.: Entry Thirty :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I should be angrier than I am. I should be livid. I feel deceived, this room with the books, it was all his doing. It was all his creation.

“You hate me don’t you?” His words punctuate my thoughts.

“I can’t hate you, even when I try and you know that.”

“Are you mad?”

“You know that you asking that is normally the thing that makes me mad. That’s that thing you do.”

“Elliot, what are you thinking.”

“When I said I love you, I meant it, I still mean it. When I said always I meant exactly that. But this, seeing you like this and hearing what you can’t or won’t say in the real world, that is not enough. This needs to have real world consequences.”

“I can’t promise that, I am standing in my own way.”

“You need to sort that out, it is not fair that you and I both know what we want, it is not fair that we both want the same thing ultimately. But I am tired of being the only one willing to pursue that. You need to meet me halfway, at least.”

“I want to.”

“I know that, I know. But this has to have some consequence in the real world. You are the one who insisted we stayed friends. You are the one who keeps us in each other’s orbits. I know this is stupid. It is stupid that I have to say this to you. My friends who have barely any idea of the complications of what goes on with us, they say that you still have feelings for me, that you aren’t over me. I already know that, I read it in you. And yet I have always been the one who made the first move to reconcile arguments to sort things out, I have always tried my best. But you not meeting me half way reinforces the feeling that I had that I was never good enough.”

“That’s not true.”

“I know that. I know that I am good enough. I am worthy. I am standing here, in this created place where we can talk openly and you still want me to jump through the hoops and wait forever. I love you. I do, always. But I need you to meet me half way in the real world. I am tired, so tired of this. Of knowing what I want, knowing that what I want is what you want and yet nothing ever changes. It is time for the real world to change.”

“I want to try.”

“Then try. Meet me halfway. I don’t care that you are following your career and working away. I care that we want the same thing but we can’t work on that if we aren’t working as a team.”

I feel the twist in my stomach. His expression reads hurt. I know I am asking the impossible of him. His conscious self will stand in his way and he will be fighting the stubborn unyielding self. The man standing in his way. I have tried and tried. And now I feel like it is time to just let go of everything I have asked for and let it just happen. To stop beating the drum of what is.

I am done with what is. I am ready for the things that I want. I am letting this struggle go, the struggle with myself, the struggle with him.

If it is in my highest good, if I am vibrationally aligned with this desire it will manifest.

There is nothing that I need to do, I just have to appreciate the knowledge that I have, that I know. Things are always getting better.

“We are a team. We always have been. I am always going to be here for you.” I am sure of every word. I know that he knows what I am saying is true.

“You always are, whenever I need you, I know that you are there.” His expression has softened. He looks less hurt. I just hope that he understands and remembers the truth of the dream when he wakes up.

“Please, just let this have real world consequences, let’s just enjoy the becoming of the both of us working together, being a team again. I am certain that I am ready, I am ready for us, I am ready for us to enjoy every little detail of all that is and all that we are when we are together.”

“Even if I ask you wait for me, to sort out the work side of things.”

“If you ask me for what you want, and you don’t stand in your own way at all… Ask and it is given.”

“Ask and it is given?”

“Always.” I can’t help but take a deep breath here, the smell of the room is fading and I can smell him. I can smell the softness of his skin. His proximity. The feel of his hands taking my own. The proximity of how close his body is to mine. His eyes smiling in the way I know the words behind that look, that is his “I love you” look, the words that are behind the eyes that he doesn’t say. I know I have him, I know I have his heart and his love and I know that I look after him in a way no one else seems to be able to do, or has done. I know the love I give him, the nurturing and unconditional love he receives from me is something he doesn’t know the depth of. I love him unconditionally and whole heartedly. He knows it, he might not actively realise it or understand it. But he knows it, that I am always here. I love him. He knows that. That’s the thing, the future we can have, it is real, it has been asked for from the universe. The universe has already said yes. It is just all a question of alignment. Right?

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.: Entry Twenty-Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Tonight is the night. I arrived in the room that transforms into the flurry of books and stories. I finally get to see Adrian Kraig. After a few notes passing between dreams, tonight will be the night that I see who has access to my special room.

Somehow, even in another world, another consciousness, I am nervous. I mean, Adrian can get into this room. I wonder what books he looks at; what worlds he chooses when he is here?

I can feel myself falling into the dream, slowly. It’s familiar and reassuring as the wallpaper peels, the floor rumbles, the floorboards reveal the shelves and the books, the cases and the gorgeous books and did I mention the books?

I’m alone in the room, I don’t think I’m early, could I be late? I mean, well it works different here, it might not even be possible. The knot in my stomach grows, I know I shouldn’t dare open a book and go into another world. Instead I decide to find somewhere to sit down. Somewhere comfortable.

I find a little nook between a few of the book cases and manifest myself a few cushions to prop myself up. I run my fingers lazily over the covers of the books, itching to head back to see what happens next for the stowaway girl, but I know I can’t, I have to wait.

I can’t tell how time is really passing, but it feels long, and I didn’t realise it was possible to feel bored in a dream.

“I’m sorry I’m late. Elliot, are you here?” I can hear the voice in the room. It snaps me from the bored daze I had settled in. I feel like I know the voice. Like a distant memory, as I haul myself up from the cushions I find the response pass my lips, “Yeah I’m here.”

I am on my feet and this is it, the nerves twist in my stomach. I come from the little nook and into the clearest floor space.

I know Adrian. I mean, not from the dream world, from the real world. Adrian’s face, his voice, Adrian Kraig is not Adrian Kraig.

I would know Adrian Ferisle anywhere. I’ve been lied to. And he doesn’t seem remotely surprised to see me.

“Elliot.”

“You lied”

“Kraig is my mother’s maiden name.”

“You lied.” I feel like an echo. Like that is seriously all I can say?

“Elliot I am sorry.”

“Why?”

“Would you have agreed if you had known? Would you have still come here if you knew?”

“No… Yes… No, I don’t know. You lied to me.”

“I wanted somewhere that was ours, a safe place where we could reach each other.”

“So you created this room?”

“Yes. And brought you here. I’m sorry. There is just so much that I want to say, that I can’t say not consciously. It is stupid I know but you know me better than I probably know myself, I get in my own way, all the time.”

“Especially with me.”

“Exactly. You and I both know, I really fucked us up.”

“You don’t need me to confirm that. You don’t need me here.”

“I do. I want us to talk. I want us to talk in a way that I can’t mess it up by shutting down.”

I want to walk away. There is nowhere to walk to. The words are out before I can catch them. “Have you learned nothing by now?”

“What do you mean?”

“When we are together, hanging out, I can read you. I can read everything you are not saying and I give you a chance to say it and you never do.”

“You know I don’t believe that you can read people.”

“But you know I am right.”

“You always are.”

“So why here, why bring me here?”

“I want a way that we can speak, to be connected, to be together while I’m away.”

“Will you even be able to remember this in the consciousness?”

“I think it sort of becomes a dream that I can’t always remember.”

“You know I remember?”

“I am counting on it. I need you to know.”

“I already do. You betray yourself all the time. A look, a comment, a message, a smile, a pause when you think it but don’t say it. You told me you would never tell me that you love me. But you never anticipated that I read it in you. In the way your gaze softens and your smile twitches when I am reading it in you. It’s like you know already that I know.”

“I do, though, you know that right?”

“You can’t even say it now can you?”

“I didn’t know I needed to.”

“It wouldn’t hurt to hear.”

“It would. My conscious self, I will get in my own way. The conscious me, believes we can’t be together because he can’t give you what you want, what you deserve.”

“He can, if he really wants to”

“He’s not good enough for you. I am not good enough for you.”

“I have never, not once thought that.”

“I know. But my feeling of unworthiness, my feeling of not being able to give you what you want-”

“But you know I want you.”

“I know; I want you too. You have no idea.”

“I do; you keep forgetting that I know you.”

“The me that you see before you now? Or the me in the real world?”

“Both.”

“Elliot, I might not ever find the way to say this in the real world. But I do love you. You know that right?”

“I always have. Adrian, even here, you still haven’t learned to read me have you?”

“I don’t think I will ever be able to read you, you surprise me, all the time. The things you say, the ideas you have, the things you say when you are tired and you don’t worry about what you say, if it will be awkward or offensive and you just say what is on your mind. You are a surprise. A constant surprise. Do you hate me for this? For this dream?”

“Haven’t you learned anything at all? I can’t hate you, even when I try. I am a bit pissed off, but I can’t say that I hate you.”

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.: Entry Twenty-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Life is quieter. Life is more peaceful. I feel more worthy.

From the conscious unfriending of Clover, I have discovered a few things now she has gotten bored and seems to have stopped stabbing me in the back. I keep being told that she is putting herself in situations and making life harder unnecessarily, she is putting herself in risky situations. It is concerning. But to be honest, she doesn’t want to change her life for positivity. I really hope she sorts herself out.

I enjoy the feeling of peace and calm. In the calmness I seem to be receiving more intuitive messages. I feel a stronger connection with the inner self. I feel inspired to action. I don’t feel inadequate or insufficient or lacking.

It feels good to be inspired to action.

A couple of days ago I felt inspired that now was the time to go and get a tattoo that I have been wanting. So I went to somewhere I felt comfortable and had a conversation. I felt inspired to book an appointment for in a few days’ time. I feel assured that the action was in that moment right for me. Sure I forgot the original I left behind that was photocopied but I am going back to get it soon. I like the original its quite cute.

How inspired is this?

Yesterday I wanted my meeting to be cancelled/rescheduled, it was. I got booked in for the inking on a whim.

Today, I was meant to be going to lunch with an old work colleague. I sort of wanted a cancel just so that I could follow a bit of a whim and do some more peace and happy time. I just got a text through, she has cancelled. So I might go get my original, get a bag of sugar, a jug and coconut oil and make myself a sugar scrub… sounds gross I know, but it’s really good and I really like it. I feel inspired to just enjoy relaxing, maybe I will even invest in a shower cap so I can wallow in the wonderful feeling of luxury for an evening. Yea I know, how poetic.

I just found a single random grain of sugar on my keyboard. Maybe it’s a sign that is a good idea? I like it.

I am in a good mood; I can’t put my finger on why. I woke up this way. I woke up feeling at peace. I woke up and I let myself wallow in appreciation. I appreciated how good it felt to breath, how soft the air felt, how rested I felt. It was good to wake and feel sure that today was going to be a good day. It is like I received a message that said, “don’t worry, everything is always working out for you, there is nothing that you need to do, there is no action you must inhabit or garner to make what you want happen. You are a deliberate creator, you are a creative co-creator in this universe and everything is yielding itself to you. You are releasing any and all resistance you may hold in your body with every exhale. You are living the life you intended. You are tuned in, tapped in and turned onto the frequency of your wellbeing.”

I woke up just in that knowing. Knowing that everything is going to be more than ok.

I caught myself in a thought I didn’t want to perpetuate just then, instead I soothed myself with this thought “where I was, is not where I am. Where I am, is not where I am going. What is, is not relevant.” Just got to keep following the inspiration and emotional indicators. I am ready for today’s adventures.

I feel like following impulse today. I just suspect there is some magic coming my way.

I like following these good feelings thoughts. I had forgotten for a while there to just enjoy the simple good ness. Today the intuition seems to have built up, the whims to follow seem stronger. I sort of wonder what pleasures these will lead to. I don’t know why I just have a better feeling now. Last night I felt like I let go of more resistance I didn’t realise I had built up. Or perhaps I had unwittingly built up. I decided to stop looking for messages in the literal sense of what I wanted to manifest, after all yesterday proved the good feeling of following intuition in a given moment. Today feels like the start of just, well not, following what I want which is what I had typed and deleted. I think I meant, today feels like the start of allowing what I want to come to me.

Today just seems to be a giant positive rampage feel. I like just feeling free to let my fingers move across the keyboard doing their own little tap dance as I let the inspiration flow to and through me onto the screen.

I know that with writing being able to translate thoughts and ideas into words, using this feels like a new fun challenge every time my fingers touch the keys. The assurances that it gives me, one more yes for what I am desiring.

So with that thought in mind, I feel good.

My name is Elliot Parker. Today I feel inspired to enjoy me. To enjoy every peaceful moment. Today after my shower getting dressed I stole fifteen or so minutes and I read a chapter of the book that I have started reading. I felt quite impressed. I liked it. All good, all inspired. It felt lovely. I know you know the feeling. That stolen little extra time to just allow yourself to have fun and enjoy whatever it is that you want to do and feel inspired to do for a moment in time.

So yes, my name is Elliot Parker. I like feeling at peace, I like feeling happy and sure and strong.

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