.: Entry Ninety-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

There have been quite a few, too many to name, mornings in my life where I have woken up in my life and wondered what the hell I was doing. It’s not the first time I have ever had that feeling when I wake up with the horrific realisation that this is definitely not what I had pictured my life would be like. It’s happened a lot probably due to me repressing large chunks of time and playing instant catch up to where I am now. But this morning I woke up, there wasn’t any displeasure in my morning thoughts about where I am in my life, but that is mainly because I am happy.

For a large portion of my life, I feel happy and relaxed. So this time should be filled so much with uncertainty, usually I would be majorly panicking. But since I have spent this time with Dyl that hasn’t happened. I am waiting to see if my contract will be made permanent. I would really like my contract to be made permanent I like working there, I like my colleagues and the friends I am making. But most of all, I like bumping into Dyl at work and occasionally being able to steal a kiss. I know, not very professional. But I do like it there. I like working there, I like the fun and the friendly environment.

So while I got rejected for a job that I didn’t want in a place that I didn’t want to work, that I only applied to as a back-up option, I can’t exactly say I feel bad. Not disappointed, just a bit average about it, I didn’t like the impression I got from them. We didn’t click energy wise and that is ok. I really like where I work now and I want to stay there, we click and get along. That is where I feel happiest. Being somewhere fun and enjoyable, even with the odd bad day, I still like working there, I don’t dread going to work. Sometimes I might feel a bit lazy about the notion and idea of going to work but that is ok.

I really enjoy working in a place where I can be positive. I enjoy working in a place where I feel like for the short time I am working there is an easy job that I get to enjoy. I get to meet new people and develop familiar interactions focused around positivity with regular, frequent people that are around me.

There is more to this good feeling than just where I work, because when I wake up in the morning I can lay there and just smile. I have to admit, that the first thought when I wake up has, for a short while, been Dyl. We have been getting along, we have a lovely steady relationship going. The dating phase passed and we have become “official” and it’s been almost a month and it just feels like yesterday. But more than that, it feels like even though it’s been a short time, its flown by because it has been so enjoyable. It has been a really happy positively focused time.

I have enjoyed spending the time with him, but it feels like we have been together a lot longer than we have because we have clicked into place with each other. It just feels right and natural, the old me would have freaked out and wanted to run away more than once by now.

Sure I never intended to develop feelings for Dyl, that was never my plan, but he has repeatedly surprised me. We are stable together, his crazy compliments my crazy.

I think when I interact with him, when I do send him a message I want him to look at it and smile, I want him to feel good, I want him to know that he is appreciated for being himself. I want him to feel good yes, just like I want to feel good but I am not holding myself accountable for his happiness and he is not being held accountable for mine. Though yes he does make me happy, it’s like the super bonus kind of happy. Like the icing on the cake of happy. It makes things better. I don’t want him to feel like I am dependant on him to make me happy, I want him to feel like, yes she is there for me, yes she makes me happy. I want us both to just enjoy this time together, the way that just knowing the other exists makes us happy. I can’t help but smile when I think about him, which can be a little inconvenient… believe me.

I think in all those mornings when I woke up wondering what the hell I was doing with my life I never expected it to lead to here, to now. I feel like the future looks optimistic just by how we like to encourage one another. I damn lucky I think, because we want to be supportive of one another. The future is something we are wanting to co-create together. Sure he doesn’t know about the whole deliberate creation thing, I think that he thinks it as happy coincidences but, luckily he is a very positive person so it just seems to create this positive glow of wonderfulness around him. That or it is the rose tinted glow of love…

Tomorrow I want to wake up and make another list of all the other great things in my life, all of the great things I am experiencing and looking forward to experiencing. I want to make that same list before I go to sleep tonight, a list of all of the things I am grateful for in the day.

I want to keep redefining that “successful” feeling, because I am sure that it is more than just what I can achieve in a day, it could very well be what I feel in a day.

.: Entry Ninety-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker, last time I wrote, I had a boyfriend, a wonderful shiney new relationship. That hasn’t changed, except now, things are different. We have been spending a lot of time together, as much as we can grab to be around each other, whether that means meeting up after work for dinner or sleeping round his home. That all sounds great doesn’t it, and it would be perfect with a bit more support from my friends and family. I’m not saying they disapprove; I am saying that it’s a bit weird. Clover still isn’t very on board. My gran is well, she is a bit difficult about it, very cantankerous… it was a bit of a challenge getting her to meet up with him, she now says she thinks he’s alright but she holds reservations about the entire male population anyway. My dad, well, we recently got back in contact so I think things are weird there anyway, but not as weird as with my mum who I can’t tell about my dad because she will go psycho and start causing troubles. So it’s not like I am going to introduce psycho-mum to Dyl. I like being happy and that is how I want to stay. That simple really. That being said Hal seems supportive of the new relationship. That’s the thing with Hal and I, we genuinely want each other to be happy and like supporting each other as we progress and move forward with our lives.

Speaking of moving forward, Dyl and I miss each other a lot, so we have had a few talks, and there is the possibility that next year, he and I will move in together if finances allow. Which currently has been the thing holding us back. I mean, if we won the lottery tomorrow we would probably find a way or a place to live together as soon as humanly possible. I know it sounds very quick to even consider. But I feel sure about him, and I sure as hell hope I win the lottery tomorrow. I mean, without jumping the gun, I can see a very long term future with him.

I know this sounds harsh, because I am about to do a comparison. When I was with Adrian I felt insecure a lot of the time because I always had the fear of being the “for now” girl and the relationship not being a forever which I think should have been the biggest clue in hindsight that it was a for now situation. I think my insecurity over being “for now” and being told that I wouldn’t ever hear him speak the words “I love you” to me, and according to him, no one ever would, it was a hard way to live in a relationship. That amount of uncertainty isn’t good, and there was uncertainty that began right when we first got together, there was no idea whether there was a future together let alone what that might look like because as far as I knew the only thing he ever really thought about in the future was his work and that should have been a very big clue to where I stood and just how easily replaceable I would be… by his job. Harsh, but true.

With Dyl, it’s not like that at all, I don’t feel insecure and when I need a little reassurance he gives it to me rather than leaving me not knowing where I stand. He tells me what he pictures for us and reminds me that he does without me needing to ask for it, it feels good. I don’t feel like a for now girl, I don’t feel like a stop gap or something to pass the time. I feel like this is a secure and forever future kind of situation which is exactly what I wanted. I wanted to know where I stand and what the future can hold and I do and it looks like such a wonderful picture. I want to be with him. I didn’t realise what my ideal guy was until I met him and got to know him and saw how we clicked. From my eyes he is the other half of me, not an opposite trying to find a way to work, but instead a partnering and continuation of the same piece of soul and that feels great, it feels great to just know that that is how I feel. I love this certainty.

I mentioned what Adrian said about how he would never say those three words to anyone. Here is a kicker, it’s kind of messed up my ability to say it myself. There has been a bit of a problem on my part, I can’t get those three words out. I feel them, I really feel them with Dyl and I want to say it, it is on the tip of my tongue but I just can’t get it out. No matter how hard I try. I love Dyl, I do, but I am fighting myself every time I see him because I want to tell him so bad and part of me is getting in the way and its messing me up. I am ready to say it, I am not uncertain in anyway how I feel about Dyl, I just can’t get the damn words out enough to be able to say it to him. it is so hard. I know that sounds stupid right? Why is it hard? Well because I ended up becoming afraid of those words. Like if I say them will it mess things up, will I feel that level rejected all over again even if it wasn’t really a rejection it was just a bit harsh and blunt. I know that feeling will fade, I know I will stop fighting myself because at the end of the day how I feel about Dyl hasn’t changed or lessened, if anything I feel it more and more, and I feel it burning inside of me when we are together, it’s the brightest feeling, the most amazing sensation to just know that you love someone completely from the higher part of yourself in the most whole part of yourself in a way that just feels so very radiant through the best and worst of yourself, if that makes sense. I hope it makes sense. It’s hard to put it into words, I just know I am not afraid to love Dyl. That feels good, to not be afraid to love.

.: Entry Ninety-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker, and yes, you read that right, I am in a relationship, I have a boyfriend! It’s official, Dyl and I are officially together and I couldn’t be happier. I hadn’t mentioned it because I wanted to get the whole Clover thing out of my system some more before I revealed the thing that has had me so happy. But Clover is well… Clover.

I know, I know, it was sort of inevitable, what with that almost magnetic attraction. Over the last couple of months, we have spent a lot of time together, and I mean A LOT of time together. He just makes me naturally happy there is no effort involved it is just that instant happy feeling even just thinking about him. He makes me happy and doesn’t have to do anything. He is on my mind a tonne; it just feels good. I met his mum and dad, they are lovely and so wonderful so it’s no surprise he is as lovely as he is. The quirky expressions while we are at work and can’t really talk, the smiles and the winks, it’s just that impossible to ignore attraction. Yeah you read that right at work. I mean, yes we are professional no making out in the halls, we have been trying to keep it a secret but it seems that secret is out, those in the know, know. I guess it was inevitable and I suppose it explains why a couple of people are being nicer and slightly more smiley with me. It’s like, yes I know you know, but no I will not ever discuss that part of my life with you sort of feeling. Harsh or fair it doesn’t matter; I haven’t been close with them before I won’t be now. I am guessing a few people know that we don’t even know about but that is ok. A couple of people I don’t mind the odd talk with, but even then I won’t be talking about anything incredibly personal with them.

I am quite lucky, we try to see each other once a week which I know is a lot more than I used to see Adrian even when we were together and I know I pretty much was used to that, but with Dyl, it can sometimes just feel not enough I would happily spend every day with him just in his company.

I know I mentioned Adrian, there is a reason for that, he has been trying to be very friendly recently, even inviting me to his birthday party, the thing is, I didn’t feel comfortable going. Mainly because I would rather keep my free time open for Dyl and spending time with him and talking to him. I get that we are friends, but, things feel weird. Especially as Clover seems to have no intention of supporting the relationship with Dyl, not in the way that matters. Clover and I had been talking in small amounts and finally I snapped a bit after her “oh ok” and “cool” lack of supportive responses, I’d basically had enough so I asked her out right.

“Do you have an issue with Dyl?” I asked, it was just the annoyance of dead, flat, uninterested responses. I can’t be blamed for finally having enough of this sodding attitude.

“I don’t know the guy so don’t have an issue.” I got sent back so I just shrugged it off while she carried on typing until she hit send. “You know me I am team Adrian unfortunately but no I don’t have an issue with Dyl!! I want you happy.” Part of me doubts that last bit. The thing is, I think, ultimately she wants me to be hanging on her every word about all the boys she has sniffing around her looking for a scrap here and there. That is not happy making. I know it is about to sound hypocritical, but, there is more to life than boys and I know it may not seem like I think like that given how I write here but I do have goals and dreams and things I want to do and achieve without the impact and importance of a relationship or boyfriend. My boyfriend is a welcome, happy bonus to my life; support and comfort and happiness on the path to whatever it is I am desiring and pursuing in my life. A relationship is not the all-consuming be all end all in life, a relationship is a bonus wonderful aspect of life to accompany life, to give it a brighter more enjoyable facet.

“Dyl makes me happy so I am very much team Dyl, it feels relaxed and easy and he seems happy with me too.” She promptly changed the topic onto something about her. If I am to be honest I am not entirely surprised by her attitude. Dyl is a threat to her view that getting back with an ex when it seems impossible being a reason to hold on and cling to that ideal. Truth be told I just find it annoying. I mean, I think it is going to take her a long time to adjust to the new happy me, the me that past problems aren’t as big of a deal which as harsh as it sounds, means we do have a lot less to talk about.

Honestly I do feel completely at ease with being myself around Dyl in every way, we both just are our most authentic selves around each other and we just fit together. We just get along in a way I didn’t ever expect was possible. He is all the things I never knew I wanted, and many of the things I needed. Someone who wants me as much as I want them. I like feeling very sure and clear and happy. I guess I am just very lucky… That or I am a brilliant deliberate creator, which is probably the truth, given that I need to work more on the deliberate part.

.: Entry Ninety-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker and yes Clover was still thinking about that status and what people were saying about her because of it.

Safe to say I kind of had enough of it. She said she wasn’t happy and I told her that she has a choice in what she thinks. She didn’t like that much because her response was “I don’t think you get it, it’s not NICE for me!” Well, that was the last straw of my patience of this. I snapped and no I am not proud but even though I would have loved to cut her a new one for it I tried to be firm but fair while I stood up for myself. “I know you’re not happy, do you think it makes me happy when you post statuses like that about me?” After the many times she had done exactly what that woman is doing to her to me she now had the nerve to act clueless. I wasn’t going to shy away from the point I wanted to make this time, like I had before. “I know you have done it, people have sent me screen shots and proof and I have called you out on it before especially with that whole thing about that abusive twat that you chose.” Her response did her no favours, “that’s different, were you called a dirty little slapper, nope!” (no Clover, but you’ve called me a slut in a roundabout way before because I don’t have to be in love [or obsessed] with someone to sleep with them… but that is beside the point.)

I responded quite shortly given how annoyed I was; I didn’t want to deviate from the point or give any idea that I condone her behaviour. “No I was called a shit friend etc,” she didn’t like me still refusing to budge on my stance. Her response “I’d rather be that, its 100 times better sorry. Better that than a dirty little slapper or a girl who wants to get in every boys pants it’s all lies and fabrications.” Of course I took that to mean she thinks every time she does those statuses she is saying the gods-honest-truth. So I messaged her a thumbs up emoji with “ok so I’m a shit friend” good to know these things isn’t it. Like seriously, does she not even realise what she is saying, that it’s ok for her to post those statuses and have those effects on people as long as they don’t do it to her. She can make everyone else feel as shit is right now, but she doesn’t want any of her own medicine!

She didn’t like my sarcastic but clearly very loaded response. “What are you even talking about? I love how I am having a real shit time not happy at all and yet you want to turn it round on to you something from the past? Erm ok, clearly I’ve missed something here. You want to know if I think you’re a shit friend? No I don’t think you’re a shit friend at all.” Oh but it’s ok to post that publicly across all social media and say all other kinds of things calling me all kinds of things she backs down from when I confront her about because she knows its utter b.s. hmm… double standards much?

So I took my time to make sure I was toning down what I said to be sensitive to her and fair and still stand my ground. “No I want you to accept that she is doing what you’ve done to me and you don’t seem to have any empathy about the consequences of how you make people feel. The fact that you feel this shit about what people are saying about you and that woman isn’t even your best friend.” Which was the point I wanted to make, she feels that shit about someone she isn’t even close to, she thinks its ok to act like that because she feels victorious as a victim and isn’t held accountable for how she acts.

“I’m sorry but this isn’t about you, no she isn’t my best friend.” Well, I haven’t exactly sent her a message or spoken to her since, I have had enough by that point and I walk away. I’ve put her on mute for a while, at the moment its set for a week. She probably sees it as a victory like she is right and I should be the one ashamed of my behaviour. I’m not at all, I am proud that I remained honest and true to myself and was as fair and kind to her as I could be while being firm. Honestly I screenshotted the conversation and sent it to her baby daddy to keep him in the loop so he knew exactly what was said, and what she had implied, he has his little one to think about. I sent him a bit of a long old message.

“I am sorry but I am taking a break from Clover drama. I am sorry to leave you to it with her but I tried to rein myself in and be as fair as I could to her while being as honest as I could without setting her off. I am sorry but I need a break from the stream of negativity, constant boy drama about Sam, Sam, Jamie etc, I can’t keep up and I can’t be a good friend right now if everything I say is constantly being ignored or belittled or it doesn’t fit in with what she wants to hear. I tried being patient but she has pushed too far today and I just want to be happy and enjoy my new relationship without being made to feel bad about it. I am trying to change my life to what I want it to be in terms of writing and a steady income and a possible future with someone who makes me happy, and I think perhaps I need the distance from her so that I can do that without risking things. I am sure that she will be fine and that you will be too, just keep an eye one the little one if Clover has gone on another one of her spirals, she is an intuitive kid, and I know you will have her back.”

His response “yeah, that is probably for the best, just focus on you x”

.: Entry Ninety-Four :.

My name is Elliot Parker and I am doing my best. I am trying so hard to be an understanding person, to have grown and moved forward, but sometimes my little halo slips a little…

You know that song Kill Em with Kindness? Well I think I snapped. Not in a bad way strictly, more in the sense of if I don’t say something I will kill Clover kind of way. We’re kind of in a bit of a fight. She is up at her nans at the moment, that doesn’t mean we nerves and buttons don’t get pushed. Basically for days all I have heard about is some woman (the mother of one of her friends) posting a status on social media. She didn’t use Clover’s name… but what she said… well its caused a bit of a stir. Basically she posted a status along the lines of a type of girl… I mean there’s nothing stopping me writing it here is there?

“Certain girls are amusing me, you know what I mean the kind of girls who: has to be everyone’s friend on here, will like every status, will comment b.s. like “I’m here for you hun” etc, a really loyal friend who… searches on your friends lists and adds all your boy mates, starts sending messages to your fella and claim it was them, the second you split from your fella she’s straight round to him, oh and the first boy that reacts to her she begins a full out relationship (in her head) if they speak more than once she will be in love, she stalks them, when they realise they back off and she is heartbroken and everyone has to hear over and over and over how she has been used… if you hand it to them on a plate they will probably take it…. the girl that the only quality a guy needs for you to fancy them is a pulse”

What a harsh thing to say, but, the thing about stalking a guy or hearing over and over about her obsession with them, it’s not 100% untrue. That was about four or five days ago… give or take, and that was the only thing she was willing to talk about. No matter how many times you tried to bring up a positive conversation or topic, it was her new obsession. I said to her “I think, if they haven’t got the balls to say it to your face rather than play a victim all over social media than that is a prime example.” When I wrote that I was honestly thinking “you’ve done this to me before and now someone is doing it to you. Will you even see the connection?” Apparently not. Because when someone does those statuses it is anything but a reflection of you, it is their own guilt and insecurity reflected back to them… it is not you, it is their vibration.

She had the balls to say “it’s like they are trying to provoke a response so they can be the victims and I am the attacker, this is basically bullying.” I just wanted to stick a mirror in front of her. Sure I write here in my diary but that is exactly what this is, a diary. So, anyway, I responded to that comment as calmly and controlled as I could. “To be honest, whenever it has happened to me I take a break from the relationship with whomever is involved and I refocus my life onto what I want. It is easier and feels better to focus on happiness without a reminder of negativity. It gives concentration and drive to make dreams and decisions about what you want to come into your life in an easy way.” Which is something I do try to do. To be completely honest, that is what I have started doing again. I took out the notebook, wrote down a short list of things that interests me, and said to myself, “ok, this stuff makes you happy, relaxed or smile… let’s do more of that whenever we can. Let’s focus on being happy and let’s look at dreams we want to come true and start taking small bites out the big task to making them come true, one little success at a time!”

The next day same topic of the broken record she wouldn’t change. I tried to be sympathetic… she has it in her head it is because her cousin is trying to date her friend’s ex they are aiming so much of that status at her, she wanted to tell the cousin to either hurry up and lock him down or leave him alone because it is causing her trouble. I said it was a big ask because it was. She seriously asked her cousin to either hurry up and get with someone even if you’re not sure and need to take your time or end the relationship prematurely without finding out if it had a future, that is kind of a cruel thing to ask.

A little while later Clover implied she was looking at how to overdose on her medication, what an overreaction, how insensitive can you get? Your sort of brother in law died at his own hand earlier in the year and you think that form of trying for attention is appropriate? It was cold. I had enough, I was getting to that point in a conversation when you want to rip someone’s head off because they can’t see exactly what they are doing because they are trying to get attention constantly about the same thing. She has too much time on her hands. I am not just saying that just because I am feeling a time shortageness.

A few hours later she pipes up again and pretends to ask how things are before she uses it as a platform to say she is “thinking”. Three guesses to what she was thinking about…