.: Entry Sixteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

This is a confession I need to make. That I can’t make in any other way.

There is something I haven’t told you yet. Clover is a mother. She has a toddler. Her baby daddy is a friend from high school. It is my doing that they reconnected and ended up in a relationship and then having a daughter.

Something I couldn’t confess to her, when she first started to flirt with him when we hung out, at that point in time, I really liked him, I really, really liked him. So when she got with him, well honestly I wasn’t exactly over the moon.

The thing is, since they got together my feelings for him, they died. I watched her messing him about a lot of the relationship. Following after the attentions of other men. It was infuriating the first couple of years. Well actually more than infuriating. It really used to annoy me. She had the guy that I had wanted, the relationship I had wanted. What did she do? Waste it away. Now I question if she ever really cared all that much. Well, things didn’t change much when they broke up. He stayed living with her in her mum’s house and they continued faking their relationship so he had somewhere to live.

Lots has changed since they started out years ago and now it doesn’t matter so much.

So what is it I am confessing?

Something that is too hard to bring up and tell her.

I might have accidentally gotten very drunk at her baby’s christening party. Clover’s baby daddy kissed me. The next day we talked and agreed that Clover could never know because of the tension going on around their baby, I could see the child responding to all the tension she was absorbing.

My name is Elliot Parker, this is not the end of the confession, but I wish it was.

Recently while hanging out at Clover’s I was watching her TV and I had spent most of the day keeping an eye on the baby when Clover and I had been shopping in town. I was exhausted and tired. So watching bad TV sat down sounded perfect. Her baby daddy, well he said something I found a little odd, “do you know how much I’ve wanted to spend some time alone with you?” I guess we were friends but it took me back a little. It took me back a lot when he kissed me, something, well it didn’t feel right at all.

It was awkward, I wasn’t comfortable, I didn’t want to kiss anyone, I just wanted to watch TV and relax a little bit.

The problem since then? I don’t know how to tell her, because it was never going anywhere, it never would.

I am in one of the damned if I do damned if I don’t situations because baby is in the middle and from what I can tell the tensions between them and the relationship of Clover and baby daddy can be volatile as it is. Putting this kind of tension to it, he just didn’t register on my radar as someone I am interested in.

I spent so long worrying about the effect on the baby that the relationship between Clover and myself wasn’t even an issue. To me there is nothing to tell. The advance is going no further.

Honestly my affections reside elsewhere. She knows where my affections are, who is on my radar. And her baby daddy is not.

My name is Elliot Parker and confessing to you hasn’t made me feel better. It hasn’t made me feel worse. I just know it is nothing. Nothing will, or can happen or progress. Yet again someone else is being put first. Maybe that is the best that I can do right now.

Perhaps my confession should really be this: I am tired of putting other people before myself. Family and friends are always being put before myself. A big part of me just wants to be selfish, it wants me to ignore all of the conditioning of an entire lifetime. I want to put myself first. Go after what I want and not care who gets in my way or has hurt feelings because I didn’t do what they wanted. That I didn’t yield to their demands. Is that really so bad?

I am a deliberate creator; it doesn’t mean I am cruel. But this? It just shows me that my energy is muddy. I have a bit of work to do. That is fine. It is hard to break the habits of a lifetime. I know that it can’t be impossible, so that is a reassurance.

I know that in time Clover will find out what happened, I just hope she understands that there is no future for something that can never be, especially when what I want, who I want is definitely not him. As she has always known. I just hope that she understands it was never about a lie or deception it was about the nothingness of it. The health and wellbeing of baby.

We all know the rounds of denial I go through about who I want, now that I am moving on. Now that I am moving past the past.

I know I keep going through denial and then trying to minimise the real impact of the feelings I have developed for Jonas. I keep trying to pretend they aren’t there. That I don’t smile when I see his messages or laugh, or hope for more of a chance to talk when we do. I keep trying to convince myself we are friends. When I am not trying to convince myself all I feel is friendship I am reminding myself that we both still have a professional relationship. I am his client.

I keep trying to remind myself that our similarities are just the personality types we both share. That’s not to say if he were to make a move, a suggestion, or a pass I would be angry or offended. I would probably be cool with that. Fine! Ok I would be cool with that.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Fifteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker and I like to doodle.

I am sure everyone likes to doodle, but recently I have been doodling more frequently. That doodling has turned more into drawing, or trying to draw. I sent a photo of a few of my doodle drawings to Jonas during a chat when he asked what I was doing. Rather childishly I got a bit happy and excited when he said they were good. Boy can that man draw.

I like talking to Jonas, it is fun. I know I shouldn’t but he is that one friend who if it wasn’t for my heart still longing for someone who shall not be named; but if it wasn’t for that, I would be very curious about seeing what could happen.

How often do you meet someone who just inspires you to keep working at your dream? To focus on the creativity and the things that really make you happy and not sacrifice that joy and happiness for money.

Of course with Jonas, there are some very big perspective differences, very different opinions. It makes for interesting conversations. But we are united in one thing, a love for cake. Cake is great, I mean come on?

The thing is, we met in a rather odd way. I was his client. Then the odd message once in a while turned into at least once a week then once a day and now we’ve been talking every day for a couple of months at least. Unconventional conversations are great when both participants have an open mind. But the cake debates are great.

It always makes me happy when he sends me a picture of artwork he has done. It is like when I share a little bit of what I write with someone. “Here is a little piece of my soul and energy”. That is scary to do. So I appreciate it every time. I never have to lie though. It is always great work. That man has more skills than what meets the eye. I love it. Within 20 minutes or an hour perhaps, boom there is something beautiful and wonderfully drawn and it just seems to be like magic.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I think I have a crush, I shouldn’t but I do. I don’t even know how or why, but there is just this tiny little crush kindling for Jonas even though it seems like the most impossible choice.

Like I mentioned before my heart still longs for he who should not be named, so I don’t know how it is possible for me to have this teeny tiny crush on Jonas. Yes, he is pretty awesome. He is a good friend. We get along, mostly.

Sure I was a bit of an insensitive jerk recently. But I am sort of glad that I was, because I learned something important. I don’t want to make him upset. I wasn’t a jerk on purpose I just sort of didn’t think. I didn’t know the extent that something that seemed simple and inconsequential to me would have the outcome they did.

I think it is sorted now, I hope that it is better now that we talked about it. I don’t think I realised how sensitive he was. I forgot how tetchy us creative types are.

I don’t know why the friendship grew. I mean, sure there is an aspect of a working relationship but there is also the fun silly banter. I am glad that I chose him to do the work, after all, there are somethings that just work by nature, by the energy, the right energy is always important it will tell you more about a person than what they say sometimes. Ok not sometimes, all the time.

I hate how reading energy can make things confusing, I mean, my own energy attracts specific energies and sure that can be great finding so many kindred spirits. But it doesn’t help when you are reading a friend and you know them so well you can just tell what they are doing when their energy touches yours. It is how I know when they lie, it is how I know that they have me on their mind, it is how I knew without knowing what I knew now that he who should not be named wanted to reach out to me despite his own stubborn block of being in his way.

I didn’t think I could ever read someone’s energy like this, I can read an energy from thousands of miles away. But that is it isn’t it? Energy spreads and transcends. Knowing what it is you are reading from an energy can be hard, like it is with Jonas, I think without projecting my energy on the situation from a different perspective, there are moments in his energy when I know that there is an intense focus on the artwork, or on occasion when the conversation between us is being held the object of complete focus and attention. That seems to be the point when the deepest and most honest conversations happen, with very little banter. It kind of starts with a silly question and before long, there it is, the deep conversation that sort of surprises you in ways you didn’t think of. I like the deep conversations, the serious ones, I like that it doesn’t have to be good or bad it can be said objectively and detached if need be. I like that it is possible to have a conversation about something serious and not be fobbed off with “I have to go this is too serious” or “this is too uncomfortable can we change the topic?” There is no glazing over the conversations if the tone isn’t bright and happy. There is no skip or ignore. It just happens, it is honest and I really enjoy that honesty. I really enjoy being able to talk and connect with someone that inspires me so much.

I like being able to voice how I feel honestly with someone who appreciates the honesty and reciprocates. That doesn’t hit the skip to the good part button. I say that from experiencing talking to someone who frequently hit the skip button. He who shall not be named, he did that often. I don’t blame him. But it makes me appreciate Jonas’ openness all the more.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Fourteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I have already confessed to too much, revealed too much. I have mentioned thoughts and feelings that my friends, they don’t even know about.

I have another confession to make. Though I am sure you already know. I hate to admit it, but I resent Clover, a lot sometimes. I know I get jealous that she gets what she wants, the guys she wants, the guys she doesn’t want. They all chase after her. But that isn’t all that I resent.

She has an obsession with boys. Attention from boys and the distinct lack of attention from one in particular and not Stan.

From what I can tell, the two barely talk now. They have gone from constantly messaging to a message drought. Which does annoy me if I am honest. She made him her mission and now she has dropped him like a hot potato, to prove she can do it again. With disregard for how anyone else feels. That is so frustrating. She could achieve so much more if she shifted her focus from boys onto something productive. And I am not just saying that because that is what happened to me. Because when I changed, when I learned about deliberate creation I didn’t know there was no back button, I didn’t know I could never go back to being how I was because I knew too much. No one warned me. But when I shifted my focus from my pain and darkness onto something the opposite, onto my happiness and light and my wellbeing the world evolved so much faster around me.

What I thought about changed, it was less 99% focused on pain 1% on the things that made me feel better; the balance shifted. The pain ebbed away the more the things that made me feel better became more important. And sure the cause of it circled back into my orbit but it has less of a devastating effect. This week proved that. Something that before I understood deliberate creation and became a lot happier and healthier, something that would have floored me and made me miserable didn’t hurt that bad. Instead this time it was faint disappointment that quickly faded into a shift into focus on something that I had less resistance over. My latent vibration that I hadn’t notice had less momentum. Sure it was still there and that is why my energy manifested that experience. It is just that now; I don’t hang out on that energy as much anymore.

If I can do a U-turn and feel this much better even if what comes into the experience, I am having isn’t what I wanted. I know how to clear up that energy.

That is the thing, seeing Clover repeating the same mistakes, and seeing her create all the negativity and drama and things that distract her from her purpose in life… it frustrates me.

When you see so much potential go to waste.

That’s now what I understand that I was over a year and a bit ago, I was potential going to waste because my attention was not on something that gave me unconditional love and joy.

Sure that is easy to say? No it is hard. It is so hard to admit she makes my energy cloudy. That clouding of energy wants to pull me back into unsteadiness because maybe life was easier in a way not knowing that I was a deliberate creator. It was easier to deal with things as they happen.

But now? Now I deal with things before they happen. I bring things into my experience with purpose, with reason. I can change my life in tiny increments or big giant leaps. Looking from where I was to where I am I can’t truly express just how much relief and appreciation I have for what I know now.

I tried to show Clover a bit of what deliberate creation is, or at least I tried to explain it a bit to her. Do you know what she did? She used it as a way to obsess and then justify her obsession by seeing signs because that is what she wanted to see signs and justification for what she wanted. Not once has she actually tried to go after and hunt down what she wanted. Which let’s face it, I would have done before I learned about deliberate creation and who and what I am.

Sure at first I didn’t understand the energy I was tuning into, that I was reading. That proved my point, the energy I found myself requesting wielded the results I needed to see, I needed to know I was on the right path. I know it sounds so strange, but I can’t think of a better way of explaining it.

I want to clean up my energy, I keep doing so well and cleaning it up but there’s this small muddy part of my vibration that keeps attracting Clover. Clover causes so much tension; so much frustration over nothing. She just talks and talks about these obsessions. About things that really don’t serve her or help her get what she really wants.

I just want a nice, peaceful, frustration free experience. But I suppose I should reassure you that the contrast is good, it helps clarify what it is you want. That is what I am working on more and more.

My name is Elliot Parker, I am an ever improving deliberate creator.

I know that things will get better and change in the friendship between Clover and myself.

My name is Elliot Parker and I know that everything that I want is always working out for me. Everything that I want to manifest is on its way to me because I understand what it is that I am doing. Because I understand what it is I am asking and requesting from my experience, because I know that it will come about. I know things will keep improving in all energies that I hold. I keep getting better and I can’t wait to have that secret dream again.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Thirteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

And I am a stowaway.

The Captain he stole my idea. Rather than loose the ship, rather than their only other choice, to die fighting. I had him release the contents of our cargo hold. If that is what a dread ship seeks it is what they shall have. The deck was lined with the crates.

The life rafts prepared and straw men pulled to points of origin. The Captain’s cabin was emptied. And the crew began to filter onto the rafts weapons in tow heading further from the ship. The grand old target.

Rowing as fast as possible in a very wide circle as far from the ship as can be managed towards the nearest stretch of land we had last seen. That was the aim. Or at least, that was my aim.

The dread ship was almost upon the now abandoned ship, the rigged ship.

I watched through the Captain’s scope. The dread pulled in to the ship, side by side ready to board. The first spark lit. In a heartbeat there was a rumble, both ships filled in meadow green fire. The darkness lifted lighting the night in its green glow.

My plan had saved the Captain and the crew, and the true cargo, the real cargo they had been smuggling. Me.

The Captain knew exactly who I was, where I had been kept and where I had to go to.

Not every princess is a helpless girl.

My name is Elliot Parker, as a girl, I never wanted to be the rescued princess. But in this book and in this dream, I wasn’t the one being rescued, I did the rescuing.

“Captain, I believe a girl just saved all your asses. Now, let’s get to land. I have another plan.”

That’s when I am pulled with that lurching feeling from the pit of my stomach into the room. The sunlight pouring through a distant window creating beautiful shimmers as the dust swirled and fell through the streams of light.

Reluctantly I pulled myself back to my feet and looked at the jotter pad. “Elliot Parker, we should talk.” I looked at the writing before me. Adrian had left me that note. A knot twisted in my stomach, it was bad enough that I had to accept that my safe place was accessible to others. But to talk to someone who violated my happy place, that felt more than foolish. That felt ridiculous.  That felt completely horrific and yet, and yet the very thought of discovering who Adrian was, it exhilarated me.

“We are talking.” I respond.

I felt a pang of familiar curiosity. I was dying to know who this person was. But on the other hand, there was this well of anxiety. What was this person really after? What did they want from me to come into my world to disrupt my favourite dream?

Ok one of my favourite dreams. The other, a secret. I know where it comes from, and why I have it, and why I want it to come true so badly.

I know dreams are not reality. But this one, the books, this is the most tangible, closest to real that a dream can feel. When I wake up I remember everything, as though by magic the dream was real.

That is what I don’t understand. How does this dream have real life consequences? Unlike my favourite, secret dream, which is more like sailing through my vortex and seeing what is waiting for me. What it is I have requested, come to an understanding, a knowing of the manifestation before it arrives. What I really truly want. One of the things that I really truly want. The one I am least likely to admit in a conscious world, to another person who doesn’t know what really happened. When the world went dark for me.

After then, that is when this secret dream came about. It was a desire. Now it’s inevitability, is a knowing. It’s a secret from everyone, and sometimes even myself. Though I am sure, it could probably be guessed. But I know I am not the only one who dreams that dream. That’s the thing, that is the premise. The condition of that dream coming into my experience, the condition is that it must be shared by the other key figures in the dream, the key players. I honed it, when I grasped more of this deliberate creation and the understandings grew enough to wield it with some skill. That is when I began to inflict a condition on the dream. First condition was that I will remember the dream. Then I added the condition that the other most key player would remember the dream even if they didn’t remember any other dream that night. The third condition, the dream would only come about if I wasn’t the only one who wanted it to manifest into reality.

I am having that secret dream more frequently I noticed the connection growing.

My name is Elliot Parker and I know I am right about one thing, I know that I am not the only one who wants that secret dream to be more than a dream, By that understanding, I know that it is only a matter of time before that dream comes into reality. Before it has to come into reality. Before it has to manifest.

When that secret dream manifests I think my heart could possibly explode from the joy and happiness. That is what I am eager for. The reality of joy and happiness and everything wonderful that is in it. Everything that I have been longing for. More than the safe place, more than the room with the books and the amazing feeling of being a deliberate creator. More than being able to be the girl who changes the world, her world. That is the thing, even in this dream, the room with the books, I can think and remember and act on everything I know and see and experience here. That is why I love it so much that I hope I come here, and to that secret dream.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Twelve :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Welcome to my world. Well… Welcome to the world as I know it.

Strange things happen to me, or perhaps I am the strange thing that happens. I can’t always tell. What did I create when I did not choose as deliberately as I should? I made a bet with myself a short while ago. I made a bet that Clover would mess things up with Stan. I was pretty much right. She took a lot of offence to something incredibly minor. I mean seriously minor.

We all went out for a group outing so that Clover and Stan could officially meet. I will be honest, I had tonnes of fun, that was what I wanted so that is what I got. But hey I am a deliberate creator. So as I was saying; Clover and Stan. Oh my, was that awkward. They had wanted to see a movie so we all kind of got dragged along. They sat next to each other. But before we even got to that point things started to go downhill. Stan paid for Clover’s ticket and she had asked him not to, that she wanted to do it. Well apparently that really annoyed her. But when you look for a reason or an excuse you will find one, right?

Well, here is where it got a bit amusing, for me, kind of, without meaning to sound very mean. So there we are sat watching this movie, which wasn’t as bad as I had expected it to be. So there we are sat snacking on over-priced cinema stuff, there sits Clover with a ridiculous size box of popcorn and Stan sat with a slushy and huge bag of chocolate. I’m sat with the others acting as the bumper between them and Stan and Clover having their “first meeting”.  So the movie goes on the two seem to be doing ok. I mean Clover seems a bit chilly and Stan well nervous. That’s when the first gut thought hit, well more a bet that I was going to make with myself. “I bet that Clover is going to start treating Stan like crap, I bet that they are definitely going nowhere and will not work out.”

Harsh but true.

The movie gets going with higher stakes just arriving at the climax and there is a sudden movement in my periphery. Stan has taken hold of Clover’s popcorn and is throwing up, like, seriously throwing up as though he was a fountain.

The smell was noxious. I can’t stand the smell, but rather than offer complete sympathy, I am stifling a laugh. Mainly because what the hell am I supposed to do? I mean, this is awkward. Seriously, severely, awkward.

Well, he slid out the movie unaccompanied with his popcorn box. There Clover sat with a face somewhere between resisting laughing and complete fuming anger. I didn’t have a clue what to say, or do. The both of them wanted this meeting; they wanted to go out as a group. Clover was meant to organise it but left everything to the very last minute so I had to finalise everything. Am I really expected to go check if he’s ok?

NO.

It is Clover’s thing. I am not the one who is supposed to be going to check on her sort of date.

My name is Elliot Parker. It is time Clover stepped up and took responsibility.

There I said it. She needs to take responsibility. But there she sits.  Well, I am certain that there will be no lasting relationship like he hoped. Mind you, he is a jumper, he wants a relationship confirmed before the foundations are set and laid. It made sense to me when he told me he has lots of what could be called month long relationships that never go anywhere. Of course, he jumps in before he knows who or what he is jumping into or with. The folly of still being and acting childish.

Though I can’t talk. The last relationship I had, we talked, we met, in under a month of our first hello we confirmed out exclusive relationship. To be fair, in that relationship I ended up falling in love, completely. The potential, the flaws, he just, he somehow stole all my sensibility. But I would hope that falling that deep happens to everyone, but the hurt that comes if it ends badly, it is almost unbearable.

A year. It was 365 days of a roller-coaster; and then about 40 days of complete, plummeting free fall. Then of course you crash into the ground so hard you can almost feel the molten rock burning your every single cell. Prying yourself from that kind of hurt and pain, it takes time, it takes strength and determination to feel right, to feel good again, even though at that point it feels impossible. That’s when you could say I first began to learn about surviving and about deliberate creation. That is not what I understood it to be at the time, that is not what it felt like at first. It felt like a lot of little requests, small alterations in energy. The results of the requests. They sort of grew a bit and so did the confirmation that I received from my asking.

It took some time, some understanding, some guess work as to what I was doing. Other than fumbling in the dark for the light. Eventually my asking transformed a little each time so that rather than requesting what I wanted; it became, albeit slowly, less of a request and more a statement of knowing. Each day. Moment by moment, I reminded myself what that my statement of knowing that I had begun to start my day with was going to happen.

It is funny. My first statement of knowing came from my friend’s baby’s talking toy. How perfectly simple. That first phrase? “Today is going to be a great day.”

My name is Elliot Parker, and today is going to be a great day.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX