an abundance of wanted desires. What else? An abundance of love, of hope, of relief, of joy of elation, of anticipation and of excitement. What else? An abundance of wellness, wellbeing, health. What else? An abundance of love, of joy, of attraction, of excitement, of expansive wonderful desires all that are wanted in my experience. An abundance of freedom, financial freedom, financial abundance. An abundance of creativity, an abundance of positive attention and intention.

Why did I do a mini rampage? For one reason, it felt so darn good.

My name is Elliot Parker. I regularly remind myself of this attractive wonderful rampage that flows what I desire to me. It feels good to just know that I am a deliberate creator. It feels good to know that I am creating my experience. It feels good to know that there are no limitations, that no matter what it is I am desiring, wanting that it has been created. There is the truth of it. I do believe in the law of attraction. I believe in love. I believe in joy and hope and relief. I believe in anticipation and knowing. I believe that the universe has said yes to what I am desiring.

So here is something amazing that people forget. We are made of particles, teeny tiny little atoms. The same things that form stars and galaxies, we are made of the stuff that creates universes. We are made of the energies that creates spectacular things, stars and planets and galaxies, and these particular pieces of the universe, these atoms chose to become you. That’s right, you are made of the universe just like I am, we chose to come into this experience.

I am sure that there will be some that disagree and want to call this crazy but who cares. I am sure that there are others who hope and dream of being part of something big. But here is what we have forgotten, we are already part of something big.

For so many years I lived in the discontent of feeling trapped in my life when I felt something bigger calling to me. What was calling to me? The truth that I am already part of something bigger.

That is how I know things are getting better. That is how I know that my dreams are growing just as I am.

I love being a deliberate creator.

What do I want to create next? I want to finish knitting this jumper I have been knitting for the last year and a half that I keep putting off. I like knitting, it creates something but it is also relaxing and fun and it can put you into a meditative stance when you have gathered enough experience whereby you no longer have to concentrate. I enjoy that. I enjoy knitting away and finding the momentum of what may have been troubling me slowing and losing its hold on the energy I am emitting. My point of attraction changes as I shift my energy to a place of ease.

Something that I realised recently, I grew up catholic. In the last few years I have gone from that point of belief to finding a looser term of what I believe. I have come to a new belief system, one that feels good, that I agree with. Now if I am asked to consider my religion or spirituality what would I affiliate with? I am spiritual, that is as far as I want to define it. I believe in the law of attraction. I believe that everything is always working out for me. I believe that what I am made of, what made me, what I chose to become part of has a pure positive focus and is filled with love. That is to say that there is no battle of duality in the way that it is conventional. There is a battle of wanted and not wanted, there is a battle of alignment and misalignment. But it is easy to figure out where you are, because you either feel good and know your aligned with pure positive energy or you don’t. When you don’t feel good, you find yourself wanting to feel good and so it becomes your intention to feel good.

It really is that simple.

Or in even more basic terms… the better you feel, the more you look for good things, the more you find them. It is your intention of finding good things to feel good about that brings those good things to come to be.

What you look for you will see. So what are you looking for? What is it that you are desiring to see?

So yes this diary entry is literally just my own rampage, my own place to rampage and feel good and bring myself into a better understanding of what I believe, I wanted to test what I believe and what I want to believe in. Now I know. I believe, I know that I am a deliberate creator. I am allowing my energy to align with my desires.