.: Entry Nineteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

My love life, or lack of, it’s more like a series of flirtationships if I am honest, confuses me.

So yes, I might have mentioned Adrian Ferisle recently, a fair bit. It’s funny, he went from ignoring me to bombarding me for 24 hours and asking me to do some work for him back to ignoring me. Now he seems to just pop up every so often so I don’t forget he is there. You know, just a don’t forget me message or two and then disappears. He did that sort of when we had our fight before we broke up. It’s that behaviour that has sort of left me leaving that chat window alone, so alone that I tucked it away into the archives.

Sad huh? Considering what once was.

With that fading from my attention I have noticed myself falling into some kind of fantasy more often.

But there is one I struggle with, part of me wants to embrace the fantasy, the other part, absolutely petrified of what could happen if it was definitely not possible. Petrified if it was. Jonas. I know I have a crush on him. I don’t need reminding. He is someone I never expected to have more than a shallow relationship with. You know, the client/artistic genius relationship.

Cute, funny, kind but doesn’t have the same sort of picture for his future as I have for mine. Doesn’t make a blind bit of difference does it? Doesn’t change the excitement of the new message notification. Silly huh?

It feels weird, admitting I have feelings for someone, that they make me excited to hear from them without trying.

I read this book recently, and the way that the author described those little moments when you have that intensity that only you are aware of around that person. How the air changes and everything comes alive, that feeling? I’ve read it, I’ve experienced it, but I have never known how to describe it to someone else. How to let someone inside my head in that way. I don’t know how.

Intimacy. Something I am afraid of, admitting to and experiencing. What is more intimate than revealing those moments that made your heart race, the first time you meet someone? The first time you hold hands? That first time you kiss and there are literal fireworks? What could be scarier than letting someone in to these intimate moments? To let them understand a single moment in time from your perspective?

Intimacy, letting someone see inside your head, like this diary, is a portal to the things I am trying to understand about myself, about the world and the universe, about others, about what I am.

Sometimes it can feel incredibly lonely being me. So I come and I write this, like it makes a difference?

I write about events, things that concern me, and my dreams. But here is the hard part, admitting that my dreams have abandoned me a bit. But I don’t think that is the case, I think I am shutting them out. Avoiding them. I have disconnected. Sure it sounds easy, but disconnecting from yourself, disconnecting from your source energy where everything is unlimited is hard. It affects everything day to day. How you associate with the world. All of it. It gets affected and it turns messy. It stops you from receiving what it is that you want. That is exactly why I disconnected. Because even though I know it is not possible, I don’t know what I want. But that’s it, what I want scares me, and because it scares me I resist it. Which is why I am resisting Jonas in a way, I am putting excuses and conflict into my energy. Not just with him, but he is the best example.

The momentum of the energy in the universe, that thing that I mentioned before about the waves. I got scared. I pulled away and now, I honestly don’t know what my energy is.

My name might be Elliot Parker, and I might be a deliberate creator, but right now I am the only thing standing in my way of what I want.

What I want is freedom.

What I want is safety and security.

What I want is to feel alive.

Well that hit the nail on the head didn’t it, I want to feel alive.

Where I am now, is that really conducive to feeling alive? Meh. But maybe it is ok if I stop shutting myself off, to clean up my energy and to just allow. To just follow some kind of intuition. I am ready to change my world; I am ready to stop resisting. I just need to give in.

I give in to the better feeling thoughts.

I give up the battle.

I give in to the alignment.

I am ready to change my world. I am ready to change the world.

I am learning, constantly, I am getting better. I love knowing that this is just the start and there is never an ending. There is no ending, I can never get it done and I can never get it finished and I can never stay stagnant because, and this is the best bit; life and love is unconditional.

My name is Elliot Parker. I AM A DELIBERATE CREATOR. I am giving up the struggle. There is no struggle. There is contrast and clarity. There is no happily ever after. There is only deliberate intent. Being able to choose, being able to control and choose my manifestations with deliberate knowing. I am growing every day…

I am ready to go down the to the pub and have a little cocktail even on my own. Notebook and pen in hand just to have a little date with myself. I am going to do that. Have a date with myself. Fantasy or reality or whatever. I am going to date myself. I am going to enjoy myself. The better I feel, the more I allow.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Eighteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker, and my temper gets the better of me.

I had to talk myself out of my anger. But I shouldn’t have lost my temper. My emotional response overrode my desire to be happy. It’s funny, sometimes I think I am doing really well at being careful and choosing the better feeling thought. I know that I am deliberate creator but sometimes it is so hard.

I know that I know too much to ever return to who or what I was, just fumbling through life.

But now, it got complicated. When it comes to Adrian Ferisle, well that is where my energy is muddy. I want to hold him in a place of unconditional love, I want to see him through the eyes of source. But then, the past sort of sneaks up and whispers in my ear, “Past performance predicts…”

That is when I get unstuck and things get messy. I so want him to shut that voice up by proving it wrong. For that to happen my energy has to be clear. That little voice can’t even be a whisper. I know it won’t be easy to shake. But the attention I have to it. Well that has to stop. I have to keep reminding myself to keep looking for that better feeling thought. Well that’s a bit of an obvious thing, but well, it isn’t easy. But it is getting easier, I am getting better. Adrian Ferisle is who he is. I know he started with a good intention.

You see, the better feeling thought isn’t always a big thing, it could be little. It is simply a little form of appreciation.

Whatever it is I want, I know that it can happen. Whatever I dream can be reality.

My name is Elliot Parker, I am a deliberate creator, I am getting better at it.

That’s the thing though, you think you are mastering it, then boom- CONTRAST. I appreciate that, it hones me in on what I want, not who or when; although that can sometimes be a little factor. I appreciate that contrast is great at making a basic desire more specific.

It took about a week for Adrian Ferisle to talk to me again. He exploded about a work problem, ranted and raved. Then disappeared again for a week before falling into a slightly more regular conversation pattern, well for his standards anyway. So I suppose I can say things are getting better. I hate to say, it didn’t faze me as much as it should have. I suppose I am used to the sulking, used to him always eventually returning because he needs something from me. Sad but true.

The difference is I seem to make more and more positive life choices the less I let if faze me. I like the positive choices though.

Gives me so much more energy to focus on knowing what I want. I seem to just keep jet propelling the momentum forward for the things I want to do, the things that I want to put my energy into, the things that make me the happiest. I suppose you can say for certain that it puts fuel into the fire of passion. I do appreciate that energy for sure.

So yes I do appreciate his presence in my life, even if it is for the contrast he cycles into my life.

My name is Elliot Parker. I am a deliberate creator.

I keep reminding myself, that everything will be ok, that it will all work out. It is a mantra. But there has been this feeling, I haven’t told anyone about it.

I just feel that the more passion I pour into the creative side of me the more I can feel the tide. I suppose the best way I can explain it is that as you stand in the see you can feel the tide pulling the water to it, gathering a momentum, before it swells and crashes like a tide and changes what is in its path. Sure a wave doesn’t sound big or momentous to change, but it is, it changes things whether marginally or massively. That is what it feels like, the gathering of the change, but it doesn’t feel like a tiny little wave, it feels strong, secure and momentous. It sounds silly right? No. It feels certain. That change, feels certain. That change feels big, like it will grow into something that won’t just affect me. It feels like the kind of wave that makes ripples.

The wave, its energy, its pure energy stored up, and the more I work I pull some of that energy to me. And when I use that energy it returns to the source larger and stronger. I pull that energy back to me and return it and it keeps happening. So perhaps the energy feels less the wave, I am the waves, the motion. I am pulling and returning the energy back and away, pulling a little energy and making it bigger. Pulling more energy returning it with abundance back and rather than it resting in storage it still grows. Whether the energy I pull is large or little, I am in control. It sometimes like I make a request for this energy and it comes to me in the wave. It feels certain and secure, I feel certain and secure, like this energy I can trust, that it won’t ever be all used up.

In that way I suppose it is like love. It is never all used up, it just grows exponentially. It feels great knowing that love is unlimited, at it’s very core, at it’s very source love is unlimited. Isn’t it great that nothing good is ever limited, it is abundant, as much or as little as I wish will come to me. My energy is a direct channel for this feeling of that love or energy, whatever, it feels abundant, unlimited. It is that same unlimited unconditional feeling I want to expand and I want to look through those eyes and see everyone held in that place of positive attention.

It is that perspective I want to look at friends and family with, the same perspective I want to be able to have when I look at Adrian Ferisle’s presence in my life.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Seventeen :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I am a grade A bitch.

So today didn’t get to plan. Actually in fact I got really angry and blew up at someone. I know it wasn’t the best thing to do.

So here is the simmer of it…

My ex, He who shall not be named, after our break up wanted to be friends. Actually he insisted that we stay friends. In time that turned into friends with benefits. Before long, he started to slip into the kind of chatter and behaviour that was more reminiscent of being in a relationship. But even then he insisted on friends.

I have to say quite frankly, I still love him, even after all this time and after what happened. Yes, I know, it’s not the healthiest thing. But even after all of this I still love him and sometimes I hate that.

So with that debrief in mind. Today he was meant to be helping me. I have been moving slowly and today he was meant to be giving me a hand moving my stuff to the new address. Well he told me in advanced to be ready by 10am today (Saturday). So I was. 10am came and went, an hour came and went. My message got those annoying received ticks. Another hour and I had taken a cab to the new address with some of it. By 1pm I finally got a response.

It went something like this:

Him: Hey I am so fucked up

Me: Mmhmm

Him: My hay fever is so bad

Me: Mmhmm

Him: I know you are pissed

Me: Mmhmm

Him: I haven’t done anything I wanted to do today.

Me: Mmhmm

Him: I’m not even going into work today.

Me: Mmhmm

Him: I’m gonna hang up now ‘cos you’re pissed off.

Me: Mmhmm

 

Ok so maybe that was harsh but he was right. I was fuming. I seriously had enough at that point. He spent most of our relationship bailing. Even when I needed him most. Especially when I needed him most. Not always but most of the time. I don’t know why I was so hurt by it. Ok yes I do. I thought that maybe he was right, maybe he had changed like he said.

I was an idiot. I am an idiot. I still love him however much I want to be happy I still love him even when it makes me feel less than myself.

So of course on my way back to get more stuff, as soon as I step outside, it is pouring with rain. I am talking thunder, lightning and soaked to the skin kind of rain.

Well, of course I was really pissed off. Then a kid gets on the bus. The little shit is shouting pressing the bell being obnoxious. I am talking a five maybe six-year-old. What was the parent doing, fuck all!

I don’t care I am mad. When I get mad I swear. Tough.

So on the bus, I sent a message, yeah it was a bit harsh. I said that the worst part was that I was surprised this time because I thought this once he would follow through. I am not proud. He didn’t react well. But then I didn’t expect him to. I told him that he not once at any point was apologetic or even let me know sooner so that I could have sorted my plans sooner. To which I got a call to say that he was bleeding out of both nostrils and had a massive headache and he didn’t need that right now. I did something I didn’t expect myself to say, even though I was beyond angry and frustrated, I told him to get better soon.

So I had a bit of drawing, a doodle and calmed myself down quite a bit. Actually the doodling helped me a lot.

So when I calmed down I sent a message: I hate when we don’t get along. I really do. But I still want to sit down and sort things out rather than angry or annoyed or upset with one another. Today was the moving day, I needed to do things efficiently because I didn’t want to be almost here but still stuff that I want there. You know how it is when you want to settle down in a new environment. It’s horrible to have the in between itch. Getting hold of the car park key was hard enough. I was pissed off, I’m not going to lie, but it is not an excuse for me to act on it. I am working on changing that. I am changing that. I don’t want things to stay the way they are both of us being upset and angry I’d hope it be possible to talk it out.

I don’t know how I did it, being reasonable I mean. I am hot headed and normally I would have calmed myself down. But it took a good few hours and a lot of calming and soothing.

It was a manifestation from previous experience.

My name is Elliot Parker and I am a deliberate creator. I got messy about my thinking and had a manifestation of pure contrast. I had been messy and sloppy with my thinking and energy and allowed myself to fall into a trap of what was, harming my what is and it was not what I truly wanted.

I would rather be happy than be right. My anger was at wanting to believe the change and not vibrating and resonating with that belief.

Today I have learned through my manifestation that I have an unsteady vibration that I thought had slowed enough but perhaps not. It is the telling of the past that brings it back to life. So this is the death of the anger of today. Of the frustration. I am intentionally moving up through my emotional grid into better feeling thoughts and finding myself in a place of sweet relief and appreciation that when I wake tomorrow I will be starting my day on a newer, better, higher more powerful vibration where I will try to remain on the higher better feeling thoughts and energy.

My name is Elliot Parker and yes this really happened, yes I was mad, yes I still love him, and yes I would work things out if that ever was an option.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX