.: Entry One-Hundred and Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker. Grief is a terrible thing. Right now I feel like I am grieving so much. I haven’t been here for so long. Not physically and definitely not mentally. Coming back here. It is different. It feels harder than it ever has. But then again, how is anything meant to feel the same.

I feel like I am on the verge of a storm of tears all the goddamn time. I feel like I am drowning. I’ve been playing for so long, pretending I had control. Trying to convince myself I could be in control of my life and how I feel and what would happen.

I was wrong.

If I deliberately created this, it seems all I created was freedom and the grief freedom brings.

It is time I told the truth, to myself.

I spent my life being controlled and manipulated. It has taken having a normal, healthy, happy relationship for me to see everything differently. From the reality of life rather than the screwed up tinted frame of what someone else wanted me to see.

I’ve seen the truth for all it is in every instance. I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother.

It has taken years in cognitive behavioural therapy to finally find words and names of it and I finally feel ready to acknowledge it for what it is. Because right now, how I feel is in free fall. I haven’t slept through the night in weeks. I wake up every few hours. Normally I am a full sleeper and I am grumpy as hell if I don’t sleep. Well without real rest for weeks now I feel like an emotional volcano waiting to explode. And I do. Every night when I lay in bed and there is nothing at all to distract myself with. No matter how exhausted I am I can’t fall asleep. All I can do is cry. I spend the days keeping it in. But at night, there is nothing to stop the floods. Every morning I wake up with that horrid hangover you get from crying your soul out.

You see, recently I found out the truth that I had needed to know. I found that the last tethers I had, the last shreds of rope that I had been tied down with were destroyed.

Sounds stupid right? How could I be tied down and not know it? How could I not know all that I do now? I suppose I sort of, subconsciously did, but I got to find out the whole lot, the whole truth, everything I needed to know from someone who didn’t have the agenda to lie to me. What hold she had to manipulate me with, what she was holding over me was gone. I was free. I am free.

The truth hurts, but I feel better for it. I was fed up to death with all the lies. Lies from the moment I was born it felt like.

So what is it like being free from that chaos and manipulation? It feels foreign. It feels weird. Like a new kind of grief. Like so many kinds of grief, I feel like I am grieving over so many things at once it’s a struggle to know where to start. It’s a struggle some times to know why I feel so emotional.

Some nights I just feel the foundations crumbling apart. I feel chunks of who I am falling away now that I am free from the torment I am struggling to find out who the hell I really am. There is only one consistency. One reassurance in the mist of this shitstorm, Dyl. I break down more, and I hate that I can’t help doing it in front of him. I just feel so on edge all the time. I just feel like I am trying to accomplish too much. I am trying to be too strong. I am trying so hard to get my shit together and stop falling apart when that is all I want to do.

Yes, I have suffered with depression before, but this feels different. It feels like that dark cloud is trying to get a grip to take hold and destroy me again but I keep fighting it all the time. I am so tired of fighting but I know I can’t let myself stop. I can’t stop fighting or I will never survive. I want to survive. I can’t let myself be swallowed up in the pain like I was before. I can’t let the unravelling of everything be the thing that kills me. I can’t let finally being free destroy me. I can’t let my liberation be the thing that messes up all the progress I made. I will not go back. I will not let myself fall further down the rabbit hole. I will not stop fighting. Not this time. It was so hard rebuilding the last time it took over. This time I will weather the storm. I will survive this storm and I will thrive. I have to. I have too much to live for.

I just have to find a way to slowly break down how I am feeling. I have to work it all out. But I think to do that, I think I need to explain how the ropes were broken. I need to tell the most unbelievable truth, but it’s the truth, it is my truth. It is my reality. It is what has been pulling me apart from the inside out. It is time I let myself just be free, whatever that is, it is such a heavy feeling. I thought being free was meant to feel lighter, like a weight lifted, instead the weight of the grief that has come with it has been like an elephant sat on my chest. No matter how hard I try to take care of myself, I can’t get that elephant to leave me alone.

.: Entry One-Hundred and Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I did something I haven’t done in such a long time. I read a book, actually I read more than one. Four to be exact. In just over a week. I couldn’t stop. I was obsessed. Not a self-help book. Not a meditation book. Just a book. There’s something about opening a book and letting it transform you in a way and boy do I feel different. I feel, so much more the badass than I remember feeling for a long time. This was something independent on realities influence.

At work, lots of people come and go, someone surprised me though. I had been walking around and a man, elderly. With grey hair and dark tan skin and a smile called to me. I had been thinking about getting home reading more of that book and the man, he said “hello your majesty” to get my attention. I was surprised. Utterly. He smiled and was lovely and polite and asked a couple of questions and told me a little of his family before I had to go and help someone. I didn’t see him leave, but he had truly surprised me. Being called “your majesty” was strange. I don’t know, I kinda liked it. I suppose. I think it was funny in a way, a way to see deliberate creation at work, instantaneous, resistant free. The book I had been reading was about a queen. A badass one at that.

In reality, I know I am no queen. But there is a problem with that, I have to correct that, because in some ways I am. In the spirit dreams, I am. Even though I haven’t had any in ages, I know regardless of what dream I enter, there is a degree of something unwritten. In my dreams I am the one thing I have never associated myself with being, I can’t imagine my waking days as being royalty. It feels like a much too precious a thing. But when it comes to dreams that is different.

There was something else in those books that unleashed something. Not a badass queen. No this was different.

I hadn’t thought about it before, the type of kisses that there are, the way a kiss can feel.

I can’t remember what the last one with Adrian was like. I can’t work it out. I can’t imagine it, not that I want to.

But I can remember the last one I had when Dyl dropped me home Saturday. It was freezing and we were tired. It was starting to rain. Where I live creates this wind tunnel kind of effect, which makes my hair whirl and whip and it becomes a total mess. He kissed me softly, like one of those well practiced, well executed goodbye kisses. In that moment that wasn’t enough. So when he pulled back, I couldn’t resist snaking my hand round to the back of his neck and pulling him into another kiss. I didn’t want it to end, I suppose it could be called a hungry kiss. The kind where you pull someone closer, the kind where you want it to show them how you feel about them. That kind of kiss that says “you’re it, you’re the one, you are mine” was what I had aimed for.

This morning I woke up and realised that it is about time we celebrated that we have made it so far, given how resistant I was at first to let myself develop feelings for him. I remember it feeling like I was fighting the inevitable, like I was fighting a losing battle and it petrified me in some ways, falling for him if he wasn’t feeling the same. After how we started, it wouldn’t have been an irrational fear. We were only meant to be friends with benefits. Short lived. Turns out that was impossible, we ended up falling in love and no matter how much I tried to resist I knew that was what was happening. I tried living in denial. But we started dating and became practically inseparable. Like an addiction. When I feel weak and stressed and like there is the wildest hurricane of negative emotion in me just a small moment with him; a message, a call, a smile, a hug, a kiss… it just revives me and brings me to this irresistible peace.

Today I woke up and felt like celebrating, I guess total appreciation for where I am in my life now is pretty good. Even with family passing judgement today that I wasted so much of my potential and ended up in this job. But I am just thankful I did, because I am where I needed to be all along. I found someone that brings me peace, I found my vocation and passion, and I found a job to tide me over until my passion is financially justified. That is ok. I am happy and I am ready with all these good things going on with life…

There is no such thing as wasted potential. The families dream for me were different from my own, I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. Until I started making those decisions for myself. Until I decided who I wanted to be none of it would have mattered and making them happy wouldn’t have made me happy. I wouldn’t be here now.

I know who I am. That is more than enough. I am happy with who I am. I am satisfied immensely and I know that there is an out pouring of good things, an abundance of everything I desire flowing to me with ease and joy. I am happy. I am in love. I am me. I am Elliot Parker, deliberate creator… who needs to work a little harder at consistently deliberately creating her life. But hey what’s a little contrast for a girl who has changed her life, saved it in some respects.

.: Entry One-Hundred and One :.

My name is Elliot Parker and it has been a long while since I paid much attention to my thoughts and I think that is now biting me on the butt big time. Counter intuitive I know, after all, your thoughts become things.  I have found myself trying to pull back from Dyl, not because I want to but because I have been worried I have been asking for too much of his time. I suppose I didn’t expect the old scars of the last relationship to be bothering me when I am happy, because I am happy. Yet here the scars are, seeping in and making me worry. I think all the time I was with Adrian I felt like I was always asking too much of him, too much a demand on his time because he never seemed to willingly give it, I know that was not how a relationship was supposed to be. And yet now, when Dyl gives me his time so willingly I am worrying I am overstaying my welcome in his company, that I am over stepping. Not because he makes me feel that way. But because I have learned to feel that way. I know it feels absolutely ridiculous and I can barely explain it to myself.

I suppose, I had harboured the fears for a week or two now. I suppose, perhaps triggered by a choice that was recently made. I said that he had to choose what was right for him. I meant it. I know that my concerns are probably one-hundred percent illogical. He chose a day off that would give us most of an evening together and to be fair he chose a day he wanted off. Part of me just seemed to get caught up in the worry that there was something more to it, something more to his choice of not going for a day where we would have off together. I suppose logic wasn’t the first thought or feeling perhaps I had, I suppose, it felt something more akin to feeling a little like hurt or rejection. Stupid but true. I suppose giving that some quiet validation and being able to then logically invalidate my concerns. Rather than harbour them and keep them quiet I stopped letting that concern fester and grow, I opened it into a conversation with Dyl at last today… it was completely illogical to have those concerns. It took less than five minutes to be able to dismantle the concerns with his support. Rather than taking them as an affront Dyl tried to understand the how and the why. Then showed me how he decided that the decision was aside of the concerns I had and reminded me that he wants us to move in together. And like that the concerns dissipated. It turns out giving the concerns a voice and bringing them to the table was the right path for us. It helped alleviate them.

Being able to talk about my concerns, allowing them that brief voice was the best way to dismiss them and turn them to nothing more than smoke in the air. It took its power away, it took the thoughts power away, the power to over think the concern was lifted and it became much easier to walk away from without that niggling after thought. That was exactly wanted.

I don’t think I could pull back from Dyl no matter how many times I have tried. When we first started talking, I tried and failed. When we first started hanging out, again I tried to pull back and I failed. As I developed feelings I tried again and failed. I don’t think it is possible for me to be able to pull away. I try to pull away when I am scared but with him it can at times be very much impossible to feel anything other than happiness and love and I know that it is right. I know that we are right, we are naturally drawn together because we make each other happy. We try to calm each other’s fears or concerns or worries. I know I fought us developing into a relationship for a very long time. I was so afraid of a relationship like the last but I know it would be impossible for us to ever replicate that. Our relationship is formed on so many wonderful things, on happiness and trust and patience and love and respect. How can a darkness such as fear and insecurity live in such bright wonderful feelings? The simple answer is that it can’t.

I am amazed every day when I wake up, there is no challenge to think of something wonderful. That very first thought of the day is no longer negative or a challenge to find that something wonderful. My first thought when I wake up is being thankful to have Dyl in my life. Starting the day with that one thankful thought can make it easier to avalanche a thought of something else wonderful and appreciative. Each day begins wonderfully with a thankful blessed feeling and every night ends with the same thankful blessed feeling. I can’t help but keep feeling lucky and sure and wonderful every day.

I think that my harbouring those concerns for that week without giving them voice and air to turn them to smoke couldn’t even stop my general happiness, sure it brought me into a little bit of a weird dissociative feeling. Like a strange funk. Like I had second guessed my own second guessing for a week, now that is over its kind of like a wave of quiet relief.

My name is Elliot Parker, and I am not going to be my own worst enemy anymore. I am just going to enjoy being happy and stop getting in my own way. Stop over thinking things. I am happy and that is important. I am safe and that is wonderful. I am in love.

.: Entry One-Hundred :.

My name is Elliot Parker, I’ve barely heard from Adrian in a long time, but that is ok I guess, it is time we all move forward. Things have been changing a lot recently.

I finally got the courage to be able to tell Dylan that I love him. So there we were sat cuddling on the sofa on our first official month together, and I managed to say it. “I just want you to know, I love you.” I guess part of me expected to hear something very Adrian like “I won’t ever be able to say that to you” or something like “I don’t feel that way” I don’t know if I even expected an answer. That didn’t happen though. He said “I love you too.” So obviously we kissed, who wouldn’t kiss at a moment like that.

Since then, it feels like I have been living a dream. I haven’t had time to think, I have literally just been living, we have gone on outings, managed to spend every free moment when we can be together, together.

We spent a whole week together and didn’t kill each other. Like in a way it was a great trial run to see if we have a future together and it really does seem very possible. I can’t believe how lucky I am; it just feels blessed.

I know it’s not necessarily that I am lucky, it is probably more that I am a deliberate creator and I wanted a wonderful life and that is exactly what is happening.

Dyl is showing me every day, without trying that he is exactly who I want to be around. He is incredible. I get a message at least once a day that makes me smile. He is unfailingly kind and I couldn’t imagine life without him now.

Sure I resisted the idea of us developing feelings for each other at first. But, I am so glad I caved, I love him. I didn’t think I would or could love anyone else again but here I am. In love with the sweetest man on earth. He is just such a naturally happy person. I hope I get to spend the rest of my life with him.

We’ve had quite a few serious talks over the last few weeks, starting with the traditional what can we picture together as a future together type conversation. Slowly it became a case of me asking, I am planning to save up for some things, I want to know, if I can, can we save for some things together to build our future together. What would we like to achieve together, what can we start working on together? That lead to us discussing the goals on the list, our financial realities. Safe to say this deliberate creator is working on becoming less resistant towards the incoming flow of abundance and money. That aside, we agreed on some goals to work on. We are both working on getting things sorted for next year, we want to live together when it is something we can financially feasibly afford. And I am sure that there will be a beneficial change to our income very soon, anything is possible and abundance flows freely towards us.

Right now I have one thing on my mind, seeing Dylan again really soon. I just want to spend a little stolen time together; things have been very crazy recently so getting some time together is always a golden opportunity.

However not all is good in my world. Clover. She is still refusing to be remotely supportive of the relationship between Dylan and myself. Since then, since our arguments and since I have been standing my ground and sticking up for myself a bit more there has been a distinct lack of communication between us. It bites at me simply because if this was the other way around she would expect the same support from me. Dylan isn’t a bad influence; he is a good guy who constantly finds ways to make me smile. He is incredible and she refuses to even meet him, it is one excuse after another.  She doesn’t want to support the happiness from the way it looks. Dylan doesn’t constantly let me down. He and I are working on building a long term future together, I just had hoped I would have had her support. I would have liked for her to want me to be happy and not just say it but to mean it too. However, I think she might just need some time.

Given how long it has taken me to write this who knows, maybe next time I sit down to write “My name is Elliot Parker” she will have stopped being a thorn in the side of a happy life and begun being part of the garden that is blooming… I just hope she isn’t going to be a weed that needs up-rooting. I know that sounds drastic. But, in this life we have to protect our happiness and I don’t want a toxic energy still influencing my future and what I want to manifest. I want my friend back, in the good goofy sense. I want my friend that wants to hang out and mess around and be idiots with. I want my friend that doesn’t have to or want to only talk about boys with. I want my friend that I can discuss the important things with, like me talking to my dad again, things that big that are that huge and important and scary all at once. I want that friend where we help each other with any worries and share in each other’s happiness and try to build each other up. I just hope Clover is up for that step though, I keep trying and meeting a brick wall, so maybe one day I will get through to her, that or I will just walk away eventually. She is that love/hate friend sometimes, she is marmite.

.: Entry Ninety- Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker and the room around me feels distorted. It is familiar as I begin to try to piece together where I am. It’s the room that changes, the one with the books. Except it is darker than I remember. There is no light. The books appear in and out of focus, but I can feel I am not alone here. There is a prickling sensation at the back of my neck, it no longer feels like the safe soft dream I remembered.

“I haven’t seen you in a while” his voice is just as distorted as the room. I would recognise it anywhere. Adrian. I turn to where his voice had come from but there is no one there.

“It’s been weird, hard to talk to you lately.” I choke on my words knowing how insufficient I sound.

“What do you expect?” He sounds cold for a moment before he speaks again, “you gave up on me.”

“It’s not like that.” I try to defend myself. “Ok, maybe it is, but you didn’t change like you promised. You didn’t exactly fight for me did you?”

“What if I did now? Would it make a difference?” Finally, I see him take his form in the room. The books stay absent now. Its bare shelves and just us in the room.

“Not really. It’s too little too late. How many chances did I give you?”

“Too many.” The silence hangs in the room for a while. “I miss you.”

“You too, you’ve been drinking again.” I say, I my voice feels cold now, almost disapproving.

“Yeah.”

“I’m not even surprised. Clover is still going to bat for you. She refuses to act like it’s a good thing I moved on. I wouldn’t take it as a testament to who you are, it’s selfish on her part.”

“Oh, cos of her obsession?”

“Pretty much. It sucks, it doesn’t change one thing though. You have been such an important part of my life, I just wish there was a way for you to understand just how much you have meant to me.”

“I know how you felt, I just took advantage and expected you to put your life on hold for me, wait around for ever.”

“To have your cake and eat it?” I remember the echo of the words I hear from a memory of Clover’s own words.

“Something like that, I never thought I would lose you.”

“You didn’t, I will always be your friend, but as for anything else, I think our time for that has passed.”

“I know. You are happy though? He makes you happy?”

“Very. Are you happy?”

“Remember what I said? Happiness is over rated. I’ll be fine.”

“Maybe one day we could have this conversation in the real world, I think our friendship isn’t exactly thriving is it?”

“It’s too soon.”

“You are the one who told me that we weren’t ever going to get back together, that we wouldn’t work out, you told me I should date people.”

“I didn’t mean it. I never thought you would actually date someone or move on.”

“You didn’t think it through did you?”

“Nope.” The book shelves begin to disappear, the room is becoming empty, like it is slowly being dismantled.

“The room? Is this the last time we will be here? It looks like it is falling apart.”

“That is because I am. I don’t know if we will ever be here again. But I am sure you can find some other way to entertain yourself in your dreams. You don’t need me anymore.”

I want to walk away, to leave the room but I am rooted to the spot, like I am held by some strange magnet and I can’t leave. “Really? You want to end this by trying to make me defensive? You want to end this dream by trying to start a fight? Come on you are better than that?”

“Am I? I am trying to keep our friendship going in the real world, but it feels like you aren’t interested.”

“You send me memes once every other week, your responses are dry, you never ask how I am doing, you never want to know what I have been up to. But you do like to go on about how much you’ve drunk, how messed up drunk you and your mates got, how you want to move out, how you feel about your job, about you wanting to go on another party holiday and get wrecked again. You aren’t interested in a friendship with me, you just want the emotional support you always got out of me, it feels like you expect more from me now that we are not having sex or hanging out. You’re still wanting me to behave like I did when we were together sometimes and now it is simply not appropriate.”

“Because of your new boyfriend.”

“Exactly why. I am in a relationship and I really care about him.”

“Do you love him?”

“Is that any of your business?”

“Just answer”

“Yes.”

“Like you loved me?”

“It’s different, he makes me feel different.”

“How?”

“He makes me happy, he shows me he cares, he makes an effort to try to make me smile or laugh anytime I don’t feel myself or happy. He wants me to be happy, and I want him to be happy. We work together in a way that you and I didn’t. He is a real team mate, when I think about him the world is brighter from the inside, like it’s a radiant kind of feeling.”

“I didn’t make you happy?”

“Not like this. You are very different people, I feel accepted for who I am with him, the good the bad and the hellish. I don’t feel like I have to try to keep being a better version of myself because with him I already feel like I am the best version of myself, and I feel loved for it.”